Sisters wedding and weird behaviour from sister/parents

[Gingerninja01]

My sister got engaged last year, and I couldn't have been happier for her. I was the first to send her a congratulations card, and had a personalised wedding planner made for her to jot ideas down etc as she planned the wedding. I asked a few times if she wanted any company at wedding fairs etc and if I saw anything i thought she would like that matched the colours she had mentioned etc, I whatsapped it over to her. I got quite a cool response each time so I got the impression she maybe found it this annoying and so stopped - fine by me, its not like I'm a wedding enthusiast, i was just trying to be sisterly and show some enthusiasm. As well to add to the mix, I think I also felt a bit of pressure to be visibly enthusiastic as my parents are convinced I'm desperate to marry OH of 10yrs and must be secretly gutted its not me getting married (honestly not the case but this always falls on deaf ears).
Anyway my sisters planning her wedding, fine, asked me to be one of her bridesmaids,cool. When discussing her hen weekend, she asked for this to be arranged specifically for my due date (in a few weeks!) Her wedding isnt until April, but she insisted she needed to be "fresh for the wedding". Although I found this a bit "off" I obviously don't expect the hen do to be planned around me, and in all honesty there probably woudnt have been a great time for me to go anyway, as I'd have either been pregnant or have a newborn.
I dutifully went along to "planning meetings" with the other bridesmaids (2 of my sisters friends who i don't know) and helped plan her hen weekend, paid towards my sisters place etc
Meanwhile I realised I hadnt heard from my sister in ages. This isn't unusual as were not really that close I guess, but I would have thought she would have at least asked how the pregnancy is going, how DD is etc, but nothing. I then got a mesaage from my mum informing me my bridesmaid dress had arrived at her house and i need to try it on for alterations. I knew absolutely nothing about a bridesmaid dress, my sister hasn't even mentioned she had been to look at any. I obviously hadn't tried anything on either. I told my mum that I was surprised my sister hadn't mentioned anything to me about a dress, and queried if there's any point trying it on while I'm so pregnant as it will need several alterations presumably. This was taken by my parents to be a sign I'm so terribly jealous and am refusing to try my dress on. Infuriating, not the case!!!
I still haven't heard from my sister, other than she sent a Christmas card and £20 for DD to which I have sent a thankyou card.
Would other people feel hurt if they were me that their sister has not communicated anything about the wedding to me, and has literally not contacted me for months for no apparent reason. We haven't fallen out or had a cross word. I think this is my parents doing their bitching and my sister hangs on their every word.
I feel particularly hurt as my parents and sister know I had horrendous PND after having DD 2.5yrs ago, there was no support from them then and whereas I don't expect support from this time, i find it hard to swallow the way they are behaving this time around as well.
Am I being unfair to be completely sick of them?

What is it that you'd like to do to address it?

Let it all sail over you, get to the wedding, wear the dress?

Or gracefully step out of the bridesmaid role, let them return the dress, refuse to engage in the drama?

You said you are not that close.

I'd guess you were asked out of duty.

Have you tried to get in touch with your sister? You need to circumvent your parents. Wedding aside, if you want a relationship with her you need to tell her so, I think. I do understand your frustration, sounds rubbish.

I don't want to cause any drama or upset my sister, also aware that with my parents anything other than maniacally grinning and saying yes to everything suggested is taken as a sign of jealousy/bad behaviour etc and thats how i then get portayed to the wider family.

It just sounds like they are TOTALLY ignoring the fact that you are pregnant. Maybe it's time for you to confront them. I can't believe your own mother isn't acknowledging that you're pregnant. Nobody seems to be worried about the fact that you could deliver mid-hen do. I mean, that won't be the case because you obviously won't be going on a hen do since it's your due date.
I'm wondering if your otherwise lovely family is just not coping well with planning a wedding. Maybe your sister has overwhelmed herself and isn't able to actually consider your needs (which is still lame, but if she's an otherwise lovely, kind sister, I'd chalk it up to wedding planning blindness). You do need to speak up.

Be blunt with your parents. Tell them if they don't stop making out you have a problem with your sisters wedding they are going to make it a miserable affair for her. They sound like they long for some drama.

Is it not significant that she booked the hen thing on your exact due date? I do feel for you. Your parents and sister sound quite unpleasant. You’re not going to get what you need from any of them.
I’d consider cracking on over to your mum’s for the stupid dress, say yes as often as possible, get through the wedding and then disengage. You’ll have done your best there, although I can see they’d still find opportunities to find fault.
They aren’t good for you and you need to take care of yourself. Does your DP agree with how you feel about them all?

God that's so annoying. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't! Therefore I would do whatever is best for you tbh. If you genuinely want to be bridesmaid then speak to your sister directly to work out what's best. If you don't then just bow out.

Either way you need to accept that your parents have an unshakeable narrative about you that you can't change. You could try speaking very plainly to them "mum and dad I feel like I can't be myself around you because you believe I am jealous of sister's wedding. It's causing a lot of drama and you need to listen to my words not twist them to fit what you believe"

I don't think I could be bothered. My family are like this and I have very little input beyond turning up to these events and nodding and smiling. It used to cause me so much upset, but a lot less now I place myself outside the drama circle.

