To have a baby just to get it over with?

[NeverGotMyPuppy]

Please forgive me if this is long. I just need somewhere to write it down and hear some other views.

DH and I have one son, he is nearly 16 months. I did not handle a newborn well. He was not the portable baby everyone advertises. From about 6 weeks he wouldn't nap in the pram. I literally gave my life to his naps, walking round the park for hours, bouncing on yoga balls in the dark, driving round for hours on end. It nearly broke me. I also had some very poor medical support (e.g. HV telling me to leave him to cry, one consultant telling me he had onviosundigesthve issues the next telling me he didnt, I went to my GP saying I was worried about my mental health and she said 'I dont really know why you're here').
I'm finding it easier now he is a toddler - working 3 days a week helps a great deal - and I love the interaction he gives us.

Here's the rub. We always said we wanted 2. When I picture my life in 5, 10 years etc there are 2 children in it.

Am I being utterly ridiculous to just try for a 2nd baby now? Woild it literally drive me mad?

I had twins we my second pregnancy and I swear two of them were easier than my first. Now I have three kids and lots of joy. If you really want two then you need to just think it is a small amount of time.

I had 5 and it was bloody hard work even though I was a SAHM. They're all
close to each other as adults, emotionally if not geographically.

We had two who were screamers and didn't like sleep, numbers 1&5 with the easy sleepers in between. Of course you don't know what you'll get but it does make an enormous difference! Our number 2 was a dream and we just thought it was all so easy. The youngest being a nightmare prevented me from becoming smug and taught me it really is mainly the baby not the parenting, however experienced you are.

Age gaps are brilliant, OP.
Having kids months apart are for mothers who absolutely love being in Baby World with kids hanging off them like satellites. If that's who you are, knock yourself out. Most of us are not and most of us can't wait to hit the speed button on the baby stage. I have 3 kids with big gaps because that's a) how it happened and b) what I could cope with. I wanted to be at home with one baby at a time, not three clinging onto me. I'd have scratched my eyeballs out. I love my kids like nothing/nobody else in the world. We all love our kids! BUT I've always needed one foot in my own creative space while immersing the rest of me in being a mother. I've always needed headspace. And I knew having 2 under 2 would be bad for my mental health. Know what your threshold is and work with it. Have your second baby on your terms, not society's. And good luck!

I'd get a new sympathetic GP first.

Thanks all.
I'm still very much undecided. I'm also aware that it may not happen straightaway so it might be sensible to start trying.
I just wish I felt more excited about it.

Please don't start trying. It seems very clear to me that you're not ready yet.

The added complication is that work have told me that I will be told when I can work next year. Our childminder- who DS loves - can only do wed, thurs and fri.
Apparently I cant request my days. I don't know what I'll do if they dont give me the same days again.

DC2 can't be bounced for hours in the dark, logistics don't allow it. 2nd children have to be a bit more resilient I am not a huge fan of babies. If we hadn't had DD2 while DD1 was still in nappies/having bottles/napping etc I would have found it so difficult to go back to the baby days.

Next year as in calendar year (2021) or academic year (2020-21)?

Join a union if you're not already a member. And there is helpful info on the citizens advice website, work section, about flexible working and changes to contracts.

Next academic year.

Ah ok. Why don't you talk to your childminder about it now - she might have more availability from September if she has any older children who will be starting school or preschool then.

And you could ask your union for advice about your rights, they might not be able to force you to change your days, and it might be possible to negotiate.

Lastly (controversial suggestion alert ) if you really can't get childcare on the days they want you to work, any chance your partner could try negotiating with his employer to allow him to cover it?!

Just to return to the thread and say thank you for al the advice and thoughts. We thought we would try for a month and see what happens.

I am now with child. Deep breath!!

Congratulations!!

OP - it sounds like you like the idea of babies and children more than the reality.
I know many people who regretted having more children, but no-one who stopped and regretted not having any more.

Mine are 3 years apart and the second was most definitely easier than the first. That’s just my experience though. If you want two, have two. You’ve survived the first so...??

Hahah that's what I'm hoping!

Nope, dont like the idea of babies, found the baby bit really hard and no doubt I will again. But children are another matter.

Congratulations OP! I just read this thread and that's a nice last post from you.

The thing is with your second, you'll have the perspective that is so woefully missing the first time round. With my second I felt 'if he doesn't sleep through for, say, 10 months, then those 300 nights are a tiny part of my life overall. I was sort of able to mentally chalk them up one at a time like I was marking them on the wall of a prison cell

My first was really hard. My second was harder. I had severe PND. He is still really hard work aged 5. Obviously I love him dearly but I do think if I could go back in time I'd stick at just one.
I have a friend whose first was also very hard work and they stopped at one. I look at her life now and am envious. It's so much easier for her than it is for me.
Make your decision based on the worst case scenario.

And I have a five year age gap. If I'd had them close together I think I'd have had a nervous breakdown.

Sorry! I didn't see all the posts. It didn't load properly.

Congratulations! Hope it all goes well.

Lol thanks Zurala

Congratulations! You'll be fine.

I did the same thing. I took a deep breath and went for it, knowing that the first year was going to be a slog, and it was, though of course not without its high points!

I don't think I would have ever reached the point where I would have been excited for another baby, but I definitely wanted two children with a smallish age gap. The baby stage is to be endured.

I was thinking long term. Short term it would have been easier to wait, but that just drags it out.

Now we have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and it's brilliant and getting better and better all the time. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for all the trappings of babyhood, just a little longer and we'll be completely done with naps, nappies etc. I'd hate to be starting again with a newborn now.

Having kids months apart are for mothers who absolutely love being in Baby World with kids hanging off them like satellites. If that's who you are, knock yourself out. Most of us are not and most of us can't wait to hit the speed button on the baby stage.

Wow I couldn't disagree more. Small age gaps mean LESS time in Baby World because you overlap it.

Yes and I agree that the second is easier even if they're not easier, so to speak, because you have that perspective. I never felt the desperation of sleeplessness with my second that I felt with my first, because I knew it was temporary. It is less psychologically challenging.

@Ravenfeet you have explained how I feel much more clearly than I did. I cant see me ever wanting to do the baby stage again, to me it is a bit like 'why would you?!' I'm hoping that I will.enjoy this little one a bit more because I wont be able to fret and obsess like I did with DS.
The logistics terrify me but I keep thinking they will work themselves out

I would. I had a terrible time with my first and waited three years and I wish most days they were closer together.