Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I just walk out of here?

459 replies

Rayray118 · 06/01/2020 16:02

Okay, long story short I'm a writer who's been offered the exclusive use of a friends apartment abroad so I could spend two weeks writing. I dived on it of course. I've just begun a major project and will be enormously busy with my day job (I have one of those unfortunately!) for the rest of the spring and summer. Aside from weekends this is the only chunk of time I have to focus on this and if I don't get a decent 20,000 words written in these two weeks there's just no point in my being here.

20,000 words is easy going for two weeks and I left it at that as a plan because I wanted to spend a night or two at the weekends with my friend who owns the apartment. She lives about twenty minutes drive from here and lets out this apartment in short lets most of the year but of course in January it's quiet. I had expected, and made very clear, that I need solitude to write. I arrived here on Friday and so far solitude has been no part of this experience.

My friend stayed here Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I really wasn't expecting her to stay last night and thought that was pushing it, so I reminded her that as I'd said I need solitude to write. She seemed rather shocked and appalled when I suggested that she come back next weekend and leave me on my own till then. This morning she came up with some bizarre excuse about needing to stay tonight also. To me it's just getting ridiculous at this stage. To clarify, she is not lonely, nor is there any other reason I can see why she'd be so inconsiderate. She knows exactly what I came here to do and why it's so important that I be left alone to do it. She lives twenty minutes away in a very large comfortable home with her husband. She is also in a very happy and loving marriage. It seems to me she's just wilfully oblivious to how important it is to me to be alone to undertake this task, however clear I was about it before I arrived.

I can imagine some people may think I've little to worry about but if I don't get this done in the next ten days I won't get it done before late summer. I am wondering to myself if I should just pack my bags and rent an Air BnB somewhere else while I've still got ten days left? I don't want to do anything to damage my friendship but I cannot say how important or irreplaceable this time is to me. I am also getting increasingly frustrated, another few days and I'll be extremely resentful - honestly this about the most boundary-less behaviour I've experienced in a long time!

Any opinions would be most welcome.

OP posts:
ktp100 · 07/01/2020 21:41

I'm going to be fucking fuming if this turns out to be yet another OP abandoned thread!!!!

CrimsonCattery · 07/01/2020 21:44

I tend to work best surrounded by people and being interrupted a lot while veering between tasks. I however have the empathy to know not everyone is like me. She is a knob.

xsarax · 07/01/2020 21:56

**ktp100

I'm going to be fucking fuming if this turns out to be yet another OP abandoned thread!!!!

Same !

TheMaddHugger · 07/01/2020 22:00

Lack of update at this time doesn't bother me at all. I presume one way or another OP has found a quiet spot to hibernate and finish her work.

We might not hear anything for another week

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 07/01/2020 22:02

I'm going to be fucking fuming if this turns out to be yet another OP abandoned thread

Far too overinvested!

Chunkers · 07/01/2020 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ktp100 · 07/01/2020 22:10

@TimeForPlentyIn2020 It's happening too bloody often!

ExhaustedFlamingo · 07/01/2020 22:10

@Chunkers - I’m still upset we never got closure on that one!! 😂😂

Vanhi · 07/01/2020 22:17

Are you a professional, paid, published writer or is this your hobby? It seems as though your friend thought it would be nice to spend time together hence why she offered you her flat for free. Very few people would make such an offer and think they'd never see you so I don't understand how you thought you could turn up effectively ignore her (when she usually lives a flight away) and then go home.

The friend offered the place. The OP made it clear she'd need peace and quiet but also expected to meet and spend time with the OP. She just didn't expect her friend to stay every night and sleep so close to her that she literally fell over her on the way to the bathroom.

If the OP doesn't come back, I suggest every writer on here (paid and hobbyist Hmm ) makes up an ending and people can just pick the one they prefer.

Merryweather80 · 07/01/2020 22:39

I hope you managed to find somewhere quiet to get into your bubble.
So many people really don't understand the need for uninterrupted quiet time in order to work creatively.
When I'm writing I very often have my desk, the floor and another table with books, art materials, previous illustrations, pages with character traits and a scribble pad. All of those bits and bobs stay there until I've finished what I’m working on. This kind of working isn't conducive to families or friends. People ’helpfully’ move things, look at what's out, read over my shoulder - which drives me insane with rage- or natter away etc.
You made it clear to your friend what you needed and wanted to achieve from your stay, she's chosen to interpret that as something completely different. You explained again. Again she's ignored you. That's beyond acceptable.

What precious time you have left you need your space to do that you need to do how you want to do it.

Yes I'd be cross, yes I'd either leave or barricade myself in the apartment to work.
I cant believe her attitude. She's more irritating that a dripping tap!

I've even invested in ear plugs in order to find my bubble. Silence with your own thoughts is essential sometimes.

