To have a baby just to get it over with?

[NeverGotMyPuppy]

Please forgive me if this is long. I just need somewhere to write it down and hear some other views.

DH and I have one son, he is nearly 16 months. I did not handle a newborn well. He was not the portable baby everyone advertises. From about 6 weeks he wouldn't nap in the pram. I literally gave my life to his naps, walking round the park for hours, bouncing on yoga balls in the dark, driving round for hours on end. It nearly broke me. I also had some very poor medical support (e.g. HV telling me to leave him to cry, one consultant telling me he had onviosundigesthve issues the next telling me he didnt, I went to my GP saying I was worried about my mental health and she said 'I dont really know why you're here').
I'm finding it easier now he is a toddler - working 3 days a week helps a great deal - and I love the interaction he gives us.

Here's the rub. We always said we wanted 2. When I picture my life in 5, 10 years etc there are 2 children in it.

Am I being utterly ridiculous to just try for a 2nd baby now? Woild it literally drive me mad?

My first was a horror, my second slept all the time. (I didn't have a third because I didn't want to push my luck.) No guarantees as to what you'll get. But it is easier to cope with the awful young baby stage once you've already done it once and know what to expect. It can still be bad, but your expectations are lower, so the gap between expectations and actuality isn't so huge.

I've got 3 and just had them because I wanted 3 children.Actual walking, talking fascinating children. Lovely! You've expressed this so well! I know some women really love the baby stage, but for some of us it is a necessary evil on the path to having children.

Oh and I’ve had three non sleeping babies. First slept through the night at 3.5, second was a dream in comparison at 18 months, and third is 12 months and up 3 or 4 times a night. But we survived.

If you don't want another baby, don't have one. No one is forcing you to and your son will not be the only only child in the village, there are plenty of them around.

Many people want two or three children and change their minds after having one. You've had health problems, you're now much better, have a job and a decent life. You've a lot to be thankful for and you have a gorgeous baby, something many people long for.

My first dc was a nightmare (health issues, non-sleeper, could not entertain herself, needed to be held all the time, crying).

People told me lightning will not strike twice but it did. Ds was equally bad (except for the health issues).

I am so glad I had a 3 year age gap. Any sooner and dd would not have taken to ds so well. I hated the baby/toddler and early years stage but it is a necessary evil until they past 10 where they are actually a delight now and great company and help now at 13 and 16.

My first DC slept brilliantly but only in his cot and was horrendous if he didn’t get his naps. As he slept about 19/20 hours a day, I was basically stuck in the house for a year, it was awful. No one understood the issue, I was very lonely. He was referred to a specialist for sleeping too much, but the appointment didn’t happen as around his first birthday he started to be less sleepy. This put me off having baby 2 for about 3 years, though I was then pushing 40 so I went for it. Baby 2 had severe reflux which was difficult but in comparison, for me at any rate, much easier to deal with as other people understood and were sympathetic. Babies are all different and so are mums, both ‘babies’ are teenagers now and I’m so glad I had them both, and that I didn’t leave ttc baby 2 until too late. Baby 1 still sleeps well! Baby 2 still has mild reflux, but it’s now controlled.

Honestly. 100%. Why would you?

I had an easy pregnancy and birth. They were a dream.

We chose a second because we wanted to. It was our choice. Had it not happened, we would still have been lucky to have one

My first was like this.. there’s a 4 year gap between my kids for this very reason. That said, my youngest was a lot less work! It really depends on you and if you can manage having 2 under 3.

25 months between mine.

Had a tough time with first - EMCS, cmpa, severe silent reflux. First 6 months were hell. 2.5 now and still has multiple food allergies. Aside from that he is a v happy boy

Second has been even worse - now 9 months but has had feeding issues, cmpa, severe silent reflux, poor weight gain, TT released 3 times. At one point he was on 5 medications, 10 doses a day. Has literally been stuck to me for 8 months. Have just managed to get him out my bed and into his own room and he's only just started enjoying being put down so
I can actually have my arms free for a few mins.

It's been hell and it's very nearly broke me but the bond between them both is amazing and even the younger one is a happy soul when he's feeling well so it does make it worthwhile

However it's totally put me off having another, I always imagined 4.

If and IF I ever have another I'll be sure to put support in place - an overnight nanny so I can get full nights sleep couple times a week, massages to help my body recover, cooked food (not takeaway), cleaner couple times a week

The things that stressed me out was the lack of sleep and all the things I normally do not being done

If you really want a second then I would say don’t leave it for more than 5 year age gap. I have a 10 year gap between my two and the new baby stage is absolute hell on Earth. I wish I had had babies sooner together and got the whole baby thing done and out the way already! Saying that, I love my little man to bits and know he wouldn’t be him if we had tried earlier!

