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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To not expect to be body shamed over scars?! Is this a thing?

98 replies

IsAnybodyListening · 05/01/2020 20:41

I wish this wasn't bothering me, but it keeps popping into my head.

Not so much of a backstory, but over 10yrs ago I was in an accident. I spent almost a month in hospital and have 2 scars running from my ankle on the same leg. One about 7 inches, one about 10 inches. Admittedly, they do look very new and an angry red colour still.

A couple of months back, myself, dp and our teens were returning from a holiday and were waiting in the airport lounge. I noticed a women who was sitting down near to where I was standing repeatedly looking from her phone to my leg. It took a good minute to realise she was fixated on my leg/and or her phone-and didn't notice I had clocked her watching iyswim.

Anyway, I see her smirk/laugh-and she pocked the man she was travelling with and she said something to him. He immediately looks up at my leg briefly, and from my perception didn't look impressed with her. I saw her look pissed (just my interpretation of their facial expressions)...and then I am pretty sure she took a picture of my legs. Neither of them looked beyond my leg to my face, else they would have seen I had noticed.

This encounter keeps popping into my head for many reasons. For one, I am not particularly body conscious. I'm 37 and think I dress fairly well. I am clean and make an effort with my appearance. However, shy of cosmetic surgery-my scars are my scars.

I think it is bothering me as I am a pretty straight shooter in terms of confrontation. and I should have said something, but didn't. I told Dp on the plane and he was very nonchalant.

It never occurred to me to be embarrassed about having scars -and I'm not. But the realisation this was noteworthy to a bloody stranger has really irked me. I'll be honest, my leg doesn't look pretty. But WHY would someone ridicule a stranger like that? What is in it for her? And also...I am damn sure she took a picture and am so cross with myself for not challenging her :(

OP posts:
Thehop · 05/01/2020 20:43

She’s a dick. Please don’t let it worry you for any longer

canijustaskonemorething · 05/01/2020 20:45

Where were you?

YANBU at all

Ballstothisdotcom · 05/01/2020 20:45

She is a cunt. Scars are nothing to be ashamed of. And what kind of twat takes photos of someone else’s scars?! Jesus

Scarydinosaurs · 05/01/2020 20:46

I’m really hoping it’s a misunderstanding. You shouldn’t be ashamed.

plunkplunkfizz · 05/01/2020 20:47

I have what sound like very similar scars. Luckily no one has ever behaved that way around me (that I’m aware of). Don’t let her upset you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with how your leg looks. She’s an absolute tosser and won’t get very far in life with that attitude.

Chuffit · 05/01/2020 20:48

Don't take it to heart. I know it's easier said than done.
I have a large wide scar running down my face from just underneath my eye socket to below my cheekbone and I often have strangers either staring at it, asking about it and occasionally trying to touch it.
I just shrug and carry on with my day.

BettysLeftTentacle · 05/01/2020 20:49

YANBU.

I have a scar which has disfigured my hand. Generally people don’t notice but once they do, they won’t stop staring. I’ve walked out of nail bars before now as the nail technician won’t shut up about it.

People suck.

Crabonastick · 05/01/2020 20:50

Hey OP,

I’ve got a bigger and more prominent scar than yours that’s always out in the summer. I do think scars are eye catching and a lot of people double take when they see quite large ones (I certainly do!). It’s horrible when you notice someone actively pointing your scar out for other people to see.

The first time I ever noticed someone do it was last summer and I gave them both a little wave when they realised I was watching them watching me Grin

Try to put it to the back of your mind. You could have completely misread it’ll the chain of events- they may not have been looking at you at all, they may have a friend with similar scars and wonder if yours came about in similar circumstances, or they may just be arseholes!

You will never know. You can’t take back time and ask them. So there’s no point in worrying Flowers

Retroflex · 05/01/2020 20:50

You're not being unreasonable, and I'm sure you already know that most people don't behave like that woman, as even her travelling partner wasn't impressed with her behaviour.

I find that people will look for a cast or some outward visible disability or deformity when they see me in my wheelchair, or pushing my walking frame, but I just put it down to curiosity, nothing more sinister.

CakeAndGin · 05/01/2020 20:52

She’s a dick. Scars make people weirdly uncomfortable but it’s their issue, not yours.

If someone gives my scars a funny look (on my arm but still looks recent despite being 20 years old), I start to tell them the gruesome details of how I broke my arm Grin

lynzpynz · 05/01/2020 20:54

I have a large 10 inch scar in my groin from mid thigh to bottom of my tummy (bone tumour op on pelvis 7 yrs prior), and that's before I mention the first sized hole beneath it as I lost muscle, bone and soft tissue. Also have a cesarean scar (soon to be two cesarean scars!). People often stare when I go swimming at my thigh as its misshapen etc.

Don't be anxious or feel self-conscious, and try not to let others bring out those feelings in you, I know it can be hard Flowers. Scars are part of your story, they show how you got through something traumatic and came out fighting the other side!

If they're still red and raw looking several years later try some bio-oil, or keloid cream (ask doc). It does help fade the colour if you're diligent in applying!

