To have a baby just to get it over with?

[NeverGotMyPuppy]

Please forgive me if this is long. I just need somewhere to write it down and hear some other views.

DH and I have one son, he is nearly 16 months. I did not handle a newborn well. He was not the portable baby everyone advertises. From about 6 weeks he wouldn't nap in the pram. I literally gave my life to his naps, walking round the park for hours, bouncing on yoga balls in the dark, driving round for hours on end. It nearly broke me. I also had some very poor medical support (e.g. HV telling me to leave him to cry, one consultant telling me he had onviosundigesthve issues the next telling me he didnt, I went to my GP saying I was worried about my mental health and she said 'I dont really know why you're here').
I'm finding it easier now he is a toddler - working 3 days a week helps a great deal - and I love the interaction he gives us.

Here's the rub. We always said we wanted 2. When I picture my life in 5, 10 years etc there are 2 children in it.

Am I being utterly ridiculous to just try for a 2nd baby now? Woild it literally drive me mad?

I had a very tough first baby. Similar to your description. And to be honest, I don’t like babies much. My husband begged for the second and we had number 2 within 18 months. It was hard. Very very hard. I can’t even begin to tell you because words don’t do it justice.

But now they’re in late primary and every day I am so glad I did it and I am weirdly proud of myself for pushing through those first 4 years. It was well and truly worth it in every possible way.

There’s never a perfect time or perfect situation. Put your support systems in place now that you know how tough it really is. And do it.

I had 15 months between my 2, for the same reason as you. DC1 was awful sleeper, had colic, screamed alot.
DC2 was worse😖 did not sleep until she was over a year old.
But they were such great pals, after the initial few weeks which were tough, it was lovely, we were such a great little team.
Then, 9 years later, along came DC3, happy accident. this baby was sooo different, slept alot was happy, the first 2 DC loved him to pieces. He was a dream.
You never know what you'll get OP but I say go for it! what's the worse that can happen, who needs sleep😂😂

As others have said OP every baby is different, if DS2 had been our first I don’t think we would have had another!

Thanks so much for sharing everyone - this has been such a helpful read for us, DH and I have both read all your messages.

I think if we were planning on having more than waiting would make more sense - what's another 2 years - but we arent - so it seems like a long time.

It's not social conditioning that makes me want 2. I'm just a very intense person - I dont think I would do very well with an only child. Neither DH nor I get on with our siblings so we knownitnisnt guaranteed but I do think it's easier to please both when they are close together in ahe (another reason I would be quietly hoping for another boy).

What this thread has done has made me face the issue that as difficult as DS was actually his biggest issues was that he didnt sleep like I'd read he should sleep. And I let that govern us. I think i was the issue as much as DS.

I'm going to get myself onto the NHS CBT course, I think that might help.

In terms of support - my parents could move in. They arent great but they could take DS to the park, make drinks and dinner etc and I know they would. His godparents would also help out. MIL would but neither her nor her husband follow our wishes so that would be a last resort. We are fortunate that we can also chuck some money at the situation if needs be!

Thank you for the lack of judgement. We really do appreciate it.

I have a 3 yo and a 7 month old and I honestly haven’t found going from 1 to 2 particularly difficult. I think going from 0 to 1 was more difficult for me as I found it hard to come to terms with how utterly life changing having a child is at first, whereas DD2 has just slotted in somehow as I’ve already made in my view the biggest adjustment in being child free to having a child.

Snap.
DS1 was very hard work. Wouldn't nap without me driving miles, stopped napping at all in the day at one year, very full on. I went back to work pt at four months and it saved me. I never hadn't the urge for another and we had very little family help, but we went for it and had DS2 2.4 years later.
It was the best decisions we ever made. He was an easier baby who napped for two hours every day until he was three, and watching the relationship between them has been the single best part of parenting.
They're teens now and I'm so so glad we had a second fairly close together. Although nursery for two cost the equivalent of my salary for a couple of years but never had a single regret.

Just to counteract some of the ‘my second baby slept’ posts...

we had a 20 month gap. DD1 didn’t end up sleeping through the night until 3.5. DD2 was equally as horrific a sleeper as DD1, if not worse in the early days. DD1 dropped her nap the week before DD2 was born. Having 2 non sleepers at the same time literally nearly killed me.

I also balls hated the baby stage and had number two knowing I would not enjoy the first year. I was not wrong! Having two is SO much harder, sometimes I'm not sure if I'd actually do it again if I went back in time.. Fuck the fighting.. my misophonia got way worse and I feel I may not be as good as a mother as I was when I had only one.

BUT, the moments when they are loving to each other and kind and enjoying playing together? Those moments are getting more and more into the majority and I love it.

Things got a lot easier at the 1 year mark (number 2 was a no sleep soldier whereas my oldest slept 13 hours a night from about 8 weeks.. expectations were a little skewed).

It's a hard decision to make OP, but I did what you're considering doing and I'm still alive and (mostly) sane.

(I have a 3 year and 3 month age gap between mine and it was perfect. Any closer together in age I think and I would have had a hellish time).

