To cancel my son meeting his Dad for the first time?

[QwertyLou]

I'm worried I've messed up and not sure what to do.

The father of my child faded out while I was pregnant. I tried so hard to engage him as a "co-parent" but to no avail. So after hanging on until the last moment (38 weeks) I moved 1000km back to family so I would not be alone.

I was besotted with my baby and thanks to my parents letting us stay, was able to stay home 2 years. They gave a LOT of help (still do) and my son is very, very attached to his Nan and Grandad... he has three "parent like" relationships.

I'm from a big family and between uncles, cousins etc. he has about 10 loving "male role models" who will always be there. He is very happy and we all love him to bits.

I did try a few times to get his father involved. First on my own, emailing photos. Secondly, by applying for child support (he denied paternity). Thirdly, I had a law firm invite him to a mediation. He ignored all that.

So I just focussed on creating the most loving, nurturing life I could. Then, just before my son ("Ben") turned 5 he surprised me by saying: "I wish I had a Dad in my House, all my friends have a Dad in their House!"

I felt bad and emailed his father briefly letting him know his birthday was coming up. To my surprise, he was quite receptive and sent Ben a birthday card and present (in November). Then a Christmas card, saying he would "bring the present when he meets him!" He is now coming next week (!!) and expects to meet Ben.

Now this is why I messed up. He raised this before Christmas and I felt very conflicted (based on reliability concerns). I was mulling it over while dealing with the stress of Christmas. When he emailed again "Why haven't you replied!?" I felt flustered and said "um, ok" without fully thinking it through.

So:

• I'm worried he will meet Ben and disappear again. I'm happy for them to have a relationship but want more certainty in place first. WIBU to say this?

• BUT I fear his father will get very angry if I do. He said he can do an annual visit, so it would mean meeting Ben next year instead of next week.

Ben meanwhile is happily racing around with cousins, having forgotten about the "Dad in the House" issue, blissfully unaware of all this! WWYD?

Cancel the meeting
Tell the father to apply through the court if he wants to see his son
Cafcass will then be instructed and asked to undertake safeguarding and other welfare checks
They can advise if its in your sons interest
They can work out a staged / structured meeting to protect your son
The ONLY person who counts here is your son - not the angry sperm donor
Court or nothing is my advice

Come on OP, you're putting the interests and what the sperm donor wants above the best interests of your son. Think about that.

No, he can't dictate meeting Ben and then talking about practicalities

No, he doesn't get just once a year.

Give your head a wobble and put your son first. I'd also recommend the legal route.

Echoing previous posters, I wouldn't bother. When my DC mentioned it once or twice, I explained that they did have a father but they didn't live with us. Unless you live somewhere very conservative and small, a lot of children at your son's school will be in the same boat. You can't blame yourself for another person's actions but you can change how you respond to them.