Lllot5 · 05/01/2020 20:55

My granddaughter had heart surgery at a week old. A couple of months after my dd was in Asda with her it was a hot summer’s day and my granddaughter had a little romper suit / sun suit thingy on.
A fucking cunt of a woman told my dd that it was disgusting to have her scar on show( bearing in mind it was just poking out of the top of her outfit). And that she ought to keep her covered up or indoors.
If I had been there I would have punched her square in the face. Some people are just cunts.

isithotinhereorisitjustme · 05/01/2020 20:56

I have an 8 inch scar on my upper arm due to a bad break - people do stare but as it's closer to my face than your leg is obviously I can stare right back. She sounds utterly pathetic and from your description seems her companion felt that too.

Asterisktheknackered · 05/01/2020 20:58

Lllot I really wish you had been there!!!

captainswheel · 05/01/2020 20:58

One of my legs has a scar from my knee to my foot, I had so much tissue/muscle scraped away it has left me with a huge dint just below my knee. I also have 3 scars at the back of my leg and one of my foot, all them from 10 operations on the same leg!

I get them out in the summer or on holiday but at first I was really conscious of them! I was 18 when I got my first scars at 25 I've only just started to come to terms with them!

user1471453601 · 05/01/2020 20:58

I have a bloody big scar from the nape of my neck, going into "J" type of shape into the area where a bra might go under one arm.

I swim four or five times a week. People notice. I've seen them do a double take. I cannot tell you how few fucks I give.

As my DD says " those are your war scars, be proud you fought that war. You were lucky, you won that fight".

Our bodies sometimes tell some of the story of our lives. Stretch marks, scars from operations that saved our lives etc.

Some bloody idiot found your scars worthy of note? Well they do. They tell a story of you overcoming adversity

captainswheel · 05/01/2020 20:59

Oh and OP she was been a massive dick. I can't believe someone would actually do that!

BrokenWing · 05/01/2020 20:59

To be honest in that situation in a boring airport lounge, you might catch me looking at your scars, but mainly because I have a habit of staring at things that catch my eye 😳, would find them fascinating and would be idly wondering what was the story behind them (noisy too!). I would also probably think - good on her for being confident as I'm not sure I would be. (I am painting a great picture of myself here - a rude, nosy, but shy day dreamer!!)

I can't honestly think why anyone would laugh/take pictures of a random strangers scar. If it did happen and you didn't just misunderstand the situation then don't take it personally, she is the one with the problem.

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 05/01/2020 21:00

She’s a twat! Some people are just fucking horrible!

I have severe Psoriasis and was in the airport coming home from holiday in Spain and was wearing shorts, and had a man and a woman stood behind me in the passport queue commenting on my patches on my legs, how they look like leprosy, that I should cover up and, most disgustingly, the man turned to the woman and said that he didn’t know how DH could sleep with me if I was covered in “that scabby shit”!

Needless to say I gave him an absolute mouthful and DH (who is 6ft 6 and built like a brick shit house) very quietly told him that if he even so much as glanced in my direction again he’d be going back to the UK in a body bag.

Some people are just cunts OP, try not to dwell in it too much, they’re the ones with the problem, not you Flowers

Lllot5 · 05/01/2020 21:03

I’d wish I was there too @Asterisktheknackered
Been back at the same time same day but didn’t see her. Or maybe my dd didn’t point her out on purpose. Any way my dgd is nearly 8 and is doing really well so that’s all that matters.

Walnutwhipster · 05/01/2020 21:03

I am a size six and despite three children haven't a single stretch mark. What I do have it what looks like a 30cm zip right down my front and lots of smaller scars where central lines and other lines have been. They represent the four times I fought for my life and won. I don't care who sees them. If they have a problem it's theres alone, not mine.

MaggieAndHopey · 05/01/2020 21:04

Such weird behaviour from her that I can't help but hope it's a misunderstanding. Is there any chance she could have been looking past your leg at something else? I could understand if she just stared - I do get that people will stare at a scar - but to laugh and then take a picture whilst her husband looked annoyed? It's just... odd. Also as you say, neither of them looked at your face. In my experience, people having a shifty stare will usually check they haven't been clocked.

AutumnRose1 · 05/01/2020 21:09

She’s a really nasty piece of work

I also have scars on my legs and never ever show my legs. I did in the past and got a lot of “ooh, you’ve been in the wars”. So now even if it hits 40c I’ll have long trousers on.

I wish I could just shrug it off but I can’t. I also get people commenting on why I’m so covered up on hot days. Many People need to learn to STFU.

Crabonastick · 05/01/2020 21:10

@lynzpynz mine was from an osteosarcoma!

RB68 · 05/01/2020 21:13

Some people are just weird about this stuff I have four scars on each side of my ankles so up and down each leg all around 6 to 8 inches and also all doubles as pins and plates in and pins and plates out. At the time I was very self consious and went to great lengths not to have them on show. Now 30 yrs later I think wtf was I thinking - it really doesn't matter and this vision that eeryone is perfect is ridiculus and the more we have these things out in the open the better