I had a similar attitude to you OP, despite a traumatic birth and very difficult first few months. So...In what can only be described as a moment of madness we decided to just get the baby stage done in one fell swoop and DC2 was born a few weeks before DC1’s first birthday

I won’t lie, it is bloody hard. Currently have a 16 month old and a 2 year 3 month old. It’s gruelling and exhausting and I miss my old life a lot. But .. they are so lovely together (most of the time!) and I just keep telling myself that in a couple of years things will be a lot easier.

We did briefly contemplate a third before sanity was restored and we realised we would probably collapse from exhaustion. If we’d started younger it might have been different but I’m 37 now and feel about 100

My first dc was a total nightmare and still is at 17, my second was a dream and I didn’t miss a night’s sleep.

I never thought I would have an "only child", but I didn't feel ready to have another very soon, and then realised I wasn't sure I wanted to start all over again. I did a bit of thinking about why I didn't want to have just one, and realised that the main reason was other people's disapproval - in particular, although she'd not said anything since DD was born, I'd heard enough of my mother's views on only children as a child to know she would disapprove. Having worked that out, I decided it wasn't a very good reason!

In the end, one child seems to have worked very well for us, and we've discovered that there are all sorts of advantages.

A second child may well be easier than the first, but don't rule out the possibility of sticking at one just because it's not something you've previously considered.

It'll be nice for your DC to have a sibling. Being an only child is hard. Throughout life inc as an adult.

I have a 22 month age gap between my youngest two and it’s honestly nearly driven me to suicide at times . I am going back to work early to help my sanity.

I know people say the baby stage is over in the blink of an eye but I don’t feel like this at all. Every single day feels like a year and it’s still a long time to be suffering physically and mentally.

You sound like you do want a second though so go for it and I hope things work out!

If you imagine yourself with two in the future then yes you probably do just need to get on with it because the baby stage is very short relative to their whole life. However I would time the gap so that your eldest is more independent just in case you have another difficult baby.

I can only speak from my experience. I have a 3 year gap between my two. Like you I had always said 2 (being an only child, I felt clear on this).
The 3 years was not by choice but because it took around 13 months to get pregnant.
By 3 years my DS was at nursery a few mornings a week, potty trained and so on.
Not going to lie, I did find it hard and felt really stressed for a good year.
Both of them are completely different and found 2nd easier than 1st. But it was just that first year was so hard!
But I wouldn't change it for anything. It was worth it to have the two of them.

My first was a dream baby. My second is savage.

There's an accidental 17 month age gap between mine and they are both like the child you describe in your OP unfortunately. I thought I was going to have a "good" second child but she was actually worse. Neither of them sleep and I've never been able to leave the house alone with them as they're either both screaming or, now they're both older, running off in different directions. I can count on one hand the times I've left the house solo in the past 2 years which sounds so sad I realise. I go to work for a break as I really dislike my home life. I realise that the majority of people seem to get on fine with it all though.

WTF wow, hard. Sorry to hear how your struggling, tho I do recall not feeling able to leave the house.

I believe that in the near future, as your DCs go through different stages, things will come together for you.

But I get why it doesn't feel like that right now!

I had a difficult first baby and found things very tough - the first 6 months of his life seem quite grey and bleak when I look back in it. But as he became and older baby and toddler I gradually found things easier and much more enjoyable. The difference was so pleased that I really wanted to take the time to enjoy it. So we ended up with a 3 year age gap between DC1 and DC2. DC2 was a much easier baby, but worse sleeper. Mentally I was in a much better place, though I did still find having the two of them hard work and very tiring - it definitely wasn't a walk in the park.

I would say don't have too close an age gap - a bigger age gap is likely to be easier and therefore better for your mental health.

My 2nd was a great baby, there's 2 years 9 days between them, 2nd baby was sleeping through the night before the eldest, she just slotted right in i had no problems going from 1 to 2. They are very close now I'm so glad i never waited any longer.

Go for it now, while you're still able to cope with the sleep deprivation! I think 2 children is an ideal amount and I adore my two. The small age gap helped because once the unrelenting baby/toddler stuff is over, it's truly over. I don't think I'd have managed as well with a second baby if I'd had a long time to forget how to cope on what felt like zero sleep with a baby constantly attached to me. OTOH, I suppose you have a shorter time with the cute baby/toddler stuff with a small age gap. I miss the memory of the baby phase way more than the reality of it - babies be cute! :)

My first baby almost destroyed me, but like you, I knew that I wanted another. I felt that if I allowed myself to recover then I probably wouldn't be able to face going through it again. So I went ahead with number two. The second one was slightly easier, but not great. There were a few years of hell then things improved and I was glad that we had made the decision to have them close together. We were always able to do family activities that were age appropriate, they have kept each other company and provide support during tough times now that they are adults.

I'm sure that there are benefits to waiting, but I think that it was the correct decision for our family.

If you found the first hard I would wait at least another year. 2-3 I found very tough too. I was ready for my second when dc1 was about 4. Given what you've said I would start trying for your dc2 when your eldest is turning 3. Totally understand you though, I found a newborn a crazy adjustment to make and found it very difficult. Surprisingly pregnant with Dc4