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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH incompetent at washing up

98 replies

Lycidas · 08/01/2020 09:34

Husband has a PhD in a science subject and can manage complex international projects, but still hasn't figured out the mechanics of washing up.

  • 'Scrubs' dishes using the soft side of the sponge, so supposedly clean dishes still have marks and grease on them. Have to end up redoing these.
  • Rarely turns washed glasses upside down, so they just sit there gathering pooled water.
  • Doesn't gather to wash anything else that's in the kitchen other than those things immediately in/next to the sink. It's like blinkered tunnel vision.
  • Whole sink and worktop area is left soaking weft afterwards with residues of food, grime and soap. It looks so depressing that I almost wish he hadn't bothered.

Any attempt to address these meets a response of 'let me do things my way' and 'you should appreciate that I'm doing my bit'. Should I just let him carry on and keep sorting it out afterwards? :S

OP posts:
TwistinMyMelon · 08/01/2020 11:13

I'm currently single but going out on a date on Saturday. This thread is reminding me why I enjoy being single so much. Perhaps I'll cancel... 🤔

CathyorClaire · 08/01/2020 11:16

It's not incompetence at washing up. It's extreme competence at getting you to do it for him and it's working.

Keep enough decently washed stuff for you and let him use the mucky bits and pieces. See how long it takes for his technique to improve.

JosefKeller · 08/01/2020 11:17

as long as it's a fair division, who cares how you split chores?
I don't iron, hate it, it's all DH. I don't think it ever occurred to him to divorce him because he's the one dealing with it Grin I might go and ask him

It works better for us to split tasks, not to alternate.

puds11 · 08/01/2020 11:20

This is my DH!!! Literally the only thing we’ve had a proper argument about. He is shit at it! Gets upset though when I have a go at him about it saying im making him feel bad. I’ve told him not to bother washing up because it causes me too much stress.

Sometimes I feel like smashing every dirty plate to make a point.

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/01/2020 11:28

I'm going to come in a teeny bit on his side - hear me out...

my mother was a control freak. I used to wash up alternate evenings (my brother was the other evening) and my mother would often storm into the kitchen, pick up the plates I had (so I thought) perfectly adequately cleaned, scream at me 'look at the state of that! LOOK AT IT!' sling the plate back into the sink, scoff at the rest of the washing up and storm out.

I'd be terrified. I'd wash and wash and rewash the plates and she would still often find a grease mark or egg stain (that I often couldn't see).

When your DH washes up, have you tried just sitting beside him (Peeling sprouts or some other domestic job) and when there's something like a streaky plate or glasses the wrong way up, saying gently 'that looks like it could do with another rinse - look' and pointing out the mark? It may be that he genuinely (like me, as a child) thinks he's doing a bang up job and either your standards are higher or he just hasn't noticed. Ditto with the glasses, a 'they won't dry if they're that way up, will they?' to make him engage his brain.

If he keeps doing it, then he's being strategically incompetent. And yes, you shouldn't have to 'guide' him through such a simple job. But I know my mother's standards were so much higher than mine that I could never see what she was making a fuss about.

Incidentally, she did exactly the same to my brother.

BertrandRussell · 08/01/2020 11:42

“ as long as it's a fair division, who cares how you split chores?”

I agree. So long as 50:50 doesn’t mean one person does all the day to day cooking, cleaning and washing and the other puts oil in the car, takes the bins out and puts up shelves. Which is so often does. Some houses must have shelves on every conceivable area of wall. Inside and out.

JosefKeller · 08/01/2020 11:46

mind you, some (allegedly female) posters on this forum pretend to be unable to take the bins out. I never quite understood why .

Might go with the poster who was too embarrassed to mow her own lawn because what would the neighbours say? Grin Grin
I don't know if it was a troll in the end.

BertrandRussell · 08/01/2020 11:50

Oh look- WDIT!
The reverse of NAMALT.

ActualHornist · 08/01/2020 11:54

YABU to just put up with it.

He’s a lazy shit hoping you’ll buy a dishwasher or just take over this job he clearly doesn’t want to do.

If he’s ‘doing his bit’ then fine, just rewash a play for yourself and serve dinner on filthy crockery.

Butter him some toast in the dirty water he’s left splashed everywhere.

He’s being a whiny baby and strategically incompetent. Bet he does bugger all else as well.

adaline · 08/01/2020 12:56

Of course he's capable Hmm

He just knows if he doesn't bother, you'll do it for him so he gets out of the washing up.

jackparlabane · 08/01/2020 13:07

But the green scrubby side is for stuck-on stuff on pots, not for dishes! It'll scrape the finish. My mum says so so it must be true!

