Parents sharing Facebook messenger

[duggeehug85]

My parents are very traditional, religious and patriarchal.

It was common knowledge that they shared a Facebook account even though it's in my mums name.

Today at dinner it became apparent that they both have Facebook messenger on their phone linked to this account. Basically for the past 5 years when I thought I've been talking to my mum I've actually been messaging them both. I'm really quite taken a back and upset by this for a number of reasons mainly that I should be able to communicate with either parent independently and also that my mum should be able to talk to family and friends without my dad following the conversations.

AIBU to bring this up and refuse to communicate on messenger till they have their own accounts? AIBU to think that my dad is actually being abusive by being to intrusive?

My sister in law and her husband share an account. We know they do, but yes sometimes I just want to contact her without contacting him, particularly as he has a history of drinking too much and then sending long maudlin messages and getting annoyed when we choose not to engage. When it comes down to it it is up to them both I think. We think she is perfectly happy with the situation, she just isn't bothered about having a separate media account.

Loads of older people I know have shared Facebook accounts. It's just generational I think. Incidentally DH and I (who aren't really "older") have a shared email - it's the most fantastically useful thing for life admin. (We do also have separate ones but tbh neither of us uses them much.)

The more you write, the more obvious this is not about FB/messenger and more about your father's control of your mother under the guise of religion. She probably doesn't realise she is being controlled, and he may not even consciously realise he is doing it, as it is 'just' part of the set up of his belief system. The anxiety and need for a daily inane communication with you suggests to me that she knows there is something not quite right.

I think the phrase "It's a generational thing" should be banned.

My parents share everything, it's really sweet after 50 years in my opinion. Unless there's abuse or some other mitigating factor I cannot see the problem. My parents share email (they don't do social media) and tell each other everything unless I specifically tell one not to (eg told dad not to mention the motorbike because it will freak mum out, he'll hide it in the garage)

The only couples I know who share Facebook account and or emails have issues with control or cheating in the past. I really hate shared Facebook and email accounts. I’m not friends with your husband. I’m friends with you!!

I’m always a bit at shared accounts - I’ve seen it with all ages, one person must have trust issues - not something so would ever agree to.

I not so

I think it's really weird you assume your dads abusive because he shares her account and you assume that he almost forces her to follow his religion.

Presumably if he's that devout she was also practising the religion before they met?

How do you know it's not your mom that won't allow your dad to have his own account?

I agree with PP who said people who share accounts have trust issues IMO.
He could have been contacting other women inappropriately previously so she refuses to let him have his own account and allows him to use hers to keep up with people.

Your initial post would suggest you've said things to your mom you wouldn't want your dad to know. Is that the real issue?

I've not said anything specifically that i don't want my dad to know. Not that I can recall anyway. That's not really the issue though. Even though I knew he could access Facebook I thought I was talking to my mum! It's the messenger app on his phone that's got to me. What's the need if he doesn't use it other than to follow my mums conversations? He never takes the initiative to phone or message me ever so why should he be privy to the conversations no matter how mundane they may be?

My dad has never had his own social media so I very much doubt he has been contacting other woman! My mum is controlling in other ways.. think micro managing life however ultimately he is the head of the house and what he says goes unquestioned. It's bloody weird!

It sounds like they're both as bad as each other and fairly set in their ways.
It is weird but I don't think either of them are necessarily abusive based on what you've said.

I'm pretty sure my dad just replied from her WhatsApp!

So? This is between them; it’s nothing to do with you.

How is not being sure who I'm talking to nothing to do with me? Surely I should know who I am conversing with!

You are aware they both use the same social media platforms; that is their choice and their right. Nothing to do with you.

As you are aware, you have the right to decide not to converse with them in that way.

No point getting angry about it; you can’t change it and you shouldn’t try to control them under the random no evidence umbrella of abuse.

Just assume you are talking to both of them if you use social media. If you want to talk privately pick up a phone, text, speak in person. Social media isn't for everyone regardless of age. I don't use it. My husband has a Facebook account which we both occasionally use, and neither of us even has a smart phone. We're in our 40s.

What makes you think it was him? Could she have been cooking dinner and asked him to reply for her?

I think it's really quite a leap, and insulting, to suggest that because your Dad uses the same Messenger account as your Mum he is being abusive... particularly as you already knew they shared a Facebook account.

Surely I should know who I am conversing with

I understand what you mean OP, ignoring the abusive fear.. which you repeatedly explained.. I totally get what your saying... and in reality you have NEVER had a private conversation with your Mum.. despite all these years believing you had.. never knowing that it's not been your Mum that's been replying... that's so wrong...

Our emails used to go to the same account on the computer with mine having my first name and his his but in the inbox it wasnt obvious whose was whose. We now have individual gmail but I have friends who share an account. My dad puts the phone on speaker so I'm never sure how many people are listening when I chat to him. If I want stuff kept private I ask him to turn the speaker off, which usually results in me being cut off as he presses the wrong button.

We got around this a bit by my sister and I buying my mother a cell phone and paying for her plan. If he was home, he still listened to her conversations or interrupted her to get her off the phone, but sometimes she would call while she was out and we would get to have a real chat.

And my father with the shared accounts and the mystery of who was replying, absolutely was abusive.

I definitely suspect abuse in any couple where communication is monitored or restricted like this. It isn’t just generational. I was 18 when email first opened up to the public, though it wasn’t ubiquitous yet. An example, not everyone at my university was issued an email address, I was just in the right program to be one of the lucky few. That means my parents would have been 44, younger than I am now. They were perfectly capable of adapting to new technology and did. They had more than two decades working in a world where computers were a tool they used all day every day.