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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To not expect to be body shamed over scars?! Is this a thing?

98 replies

IsAnybodyListening · 05/01/2020 20:41

I wish this wasn't bothering me, but it keeps popping into my head.

Not so much of a backstory, but over 10yrs ago I was in an accident. I spent almost a month in hospital and have 2 scars running from my ankle on the same leg. One about 7 inches, one about 10 inches. Admittedly, they do look very new and an angry red colour still.

A couple of months back, myself, dp and our teens were returning from a holiday and were waiting in the airport lounge. I noticed a women who was sitting down near to where I was standing repeatedly looking from her phone to my leg. It took a good minute to realise she was fixated on my leg/and or her phone-and didn't notice I had clocked her watching iyswim.

Anyway, I see her smirk/laugh-and she pocked the man she was travelling with and she said something to him. He immediately looks up at my leg briefly, and from my perception didn't look impressed with her. I saw her look pissed (just my interpretation of their facial expressions)...and then I am pretty sure she took a picture of my legs. Neither of them looked beyond my leg to my face, else they would have seen I had noticed.

This encounter keeps popping into my head for many reasons. For one, I am not particularly body conscious. I'm 37 and think I dress fairly well. I am clean and make an effort with my appearance. However, shy of cosmetic surgery-my scars are my scars.

I think it is bothering me as I am a pretty straight shooter in terms of confrontation. and I should have said something, but didn't. I told Dp on the plane and he was very nonchalant.

It never occurred to me to be embarrassed about having scars -and I'm not. But the realisation this was noteworthy to a bloody stranger has really irked me. I'll be honest, my leg doesn't look pretty. But WHY would someone ridicule a stranger like that? What is in it for her? And also...I am damn sure she took a picture and am so cross with myself for not challenging her :(

OP posts:
5zeds · 05/01/2020 21:13

Ds is disabled. Mostly people are lovely. Every so often we meet an arsehole who has to nudge and point. They are there. They aren’t the majority and they are not worth your time or upset. I’m sure your legs look like legs with a couple of scars. I’m absolutely sure they shouldn’t be hidden and you shouldn’t let this hurt you.

Brew
Ofalltheginjoints · 05/01/2020 21:18

Some people really are twats OP, I have larger scars then you on my leg and I hate them, partly because of some of the reactions that I’ve had from people.

I’ve had people tell me I should never have my leg out and it looks horrible So should always wear tights, been told that the scars ruin my looks (I’m not pretty but the scars are in my leg not my face!) and had people asking what happened as “they look
Nasty”
My scars are surgical and aren’t that bad but to me they are, I do now avoid having my leg uncovered if I can but life is too short sometimes, my DN is now 7 but he’s only know me with scars and he makes them feel normal to me, kids are generally much nicer then adults

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 05/01/2020 21:19

Totally different, but in my twenties I had terrible cystic acne, and I will never forget a man on a bus saying how disgusting and dirty I was, how I would never get a boyfriend, and calling me “Miss Pitty”. Everyone on the bus was staring, and to this day I don’t know why I didn’t just get off at the next stop. People can be cunts.

lynzpynz · 05/01/2020 21:20

@Crabonastick mine too!

Who needs an ischium bone anyway Wink?! Hope your surgery was successful and safely clear of it too!

MadCattery · 05/01/2020 21:21

I have a prominent white scar from open heart surgery, and now a pacemaker. I am only in my 50's and very fit and active, just a family history of bad hearts. I don't really care who sees the scar, but dress to cover it because I am SO TIRED of the constant conversations. People ask what happened, show me theirs, talk about their own, or their DH surgery, ask too many questions. These are people I encounter out in the world, not friends! I think the woman was downright rude and you shouldn't give it another thought.

avocadoze · 05/01/2020 21:23

When princess Eugenie got married she wore a dress which showed her scars from spinal surgery. Because they were part of her. www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/eugenie-royal-wedding-stunning-wedding-13405964

No one should be body shamed.

AutumnRose1 · 05/01/2020 21:26

MadCattery “ I don't really care who sees the scar, but dress to cover it because I am SO TIRED of the constant conversations”

Yes, I completely understand.

StrangeLookingParasite · 05/01/2020 21:31

I read these stories and just can't believe these people walk among us - not in the 'I don't believe you' sense, but the 'my god, how horrific are these twats' way.

The tiny baby after open-heart surgery, wouldn't your first thought be 'you poor darling, having to have surgery when you were so little'? Mine would.

Purpleartichoke · 05/01/2020 21:33

DH is afraid to take his shirt off at the pool because of his scars.

I have several non-contagious skin conditions. I frequently get people walking up to me to point out that I must be injured and not realize it. I think they can’t imagine not covering themselves head to toe if they had my skin so they assume it must be a new condition or injury.

Purpleartichoke · 05/01/2020 21:34

I cried when I saw Eugenie’s dress. She doesn’t know it, but it meant the world to me.

