To expect more from the teachers?

[Namechange1946873]

Sorry this probably isn't a aibu but I am going to speak to my sons teachers in the morning and I wanted as many opinions as I could get.

My son is 5 and started reception in September since the start of term I have had to sign the accident book 6 times regarding another child hurting him. These have ranged from pushing him over to slapping him in the face and today punching him in the chest. When I went in to speak to the teachers about it I was told he has behavioural issues and doesn't understand playing, he loves my son and lashes out when he doesn't get his full attention. (apparently my son isn't the only one getting hurt but I am yet to find a parent who is in the same boat as me)
This childs parents and the school are working together to try and stop this, he isn't allowed out a playtime and can choose 1 friend to stay in with him.
Today when I signed the accident book my son had told the teacher it was an accident and that said child didn't mean it. After talking to DS he told me the child walked over and punched him in the chest during a game, I said this isn't an accident and he replied mummy he was just getting to excited, don't worry he's not very strong its doesn't hurt me.
I feel terrible that my DS is now making excuses for this child and I think it may be because the teachers have tried to explain that this child doesn't mean it.

I dont really know how to go about this as he is my PFB and I hate the thought of this kid being mean to him but what they are doing obviously isn't working and it need to stop?

Maybe you should take a leaf out of your son’s book and at least try to be understanding

FFS, understanding doesn’t mean accepting your child being hit, slapped or punched frequently. Easy for others to say when it’s not their child that’s the target. Who, as an adult would tolerate frequent, regular physical violence?
I feel sorry for this child, and he needs help, but saying suck it up to the parents of other children is not acceptable.

What more are you expecting them to do?

Keep her son safe, maybe? It’s not up to OP, who is not school staff, to make suggestions about a child she doesn’t even know.

@ikeakia he is awesome how injured would he have to get or how upset about the situation before you would view it the I am?

I dont want my son to ever think that it's OK to be hit regardless of the situation

@Amaretto completely agree surly we should be teaching our children that they should never just accept being physically hit

Your son is very understanding. Some empathy and patience is needed by parents with regards to SEN. Other parents/playground gossips can really isolate children like this. The child may need a 1 to1 TA and evidence will need to be collated to fund this.

Make it clear that you are not willing to keep signing the accident book as it is becoming too frequent and more of a regular issue. The school have a duty of care towards tour child too.
I am a teacher and hugely aware of how unfair the system is for some SEN kids even in Secondary with diagnosis and EHCP in place. This child is young and probably still going through diagnosis. Not fair on him and not fair on your DS
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One cohort we had in school had 2 boys that went around punching and hitting kids whenever things didn't go their way. It was really hard to deal with. Sounds like they're on top of it, but I get that this must be really distressing for you. At ours they'd grown out of it/ learnt not to do it before the end of reception. I would continue to speak politely to staff about it, as I think it might encourage them to work as hard as possible to manage the behaviour.

I would speak to school about what your son said and if anyone witnessed it and if so it was not an accident.

I would ask they be honest with you so you can deal with the problem appropriately.

I think they need to be upfront if they see another child hurt him.

I would make a comment next time in the accident book that he was punched if that is the situation, instead of signing .

Agree with pp that your son sounds lovely. He needs to know, though, that he shouldn't be getting hurt. It's OK to understand that everyone is different and some children can't behave in the same way he does but the adults should be helping the boy to be safe.

I would be persistent with the staff. Ask for a meeting after every incident. Escalate it to senior staff if you think it is warranted. Follow the complaints procedure and make it official.

Tell your ds not to volunteer to stay with this boy during break or lunch.

How can it possibly be right that the "offender" (for want of a better word) gets to choose someone to stay inside with him?
Is this an accepted policy in other schools? as I have never heard of this before.

I’m not saying you’re wrong exactly, you do you and all that, I’m just saying I don’t agree with the way you seem to be viewing it. Your son is inclusive and understanding and that will hold him in good stead.

Serin are you suggesting that a 4/5 year old child should spend every break and lunchtime in isolation?

I’d be reinforcing to my child personal boundaries and that everybody is learning at his age but it is never ok to minimise being hurt by someone purposely and that him and his feelings are important and that it’s important to make sure adults know exactly what happens so the teachers can help you all learn from it, and also try and go over the differences between accidental and intent, the school won’t be able to tell you much with how they are supporting the other child but you can always ask when it comes to your own child I’d be asking what they are putting in place to support my child with this and how they are working it day to day to minimise this happening, eg is there a adult present in the cloak room, as my DD2 when she first started school had another child lashing out at her when she wouldn’t do what this child wanted or she couldn’t have her own way with something and afew incidents were in the cloak room when I brought it up with a member of staff she said the children go on they own to collect they things for independence etc which yes is great but not when one of the children struggles to control they emotions and hurts the other children on purpose because they like another child’s coat and want it and the other child won’t give it to them so they punch them yes teachers have a very hard job monitoring all the children of the class and it sounds like they are implementing ways to minimise it happening but maybe there are afew more things they could be doing you won’t know till you have a in depth conversation with the school

@Serin I think it goes back to the jealousy thing he is perfectly fine playing with 1 person as he gets their undivided attention. I do feel sorry for him as it can't be nice sat inside all day everyday and as long as the person who he has in with him is safe and wants to stay in I don't see a problem with it

serin

Yes, it happens, my daughter has difficulties ( not violent) and is allowed to choose a child to play with in order to develop deeper connections and friendships within the class. It’s all supervised and she is encouraged to choose different children to build up those relationships.

I taught children with behavioural difficulties for decades. No way would I be telling this parent that she should suck it up, as many posters are doing.

