To have a baby just to get it over with?

[NeverGotMyPuppy]

Please forgive me if this is long. I just need somewhere to write it down and hear some other views.

DH and I have one son, he is nearly 16 months. I did not handle a newborn well. He was not the portable baby everyone advertises. From about 6 weeks he wouldn't nap in the pram. I literally gave my life to his naps, walking round the park for hours, bouncing on yoga balls in the dark, driving round for hours on end. It nearly broke me. I also had some very poor medical support (e.g. HV telling me to leave him to cry, one consultant telling me he had onviosundigesthve issues the next telling me he didnt, I went to my GP saying I was worried about my mental health and she said 'I dont really know why you're here').
I'm finding it easier now he is a toddler - working 3 days a week helps a great deal - and I love the interaction he gives us.

Here's the rub. We always said we wanted 2. When I picture my life in 5, 10 years etc there are 2 children in it.

Am I being utterly ridiculous to just try for a 2nd baby now? Woild it literally drive me mad?

Thanks everyone. I'm so grateful for all these thoughts thoughts and experiences.

For added info - DS is with a childminder who he loves for 3 days a week. We thought we would drop it to 2 (term time only). We could I think keep it at 3 if we needed it.

I'm sticking with one. Everyone I know with more than one says one is easy, it's harder with two. I love dd but definitely one is enough!

If you're not sure, wait. There will be only 15 months between my two and I'm already wondering why we didn't wait longer and how I'm going to manage with 2 different age babies.

Now I have a toddler i can absolutely see why my MiL had a 6 year age gap! I don't want another but if I did I don't think I could contemplate it without DC1 being out of the house at full-time school or nursery. I couldn't look after 2 movers on no sleep.

I really really struggle with the baby stage. Up until approx 2 years it’s a long hard slog. I have three children. I chose to have three children because I wanted 3 children, not 3 babies. DC3 has just turned 1 and I keep thinking ‘in a year things will be easier’!
Having said that, there’s no rush. There was a 20 month gap between my first 2 and it was really bloody hard. DC2 was 3.5 when DC3 was born and that was so so so much easier. DC2 could dress herself, could be rationalised with etc when DC3 was born... completely different to having a toddler and a baby.

You never know what you’ll get!

My first hardly slept for the first 2 years. It was so intense that I waited 11 years for the memories to fade before I had number 2!

Number 2 was a much easier baby all round (although went on to suffer serious illness age 6 which put all the stressy baby years into a whole new perspective - thankfully she’s in remission now).

Whether you decide on a small, medium or big gap will probably depend on a whole load of factors, your age, your job, your partner, family finances etc. Plus secondary infertility is a thing that catches lots of women out.

Only you know what’s best for your family, but hopefully number 2 will be predictable and sleepy ;)

I could have written your post OP. My 1st cried for 18 months. We had a 2nd because I thought we better “just get it done” even though I though it would be horrendous.

Two things happened: My first became the easiest toddler and child - still is. So well behaved- people laugh when I say he was a difficult baby. Secondly, DS2 was the happiest baby in the World. I use to poke him in the pram cause I worried he was dead as he wasn’t screaming his head off.

One thing I did have set up was lots of support in case DS2 was awful. So I employed a post natal doula for 12 weeks - 2 afternoons a week (on basis I could sleep then). In fact she use to take my eldest out, look after baby while I had 1:1 with eldest.

My 2nd mat leave was honestly a time I look back on fondly:

Go for it I regret not having a baby my daughter's are 9 and 12 now and I feel the age gap is too big now don't leave it too late. Also my dds are best friends because they are so close in age they play together and do everything together

My first wouldn't sleep, in fact for the first 6 months she screamed whenever the pram wasnt physically moving - and she knew if we were rocking it backwards and forwards rather than walking too. I lost a lot of baby weight and didn't sleep. It was pretty horrendous. But in felt the same as you - I knew I wanted 2 babies. Once she got closer to a year she got happier, no better at sleeping (in fact shes 7 now and I can hear her singing away to herself upstairs now and it's nearly 10). We decided just to go for it - get all the lack of sleep and screaming out of the way in one go. It was completely the right decision for us, the 2nd was a bit easier but still not a great sleeper. Now they (finally) both reliably sleep through the night i couldn't have another, i couldn't go back to that. And they're 2 years apart and great friends, I love having them close together.