Good luck with your project. X

Isaura · 07/01/2020 22:43

I too think she does not trust you to be alone in her property. Leave and find somewhere conducive to your needs.

paranoidmum2 · 07/01/2020 23:49

@KatyCarrCan

Are you a professional, paid, published writer or is this your hobby?

How patronising.

so I don't understand how you thought you could turn up effectively ignore her (when she usually lives a flight away) and then go home.

I don’t understand why you can’t just believe the OP? For a writer you don’t seem to be great at reading.

Livingoncake · 08/01/2020 00:48

OP, I really hope you’ve found a sanctuary.

I understand. I’m a teacher, and my very extroverted DH just doesn’t get why I won’t start my marking in the evenings until the kids are in bed. Apparently I should be able to just mark in between dealing with their needs. He also doesn’t get why I don’t want to do it in the same room with him while he games or watches TV! Some people really can’t deal on their own, and unfortunately some, like your friend, can be really selfish about it.

Original poster
Rayray118 · 08/01/2020 01:25

To the person who wanted to know "Are you a professional, paid, published writer or is this your hobby?" I am a professional, paid, published writer who, like most authors on the planet, writes part-time. My friend knows this and has done for years.

I don't see the point of this question to be honest, as the answer wouldn't shift the dynamics in any significant way. I could be someone who made a hobby out of counting beans; I'd still expect to be allowed the peace promised to concentrate on my bean-counting in these circumstances!

So now for the update (since some people are concerned I might have an Annie Wilkes on my hands, Lol.) My friend is actually a lovely person who just hasn't got a clue the mindset I need to be in to write. It's a totally foreign and alien concept to her. She bounced in here yesterday having been gone about three hours or so all bright eyed and buzzing with positivity as she asked "Did you get your writing done?" How do you respond to that?! What was I supposed to say? "No, I've been sitting here stressing so badly about you walking back through that door that I had to take my nervous tension online and offload it on a load of strangers, most of whom, by the way, absolutely get the stress that's sailing right over your head!"

So anyway, she stayed last night, was supposed to leave today, then announces today that she'll be staying again tonight before adding "I'll leave you alone tomorrow." If you'd told me yesterday this would happen today you'd have likely seen my head explode, but I'm experiencing some guilt around this because I like her enormously, and in some weird way the guilt is calming me down. It's sort of deflated the rising animosity was experiencing. I'm not as resentful as I was yesterday; it feels like I'm becoming resigned to it.

The mad thing is how utterly disconnected from the situation she is. For example she was talking to me today and she started making plans for us for the weekend. I told her "At this stage I'm going to have to write through most of the weekend to catch-up on my word count, I'm behind by at least six thousand words." We've discussed this a number of times now and she's acknowledged the need to leave me alone, yet the reply was a simple "Oh!", as if she'd just heard something disappointing and not expected at all!

I spent time online today checking out different flight combinations and AirBnB's and have decided to give it till Friday. I found some half-decent deals on that day. It'll also be a full week at that stage and if nothing's changed by then it's not going to.

OP posts:
OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart · 08/01/2020 01:29

I don’t understand why you’re still there.

Original poster
Rayray118 · 08/01/2020 01:37

@OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart Believe me I've asked myself that same question - the answer is there's a choice here between a couple more days head-wreak and irreparable damage to a friendship. I've decided to gamble on the head-wreak.

OP posts:
purplebunny2012 · 08/01/2020 01:37

I honestly wonder if she "likes you" likes you

SofiaAmes · 08/01/2020 01:39

What part of the world are you in....maybe a mumsnetter can help (happy to put you up if you are in Los Angeles)....

Livingoncake · 08/01/2020 01:44

OP, she is not going to leave you alone. You know that, don’t you? How much more writing time can you afford to lose?

OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart · 08/01/2020 01:51

Oh dear. Friendships can be hard.

She sounds absolutely infuriating, as well as oblivious. Like she has literally no awareness. Can she really be that... I’m failing to find the right word... thick?

OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart · 08/01/2020 01:54

Something like insensitive and thoughtless. Like a merry bulldozer. I’m sure there’s a better word!

Original poster
Rayray118 · 08/01/2020 02:05

I hear what you're all saying. Probably I should just cop on and fuck off. The thing is, even if she left tomorrow morning, I've been through so much frustration and internal stress in trying to make my feelings heard and understood here that I probably couldn't get into the zone anyway in this environment.

Also, to add to the fun and games, it's the small hours of the morning, I'm bursting for a piss, and anyone who's read the thread though will know what that means...

OP posts:
Livingoncake · 08/01/2020 02:15

Just go pee! Tough shit if it disturbs her, it’s a problem of her own making.

HannaYeah · 08/01/2020 02:40

Based on everything you’ve said she’s not going to mind if you wake her up. She sounds very sweet and very dumb!

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/01/2020 02:42

Go for a wee. She is the one being inconsiderate to you. And if you are able, maybe see if it would be possible to get some writing done now.