Yes, some children in my class would hurt others. We did everything in our power to prevent that happening, but just occasionally we couldn't intervene in time. But six times in one term is not.something I would expect a parent to tolerate, even if their child did. If it was once or twice, I'd appreciate their understanding and tolerance. Six times? No.

I'm pretty damn sure that the people saying that OP should tolerate this, would be as sanguine if it was their child being hurt.

As others have said, without discussing the offending child directly, ask a) how they are trying to keep your child safe and b) why that isn't working. Follow up with c) - if it's not working, what can they change to improve the strategies.

Not would! Wouldn't be as sanguine, of course.
Hate autocorrect

This is horrible for you and your son, OP, and he sounds like a very mature, kind and empathetic young man. I'm surprised so many posters on here are admonishing you for not wanting your child to get hit though. Lots of the comments are effectively saying, your son doesn't mind, the boy can't help it so suck it up. Your son should absolutely not have to just put up with being hurt in a place where he should feel and be safe. I would speak to the teachers and ask what happens after your son is hurt, what the outcome of these events is, ie what are they doing to ensure your son's safety. If you are not happy and this keeps happening then escalate it to the head and then the governors if necessary. Bring told at the age of 5 that it's ok to hurt others because they can't help it is not ok and it's actually not inclusive either. Of course support should be in place so that all of our children can achieve their best but also, school rules (and actually societal laws) need to include and be followed by everybody too.

I'm the parent of 'that' child.

Please don't let's start teaching young children to accept being hurt "because a child is different/has SEND etc".

We've spent years teaching woman not to accept violence and accept victim blaming "they have a stressful job" or whatever.

It's not ok for your child to be hit. If the other boy is hitting out he isn't being supported effectively and is using his behaviour to communicate.

BOTH children are being failed here but by conditioning one to accept it you are enabling them to fail to support the other as well.

It's great your child understands. It's great he's empathetic and understanding and it's great he isn't over dramatising small incidents.

But ime when these children grow up (the ones with send) and grow out of those behaviours but their peers pick on them because they're vulnerable - they have to accept it because everyone says they misunderstand due to their send.

If the support was there in the early years much of this could be avoided.

There was a class party recently with the majority of the class there yes I asked around I am new to this and wanted to know if anyone had taken it further.

I do hope that there wasn’t a class party with the majority of the class invited except this boy!

@Amaretto

The fact the child has some behavioural issue is an explanation, not an excuse and your ds should not be taught to accept things such as being hit ‘bevause he doesn’t mean it’.
I mean, imagine it was an adult woman. Would anyone be expecting her to put up with being hit because they person didn’t mean it’?

As adult women who has worked with adults with additional/special learning/social and emotional needs I can indeed confirm we are hit, kicked, punched, hair pulled, spat at, name called etc and we have to accept that some people whom we work with genuinely do not need it and show compassion. Obviously we are taught how to manage to the best of our abilities such behaviour, but it does happen. We cannot hold grudges and start to be angry and dislike the individuals we work with or refuse to work with them, and often they are lovely people.

So yes, we are often expected to "put up" with being hit when dealing with SN.

Although I will add that OP is dealing with 5 year olds, and it's not that unusual some of the children with often go through a stage of something (biting, pinching, hair pulling) and more often then not grow out of it. The child whom is hurting your son has behavioural issues and they are trying to help the child work through them, and very likely the child will learn more appropriate behaviours as he grows and will learn to manage his behaviour. At 5 years old it really isn't a indicator that the child will continue to harm or do more damage as they age, as reception is particular can be a challenging time for children.

And FWIW my son has autism and went to school with another kid with asd who bullied him. Actually followed him, pinned him up against the walls etc and hurt him. School were worse than useless and even suggested I move my son if I didn't like it. That child then pulled a knife on mine in class. My son was told he had no need to be anxious () when he was too scared to return to school. I was told the school were working with him and his parents.
My son was offered nothing. Despite it being my son a,ready referred to camhs for cbt due to self harming and the one who tried to commit suicide as a result of the knife incident. My son was the one who had to move schools and start again.

We shouldn't be allowing the MH and physical safety of one child be trumped by another. Everyone's needs safeguarding and well being are equal and shouldn't be risked in the name of "inclusion" which most people don't truely understand the meaning if anyway.

Oh yes, the OP’s son is being very sweet by ‘understanding’ that someone else gets to hurt him at school.

YANBU, OP. When a child can not understand that they cannot hit and hurt other children, or can’t be reliably prevented from doing so, it’s my reluctant belief that that child needs an approach to their education that doesn’t involve being around other children. Your son is entitled to go to school and not be hit.

Little I also work with people who have LD and ND who can be violent. I don't agree we accept it. We understand it happens but have chosen this career and chosen to be there whereas school children are forced to attend by law.
And we don't just stand there and be hurt. We are taught how to manage it and are very involved in putting the support in place to limit it.

No child in school has any if those choices or tools available.

@Letseatgrandma he was invited but didn't attend I'm not sure why the only reason I know he was invited was there wasn't names on the invites it was just a "you are invited to" and one was put in a the children's book bags

This is a safeguarding cause for concern. I would write formally to the head requesting a meeting to discuss how they plan to keep your child safe. The school has a duty of care to do this and even with an inclusion agenda and high awareness of SEND it is not OK for your child to be physically attacked.

When I worked in a primary school we had a boy with very similar issues. He would push, pinch, pull hair, and throw items when he got "stressed" or was unable to verbally "express himself". All the experts and the parents got together regularly and tried various strategies -- time out, positive reinforcement, 1 to 1, etc. Nothing worked for long. Then he pushed a child while they were on stage practicing a program. Victim feel off the stage and broke his arm. By the next school day the aggressive child had been transferred out of mainstream and into a contained class. I hope your child does not have to wait that long.