Sisters wedding and weird behaviour from sister/parents

[Gingerninja01]

My sister got engaged last year, and I couldn't have been happier for her. I was the first to send her a congratulations card, and had a personalised wedding planner made for her to jot ideas down etc as she planned the wedding. I asked a few times if she wanted any company at wedding fairs etc and if I saw anything i thought she would like that matched the colours she had mentioned etc, I whatsapped it over to her. I got quite a cool response each time so I got the impression she maybe found it this annoying and so stopped - fine by me, its not like I'm a wedding enthusiast, i was just trying to be sisterly and show some enthusiasm. As well to add to the mix, I think I also felt a bit of pressure to be visibly enthusiastic as my parents are convinced I'm desperate to marry OH of 10yrs and must be secretly gutted its not me getting married (honestly not the case but this always falls on deaf ears).
Anyway my sisters planning her wedding, fine, asked me to be one of her bridesmaids,cool. When discussing her hen weekend, she asked for this to be arranged specifically for my due date (in a few weeks!) Her wedding isnt until April, but she insisted she needed to be "fresh for the wedding". Although I found this a bit "off" I obviously don't expect the hen do to be planned around me, and in all honesty there probably woudnt have been a great time for me to go anyway, as I'd have either been pregnant or have a newborn.
I dutifully went along to "planning meetings" with the other bridesmaids (2 of my sisters friends who i don't know) and helped plan her hen weekend, paid towards my sisters place etc
Meanwhile I realised I hadnt heard from my sister in ages. This isn't unusual as were not really that close I guess, but I would have thought she would have at least asked how the pregnancy is going, how DD is etc, but nothing. I then got a mesaage from my mum informing me my bridesmaid dress had arrived at her house and i need to try it on for alterations. I knew absolutely nothing about a bridesmaid dress, my sister hasn't even mentioned she had been to look at any. I obviously hadn't tried anything on either. I told my mum that I was surprised my sister hadn't mentioned anything to me about a dress, and queried if there's any point trying it on while I'm so pregnant as it will need several alterations presumably. This was taken by my parents to be a sign I'm so terribly jealous and am refusing to try my dress on. Infuriating, not the case!!!
I still haven't heard from my sister, other than she sent a Christmas card and £20 for DD to which I have sent a thankyou card.
Would other people feel hurt if they were me that their sister has not communicated anything about the wedding to me, and has literally not contacted me for months for no apparent reason. We haven't fallen out or had a cross word. I think this is my parents doing their bitching and my sister hangs on their every word.
I feel particularly hurt as my parents and sister know I had horrendous PND after having DD 2.5yrs ago, there was no support from them then and whereas I don't expect support from this time, i find it hard to swallow the way they are behaving this time around as well.
Am I being unfair to be completely sick of them?

This is all outrageous. I don’t know anyone who has just picked out and purchased bridesmaids’ dresses without a single word to the bridesmaids in question. And asking you to try it on while heavily pregnant is so clearly bonkers that I can only assume it’s a deliberate attempt to trap you into being supposedly unreasonable.

I would talk to your sister directly if you feel you are able, as your parents are clearly shit stirring like crazy. But from your post it sounds like you have tried really hard and you’re just damned no matter what you do. I’m really sorry OP.

No one is going to change so you've got 3 choices

1. Do exactly what you're told to do and smile
2. Say what you think eg dress won't fit and then be told you're difficult and get sniped at
3. Go no contact and drop out of the wedding altogether

Perhaps your family are trying to downplay your pregnancy so it doesn't overshadow your DSIS' wedding? Or it could just be that your parents offered to pass messages on to you regarding the dress and then forgot about it.

It sounds as though you're not that close with any of them and are looking for support that they're never going to give. Call your DSIS. Try on the dress (it will let them see how nonsensical that is if you're heavily pregnant now and will have had baby by the time of the wedding). You have a lot of animosity towards them. If you can't hide it then perhaps you do need to reconsider if you want to be involved in the wedding at all.

Oh and for the PP who says they've never heard of a bridesmaid dress being picked for a bridesmaid, it's quite common in my friends' and family circle especially if there's more than one bridesmaid. It's sometimes too difficult to co-ordinate everyone over different cities,countries, schedules.

Can I ask how you know that your parents are making out you're jealous of your sisters wedding? I mean have they actually said that to you? Also, how could she have ordered a dress for you without asking about sizes?

According to your post - you are unwaveringly patient, kind, relaxed and thoughtful.

So no - YANBU to be hurt in the scenario you outline
However I can’t help but suspect that the other side of the story would have a very different stance.

They sound awful.
What was your relationship like growing up with them as a family?
I wish you all the best with your new baby OP.
Focus on your own little unit.

