Parents sharing Facebook messenger

[duggeehug85]

My parents are very traditional, religious and patriarchal.

It was common knowledge that they shared a Facebook account even though it's in my mums name.

Today at dinner it became apparent that they both have Facebook messenger on their phone linked to this account. Basically for the past 5 years when I thought I've been talking to my mum I've actually been messaging them both. I'm really quite taken a back and upset by this for a number of reasons mainly that I should be able to communicate with either parent independently and also that my mum should be able to talk to family and friends without my dad following the conversations.

AIBU to bring this up and refuse to communicate on messenger till they have their own accounts? AIBU to think that my dad is actually being abusive by being to intrusive?

Unless there’s a massive history that you’re about to dripfeed, this certainly isn’t ‘abusive’.

Surely if you knew that they shared an account then they can both message/read messages via that account?

Can't you call your Mum if you want to speak to her separately? Does she have her own phone you could text her on?

Does she even want her own account?

You've said it was common knowledge that they shared a facebook account even though it was in your Mum's name.

I think that it's between your Mum and Dad how they manage their facebook accounts. Is there more to it that you think your father is abusive?

Do you have different ways in which you communicate with your parents separately - e.g. by phoning or texting or emailing them? Or visiting them separately?

Surely if they share a Facebook account they must share messenger- its the same account is it not?

It's all your dad's fault or a joint decision?

Presumably your mum can always use text or phone calls?

Can't you message your mum on WhatsApp or similar? I agree if your dad insist on this it's very intrusive. Like you say people might want to have personal conversations with one or the other.

I think calling it abusive would be unreasonable unless there’s more to this than in your post. Since they shared an account, it was a possibility he could see the messages but your mother should have made that clear if you were having any very personal conversations with her.

I think you should communicate with her in other ways as PP have mentioned - Whatsapp? If he would have an issue with her talking to you off Messenger that would be worrying.

I guess I didn't think about it enough. I thought they shared an account because my dad wasn't really interested but would use it on occasion when my mum showed him it. I didn't think they would both have the same Facebook messenger app downloaded on their phone with alerts etc!

Theres so many variables that need clarifying.
Is your dad known to be abusive? Is he controlling.
Did your mum just let him be on messenger because he couldnt be arsed having his own account.
My Dh dudnt bother with fb for years and just went through my account until it became clear he needed one for the activity here was in. He became secretary of our sons football club and all communication was done this way so he got his own account.
Does he read the messages?

Well, to be thinking your Dad is abusive on that basis is a bit off, isn't it? Unless there's more upon which to base your concern.

Is your real concern feeling that you've been sharing things with them both that you'd rather only have shared with your Mum? If so, that's kind of on you. They haven't hidden anything from you. You made assumptions that it turned out were incorrect.

Why would you jump to your dad being abusive?

If you knew they shared an account then really it can't shock you that they both have access to the messenger.

Personally I find shared accounts weird but I do have a few friends who do this. I wouldn't communicate via facebook messenger with them though.

Would he have an issue with you using another way such as text or phone call to talk with your DM independently of him?

I wouldn't like this either OP.. when I'm messaging someone.. I'm messaging THAT particular person... nobody else...

Given you knew about the shared FB account, you'd be unreasonable to think they wouldn't both also use the same messenger account but did you know your Dad had or used messenger at all?

I'd find it intrusive but not abusive if they used the same messenger but didn't make it clear to people who might contact either person that way.

As with others I find it odd when people share accounts, like they are not allowed to be a person in their own right. Do you think there is more to the joint FB account than meets the eye or is it just that one of your parents is less tech savvy than the other?

It certainly isn’t abusive unless there is more to the story? My mum & dad do the same, it can be a bit annoying.

Also, did you ever think it might be your mum being ‘abusive’ which might be why your dad doesn’t have his own account

I suppose on reflection I knew that my dad could access Facebook messenger through my mums but I had no idea he had the app downloaded on his phone too.

My dad is probably more tech savvy than my mum but is generally uncommunicative. I could count on one hand the number of times he's called me or text me directly since I left home about 20 years ago. Why have it on his phone if he doesn't communicate?

I've probably jumped to conclusions about him being abusive but they are both so patriarchal and my mum hangs on his every word. It's worrying she may not have an outlet that he's not privy to. They also share an email address!

If they are very traditional and patriarchal, neither of them may see it as odd that there is no private communication?

It’s definitely strange that they share everything OP, but I do know couples like this though - God knows why. It’s definitely odd to lurk on messages without reading them though so I understand why you’ve been rubbed the wrong way, but unless your Mum has said she doesn’t like sharing accounts with him and he doesn’t allow her to contact anyone without him seeing the messages then there probably isn’t any cause for concern.

Christ they sound like my inlaws.

Mine won't function independently of each other ever and it's so toxic.

Yes, they share all that stuff too

And likewise it is another generation, they’re not particularly tech savvy so it’s probably just easier for them. If they do everything together they won’t see this any differently

I think you are thinking too much into this. My Aunt & Uncle aren’t on social media but share an email address. It’s also pot luck with who answers either of their mobile phones, and they’ll usually put me on speaker so they can both talk to me.

YABVU

My parents (late 60s) share an email address and also the same mobile number.... it’s technically my mums but my dad
Doesn’t have one so sometimes he will text me. Their iPhone is linked to their MacBook and iPad (tech savvy!) so it’s a given that either would reply to my messages.

I wouldn’t ever expect my mum to keep anything secret from my dad and fully well know if I say something to one the other will know.
They’ve been together 45years and they aren’t in an abusive relationship!!!