Sisters wedding and weird behaviour from sister/parents

[Gingerninja01]

My sister got engaged last year, and I couldn't have been happier for her. I was the first to send her a congratulations card, and had a personalised wedding planner made for her to jot ideas down etc as she planned the wedding. I asked a few times if she wanted any company at wedding fairs etc and if I saw anything i thought she would like that matched the colours she had mentioned etc, I whatsapped it over to her. I got quite a cool response each time so I got the impression she maybe found it this annoying and so stopped - fine by me, its not like I'm a wedding enthusiast, i was just trying to be sisterly and show some enthusiasm. As well to add to the mix, I think I also felt a bit of pressure to be visibly enthusiastic as my parents are convinced I'm desperate to marry OH of 10yrs and must be secretly gutted its not me getting married (honestly not the case but this always falls on deaf ears).
Anyway my sisters planning her wedding, fine, asked me to be one of her bridesmaids,cool. When discussing her hen weekend, she asked for this to be arranged specifically for my due date (in a few weeks!) Her wedding isnt until April, but she insisted she needed to be "fresh for the wedding". Although I found this a bit "off" I obviously don't expect the hen do to be planned around me, and in all honesty there probably woudnt have been a great time for me to go anyway, as I'd have either been pregnant or have a newborn.
I dutifully went along to "planning meetings" with the other bridesmaids (2 of my sisters friends who i don't know) and helped plan her hen weekend, paid towards my sisters place etc
Meanwhile I realised I hadnt heard from my sister in ages. This isn't unusual as were not really that close I guess, but I would have thought she would have at least asked how the pregnancy is going, how DD is etc, but nothing. I then got a mesaage from my mum informing me my bridesmaid dress had arrived at her house and i need to try it on for alterations. I knew absolutely nothing about a bridesmaid dress, my sister hasn't even mentioned she had been to look at any. I obviously hadn't tried anything on either. I told my mum that I was surprised my sister hadn't mentioned anything to me about a dress, and queried if there's any point trying it on while I'm so pregnant as it will need several alterations presumably. This was taken by my parents to be a sign I'm so terribly jealous and am refusing to try my dress on. Infuriating, not the case!!!
I still haven't heard from my sister, other than she sent a Christmas card and £20 for DD to which I have sent a thankyou card.
Would other people feel hurt if they were me that their sister has not communicated anything about the wedding to me, and has literally not contacted me for months for no apparent reason. We haven't fallen out or had a cross word. I think this is my parents doing their bitching and my sister hangs on their every word.
I feel particularly hurt as my parents and sister know I had horrendous PND after having DD 2.5yrs ago, there was no support from them then and whereas I don't expect support from this time, i find it hard to swallow the way they are behaving this time around as well.
Am I being unfair to be completely sick of them?

OP please tell them all to go away, being polite here. Love your dc and oh they are your world.

Christ OP, your parents sound dreadful. Please speak direct to your sister to find out if she's upset about anything/clear the air. But from what you say it looks like your parents have damaged your sibling relationship for years which is completely unforgivable.

Jesus OP, these people are awful.
What do they bring to your life, nothing positive.
Cut them off. I just wouldn't contact any of them again.
You do not need them in your life.

I'm wondering if your parents are very traditional and so not agree with your life choices. Ie 2 DC out of wedlock. Maybe your parents feel that you should be jealous and that getting married should be your goal because that's what they want? It's a load of bollox and you do you but it might explain how your mum cannot understand your lack of jealousy. So sorry you're going through this when it should be an exciting time for
You and your family.

OP have you ever had a conversation with your sister about your parents? DH and BIL sometimes swap notes on theirs, who aren't abusive at all but can be hard work and really love to cross-communicate and make arrangements via three people instead of one.

Is there any way you could say to your sister "Look, mum and dad are really stressing me out - can you let me know if you need me to do anything? Obvs I'm about to have the baby and given how I felt last time I might not be able to do anything much more at the time and just so they aren't misinterpreting anything from me, I am right behind you and wish you all the best..." that sort of thing?

Tell them you’re off on holiday on your sisters wedding date so will have to bow out of the bridesmaid role, and then absolutely go somewhere with your little family and have a fantastic time.

Ignore them all. And try going very low contact with them.

Any time I tried to talk to my mum about the PND I experienced after having DD, the conversation immediately turned to her and it became about patting her on the back telling her what she wanted to hear, basically about how good she is etc . There was never any concern for what I was going through, or what I wanted or needed, it was all about their sense of entitlement to the starring roles they felt they should have in DD's life.

I think theres alot of vanity and arrogance with my parents, if anyone doesn't agree with them or they perceive someone to have insulted them or embarassed them, that person is then demonised, literally years could go by and they would still refer to that person as an idiot, a prat etc, citing the example of "the time they said....".
I think thats basically what they do with me now, sit around the dining table telling my sister and her fiance how awful I've been to them, when all they've tried to be is good parents etc (cue my mum welling up and everyone rushing to reassure her that shes great, what a horrible piece of work gingerninja is etc) , and my sister (a year younger than me) hangs on their every word. I think thats another reason they get on so well, because my sister and her fiance still defer to them like children and involve them in every apsect of their lives (from the little I know I think my parents are heavily involved in the wedding planning) and treat them as the "big I am", whereas I stopped pandering to them years ago, probably hence the reason my dad in particular has pushed so hard to have some sort of authority in mine and DD's life.

