DH incompetent at washing up

[Lycidas]

Husband has a PhD in a science subject and can manage complex international projects, but still hasn't figured out the mechanics of washing up.

• 'Scrubs' dishes using the soft side of the sponge, so supposedly clean dishes still have marks and grease on them. Have to end up redoing these.
• Rarely turns washed glasses upside down, so they just sit there gathering pooled water.
• Doesn't gather to wash anything else that's in the kitchen other than those things immediately in/next to the sink. It's like blinkered tunnel vision.
• Whole sink and worktop area is left soaking weft afterwards with residues of food, grime and soap. It looks so depressing that I almost wish he hadn't bothered.

Any attempt to address these meets a response of 'let me do things my way' and 'you should appreciate that I'm doing my bit'. Should I just let him carry on and keep sorting it out afterwards? :S

You’re enabling him to be useless. If it isn’t clean, he needs to fix it himself.

Get a dish washer.

Yeah he needs A LOT more practice. Daily. You don't have to be grateful for him doing a shit, half arsed job. There is room for him doing things 'his own way' once he's reached a standard of basic competence. Which he hasn't yet.

I'm admittedly very grumpy today but fgs, I'm so fed up with people (mostly men) being quite this shit and pathetic, and whiney when challenged. Fuck it all.

Agree, get a dishwasher if you have space. Saves loads of arguments.

My husband is the same so I just tell him not to bother (yes, I’m sure he loves this). He does lots of other stuff around the house though.

No advice just to say you’re not alone my BF is blind to the stuff left immediately next to the sink - he’ll wash up the majority but then there’ll be a random couple of things left unwashed. He is also very lack-lustre in his scrubbing and things will often still have marks on. I’m sick of reminding him. He wants us to move in together soon but this sort of thing puts me off.

So he can't function as an Adult? If you had children and died, they'd have to go into care?

My DD has SN, she went to a SEN school. She works in food prep and as a kitchen cleaner. Someone more effected by their SN, works in her place as a pot wash. Most parents who have children with SN work hard to get their children to be independent.

He is a disgrace and has no respect for you.

One strategy that a marriage consultant had was everytime a Husband can't be bothered to do some he has to actually say 'fuck you' to his wife. Because that's what he's thinking.

NO! He's fully aware and capable of doing it, it's his way of getting out of doing it by not doing it correctly. So let him carry on do his half arsed attempt at winding you up, don't rise to it.

Don’t redo it. Rewash the plate you’re using and put a grubby one down in his place. Fill his glass without tipping out the grimy water in the bottom and when he wonders why it tastes of soap tell him!

It sounds like strategic incompetence, but I have a DP like this and I know he thinks he’s being awfully helpful and would be upset to be told that I think he’s doing it on purpose. i think natural consequences are the way forward here!

Get a dishwasher and put him in it.

Nah fuck that. Doing “his bit”: he’s doing “his bit” poorly and obviously doesn’t care.

If he’s that clever, he can learn to wash dishes properly. All this bullshit about academically bright people being lacking in common sense and letting them get away with being slovenly. It just doesn’t (excuse the pun) wash with me.

I truly couldn't live with someone who was a pig. It would infuriate me to the point of tarnishing how I felt.

It sounds more like a choice than an inability, in which case he just doesn't give a shit. So he's actively choosing incompetence. What a knob.

YANBU to be annoyed, YABU to just keep redoing the jobs he's supposedly done - that's probably why your responses are so split. Every time you notice a problem ask him (if possible in a pleasant voice!) to go back and sort it.

He can do things his way so long as the outcome is acceptable

Agree with him what the outcome of the washing up should be - clean, dry crockery and a clean sink, towels hung up whatever.

Then say "glad we agree on that, feel free you use your own way to achieve that outcome".

But yes he is being incompetent deliberately

My brothers were like this and guess what...my mum stopped asking them.
My sister and I, however, were given it back to do again.

Hmm...I'd be inclined to put it back for washing up. By him.

That said, sometimes I've some down in the morning and been appalled at my own attempts 😜

you should appreciate that I'm doing my bit

But he's not, is he! Doing a half-arsed job isn't doing his bit.

Try living with the opposite; DH thoroughly - and I mean thoroughly - washes everything before putting it in the dishwasher, and clothes get boil washed left to his own devices .

Seriously, just show him once how to do it, like you would a teenager, then pick him up daily until he gets the point.. and/or if you do other jobs in the house, do them badly to make a point.

Seriously, just show him once how to do it, like you would a teenager, then pick him up daily until he gets the point.. and/or if you do other jobs in the house, do them badly to make a point.

I would get such rage having to treat DH like a child. I'd get further rage living in a shithole to try and teach him a lesson. (I may need to calm down, this thread has riled me up!)

I got a dishwasher because I was fed up being the only one in my household who ever did the washing up. I despair though because no one thinks to put their dirty stuff in the bloody thing and it's not unusual for me to come home and find a sink full of dirty cups and dishes. Drives me mad! My DH also has a habit of running water in the sink with a bit of washing up liquid when there's only one item in the sink. He knows damned well I'll end up putting the item in the dishwasher.

Emptying the dishwasher is another task that no one in my house seems to have mastered - except me, obviously!

This would be a dealbreaker for me, couldn't have a child as a boyfriend.
It's absolutely disgusting.

He needs to do it more. And tell him to get all the pans next to him foirst so he doesn,t miss anything. (easily done if pan is still in the oven.)

Honestly I hate fucking washing up and do it half-assed so we got a dishwasher He's the true love of my life (his name is Claude).

Put him to work doing something he can do properly. My h is terrible re actually seeing problematic stuff. To the extent that last night, he realised too late that he needed to let the dog out. Dog did first part of poo on carpet. Ok so he takes the dog out for the rest of the poo and cleans the poo from the carpet. Or so he thought. Only he only saw one poo despite being in the room when the dog was doing it. When I got up this morning and went downstairs I spotted the other 🤮 I said omg wtf, h says I did see the dog squatting there but thought nothing came out 😱
Really some people do not see as well as others!

The difference in this thread and the wife being constantly late thread is stark.

Is he depressed OP? Maybe you’re too controlling...maybe he has some anxiety issues.....blah blah blah.

you should appreciate that I'm doing my bit'

He can FTFRO. Does he appreciate you doing your bit too?