To cancel my son meeting his Dad for the first time?

[QwertyLou]

I'm worried I've messed up and not sure what to do.

The father of my child faded out while I was pregnant. I tried so hard to engage him as a "co-parent" but to no avail. So after hanging on until the last moment (38 weeks) I moved 1000km back to family so I would not be alone.

I was besotted with my baby and thanks to my parents letting us stay, was able to stay home 2 years. They gave a LOT of help (still do) and my son is very, very attached to his Nan and Grandad... he has three "parent like" relationships.

I'm from a big family and between uncles, cousins etc. he has about 10 loving "male role models" who will always be there. He is very happy and we all love him to bits.

I did try a few times to get his father involved. First on my own, emailing photos. Secondly, by applying for child support (he denied paternity). Thirdly, I had a law firm invite him to a mediation. He ignored all that.

So I just focussed on creating the most loving, nurturing life I could. Then, just before my son ("Ben") turned 5 he surprised me by saying: "I wish I had a Dad in my House, all my friends have a Dad in their House!"

I felt bad and emailed his father briefly letting him know his birthday was coming up. To my surprise, he was quite receptive and sent Ben a birthday card and present (in November). Then a Christmas card, saying he would "bring the present when he meets him!" He is now coming next week (!!) and expects to meet Ben.

Now this is why I messed up. He raised this before Christmas and I felt very conflicted (based on reliability concerns). I was mulling it over while dealing with the stress of Christmas. When he emailed again "Why haven't you replied!?" I felt flustered and said "um, ok" without fully thinking it through.

So:

• I'm worried he will meet Ben and disappear again. I'm happy for them to have a relationship but want more certainty in place first. WIBU to say this?

• BUT I fear his father will get very angry if I do. He said he can do an annual visit, so it would mean meeting Ben next year instead of next week.

Ben meanwhile is happily racing around with cousins, having forgotten about the "Dad in the House" issue, blissfully unaware of all this! WWYD?

Why are you pushing for contact? A 5 yr old says he wishes he had a dad and you email his dad who he hasnt seen....bizarre. His dad has shown who he is and isnt interested.

My ds 5 said he wants Santa again as his bedroom looks bare with no tree.
*I haven't emailed Santa.
Be the adult op. Be the responsible dm and dismiss his request. He is 5 and you want to subject him to abuse. Which frankly an annual visit would be imo. Poor kid.

Why dont you set this up legally? Ensure a contract is drawn up regarding visitation, etc. His reaction and willingness to work with you on this will tell you everything.
If hes angry and wants it all his way, then you know it's a bad idea.
If he shows a different side then you can consider letting them meet.

I was initially going to say just cancel, but given your son has asked I think you should make some enquiries before deciding.

Oh Love what were you thinking?
He is an absolute stranger to your son.
you have worked hard to give your son a wonderful home life with many supportive male role models.

Can you email him and say that having given it more thought you feel that a dad is someone that is more than a once a year visit and that if he wants to be a part of Bens life then it must be a full part which includes financial support...….my guess is you wont see him for dust then.

In my experience of reintroducing fathers after an absence, a period of letter writing would be common, ie. the father can send a letter once say a fortnight and, if 'Ben' wishes to, he can draw a picture or dictate a reply. But there's no pressure on 'Ben' to reply. After a number of regular letters (helping 'Ben' get used to the idea of his father, and enabling the father to show commitment), then they meet - a short visit only. 'Ben' would need to be prepared for the visit in advance, including being told it's his father and to have some time to process his feelings. Then, all being well, there are more regular visits. If the father can't commit to this, I wouldn't start down this process.

FaceTime, WhatsApp, etc. don't tend to work well for these types of introductions. When the child is so young (5 yo), they're also often not useful at staying in touch. Letters, presents, in-person visits are best.

Yes the letter idea may have legs...

But... I absolutely would not have the meeting. Cancel this now.

It's too little at the moment. It needs to be properly thought out...

Rocking up 5 years too late having denied paternity and been flakey multiple times before.... Why would you think he's changed??

I would ask him what his proposal is...do this in writing.... I would say something like... What are you thinking? To see Ben and how often /what sort of contact in the future? This is not an agreement... This s just to tease out what may work in the future.

If its once a year... Eff off...

If its several times annually plus letters /calls and child support....
Perhaps..

But do it very VERY gradually.

Express your concerns to your son's father, they are not unreasonable. He either wants to see his son from time to time - and support him - or not. Ben cannot be messed about, that would be totally unfair on a young child.

However he will want to meet his father eventually, if you don't facilitate it he'll do it on his own.

The father may have changed, people do grow up and become more responsible. Let's hope that is the case - he needs to reassure you first though and has a bit of making up to do after five years of neglect.

Why would you do this to your son? Once a year? It’s not worth it.

He shouldn't get to just leap in and play Fun Dad without either any responsibility (presumably he still isn't paying maintenance?) or any thought for his son. As pp have said, letter writing should come first, building up gradually to meeting.

If his father is a reasonable man, he will see that the child has to be protected. If he is not, then he needs to be kept away from the child anyway.

PS cos his dad will be angry..??
This sbpkldbt feature in your concerns.... Had this paternal gf shown ANY interest in Ben?
Letters /birthdays/Christmas??

