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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I just walk out of here?

459 replies

Rayray118 · 06/01/2020 16:02

Okay, long story short I'm a writer who's been offered the exclusive use of a friends apartment abroad so I could spend two weeks writing. I dived on it of course. I've just begun a major project and will be enormously busy with my day job (I have one of those unfortunately!) for the rest of the spring and summer. Aside from weekends this is the only chunk of time I have to focus on this and if I don't get a decent 20,000 words written in these two weeks there's just no point in my being here.

20,000 words is easy going for two weeks and I left it at that as a plan because I wanted to spend a night or two at the weekends with my friend who owns the apartment. She lives about twenty minutes drive from here and lets out this apartment in short lets most of the year but of course in January it's quiet. I had expected, and made very clear, that I need solitude to write. I arrived here on Friday and so far solitude has been no part of this experience.

My friend stayed here Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I really wasn't expecting her to stay last night and thought that was pushing it, so I reminded her that as I'd said I need solitude to write. She seemed rather shocked and appalled when I suggested that she come back next weekend and leave me on my own till then. This morning she came up with some bizarre excuse about needing to stay tonight also. To me it's just getting ridiculous at this stage. To clarify, she is not lonely, nor is there any other reason I can see why she'd be so inconsiderate. She knows exactly what I came here to do and why it's so important that I be left alone to do it. She lives twenty minutes away in a very large comfortable home with her husband. She is also in a very happy and loving marriage. It seems to me she's just wilfully oblivious to how important it is to me to be alone to undertake this task, however clear I was about it before I arrived.

I can imagine some people may think I've little to worry about but if I don't get this done in the next ten days I won't get it done before late summer. I am wondering to myself if I should just pack my bags and rent an Air BnB somewhere else while I've still got ten days left? I don't want to do anything to damage my friendship but I cannot say how important or irreplaceable this time is to me. I am also getting increasingly frustrated, another few days and I'll be extremely resentful - honestly this about the most boundary-less behaviour I've experienced in a long time!

Any opinions would be most welcome.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 08/01/2020 11:01

You seem completely bemused by her behaviour (reasonably) but, rather than speculate about her motivation, why not ask her?

^^This.

And I never understand why it's ok for someone to upset you and cause you real-life problems and yet you are not willing to confront her about it?

Seaweed42 · 08/01/2020 11:06

Why don't you stay up all night writing when she is asleep and then sleep all day while she is there?

paranoidmum2 · 08/01/2020 11:11

Daytime sleeping is horrible.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/01/2020 11:28

Yes, when I really need to concentrate on work, I find I need to work with and make the most of my established diurnal rythms and regular habits more so than usual.

Disrupting my normal sleep patterns would cause massive problems and lose me many more productive hours than it gained (from bitter experience!).

MarySidney · 08/01/2020 11:35

It's not about word count. It's about the peace and quiet to let the story run in your head.

Yes, I often do the writing in my head when I'm out for a walk, or doing the ironing, or in a notebook on the train or in a coffee shop. In other words, when I'm alone and uninterrupted. It then doesn't take long to type up, and another person might think the typing time is all it takes.

MzHz · 08/01/2020 11:38

I’m pretty sure that as kind as It is to give the friend the benefit of the doubt that she’ll get it... but I think it’s practically impossible that this will happen. @Rayray118 love, be ready to book next week elsewhere cos you’re going to need it - in fact if you explain it well enough up front you can possibly save the relationship by leaving ‘early’.

MzHz · 08/01/2020 11:41

And I never understand why it's ok for someone to upset you and cause you real-life problems and yet you are not willing to confront her about it?

Id imagine that many in this situation @Nanny0gg would feel that the “free” apartment means you are pitifully grateful and any kind of request that involves your bountiful host not being indulged is seen as the lowest of the low and beyond crass.

Motoko · 08/01/2020 12:35

True MzHz. There have been pps on here saying YABU to OP, because her friend offered the flat for free, so OP has an obligation to pay her back by spending time with her, completely ignoring the reason the flat was offered in the first place.

There are lots here who think you should be eternally grateful for a gift of any kind.

MarshaBradyo · 08/01/2020 12:38

I don’t think she should stay and spend time just leave in a way that still thanks the friend and ends on a good note. Which I’m sure the op will / has done.

MarshaBradyo · 08/01/2020 12:39

Majority have said leave anyway.

PuppyMonkey · 08/01/2020 12:51

Well, I don’t know about anyone else but I think there’s potential for a bloody good novel in this whole scenario .Grin

The Woman in the Flat.
The Woman who Refused to Leave.
The Woman Who Wouldn’t Listen.
The Woman Who Was Just Very Annoying Generally.

Come on all you creative writers, get me a 500 words synopsis done by teatime.Grin

MarshaBradyo · 08/01/2020 12:55

Ha Puppy it’s the ending that’s open..