If the next baby was slightly more difficult for you to cope with than DC1 was, will you actually be able to muddle through and come out the other side as a happy family?

I don't think the idea of getting it over with is a bad one at all, but I do think you need to carefully consider whether it will just be a very rocky ride for a few years or whether you are somewhat likely to capsize IYSWIM. Knowing that it was difficult to cope last time, can you be more prepared for it this time? Can DH or family step up to take some of the burden and are they willing to (and reliable)? Can you buy in help that would make a difference or change your approach so it won't feel as hard?

Two children in childcare is expensive and day-to-day life with two children instead of one is generally significantly more difficult because they play off against each other as well as against you! So it isn't just about managing the same thing again. For most families, it's a step up in the difficulty level (it's also hugely rewarding when they start to get on and develop their own relationship).

At the same time, if you can manage the difficult infant years as close together as possible you won't have it hanging there ready to make things horrid again and dragging the difficult years out over more of your life.

Yeah I'd just crack on. My first was a high needs baby and I don't think I put her down for 4 months. Second was dead easy. They are 2 and 4 now and are starting to play together quite nicely. Get the baby bit done I say.

I felt like you. In the end we had a 3 years 8 month gap. It allowed me to survive pregnancy with being totally exhausted ( was still v tired) and at least number one was fairly self sufficient. I enjoyed my mat leave while he was at preschool and starting reception. The age gap is close enough for them to play together lots. Wasn’t planned but worked out well. I absolutely love having two of theM despite my fears.

Echoing other posters that you never know what No2 will be like. They may be the opposite of your first (likewise, they may have additional needs). I found having DC1 extremely hard. We put off having DC2 so there's a 4yr gap between them. It meant I could get my career back on track for three years, and sleep properly for 2 years before starting again. I do sometimes worry the gap is too big for them to have much in common as they go through life, but so far they adore each other and it's been pretty easy. I watched friends really struggle through smaller gaps, and personally, there's no way I could have done it.

Crack on as time waits for no one. If it's what you want as in two kids, go for it. The baby stage flies by in the blink of an eye. Plus your second could be polar opposites to your first.

I had one like yours, and a birth injury to boot. It was so so tough. Not entirely through choice ended up with a five year gap and it’s been great. I really don’t think I would have managed a toddler (mine still didn’t sleep at this point) and a new born.

However, I’ll also offer the advice my mum gave me: You are not Anne Boleyn, you do not have to have another one!

Same here so I decided not to have a 2nd. Once I realised it's ok to have 1 child, life got easier!

We had a very similar debate. DD is 21 months and I'm now 3 months pregnant.

I always wanted two or three children. But never particularly wanted babies. One was enough to teach me I want two, not three.

I found the baby bit really hard, DD had silent reflux (a stupid name, nothing fucking silent about it) and for months two hours was a good stretch of sleep. Part of the reason we went for this age gap is to get it out of the way. Also, from a career pov,I want to be past the maternity leave stage. I don't think I could go back to the baby stage if I had a four year old.

I'm quite frankly bricking it for the first six months. It was horrendous last time. But this time I know it ends.

I hated the baby stage with my DS1 and he it took him 5 years to sleep through the night in his own bed. I did a lot of the same in the early stages to get him to sleep. He was then a challenging toddler but has grown into the most amazing 10 year old imaginable. This was part of the reason for a 7 year age gap before we had DS2. He was very much the same and in many ways I just wish I had had them closer together to get it over with but again becoming the most amazing little person. However we currently have DS3 (6 weeks old) and he is an absolute delight. I still don’t really know what made me want to live this (imagined nightmare) again but it really is true that you never know how your child will be. You could get a dream baby and if not the baby/toddler stage is done quickly. DS3 is such a dream I want another child but DH definitely not keen😂

Oh and two mitigating factors that made it easier to decide to go ahead:

1. I had an easy pregnancy so could be cautiously optimistic the pregnant bit wouldn't be awful.

1. DD is in full-time nursery and absolutely loves it, and we can afford to keep her in for all of my maternity leave. I'm not sure I could handle two by myself all day every day. I'm sure I'll keep her home sometimes, but it'll be by choice.