Jayaywhynot · 05/01/2020 21:34

They are your battle scars as you are a warrior, you survived your accident, be proud.
Some people are just vile Flowers

NearlyOutedMyself · 05/01/2020 21:34

What a pair of twunts. Please don't let it put you off wearing what you like, scars are nothing to be ashamed of.

Daftodil · 05/01/2020 21:35

That sounds horrible. Sorry you encountered that, and as pps have said, perhaps there was a misunderstanding? Could she have been taking a pic of your shoes or dress? Maybe that was why the husband looked pissed off, as in "oh no, you're not after another pair of shoes are you?" (You mention in your OP that you dress nicely- just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.... )

My mum has a very large scar she acquired from (life saving) surgery. If people she doesn't know start being nosey about it she tells them she was attacked by a shark! 🦈

Crabonastick · 05/01/2020 21:41

@lynzpynz ischium pischium! I mean, a femur is about as useful as an appendix 🤷🏻‍♀️

All good over here- apart from walking like a slow zombie! Hope you’re well too?!

CMOTDibbler · 05/01/2020 21:42

I have huge scars on one hand and arm - basically they are from my knuckles to above the elbow in various widths and shapes from the various surgeries. My FIL told my that they made him feel sick (nothing like support eh?).
Sometimes I just CBA with explaining, others people can look all they like. Even worse is the unwanted advice on my disability or scar management - this really gives me the rage

FruitcakeOfHate · 05/01/2020 21:44

They're twats.

LouLou789 · 05/01/2020 21:45

That’s dreadful, I empathise...you should have seen the looks I got when I wore a buff due to my bald head with cancer treatment a few years ago. I dealt with it by catching the person’s eye and smiling at them broadly, full face. Far more effective than confronting them, heh heh.

fifig87 · 05/01/2020 21:46

What a bitch, don't pay any heed to her. How sad must her life be to do that.
My oldest dc has an ear to ear scar from surgery, depending on his hair length you can't overly notice it. But when it's shorter than normal he gets bullied about it and people do ask how he got it.

Meltedicicle · 05/01/2020 21:50

People are dicks. A friend of my DF’s said he couldn’t bear looking at the paralympian on strictly who had an arm missing. I mean, wtf? Sorry you had to experience that. In fairness, I do understand the staring to some extent but taking pictures etc is completely out of order.

lynzpynz · 05/01/2020 21:53

@Crabonastick I can't ride horses/bikes etc. anymore (not that I ever did) as the muscles just ain't there anymore and sometimes leg decides it's not coming with me when it's tired but small price to pay tbf!

I hope you make appropriate slow zombie noises / gestures. When I'm dragging my tired out leg I like to growl undeadily at any rude starers Wink

Nothing like a serious illness to give you a black sense of humour 🖤😂

Original poster
IsAnybodyListening · 05/01/2020 21:54

Oh, wow. So many fellow scar people :) And some bloody sad antidotes. Who mocks a baby?! Ffs. Sick people. To those thinking it was a misunderstanding. It really was blatant contempt on her part. Very sad and shallow behaviour. It never occurred to me to be bothered about my scars in the same way it never occurred to me anyone would be bothered by them.

OP posts:
grannybiker · 05/01/2020 21:56

Each summer I swim in our local outdoor pool that operates an adult only swim club for a couple of hours before and after the hours it's open to the public. I've had a single mastectomy and wear a high cut, heavily patterned and ruched costume and it's only noticeable if you look hard. Some of the other adults who swim then know my story. Others appear not to have noticed,
Last summer I was wearing a different costume with a lower cut and swam later, closer to public opening. As I chatted to another swimmer before getting dressed, a teen lying with her friend nearby suddenly swiveled her head to stare at me and asked her friend loudly, "She's only got one what...?"
Yea, teen girls do stare at other bodies and she was being a typical careless teen, but it did make me clutch my towel to my chest and shuffle off to get my bra with prosthesis in back on PDQ.

Thelnebriati · 05/01/2020 22:00

Yanbu. I heal fast but unfortunately I get keloid scars. So when I survived a serious assault a while back I was left with a load of very noticeable scars. I resent having complete strangers ask me ''what I did to myself'.

grannybiker · 05/01/2020 22:01

@Loulou789 when I had my chemo created baldie bonce I had really positive experiences where complete strangers would wish me well.
There was only one time, trying on sunhats when a women passing told her friend, "OMG, that's horrible!" I replied that having cancer was pretty shit too.

Snowflakesgivewishes · 05/01/2020 22:01

I have many scars up and down both sides of one arm. One being quit large from not getting stitches when it needed them.

I cover them as much as possible because they were cause by self harm as a 16 year old trying to cope with depression and an alcoholic father.

It's hard in the summer because I get too hot, but even though they are clearly very old scars (I'm 36 now) I get strangers telling me how silly I am for doing that or tutted at. It takes me back to my 16 year old self feeling worthless.

I feel a bit of a fraud even commenting on here because you've all got scars for genuine reasons. People can be so judgemental over so many things with no care regarding the effect this may have on the person they are judging.