I only had a maid of honour (a good friend) and I didn’t involve her in any of the things you mentioned, except the dress. It wasn’t her wedding, so I didn’t imagine she’d care about any of the details. I planned my own hen do (I needed to squeeze it between exams I was taking and it was just a party at my parents house anyway, so no point her doing the planning). I did go with her to buy the dress though because it was her dress and I didn’t really care what she chose but I wanted to at least help with the process. If you aren’t close though, it sounds like you just don’t talk much and that’s fine. It’s weird for everyone to make such a fuss about it all though.

After your rather relevant latest posts my suggestion is even more forcefully advised. You poor love. What shitty parents. The only thing I can say is many people don't understand PND. I send to work as a nanny and when I told my ex boss I had PND after the birth of my baby she said "you were fine with my child" and my FIL asked what I had to be depressed about when heavily pregnant with a subsequent child as my only caring relative was dying.

If, and only if, you want any relationship with your sister I would contact her directly. If not, I'd go full on no contact tbh.

I've worried about my children missing half a family but decided that no input is better than abusive input and tbh I'm such an awesome mum they haven't missed anything by me keeping my crap family away from them.

Don't do anything for the sake of your kids. They don't need this type of grandparents. Why should your parents get the joy of your children when they are abusive to you?

Walk away. Head held high.

We'll be your family .

There's just no winning with some people.

These are some of those people.

Thanks Hyacinth. I am lucky in that I've always had a 'brick wall' family. I have a friend with a 'broken bricks' family and have seen the damage they've done to her. She's just about ready to go NC with them and she's in her late 50s. I hope the OP doesn't wait that long. Life is too short to have that kind of negativity in your life for such a long time.

OP, think about getting counseling. A good counselor will help you sift through your family's dynamics and make the right decision for you and your DC.

Op I remember you from another thread - so did a search to find out which one

Thread after thread about your “letdown” husband who you wished you’d left Pre pregnancy, your “evil” MIL, the fact you always felt like the “ugly” sister.

I will probably get flamed, but would I be correct in thinking that you have a faulty feature relationship with most of your blood and other family?

Fuck me, of course your DD isn’t going to run at him after witnessing that. Next time as soon as he raises his voice leave, don’t even let her see that for 1min as you are teaching her that if people shout and abuse her she is to sit there and take it, as she’s learning that from you. Of course he did that on Christmas Day to take control. Sisters wedding aside of course you need to be low contact.

I cam on to say some members of my family have a perceived jealousy of mine for something else for a family member. I am not remotely jealous, haven’t displayed anything and the more I protest it the more it cements it in their minds I am.

Faulty feature should read fairly negative

@lovemenorca if you have been brought up in a narcissistic dysfunctional family system you are effectively trained to have non existent boundaries with other people, very low self esteem and incredibly low expectations of others. So it's hardly surprising if you experience negative relationships with others.

You are also a magnetic for certain types who exploit and wipe their feet on you. Lots of posters express surprise and sometimes annoyance at the treatment that is accepted by people looking for advice on here. But to someone from a dysfunctional family it seems totally 'normal'.

A big part of the reason I entered therapy when I'd reached the end of my tether with my family was because I couldn't believe I was surrounded by so many negative relationships. I doubted myself as it couldn't possibly be all those people that were being unkind to me, it must be me. It's only logical isn't it? There must be something wrong with me.

After a lot of therapy, guess what it wasn't me. I am now no contact with my family, divorced from my awful husband (clone of my mother) and don't bother with anymore that brings me down. So I am not surprised the Ops relationship aren't optimum.

You need to cut the lot of them out, why would you put up with this shit?

Just go along with it and smile. It's her problem if the dress doesn't fit. Not for you to worry about. However, they should still be able to do some fittings re other aspects (length, back etc). Remove yourself from any hen do planning or other tasks. Grin, smile and say very little.

I’m sorry OP. Your family sound awful.

I’d be saying fuck off I’m not going to be a bridesmaid and just go to the wedding. Do
The bare minimum. Easy for me to say I know.

Get yourself to the relationship board. The stately homes threads are really useful. They helped me

You have more than enough reason to go low or no contact op. Life is too short for this shit behaviour.

@Gingerninja01
Don't put yourself through anymore stress with these manipulative emotional vampires.
Stay well away from all of them or at least go "grey rock" and very low contact.
Your sister seems as though she enables their behaviour. Don't be drawn into their mind fuck games.

Unfortunately they do not have your best interests at heart whatsoever.
Best to stay away from the toxic threesome as you're just leaving yourself wide open to more emotional abuse.

Your family sound very challenging. You are the scapegoat. Have you read or listened to any therapy/psychology experts on narcissistic mothers and/or fathers? And being the scapegoat? There is quite a lot of stuff online on this topic. It might be relevant and helpful.
It’s sad but it doesn’t sound like there is a way you can fix this or help the relationship. You can only preserve yourself and your own children and partner. Reducing contact or going no contact seems like the only way you can stay sane in this dynamic.