@lisasimpsonssaxophone, my SIL chose my bridesmaid dress for me under the guidance of my mother (ie she chose them) Awful design, terrible colour. SIL also bought my shoes without me being there. I couldn't walk in them they were so high so she got me another pair, again I wasn't there.

Not sure the Op talking directly to her sister will make much difference. She's obviously enmeshed with the parents and is fully on board with the contempt towards the Op.

The 'I know this is an insane circus but I don't want to upset the inmates' method works well with narcissistic families.

"Smile and wave boys, smile and wave"

If you were thinking of backing off after the wedding why go through the expense and effort of bridesmaids duties and wedding attendance? If you can't do it with good grace and with the hope of a better relationship then it's a waste of time and hypocritical.

We all have different relationships with sisters, but I can't imagine trying to make suggestions to either of mine about their wedding - I really don't think they'd appreciate it. And your enthusiasm may inadvertently have come across as "I'd just love to be planning my own".

Hen weekend - potentially a problem any time from a few weeks before due date onwards, so unless she were willing to have it very early, it probably has to be planned on the assumption that you might not be there. It sounds like she's probably closer to the friends, but felt she should have you as a bridesmaid.

Dress - they might be able to check some aspects (length), but it does seem unlikely you're going to be able to put it on at this point! Are they at a distance from you? If so, perhaps they're hoping that you'll collect it and find someone local to you to make any alterations nearer the time?

Im old (!) and bridesmaids dresses always used to be chosen by the bride (and her mother) who also paid for them. So her chosing the dress doesnt seen unusual to me and I guess if she wanted them to match then they probably had to be bought together.

Howevwr I do think the OP needs to talk directly to her sister about the arrangements on the basis that messgages are getting garbled, either accidentally or deliberately

Did you announce your pregnancy after the wedding was arranged OP? Wouldn't be a problem for most people, but might it be for your family?

When I've been bridesmaid the bride chose the dress. In each case due to their being more than one bridesmaid with different figures, they had to cater to everyone.

OP just go to the fitting and talk to the dressmaker about your how pregnant you are. One of the bridesmaids at a wedding I was also a bridesmaid was pregnant. She just had to have another fitting two weeks before the wedding so the dressmaker could see how she carried her pregnancy and estimate how much room to leave.

This is an interesting, if sad thread. I'm no psychologist, but to me projection is leaping off these pages loud and clear. These relatives seem determined to cast you in a role as jealous sibling, no matter how much you try to tell or show them the opposite. (And I agree with a PP that you're wasting your time; the narrative is fixed and immovable).

At the same time, paradoxically, they seem so determined not to acknowledge your pregnancy that they're acknowledging it in everything they do. Hen party set for the due date; dress fittings arranged in advanced pregnancy as though it's not happening. Invalidation is, incidentally, a form of abuse. But it also leads me to wonder whether there are other dynamics at play here; things you might not even know. It may be nothing so serious as your DSis or fiance struggling with infertility, but there might certainly be a feeling that your becoming pregnant is a temerity which detracts attention from her main family event. Either way, it all sounds very unhealthy and hurtful. Has there always been a scapegoat/golden child dynamic between your parents, you and your DSis?

To the PP who posted about medium chill, thank you! This bears a strong resemblance to what I know as 'grey rock', which was a game-changer when dealing with certain relatives of DH's. Sadly, those circumstances eventually ended in complete NC, but there is a kind of peace which comes from the final acceptance that some situations are just not salvagable.

OP - I wish you the best for the new year and beyond, and I hope your new baby brings you peace and happiness.

Hang on, you're 8 months pregnant and they want you to try on the dress for a wedding 4 months away? That's....impractical!

I sometimes wonder why anyone bothers with families like this. Have you always been the one that gets blamed, misunderstood and is generally seen as a 'problem' OP? That is a horrible family dynamic, in which your sister is probably the 'golden child' and you the family scapegoat. If any of this rings true, there is no way that being reasonable and nice will ever get you anywhere - you will always be in the wrong, and your feelings not worth considering (as with not acknowledging your PND and pregnancy and due date). I know of what I speak here! If this is the situation, nothing will ever change however nice and reasonable you are. Really the only thing you can do is look after yourself well, which may mean going low contact or NC at some point. Trying to 'make it work' with your relatives is futile in this situation. If you change yourself, by being self-protective and not relying on them at all, then the dynamic might possibly change, but you would be best out of it. In many ways I hope I have misread your situation with your family, but there was something about it that felt horribly familiar to me. I had to leave my family behind and focus on myself rather than them, in order to survive. I was scapegoated and ostracized, but had to leave them in my own mind and focus on building my own strength and not being the victim they wanted me to be. The trick is to feel the anger and hurt initially, but not carry it permanently when you leave. It has got easier each year for me, and I am stronger and happier for not being the butt of my family members' negativity. If I have got your family wrong, I apologise. With your sister's wedding, I would just bow out gracefully saying it is because you will be about to give birth, and not get involved further.

