Parents sharing Facebook messenger

[duggeehug85]

My parents are very traditional, religious and patriarchal.

It was common knowledge that they shared a Facebook account even though it's in my mums name.

Today at dinner it became apparent that they both have Facebook messenger on their phone linked to this account. Basically for the past 5 years when I thought I've been talking to my mum I've actually been messaging them both. I'm really quite taken a back and upset by this for a number of reasons mainly that I should be able to communicate with either parent independently and also that my mum should be able to talk to family and friends without my dad following the conversations.

AIBU to bring this up and refuse to communicate on messenger till they have their own accounts? AIBU to think that my dad is actually being abusive by being to intrusive?

you know they share a facebook account, why wouldn't they share the messenger account?

My sister's like this. Doesn't have her own email address, just uses her husband's. This pretty much stopped me communicating with her in our 20s (no social media or smart phones even not so long ago).

Maybe your Mum got fed up with telling him everything and told him to download the app so she didn't have to constantly read out messages. It just sounds like two older people who kind of don't really have a clue how other people use and see these types of social media.

If it bothers you maybe have a chat with your mum, and use other methods of communication like text or WhatsApp. But let her know if you're not happy to have them shared freely with your dad.

My Husband and i share an email address, whatsapp account, ebay account, and mobile. When we go out i dont take my purse but he takes his wallet which to be honest normally has at least one of my bank cards in it. It is my choice to have one phone and just his wallet because everything ends up in my handbag and i am not carrying 2 phones, a purse and a wallet. Some couples ( especially us older ones) share everything

My parents are like this. Dm doesn't have an email address, and basically avoids using a computer/tablet at all, so if people want to email her, they have to use Df's email address. She can open up the tablet and read emails, but that's it.

My df is not being abusive. Actually, in a way, she is, because she refuses to bring herself up to date technically, thereby ensuring that df has to do all the booking of everything, and the ordering of everything, and the researching of everything while she just sits and moans about it!

If I want to talk to my mother, or my father, privately, then email is not method I use.... I telephone.

text her instead

You said it was common knowledge they shared a fb account? So therefore the messenger account is shared too. Just text or use WhatsApp.

I'm not sure if I'm missing something but surely it was obvious they both had access to messenger and therefore the messages if they have a shared facebook which they both access?

Love your username OP

I can understand why you are upset but also I thought a Facebook account would mean the same for the messenger app do I don’t think either of them tried to fool you

In general, I HATE the joined at the hip thing. When dad was dying, mum didn’t understand why we needed to have the odd chat without her. We didn’t send her out of the room, I just went earlier or stayed later than her and she was all “what are you talking about that I can’t hear”. FFS.

They did have separate emails though.

*shated Facebook account

*shared

I give up!

I suppose it seems like he has been eavesdropping on you. I wouldn’t like that, but I wouldn’t keep important stuff from my dc Dad.

Just because you have been messaging both, doesn’t mean he has been reading the messages.

I have friends with shared FB and it's in hos name and I never know who is commentating on my FB - her or him. And they travel separately too so when I see a post 'hey I'm in X' I ne er know which one it is! As for shared email - generally it's people who di not use it for more than group emails etc - nothing ever intimate.
Just text your mother direct or call her in future.

Ok. Would be Unnerved by this massively if I thought I was chatting to one person and the spouse was “ listening in” with out me realising I’d hate this. Couples that are joined at the hip so much that you can’t have a relationship with one without the other are unusual unless you like both equally and it’s hardly ever the case ( unless you are the daughter
You have no right to insist on how they communicate leave them to it
Tell them you didn’t know and and you will contact them going forward by text
...If you suspect abuse totally different approach...

I get why you'd be uncomfortable, OP - my mother often answers the phone to me on speakerphone when she's with her friends and doesn't tell me, so I start talking thinking it's just the two of us, until she tells me someone else can hear me too (I've learnt to ask now).

Unless there's a backstory, I don't think it's necessarily him keeping tabs on her though - lots of older people see email, fb, etc more like a housephone to share than a personal and private means of communication.

I knew they didn't have separate fb accounts but perhaps I wrongly thought it was my dad that didn't want one. Its my dad having the Facebook messenger app on his phone as my mum with alerts that his irked me. Today at the dinner table both their phones made a noise at the same time, my dad then proceeds to tell my mum that her friend is messaging about work tomorrow.

I could just use WhatsApp or phone. They are always together though.

I would never use any messaging service with people who share an account. Just as if I call someone I'd be livid if they put me on speaker without telling me.

What's happened to privacy? Seriously?

My parents are like this so you have my sympathies OP. Everything I tell my mum, or what she has the nosiness to find out goes back to my dad.

Mine are not abusive to each other, they just don't do private. It's exceptionally frustrating.They also have a hierarchy. God, church, spouse, siblings, children and grandchildren. I think this makes it that they share everything you tell them in confidence.

Just remember for next time, don't tell her anything you don't want either of them to know.

Also how old is an older couple? They are mid fifties. 🤷‍♀️

My parents have a joint FB account and messenger in my Dads name, Mum tried but couldn't get her head round it so Mum tells him what to say and Dad presses the buttons. He defers to her in everything.

They technically have a mobile each but they are very rarely apart and take one or the other, they don't care which, when they go out.

It is sometimes annoying I can't speak to them individually but it's not abusive, they're just completely open with each other and share everything.

It works for them anyway, it's their 60th wedding anniversary this year.

@KevinsCarter - yes that's my parents to a T. They value god more than anything.. then the church then their relationship. I actually think think their relationship is better conditional on my mum continuing to believe in this religion and not ask questions. That's why I worry that she may not have an outlet away from my dad.

*entirely conditional

OP I don’t think it’s age related

Some couples think the whole point is to become the same person.

I kind of get what you mean. It's horrible to realise you've been talking to one person when you were convinced you were talking to another. They should have told you who it was each time.