You know you don't have to have kids two years apart right? Everyone I know seems to think you absolutely must have children with a less than 3 year age gap or they won't play together. My second was born when my first had started reception and it was GREAT. I had all day with baby to sort things and 6 hours with only one child per day. It was a really good choice for us. They play together fine. We still have two kids, I just didn't have to deal with an insane toddler AND being pregnant (which was awful due to hyperemesis both times).

It’s tricky with finding the right age gap.

I have 4 and a half years between my two. On the one hand it gave me time to ‘enjoy’ the first child until school age and then get plenty of alone time bringing up DC2 whilst DC1 was at school.

But at the same time it was very hard getting out of the baby/toddler stage, the milestone of starting school then bam! new baby and back to square one.

Also a couple of years down the line I now have a more independent older child plus a toddler who is an absolute handful! I do look at families with older kids who have a 2 year gap and it does seem a lot easier than what I’m currently dealing with- days out, holidays and so on seem smoother and the kids have more in common.

I’m sure there are plenty who have enjoyed a similar gap though, it’s pretty subjective.

My first was the hardest baby - sick, colic, not sleeping unless on me! But she was an amazing toddler an absolute angel! For lots of reasons (money and memories of lack of sleep!) I have a six year age gap - I then got a fantastic baby slept , breast fed fine - but she was a much more challenging toddler kept me on my toes!!
You have to do what works for you & what your ready for. I never intended originally to have such a big age gap but it works for us and now my younger one turning 10 makes me realise how fast time goes with them!!!

Elbeagle makes a fair point. Alas, it is luck of the draw. I think it helps to know that not everyone has babies who sleep-through from an early age. There will always be some that do... but there are others like most of us on this thread.

Absolutely. I think I'm so scared because I'm assuming a 2nd one would be the same as DS (to be fair to him he more often than not now sleeps through although we are going through a delightful phase of waking at 5.30 - cue me obsessing over sleep guidance again).

If you want another and feel emotionally ready then go for it. If you are having one becuase you feel like you have to have two then don't.

Have as many children as you feel comfortable with. Everyone is different, I know I could not handle more than one without my mental health going downhill again even though I always dreamed of 3!

I had a difficult number 1 but kind of did as you're suggesting and just got on with it. Actually by the time he was born she was a lot easier anyway, and he was a more relaxed baby so it wasn't so bad. They're 4 and a half and 7 now and I'm so glad I have two - they are (mostly) a joy. So is say yeah if you want two just grit your teeth and go for it , it provably won't be so bad!

My first was an absolute nightmare. It was one of the darkest times in my life despite being totally in love with her. I knew i wanted more than one child and would definitely have had another ASAP but my I split with my husband so wasn't meant to be. If you can afford it I'd get on with it. Second one might be more chilled.

Well after an enormously trying day I may just give up on the idea of a second altogether! I have been hit, had my hair pulled, cleaned up food that was lovingly prepared and then just chucked, wrestled with him to change his horrendous nappy whilst screaming and saved the poor car from getting her tail pulled.

It's been a bad day.

Every baby is different. I have four children, two were incredibly easy babies including the youngest who is 14 months old. When I say incredibly easy I mean literally not a bit of trouble ever, they’re almost always quiet and laid back (the eldest still is and he’s now nine). The other two almost broke me though, they were a massive wake up call after my first dream baby...

You may find the next baby is a lot more laid back but it depends, it may be another high needs baby like your first and it sounds as though your MH has taken a tumble. I’d give it time personally, you need a break.

I feel really sad tonight.
Today has been so hard and the idea of getting pregnant actually terrifies me. I dont understand how I've swung so much so quickly.

I hear you, OP.
I have always wanted 2 children.
I had a really tough time during pregnancy, childbirth and the first year of DS's life. Becoming a parent was a huge shock to the system and we didn't have it easy for various reasons.
In spite of that I still wanted a second and, like you, most definitely wanted to "get it over with", because having another is going back to zero, and the older DS gets the better it is.
I am now pregnant with DC2, which is what I wanted, but since finding out I have had a lot of thoughts along the lines WTF HAVE I DONE. I know what I'm letting myself in for this time.
One small mercy is that DS turns 3 soon so we will get the 30h childcare before DC2 is born. This means that we will be able to keep DS in nursery for a couple of days a week while I'm on maternity leave with DC2. I am holding onto this
So my advice is maybe wait until your son is 2y3m before TTC, if you do decide to go for it!

PS Definitely self-refer for CBT, it has been a big help to me in the past. There can be a long wait on the NHS though so get yourself on the list!

PPS about the 5.30am wakings. Try a gro clock. It worked a treat for my DS (terrible sleeper in first year). Best £20 I ever spent. Worth £20,000.

Right op, I wouldn’t bother just yet if i were you.

Give yourself time, there’s nothing wrong e h a bigger gap.

13 years between mine and I love it!

Mine are 23 months apart and best thing we did. First baby (boy) didn’t sleep, second (girl) was so much easier. They are just 4 and 2 now and best friends. Our reasoning was we aren’t sleeping now so why not get the sleepless nights out of the way. There have been some nights I’ve wondered why we thought that was a good idea. I’m looking forward to all the adventures we can start doing now the baby phase is over