Thanks for your replies. Sorry this is a bit drip - feedy, for further context background is this - difficult relationship with parents, they have historically been extremely overbearing (think constant rifling through my bedroom when I lived at home, looking for diaries they could read and then quote at me, guessing my email password when I was 22 and went travelling and on my return telling me with actual pride that they hadn't been worried about me while I was away as they has checked my emails on a daily basis so knew exactly what I was getting up to, it goes on and on. What I always found weird was they were so desperate for me to never have any secrets but when I had a miscarriage, they literally said "oh no" neither parent asked if I was ok afterwards, it was the last we ever spoke of it. Our relationship dramatically deteriorated when I was pregnant with DD. From the get go they were pretty outrageous - they expected to be waiting outside while I gave birth and when I suggested it would be better if I just gave them a call when I was ready for visitors, they threw their toys out of the pram and didn't speak to me for a few months.

When I gave birth to DD and invited them to the hospital my dad began referring to himself as "grandaddy", which I found all the more inappropriate considering he would only refer to me as "your mum" when talking to DD, it was like it stuck in the throat to call me mummy. Sorry petty detail. Anyway - every time I saw them, they would undemine whatever I was doing, question me constantly in front of DD, on very rare occasions that they looked after DD for me they would completely ignore any instructions I had given and then blow up at me if I challenged this. Each time my dad shouts me down and my mum says "I have a vivid imagination". There were a couple of times that my mum was actually quite dangerously careless with DD and I even got shouted down then when I said it was dangerous. I learnt years ago not to talk to them in terms of how I am feeling or my opinion but use actual factual things that have been said or done so they cant accuse me of making things up, but it makes no difference. They just cant hear anything negative abour their behaviour.
Things kept on getting worse and worse between us until I found it hard to spend time around them. The last time I saw them together we got into an argument and my dad stood shouting at me for over an hour in front of DD, speaking negatively about both me and OH right in front of her which I think is wrong.
Theres been a few texts back and forth but each one basically says they haven't done anything wrong and I'm upsetting them by not wanting to have too much contact.
On Christmas day my dad turned up at my house unannounced at 9am to drop off a Christmas card, we had said we would see them later in the week but still he needed to have control and turned up unannounced at a time when he must have known we would be unwrapping presents with DD. He thrust the card at me, came in, and because DD didnt run into his arms the way he presumably expected her to, he then abruptly left saying "nothings chnaged then".

Given your update please send a message to all of them saying sorry you need to decline the invite as you will be washing your hair...
They are bloody awful.

Holy hell given the update I'd cut off contact with the parents and go directly through your sister. Ignore them as much as possible, they are nuts.

Sounds like you are the family scapegoat OP. Is your sister the favoured golden child? What does your DP think of the way they treat you? If your DP is lovely and supportive of you and you already have a gorgeous DD and another DC on the way then it may be time to focus on your own little family and just leave your parents to stew in their own bitter juices.

Christ, OP that is one hell of an update .

They've been awful to you for years, which is one thing, but the fact that they continue to belittle you in front of your daughter would be the final straw for me.

One can't help but wonder whether your parents "suggested" to your sister that her hen should be around your due date.

Go NC with them - you will be at peace and your life will be so much happier.

Hi @Gingerninja01, I think you have confirmed that your parents are narcissists and beyond redemption with your latest post. I am so sorry. I can totally relate to the intrusiveness, entitlement and lack of boundaries you have experienced in your relationship with them. Also that phrase about you having 'a vivid imagination', one of my mother's favourite 'get out of jail cards'. Is there a handbook out there for narcissists?!?

I hope that you have been given validation on here about what you have been experiencing regarding the wedding and are able to consider the future you would like with your parents. There is help out there, counselling, websites, books, the Stately Homes thread. Good luck.

I think you need to take the 'closeup lens' off and use the 'wide angle'. You're focusing on the details that cause you irritation rather than focusing on the wider aspects of the relationship and the damage that it's done (and is doing) to you AND your DD (and OH).

What do you hope to gain by maintaining a relationship with these people? You really haven't mentioned anything positive that they do for you, emotionally or 'practically'. I can't imagine they actually add anything to your happiness, not really. A momentary 'flicker' of approval or a begrudging gift or compliment is NOT adding to your happiness. I'm talking about real long-lasting approval and support.

Good family is a solid brick wall that shelters you and that you can lean on whenever you need to. Bad family is a pile of broken bricks that get thrown at you. Which do you have?

AcrossthePond55
I love what you have written here - so wise and full of understanding.
Especially love the last sentence. A pile of broken bricks is not the unconditional love we would like from a family.