They are dicks.

Try and get through it woth minimum drama. Just say yes to everything and after the wedding take stock. I'd be distancing myself and focusing on my own family tbh.

Please, talk to your sister. Do not go through your parents, maybe joke to your sister that your parents have told you to try on the bridesmaid even though you are 9 months pregnant.
Just talk to the woman.

If all the bridesmaids are turning up to try on dresses, just go along with it. remind whoever is there for the alterations that it shouldn't be done till closer for yours. But don't make a big deal or be loud about it.
Smile and ignore as much as possible.
Bowing out will cause her to have more to complain to your parents about. It sounds like she's been spinning a tale about you. Why else would they think you are jealous.

Does your sister live close enough for you to meet up with her?
It seems the point where it goes sour is when your parents are involved so if you can cut them out and communicate with your sister directly it may go better.
You say you've not heard from her but is it possible she's feeling the same as you've not contacted her and asked how wedding plans etc are going? Obviously your pregnancy is important to you and should be to your family but her wedding is important to her too and parents, especially mothers, can get a bit too invested in their daughters weddings.
Do you have a chat group with the other bridesmaids, could you casually try and find out if they knew about the dresses/tried them on/helped pick them etc

Considering you and your sister are not that close, she may have felt suffocated by your efforts to express enthusiasm about her wedding. Maybe you have been really OTT without realising?

I would be surprised to just be provided with a dress and not have even had discussions about it. However, given what you've said about your parents' attitude I would just go along with things and try the dress on. If it needs to be altered several times then so be it. Let your sister worry about it.

Don't do anything that will give your parents and sister anything to misunderstand. Go along with everything (within reason). Don't bother trying to convince them you aren't jealous or wish it was you getting married. They clearly aren't going to believe you.

Concentrate on just getting on with your life and looking after your MH, particularly as you've had PND and just treat the wedding as a day out without worrying about it.

Btw,I think your sister is being very bitchy in wanting hen night on your due date. If she doesn't want you to go she should just say so. I'm not surprised you are feeling hurt.

Also, if your family are as difficult as they sound then please do watch out for pnd again. Get as much support as possible from gp and hv. Get referred for psychological support and make the most of it. My family were so shit and unsupportive, the dysfunctional dynamic between us was the root cause of my pnd. My mother sent me a text listing all the times she had been helpful so it wasn't her fault I had it.

I know that's not what your post is about, it just sounds like your family is similar to mine. I wish you all the best for your new baby and hope you can get past this wedding in one piece

I wonder if, considering you're not close, she feels you overstepped the mark initially. She does sound unreasonable though.

Good grief. What a nightmare. I'd try the dress on if that's what they really want. They can pay for alterations now and then.

If I was in your position, I’d look up “medium chill” as a strategy to deal with them. Then focus on the things that bring you joy...which it doesn’t sound like is them and doesn’t sound, to me, like it should be either! It’s so hard to break the pattern of being the family’s people pleaser but with time and practice it is possible. “Medium chill” is an approach that allows you to do it without drama...it takes practice but it’s changed my life. There is no changing them but you can change your reactions so that they don’t fill your headspace and life when they’re not in front of you. That way your capacity is free to be filled with your life and your exciting & challenging things. Congratulations on your pregnancy...good luck with it all.

I would be really hurt by all this OP.

Seems like she doesn't think you're very close. As you can't go to the hen, you shouldn't have felt the need to pay for it or organise it. Take a big step back. Try the dress on after you have the baby.

Toxic parents using triangulation to manipulate their adult DCs very common scenario. Your DSis is probably the 'Golden Child' and you are the 'Scapegoat'...whichever way you need to distance yourself from your awful parents.

It will seriously affect your mental health if you do not stop their interference in your life.
Been there seen it all in my very dysfunctional family where NM was and still is a total nightmare and I went NC for my own sanity.

I would turn up to the dress-fitting, visibility pregnant and make a joke of it, 'How the hell am I supposed to fit into that? She should have ordered me a tent. Or have you all forgotten that I'm pregnant?'

You say you're not close, so beyond that, and her deliberately asking for her hen to be on your due date ([confsued]) sounds like she is the selfish one.

Not sure what else you can do but offer to step down from bridesmaid duties, say you can't make the hen do (as you with either be in labour or have a newborn) but that you would still like to attend the wedding as a guest and wish them well?

Tricky though. Hope it all goes OK.

Are they all truly stupid enough to think you would be trying to squeeze into a dress when heavily pregnant. This wedding is bringing out the dynamics played out between you, your sister and parents. Personally I would back off

I feel for you OP.

I would say, “yeah sure I’ll try on the dress the next time I’m over” and then just do it when it suits you.

I would henceforth reply to every single mention of the wedding with “oh fab- amazing”. And don’t engage.

You - scapegoat, Her - golden child. Your mumand dad sound awful.