I had my second because otherwise DS1 would be rather 'alone' in the world with no cousins or proper family.

DS1 was a nightmare, he screamed for a year. I spent hours aimlessly driving around so he'd sleep; I knew every carpet floor-bar in the department stores that I could 'bang' the pram over and over, rocking him quite hard over it so he'd stay asleep! The coffees that went cold as I had to walk out of mum's groups as no one could hear themselves think once he started up.

We had no 2 for the above reason and in the knowledge that, barring disaster, it wouldn't be worse. DS2 is 2 years younger than DS1. He wasn't 'a dream' but bloody hell, so much easier!!

With DS1 and night feeds, we didn't bother changing him as soon as he woke up, crying for a feed (often an hour after the last one...). I'd feed him which took 45 minutes, then he'd start crying, so we'd change him and decide who'd do first shift carrying him, howling, around the darkened house; and who'd put earplugs in for 30 mins, then swap. Night after night.

DS2, woke, cried, fed, 20-25 mins then... what is this thing? He appears to be asleep! We didn't know what to do. Genuinely! Surely you couldn't just put them down on their cot! Surely that would precipitate a screamathon lasting hours? We carefully, gingerly did so, and DS2 stayed asleep!! Then had to carefully change him. And there on in, change him before he fed.

What a revelation.

So no 2 was considerably easier. If not a stroll in the park.

They're now 20 and 18 😊

I would wait til your first is at least 3 or 4 or you will fucking lose your mind.

It's easier in many ways to have 2 children similar in age in many ways. Whilst there are obviously differences they quite often enjoy doing similar things. You haven't got one wanting white knuckle rides whilst the other is on the baby roundabouts for example.

And you do get it all over in one go rather than settling back into a career and then starting again.

Plus it would be quite unusual to have to kids with similar baby personalities - plus you are generally more laid back 2nd time around and babies often do pick up on this

My first was a terrible sleeper and suffered with constant colic - in for a penny in for a pond - second one born 12 months after first. We had to keep actually waking her to prove she wasn't dead she slept so well! Very exhausting first 2 years. Now two small children that have the closest bond a brother and sister could have. I darent Gary say it for fear of looking smug but they don't even argue. The hard work was well worth it. I dont play down how the first couple of years nearly shot my mental health to shit but boy has it come good now. They're a joy to watch together. Good luck whatever you decide

My first was very hard work and I had lots of health issues. Then I couldn't get pregnant/ had miscarriages till finally when ds1 started school we were successful. So I had 10 months grace, resting and preparing on my days at home, recovering from the previous 5 years!

It has turned out to be the best thing every -,number two is very chilled and I just stuck him in a sling (he puked constantly anyway so that worked better). I also could spend a lot of time resting and ds2 was finally sleeping through the night.

They have a fabulous bond and relationship and the age gap I think works as I know Ds1 would have been very jealous of ds2. By the time ds2 came he was desperate for a sibling and it made his entire life!

So perhaps give yourself some more time.

I must say it would have been nice to have had it all done by now but that wasn't possible and friends who've had 3 have had their youngest at the same time as us.

Hi op,

I've got a friend who has 2 children - age 6 and nearly 2. She was very nervous about trying for number 2 as her first child was such a challenge for the first couple of years. Horrendous sleeper, horrendous eater, never happy. Colic. Had a breastfeeding nightmare. Bit children at nursery.

Things are so different for my friend now. Her eldest had a complete transformation around age 3 and is now a kind and caring 6 year old who would never hurt anyone. The kind of child who always tries to do the right thing & enjoys school etc.

And as for her second child? Was a dream from day 1. Took really well to breastfeeding, a good sleeper and eater.

I'm obviously not saying that you're guaranteed an 'easy' child next time round but please be assured you're not guaranteed a more challenging child either. You never know!