To expect more from the teachers?

[Namechange1946873]

Sorry this probably isn't a aibu but I am going to speak to my sons teachers in the morning and I wanted as many opinions as I could get.

My son is 5 and started reception in September since the start of term I have had to sign the accident book 6 times regarding another child hurting him. These have ranged from pushing him over to slapping him in the face and today punching him in the chest. When I went in to speak to the teachers about it I was told he has behavioural issues and doesn't understand playing, he loves my son and lashes out when he doesn't get his full attention. (apparently my son isn't the only one getting hurt but I am yet to find a parent who is in the same boat as me)
This childs parents and the school are working together to try and stop this, he isn't allowed out a playtime and can choose 1 friend to stay in with him.
Today when I signed the accident book my son had told the teacher it was an accident and that said child didn't mean it. After talking to DS he told me the child walked over and punched him in the chest during a game, I said this isn't an accident and he replied mummy he was just getting to excited, don't worry he's not very strong its doesn't hurt me.
I feel terrible that my DS is now making excuses for this child and I think it may be because the teachers have tried to explain that this child doesn't mean it.

I dont really know how to go about this as he is my PFB and I hate the thought of this kid being mean to him but what they are doing obviously isn't working and it need to stop?

The school are informing all parents. Keeping the child in at playtime. They are clearly well aware of the situation. They are still youngas the child who is violent gets older he will learn it's not acceptable (I know he should really know by 5 but it is still young) Hopefully and it will stop. If it was me I would be advising my child to say loudly and assertivley "dont hit/punch me" and to makesure an adult knows. My many concern would be constant exposure to it would normalise it to my DC so would keep reminding him it's not ok but other child is still learning and the adults are trying to teach him. Your dc sounds very mature and not upset by it so I dont think I would do anything else just now. Just monitor. Hope it all settles down soon.

I agree that it is not OK that your child is getting hurt, that's why it's important to keep talking to the school about it. I don't agree that this child is a bully, which suggests there is a deliberate intent to target and hurt your child. Keep the focus on discussing how they can keep your child safe. It sounds like they don't have enough staff to properly supervise (stopping the child playing outside is far from ideal for that child) in which case escalating up to the head may help put the pressure on to get something in place (for which the staff working with the child would be eternally grateful I'm sure).

@ParanoidGynodroid exactly what you said. It will be upsetting for the parents of the boy with behavioural problems, yes. That doesn't mean OP's son should be attacked 6 times. If it was any of the other PP's children they would want action taken also.

We had this with my youngest. The only difference being she was terrified of the girl in question. I spoke with the school who explained the plan they had put in place after she said she didn’t want to go to school. Fast forward 2 years and now they are good friends, the lass needed guidance that her parents found difficult to help with as the whole family had learning difficulties. I explained to my daughter that this little girl desperately wanted friends but didn’t know how to, it took a while but my daughter made little steps. If you son is aware of this I would see what the school have in place just so you know what’s what, beyond that see how things go. They all need time to implement the changes and for them to see a change

Schools are under pressure to retain students in all circumstances and indeed it is likely that, due to this child’s young age there is little that can be formally done as any assessment of additional needs takes time and process. However, the school needs to be put under pressure to prioritise this and allocate resource to ensuring that all children are safe and as mentioned by another poster this behaviour is not normalised.

I work with young people with extremely challenging behaviour and the only way to really manage it is with very close supervision, a high level of curriculum personalisation and skilled and experienced staff. If you ask to meet with the headteacher and don’t simply accept whatnyo7 are told you will encourage allocation of resource and expertise to supporting the child whose behaviour is outside typical expectations for his age. It is not his fault, there may be many significant and distressing reasons for the behaviour but school management is based around scarce resource allocation and therefore your approach to the school will help them make decisions about how best to deploy the resources available to them.

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that your son is being bullied or picked on. Children gravitate towards certain children for various reasons. This child might simply like your son and is around him more and therefore your son is the one getting hurt. Your son might be the one gravitating towards him. Maybe he finds their behaviour intriguing or they both like playing in the same areas or they share a friend. Getting hurt doesnt always encourage a child to avoid another child. Sometimes it has the opposite effect.

Does your son choose to stand near him in the line? Are their pegs next to each other? Are they in the same group so end up being sent to wash hands etc. at the same time? There are plenty of reasons why it is often your son.