A pal had a wayward good looking brother who inseminated quite a few women locally... ... The grandparents for years wrote /sent gifts...even though their son didn't hang around. The grandchildren are in their 20s now and have a lovely r/s with grandparents.... They got involved from pregnancy onwards.

He's happy to see him once a year! Well that's not great. Can you not build up a relationship over Skype first?

Unless he can be reliable and wants a relationship with your DS, it's best he stays away.

Your son will get hurt in the long run, if he turns up and disappears again.

When I adopted my grandson to be my legal son Everyone advised me to keep his parents out of his life! Everyone said "If he knows they exist someday he will want to live with them!" I ignored Everyone and allowed his birth parents contact (always supervised and only when they were not high).
Yes, they were sporadic. Yes, they sometimes made promises and did not keep them and yes it hurt him. But I constantly reminded him that he had other family who was there for him and that I would be there for him. He is a young adult now. His mother is in regular contact and he is fond of her but calls her by her name - never "Mom". His father visits once a year. He is glad to see him and they "catch up" during the 3-hour vist and that's it for the year.

Most important - He does not blame me for "keeping him" from his parentd and he sees them now for what they are.

Sorry but as someone who grew up not knowing anything about 50% of my family I can tell you this won't go away. And may well affect him badly in his teenage years.

Your son has a right to know who his dad is. Whether he's crap or not. It's a harsh life lesson at five but as he gets older at least he'll know. And just because he hasn't mentioned it again doesn't mean his little mind isn't working through it. Because he will be.

It sounds like his dad is reaching out and making an effort, work with that. I don't think you should cancel the visit.........I don't think he should be introduced as dad yet either. But meeting somewhere like a soft play and him joining could be a good way to introduce him.......ideally you'd have built
this up via facetime and letters but that ship has sailed sadly.

It's not as simple as 'oh he's shit, he doesn't need to know where he comes from'. It really isn't.

You kept going at him to be a part of his life, isn’t this what you wanted?
If I was you I would have left well alone especially given all the positive male role models he has in his life.

You are naive to assume you will orchestrate things hereon in. If he wants to see his son more after this then you won’t be able to stop that

Make him prove himself
Is he paying maintenance,that’s first
Then allow him to write to your son ,once a month with a photo
See if he keeps up writing
After a year if they both want it ,allow then to meet

I don't think there is an easy answer to this. It would be really upsetting for your son if his father clears off again but on the other hand when he is older he might value a photo of himself with his father and knowing he met him (I'm thinking of DH here as his father died when DH was a baby and the couple of photos he has are important to him - not quite the same as obviously he had no choice about being absent from his son's life.) Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

GeorgiaGirl it sounds like you have done a wonderful job with him, I'm glad it turned out so well.

OP is there a danger he could take legal steps if you don't allow it to go ahead, I do think it is better if parents can reach an agreement without involving solicitors.

If he is only prepared to see your son once a year, he is not being a father. I think before he meets his son needs to commit to having a proper relationship, ie seeing him far more than once a year, and perhaps regular FaceTime or whatever as well. Once a year is not a father

Is he paying child support?

You dont sound like you'd be able to handle this yourself let alone for your son. It needs to be done legally or not at all. Did you put him on the birth certificate?

Someone I know (work acquaintance, not friend) is the dad in a similar situation. Long story short, he met his son when he was a similar sort of age to "Ben", had decent enough contact for a couple of years but then faded out of the boy's life again because of irreconcilable differences with the mother.

If you do arrange for your DS to meet his dad, do everything you can to make sure the dad doesn't just flit in before flitting out again, as this is the worst of all worlds. Don't hurry the first meeting. Take time to agree an approach with the dad - timings, likely number of meetings and important boundaries. If you sense that he isn't really committed, or is likely to start denying paternity again, then simply don't do it.

I actually disagree with many of the PPs. Explain to DS that not everyone has a dad at home and that all "dads" are different. Some work away, some see their kids occasionaly etc etc. (Just llike not all kids have grandparents that they see every day - some are only once a year etc etc)

As long as his dad meets him and explains that he can only visit occasionally that is fine. It can be special in its own way and something in addition to the secure and happy home that he already has.

1000km is quite a distance and we don't know the circumstances.

You opened the door and now you want to close it because you have cold feet. I get that, I really do. I've been in the same position.

With a loving and supportive family, as your child has, children are way more resilient and understanding then MN ever gives them credit for.
Your child is curious about his dad and, if you decide to make it difficult for his dad to see him, that curiosity will never disappear. He might hide it if he feels it isn't something you want to face or talk about, but it won't go. You can fill his life with as many men as you like but he will still have that need to 'know'. I'd count on that way more than I'd count on the 'damage' seeing his father once a year would do.
There is always the chance he'll go down the legal path and you have to consider whether that is something you want. You also need to think about the fact that what YOU do, or don't do, now may have longer reaching consequences for your child.

So no, I wouldn't cancel. As uncomfortable and as scared/worried/angry as I may be, I'd go through with it (and have done) FOR my child

Some posters seem not to have taken in that YOU initiated this, OP. It's not like the father has appeared out of the blue and demanded access.

I think that @AgeShallNotWitherHer has it entirely right.