Op has gone verrry quiet dohohooo

Equanimitas · 08/01/2020 13:15

OP, you need to grow some balls and tell her to stop coming over. Why haven’t you done that, every single day when she’s called you and said she’ll be over that night? And when she says she’s staying the night, why haven’t you asked her WHY?

Presumably because it would be the ultimate in entitled to tell someone they can't come to their property that they are lending you for free?

Rayray118 · 08/01/2020 13:18

@MarshaBradyo Having said that the friend offered a free flat which was very nice and should be treated as such. So when you go thank and maybe a small gift. End the visit on good terms.

I arrived with a fairly expensive gift because I really appreciated the offer of two weeks solitude in a pleasant environment. Some people are saying this experience would make the bones of a good murder mystery; now that my rage is subsiding I'm inclined to think it'd be better suited to a farcical comedy.

Someone wanted to know why I wasn't prepared to confront her. I have done that numerous times and it's fallen on deaf ears. Someone also suggested they'd barricade themselves in the flat. I'm fully convinced if I did that she'd find herself a ladder and the next thing she'd be peering through the window in a state of perplexity and gog-eyed confusion, genuinely concerned for my welfare. Maybe I should just abandon what I'm doing and get going on that comedy. God knows there's inspiration agogo!

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 08/01/2020 13:19

What a bloody time waster you "friend" is. I'd be off because she couldn't less about you and your needs and feels entitled to impose whenever she wants.
Leave and never contact her again.

MarySidney · 08/01/2020 13:20

Come on all you creative writers, get me a 500 words synopsis done by teatime.grin

I know you added a Grin - but if I'm going to write 500 words by teatime, it'll be for my own WIP, that I might actually make some money from! Grin

Rayray118 · 08/01/2020 13:21

@Equanimitas Presumably because it would be the ultimate in entitled to tell someone they can't come to their property that they are lending you for free?

Except that she's not lending it to me, and I really don't understand how you've missed that point.

OP posts:
MadamePewter · 08/01/2020 13:28

I think there must be a reason why she and her husband don’t want you alone in the flat.

It’s beyond bizarre for her to stay there when she lives with her DH down the road otherwise.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/01/2020 13:31

This is a lovely inversion of the usual MN complaint; 'I live in a holiday destination, people are always asking to stay, then presuming we'll take the week off work to show them around'.

Maybe OP's friend should arrange a house-swap (guest swap?) with one of those families?

Maybe something to play with in that farce OP?

lottiegarbanzo · 08/01/2020 13:35

You must ask her why she's staying over.

Re-creating student days? Hates being home alone at night and thinks you're the same? Thinks you'll be entertaining night-time visitors otherwise (a touch of the Brief Encounter)?

KatyCarrCan · 08/01/2020 13:38

I didn't meant to be patronising by asking whether you were a professional or not. It's just that I find people's attitude can change if they perceive something is a 'hobby' or a job. The same way some people think that if you 'work from home' then you're actually available all the time. I was wondering if that had created the difference in expectation.
But it seems, your friend is just absolutely clueless about 'writing'. Or her knowledge about writing is in conflict with her idea of being a good 'host'.
Tell her you'll name a character after her, if she leaves you alone for 4 hours Wink

BrowncoatWaffles · 08/01/2020 13:44

So have you booked somewhere for Friday @Rayray118?

You are much more patient than me, I think I’d have murdered her by now!

Vanhi · 08/01/2020 13:44

Someone also suggested they'd barricade themselves in the flat. I'm fully convinced if I did that she'd find herself a ladder and the next thing she'd be peering through the window in a state of perplexity and gog-eyed confusion, genuinely concerned for my welfare. Maybe I should just abandon what I'm doing and get going on that comedy. God knows there's inspiration agogo!

That reminds me of a flatmate I had who was convinced that my need to sleep, in the dark, and be left absolutely alone for a migraine was bollocks and what I really needed was a chat and a nice bowl of soup. That one had the makings of a murder mystery. Well not really a mystery, if I'm honest.

HaileySherman · 08/01/2020 13:51

Nothing wrong with tactfully as possible telling her you need to be undisturbed or you will have to go elsewhere. Explain the situation to her (again) and then leave if you need to. If she takes offense, you can at least be assured you were as tactful and polite as possible. Enforcing boundaries can be uncomfortable for everyone involved but it's so necessary for a happy/successful life. I am terrible at it, but working on it everyday

MzHz · 08/01/2020 13:59

hold on, she's not lending you the flat for free - are you paying for it? Shock

You don't need to understand the principles of stories here to know the beginning, middle and end of this tale are already written...

You need to tell her today that you'll be leaving at the end of the week, because you are not getting any work done at all, are well behind and need complete ad utter seclusion and isolation to get this as back on track as you can get it.

@Vanhi, that made me laugh !