To cancel my son meeting his Dad for the first time?

[QwertyLou]

I'm worried I've messed up and not sure what to do.

The father of my child faded out while I was pregnant. I tried so hard to engage him as a "co-parent" but to no avail. So after hanging on until the last moment (38 weeks) I moved 1000km back to family so I would not be alone.

I was besotted with my baby and thanks to my parents letting us stay, was able to stay home 2 years. They gave a LOT of help (still do) and my son is very, very attached to his Nan and Grandad... he has three "parent like" relationships.

I'm from a big family and between uncles, cousins etc. he has about 10 loving "male role models" who will always be there. He is very happy and we all love him to bits.

I did try a few times to get his father involved. First on my own, emailing photos. Secondly, by applying for child support (he denied paternity). Thirdly, I had a law firm invite him to a mediation. He ignored all that.

So I just focussed on creating the most loving, nurturing life I could. Then, just before my son ("Ben") turned 5 he surprised me by saying: "I wish I had a Dad in my House, all my friends have a Dad in their House!"

I felt bad and emailed his father briefly letting him know his birthday was coming up. To my surprise, he was quite receptive and sent Ben a birthday card and present (in November). Then a Christmas card, saying he would "bring the present when he meets him!" He is now coming next week (!!) and expects to meet Ben.

Now this is why I messed up. He raised this before Christmas and I felt very conflicted (based on reliability concerns). I was mulling it over while dealing with the stress of Christmas. When he emailed again "Why haven't you replied!?" I felt flustered and said "um, ok" without fully thinking it through.

So:

• I'm worried he will meet Ben and disappear again. I'm happy for them to have a relationship but want more certainty in place first. WIBU to say this?

• BUT I fear his father will get very angry if I do. He said he can do an annual visit, so it would mean meeting Ben next year instead of next week.

Ben meanwhile is happily racing around with cousins, having forgotten about the "Dad in the House" issue, blissfully unaware of all this! WWYD?

Once a year? What a tosser. If you do go ahead then do as another poster said. Introduce him as a friend not as his father.

Why are you surprised that he would want a Dad in the house?

Wouldn't you want a Dad?

A Dad is an incredibly important figure to a child.

I am disgusted at some of the women on here, "he is a shit of a man".

Where did all this anger come from.

Would you have liked to have a Dad as a child? Think of the child!

If it was me I'd meet him first. Have him admit paternity and start paying you maintenance. Prove to you that he;s going to be a father who won't disappoint "Ben" time after time. If he convinces you then he can write to "Ben". If he does that consistently then have him agree to regular f2f contact. I certainly wouldn't let him bowl up once a year with presents and then piss off again and not support his kid.

Whatever you decide to do, at least stop pestering him to take an interest. You aren't doing anyone a favour here.

@angell84 are you serious?
Pearl clutching and ‘please think of the children!’ statements have no relevance to this situation.
I’m sure he does want a dad but his dad DOESNT want to be a father. He’s had no contact, paid no contribution to his upbringing, and now wants to see him once a year.
I see my dentist every six months for fucks sake - twice as much as this idiot wants to see his son!
And the anger comes from seeing men like this, have sex and then swan away ducking out of the consequences of their actions, then thinking they can call the shots later at their whim, no matter how disruptive it might be for the child YOU are so keen to tell us to think of.

If having a dad at home is what the child wants, then seeing his father isn't going to completely solve the problem. Many of the Dads in his friends' homes won't be their biological fathers and I think it's really worthwhile to talk about that.

Of course the child wants to know about his dad, that's entirely normal and to be expected. However, the nuclear family he seems to crave isn't possible at the moment and that needs to be addressed too. I doubt OP is thinking of cutting the father out completely, she is just realising that she may have got a bit ahead of herself and agreed to too much, too soon. Even if he goes to court (unlikely, for one visit a year) the court is going to want him to be introduced slowly.

I actually think you need to meet him without your DS first. It's been 5 plus years so the reality is you don't know this man. You need to establish what his long term plans are, is he just going to swan in every few years with a present at Christmas or is he wanting regular visits. Also what about him accepting paternity and paying maintenance (be careful with this though if you meet and decide it's best he isn't involved).

Your son has expressed an interest in his father/dad so I think I wouldn't cancel it. I would speak to him first to allay your fears and make it clear you are not going to tolerate a disney dad turning up with presents when he feels like it. Your soon needs consistency and continuity. I was alienated from a parent growing up and i would much have preferred it if I had met my dad, even only once and never seen him again than being in my teens and meeting him, after he had 'proved himself'.

For those talking about only an annual visit, what about if he did that at first and they skyped/facetimed several times per week to start to get to know each other? After the man has met his son things might change and he may decide to move to another area of the country where he could see him more.