I would guess that all of this is stressing you out more than your son because it is out if your control. Discuss your concerns with the teacher but keep in that this is a child with behavioral needs. They may well get funding for a one to one but at this stage will not know. They will also not be able to discuss everything you'd like to know for confidentiality reasons so bear that in mind too.

Hello, I haven't read the full threat but I did want to give you my professional opinion as a SENCO.

1. It is not anti-inclusive to be upset and angry that another child is hurting yours. It is natural.
2. It is not unreasonable to expect your child to be able to be at school without being hurt.
3. A child who has issues that include violence against another child must be viewed as such and not minimised due to a condition.
4. It is for the child with behavioural issues to be taught how to behave in a socially exceptable manner for their own good. (When I say 'taught' I mean repetitition, using positive reinforcement, thinking time when a trigger is noticed, logical consequences)
5. I have worked with many many children with violent behavioural issues and seen first hand how well they can thrive in low sensory, low noise, low movement, minimal change environments (almost the opporsite of a main stream primary).
6. Your first instance is you must speak to the HT and if this doesn't work write a formal letter to the Governors. It has to be taken seriously then.
7. If this doesn't work - control what you can and move him to another school if the school he is in can't keep himself.

If you had written a post about a woman being hit at a public place no one would be saying but the guy had behavioural issues, be more inclusive, give him a break. It is no more acceptable because he is 5 and in a school.

1. keep him safe

Excellent post myo

Thank you so much for all your replies I do like to think I am an understanding person but when it's my child I get defensive as most mothers would.
I greatly appreciate all the comments around how to proceed going forward I will speak to the teachers tomorrow and ask how they can keep him safe going forward.

I would be fuming if this was one of mine. I didn’t send them to school to be punched.
It’s up to the school to safeguard your son.
I hope he isn’t expected to stay in every break time with him either.

@myohmywhatawonderfulday thank you so much for that x

Oh and I know you are worried but please don't "Ask around" that's just gossiping and not nice

Oh FFS, it's just normal to speak to other parents and perfectly justified to find out whether their child has been hurt as well.

It doesn't sound as if the school are doing enough to keep your son safe. Don't "suggest" what action they can take - that's their problem. They need to stop your son getting hurt. Children should be safe in school.

You could also approach the Local Authority's if you don’t get the response that supports your concerns. That is a pretty hefty action and I wouldn’t recommend unless you have some form of written communication between yourself and the school evidencing their failure to support. In extremis OFSTED but see above comment also.

Any head worth their salt will talk to you and aim to reassure.

EL (CEO of an Education Trust)

I was like this with my PFB he got hit by a girl and sent home. To my shame I took it badly teacher was amazing and girl had at time undiagnosed sen issues. He is in Y6 now and they firm friends (so proud he's better than me).

@Parttimewasteoftime I don't think I've taken it badly yet I've been in to speak to the teacher in November where she explained the issues and what they are doing to prevent it and I even had a conversation with DS trying to exaplib the situation but I'm getting more and more frustrated that thats not working and he is still being hit

Make another appointment. Then:
"Hi (teacher's name)
I really appreciated you taking the time a couple of months ago to explain what you were doing to try to keep my son safe from being hurt by (X). I was really hoping that would work, but as you know, my son is still being hurt. What are your plans now? Obviously I understand that (X) is not being malicious, and I've tried to be understanding, but I'm afraid that as I'm not seeing any improvement, I can't continue to accept this"

If you don't get an answer that makes you feel more positive, make an appointment with the headteacher.

Hi OP - you've had a mixed bag of responses here from agreeing with you to hailing you as judgmental .. as a parent of w boy like the one 'striking' yours may I offer my input?

My middle son has ADHD, learning disabilities, traits of autism (no formal diagnosis as yet) a developmental delay of about 3/4 years (he's 8 but socially and emotionally about 4/5), he has sensory processing disorder and a language disorder.

He is very socially awkward - has literally no idea how to manage friendships or engage with peers appropriately - admittedly he's improved enormously this academic year and we have seen a down turn in undesired behaviour.

I think a break down might help ..

