DH incompetent at washing up

[Lycidas]

Husband has a PhD in a science subject and can manage complex international projects, but still hasn't figured out the mechanics of washing up.

• 'Scrubs' dishes using the soft side of the sponge, so supposedly clean dishes still have marks and grease on them. Have to end up redoing these.
• Rarely turns washed glasses upside down, so they just sit there gathering pooled water.
• Doesn't gather to wash anything else that's in the kitchen other than those things immediately in/next to the sink. It's like blinkered tunnel vision.
• Whole sink and worktop area is left soaking weft afterwards with residues of food, grime and soap. It looks so depressing that I almost wish he hadn't bothered.

Any attempt to address these meets a response of 'let me do things my way' and 'you should appreciate that I'm doing my bit'. Should I just let him carry on and keep sorting it out afterwards? :S

Really some people choose not see as well as others!

There. Fixed that for you.

I'm going to steal the "let's agree the outcome" phrase from @MojoMoon. That's genius level common sense.

When I'm working on household skills with the kids I've been trying to get them to see that most jobs actually come in 3 parts, pre-job, job and post-job. Mostly because I don't think I understood that until I lived alone, and I know for sure DH didn't until very recently when I had a massive tantrum. I reckon outcome photos will make household chores much easier to "get" - for the kids, obviously ...

YADNBU he is doing it badly so that you'll do it properly like you always do. I have a rule in my house nothing goes into the sink unless the dishwasher is actually on. If the dishwasher has dirty things in it then it can go there. If there are clean things in the dishwasher then it takes seconds to unload and the dirty thing can then go in.

I’m with @Smellbow on this.
If you look around you’ll find a man size model.

If he's half-arsed about washing up I suspect he is half-arsed about bathroom cleaning, house maintenance, bed making etc etc. Get a dishwasher by all means but it's only going to solve one problem. His attitude is a whole other thing.

It’s deliberate. He’s doing it badly so eventually you’ll take over the role.

Such an unattractive trait.

I would simply leave it: ensure you/any children or guests have clean items to use. He can have grubby ones.

I have a rule in my house nothing goes into the sink unless the dishwasher is actually on

on another note, why do people do that and put things in the sink full stop? It makes the sink dirty and unusable, especially when the dirty bits will end up in the dishwasher anyway.

best tip I have ever read on MN: get 2 dishwashers. Life changing.

Two dishwashers
That is so mumsnet

You need a pretty big kitchen for two dishwashers.

My partner is exactly the same. He also takes about half hour to do it when it takes me 10, I think they do it on purpose so they’re not asked again.

That is so mumsnet

As posters on here go from people camping in temporary accommodation in a horrible state, without money for food or school uniform, to people on multi-6 figure salaries in mansion, I am never sure what "so mumsnet" can actually mean.

You should appreciate that I'm doing my bit'

Tell him you would appreciate it more if he actually did it properly and not just make more work for you.
Ask him how on earth he manages at work when he can't see what's in front of his nose at home. He sounds like my teens!! I make them rewash stuff and wipe down after they finished. It's tedious and bloody annoying having to repeat myself but I ain't going behind them and doing it properly while they slope off .

Tell him you aren't putting up with his mess any longer and he is perfectly capable of washing a few dishes properly and cleaning up after himself. Ask him if he has trouble with any other basic tasks as he might need to.see his GP😀

If you let him do a shit job and redo it yourself he has no incentive to ever do things properly.

Maybe start by 'doing a normal clothes wash' then giving him.back his washing unwashed or wet and when he complains tell him he is unappreciative of your new way of doing it?😉

How is the rest of the work divided ? Who does the laundry, the garden , household maintenance ?

Don’t redo it. Rewash the plate you’re using and put a grubby one down in his place. Fill his glass without tipping out the grimy water in the bottom and when he wonders why it tastes of soap tell him!

Liking this suggestion.

Get a dishwasher

My DH is exactly like this. He doesn't get the grease off anything and then doesn't rinse anything before draining. We do have a dishwasher, but these are the bits that don't go in. On the very rare occassion he does the washing up, I wait until he has gone out and do it again, ditto the bathrooms.

TBF he does do other things. He washes the cars, cuts the lawn, does all the heavy stuff in the garden, does all the DIY and decorating, you know, traditional man stuff. He also irons all his own shirts and the bedding. (He has never cooked anything in our 30 year marriage - gasps of contempt from MN's )

You need to just find something else he likes doing, and can do well, and make that his "task". I know this is very traditional, but it works for us.

He will love you to complain, then he can stop altogether

Ohhh OP! Definitely make sure he eats and drunks from the dirty stuff. I'd love to hear what his reaction to that would be.

I HATE washing up. I'm a "single parent" (hate that bloody title!) so every job falls to me and this is my most hated. The sink here is TEENY and you have to do one plate at once. There is no space and no draining board! I let the pans and dishes and cutlery pile up on the side (whilst I'm doing 10 thousand other things) and then growl and swear at the sink when the crockery cupboards are bare and it's tea time . Sometimes I will literally bag it all up and go to my parents and stick it all in their dishwasher! It is SPARKLING after!

I may treat myself to a 2nd hand one + a plumber for my birthday - not joking it would be life changing!

I have a son who washes up like that. I show him what he's missed and tell him he has to do it again.

My son messes up like that because he is in primary school and is somewhat uncoordinated (improving his coordination is part of the reason he does washing up; the other part is that he asks to do it because he earns rewards for it ).

What's your husband's excuse?

Put it back in the washing up bowl and get him to do it again,y husband is useless well was at the dishes, I gather all the dishes as he's doing them and put them on the side, I make him dry the side down or else it's wet also. If when I go to put the dishes away they aren't clean I make him do them again and again until they are clean and if he's insistent it's clean I use that plate/cup/cutlery for his tea and he's slowly getting better!!

most jobs actually come in 3 parts, pre-job, job and post-job

Oh, I really like this way of thinking about it (for improving my own shit housework skills, not my DP's!) I'll remember that!

Strategic incompetence. F*ck that noise. Doing things his own way is predicated on them being done to an acceptable standard. He is trying to get you to take over.

You're just going to have to stick to your guns on this one, and stop going back and re-washing them for him. Make him do it. Do what my mum used to do with me when I was learning - show him the grease / stuck on food and ask him if he wants to eat food cooked in a dirty pan.

This is why adults should only form adult relationships with other adults.

may treat myself to a 2nd hand one + a plumber for my birthday - not joking it would be life changing

Straycatstrut Do it!! I got myself a 2nd hand tumble dryer as a little treat to myself - it’s my favourite thing!! Those little annoying jobs that need doing every day, again and again, are relentless and soul destroying - anything that can make life a little brighter is well worth it!