If the glasses are rinsed, does it matter if they pool a bit of water? Though you could just point out they won't need drying if upside down.

Point out he hasn't finished if the counter is still in a state, but otherwise, I wouldn't say it's a problem. If he's a lazy arse in general, then that's the problem.

Lycidas · 08/01/2020 13:10

Thanks for the responses Grin Our kitchen is quite small so not sure if there’s room for a dishwasher, but it may become a necessity. But no, I don’t think he’s doing it badly so I can come and take over. He actually seems to relish these terrible washing up sessions, football playing on the iPad next to the sink...(probably doesn’t help matters)

Suffice to say there are other strengths to the relationship.

@Zaphodsotherhead - appreciate the suggestion. ‘Gently’ might be the way to go.

OP posts:
Lycidas · 08/01/2020 13:13

@jackparlabane

But how do you get tea stains etc out of mugs if you don’t use the scrubby side?

OP posts:
FoamingAtTheUterus · 08/01/2020 13:19

My dp does this, leaves scummy water everywhere, doesn't turn cups upside down etc. It drives me insane.

I've banned him from doing it, he can piss off and find something else to do. Angry

jackparlabane · 08/01/2020 13:24

@Lycidas - Just fine as I recall - though I've used a dishwasher for 20 years now!
At work we don't have a scrubber (lucky if there's even a brush or cloth) so manage to wash my mug with just my hands and a drop of soap.

Not rinsing soap off would be a dealbreaker, though.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 08/01/2020 13:33

jackparlabane

I won't comment on what to do with very delicate crockery, but modern dishwasher-safe crockery can absolutely stand up to the scrubby side of the sponge.

The sponge side is not effective for any more than very light cleaning, because it is not there for cleaning. It's there to provide something comfortable to hold on to while you're scrubbing, because flat pieces of scourer without a sponge (which are available) are very awkward to hold.

If you think a sponge alone is effective, forego the dishwasher for the next week and try it.

LeSquigh · 08/01/2020 13:42

I appreciate how you feel OP. My in laws regularly babysit (in my house) and they ever so kindly do the washing up (I don't ask them to and I don't expect them to) but they are absolutely rubbish at it! I have to redo most things. They have a dishwasher at home, so I reason that maybe that is why - maybe they have forgotten how to wash up by hand!

My DP is good at washing up and in fact does most of it, but he is useless at stacking the draining board in order to let things dry effectively. When I stack, before long everything is drained and completely dry and ready to go back in the cupboards. When he does it, by even the next morning I need to take a tea towel to it. Infuriating Grin

Drabarni · 08/01/2020 13:44

YABU, let him do it his way, any dirty ones leave on the side and shout him back to finish.
Tell him the job if the full kitchen, and ask if he'd like you to show him so he doesn't have to keep doing it twice.

MashedSpud · 08/01/2020 13:48

You need to wash what you use before you use it.

Let him learn by eating off disgusting plates.

Do not redo them all and don’t tell him not to bother.

Bibidy · 08/01/2020 13:51

Yep, I have this too.

My DP leaves the washing up for days, and then when he finally does do it he doesn't do it properly, even though he thinks he has. Partially down to the fact he will only use the brush, he wouldn't touch a sponge or cloth Hmm. I just do it myself now, it's not worth the aggro.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 08/01/2020 13:55

I think in my dps case it's down to his shit eyesight. He refuses to wear glasses and insists he doesn't need them because he can see distance well. Which is bollocks.

He had a strong script as a child, I've seen the photo evidence. You don't go from Kojack specs to no specs in the blink of an eye. Angry

namechangetheworld · 08/01/2020 13:58

If you had added 'Washes the dirtiest item first so the water is filthy and then everything else is covered in a thin layer of grime' I would have assumed you were talking about my husband.
I make him do it again and again until everything on the draining board is properly clean. I'm not bothered if that makes me sound like a cow.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 08/01/2020 14:08

namechange mine does this too. I've caught the fucker in the act, glasses after washing greasy baking trays AngryAngryAngry As it is I don't mind taking over the washing up as he does more than his fair share at home and will do something if he sees it needs doing without expecting a pat on the back. I know not every household is like that tho.

cantfindname · 08/01/2020 14:21

@Lycidas But how do you get tea stains etc out of mugs if you don’t use the scrubby side?

White vinegar, hot water and a balst in the microwave. Leave to cool.

cantfindname · 08/01/2020 14:21

*blast