ADHD - he's very distracted and unfocused, sitting still is hard going and more so is impulse control.. if he is being pushed by an adult to focus on a task and he's reaching his capacity to cope and another child is doing something like 'tapping a pencil' or their foot or something absent minded, my son would find that beyond impossible to ignore .. his impulse control issues would likely lead to him just doing the first thing he thinks of to eliminate that distraction. Often that would be to strike or shout at that child. He immediately knows he's done wrong and becomes very emotional, again unable to control any impulses that comes with that huge emotion.

We have worked very hard with this now and he is getting better at recognising when he might act inappropriately and he simply gets up and walks away.. maybe 50% of the time.

His autistic traits - he hand flaps, a lot .. it's a 'stim' or 'self stimulation movement'. It can be quite extreme and if you're near by you'll
Likely get a whack .. he isn't aiming to hit you but the need to flap is so great he cannot control it.

Sensory processing disorder - so he's super sensory seeking .. orally especially and 'biting' or mouthing was an issue when he was 3/4/5 and it was never with any ill intent but always because as a small baby does, he wanted to explore everything with his mouth. Now he's older he is very fixated with drumming and tapping on things .. everything.. to establish the different sounds and feelings items feed back .. including people .. again he isn't 'hitting' anyone for the sake of violence but because he's distracted and has limited impulse control and the urge To know what percussion he can get out of you wins out a lot of the time! He also get a big sensory feed back from running hard and fast into solid objects .. sometimes including people .. he can't explain why sadly.

Language disorder - he's ability to verbally communicate is quite delayed also and resulting in frustration and misunderstandings which again down to impulse control.. does some times lead to lashing out. Also he seems very abrupt or unkind with his words but he's struggling to communicate and is extremely literal .. black and white to his core.

It would be easy as a parent of a child in his class to perceive his behaviour as bullying but the truth is he hasn't the capacity to bully anyone or the awareness of others for the notion to even occur to him. I suspect the same is for this child your son is being incredibly patient with .. your son is a true credit to you and a pure soul.. my only wish is that every SEN child goes through school with a class mate like your son.. please keep encouraging his mind set and should he ever wind up actually seriously hurt please don't shut down the friendship in knee jerk.

I will never be able To explain to you what that friendship will mean to that SN child and his parents but please know they would do anything to work with you in maintaining a friendship with what clearly seems to be a very compassionate and sweet child such as yours ❤️

You know you're over-reacting when your 5yo is telling you to calm down.

The fact that the other boy is being supervised inside at playtime tells you that there is a plan in place and that they already know that his behaviour is unacceptable.

He needs a diagnosis and the additional funding that comes with it to provide 1:1 support but it's a lengthy process.

What more are you expecting them to do?

Keep her child safe, in accordance with their legal duties?

I find this issue very difficult tbh sympathy op. How far are you reasonably expected to put up with your child being a support to another at your own child’s expense? Answers welcome!

We finally had to approach school as dd and another child were effectively being used as support workers daily for their friend who developed anxiety. Dd said she “felt like a counsellor” and was repeatedly asked by staff to miss lessons and activities. We want our kids to be kind but there is a line. It would worry me that this little lad is minimising the effects on him. This could affect his boundaries in his relationships going forward

Not an acceptable excuse, @letmeinthroughyourwindow. Schools have a duty to keep all their pupils safe, and to provide for SEN. They can't ignore that duty on the basis that they're waiting for more funding, not least because their insurance companies would be deeply unhappy.

If, as appears likely, this child needs more support and more supervision, the school should be busting a gut to put that support in place. There are usually fast-track means of accessing interim funding and I would hope that the school has already started the process of applying for an EHCP and accessing other advice on how to help this child.

I am sorry but on what planet is it ok that your son goes to school and gets hit every day? Please dont let anyone make you feel you are wrong for wanting to put a stop to it.
It is not the OPs job to come up with a solution. That's for the teachers who have a duty of care to all the children and the boys parents to solve.

I am speaking as the mother of a son who has behavioural issues and I would be mortified to find out my son was hurting another child on a daily basis.

I would not be putting up with it OP. I know it's difficult as the little boy has issues but you have to protect your son. He is not a punching bag for anyone no matter what their issues are.

@ahenderson270 thank you so much for your response and for explaining what the the child and his carers are going through I really appreciate it my DS is a very lovely soul and does consider this child a friend I will continue to work with him to build a friendly relationship

soapboxqueen
No I am not suggesting a 4/5 year old should be in isolation, quite the opposite. I dont believe isolating/excluding should be used at all with this age group.