If he's prepared to travel 1,000 km to see his son initially then it may increase in the future. He's been a crap dad so far but given the opportunity he may well step up.

I think many people have missed the 1000km! From London that includes almost all of Europe!

He can only see him once a year?! Is he Father Christmas?

That did make me laugh.🤣. It's very apt as well; this man isn't your DS's dad in any way that matters. No father is better than a dad like that.

I really would let this slide; I hardly think that he's going to fight you for contact. Your DS can attempt to find his father when he's an adult if he wants to.

oh lord. What was I thinking. Also he has moved (military posting) and now lives 2000 km from us. 3 hour flight.

To answer questions:

1. No, we have not discussed all those things. I told him we need a firm agreement before any meeting. He wants to discuss "in person, after I have finally met Ben."

2. He is not on the birth certificate and has not paid maintenance or helped in other ways.

3. The 5th birthday things were the first things sent.

4. He would like a DNA test and to go on the BC (FYI we were in a serious relationship and there is zero doubt, but I understand).

5. Both his parents have died and he is an only child. He also now has a partner and a stepson a year older than Ben.

6. He does not know my home address and cannot show up (he has my work PO Box).

7. Ben has seen a photo hence I can't introduce him as just a friend. Otherwise I might have done that.

8. Ben grew up with a "Dad in his house" (my Dad). He thought Dads and Grandads were the same thing until he was 3.5. He has a very loving, warm relationship with Grandad and spends lots of time with him.

9. I want to do what is best for my child. Would you rather have an annual "fun uncle visit" with your father, or not? Is it better than nothing? Will you value those memories as an adult? Genuine question.

Do you realise the implications of putting him on the bc?

Also I would hardly call 4 emails over 5 years “pestering” !?

If I hadn’t done that, some people would be saying “OP you didn’t give him a fair chance”

My son is starting school in two weeks’ time.. currently he is oblivious to all this. I don’t want a weird upsetting event a week before he starts school

Yes am aware re legal implications of birth certificate (got legal advice before he was born and again more recently).

Definitely don't put him on the BC. I once lived in Norway for a year whilst my parents were in Wales (I was an adult!) I flew home every 3 months, my parents flew out to see me twice too. We spoke on the phone (pre-face time!) once a week. I'm sure if he wanted a relationship with his son her could do better than an annual visit.

Cancel the visit. If he wants to get to know Ben he can do it by phone first and discuss the frequency of visits after that.

And no Dad is better than a flaky shit Dad who lets you down all the time. He needs to prove he won't be one of those before he gets to come and play.

So after 5 years of sole decision making you are happy to have to run every detail past a stranger until your i dc is 18?
Give your head a shake....
Imo you have some romantic ideal of your ds suddenly having a fantastic df. Do you have ideas about rekindling your relationship? Because I can't see how the idea of allowing him parental responsibility could possibly be a good one...
Harsh but my opinion..

No no no no no and no and NO.

This is a terrible idea. Your DS has a lovely family around him - having some man he doesn't know enter his life, being introduced as his dad and then has to get his head around why he only sees daddy once a year. Do not do that to your little boy.

Cancel the visit altogether. As somebody else said, introducing contact should be really gradual, eg letters etc, not an in person visit - your DS will be so confused and this will hurt him. His "father" is nothing more than a sperm donor. And do not put him on the BC or engage further with this DNA testing.

I actually think you need to meet him without your DS first.

I agree with this.
If he persists in setting up a meeting, arrange to meet him first yourself, keep in touch by sending photos, etc, and gauge his willingness to engage.

All and all, I do think the child has a right to get to know his dad and to have a relationship with him, but it is a worry that it can do more damage than good. Sorry, not very helpful. It's hard to know what's best without knowing him and his actual intentions.
Things are not easy with exH and DS, and I'm not sure anyone can ever know what's best.

But parents have faults, and your DS does have a biological dad. My gut feeling would be to ultimately encourage that relationship, but proceeding with caution.

@QwertyLou in my experience:

If he can't come and see Ben whenever suits (completely understandable if he's in the military) he can start by writing letters. Ben can write back. They can learn a little about each other.

If he proves to be consistent, and Ben remains interested, Skype twice a week.

Then you can arrange a visit.

Don't rush into anything. If Ben stops being interested, stop. If dad isn't committed, stop.
He needs to prove that he'll improve bens life.
He doesn't need to be there in person to do so.

Give him the DNA test. Discuss and agree what you will tell Ben about why his dad hasn't been around previously.

I actually think you need to meet him without your DS first.

I agree with that.

Op at the least you need to postpone it. Say you realised it will be a lot for him before starting school, because it will.

Would you rather have an annual "fun uncle visit" with your father, or not? Is it better than nothing? Will you value those memories as an adult? Genuine question.

But its still a bit lame isn't it? Unless they are going to spend longer time together its hardly making memories is it?