Parents sharing Facebook messenger

[duggeehug85]

My parents are very traditional, religious and patriarchal.

It was common knowledge that they shared a Facebook account even though it's in my mums name.

Today at dinner it became apparent that they both have Facebook messenger on their phone linked to this account. Basically for the past 5 years when I thought I've been talking to my mum I've actually been messaging them both. I'm really quite taken a back and upset by this for a number of reasons mainly that I should be able to communicate with either parent independently and also that my mum should be able to talk to family and friends without my dad following the conversations.

AIBU to bring this up and refuse to communicate on messenger till they have their own accounts? AIBU to think that my dad is actually being abusive by being to intrusive?

@56duggeehug85 In that case I'd tread carefully. All religions can be cultlike and no amount of arguing will make someone in the middle of a cult see anything rationally. (Mine have just refused to come on holiday with us because of a church event that might be happening then because the church may need them to help 'cut out papers'. They are late 60s and may not have many fit years left with their little granddaughter.)
Be there for your mum. Keep messaging her, but have it in the back of your mind that you are not sure who is the organ grinder and who is the monkey.

My parents did this too. They shared Facebook and Email and for many years a cell phone. I never knew who was contacting me because they wouldn’t even bother to sign their messages. I had a strained relationship with my father so it definitely turned me off chatting with my mom. She died last year and I’m still angry about the fact that I couldn’t communicate with her freely.

This throws up a generational difference. I wouldn’t be annoyed about it. I’d be more “ah! Of course!”. Until relatively recently communications were to a communal device: the landline. Then along come mobile phones and they too, initially were shared. I am 50 and my husband and I shared a mobile for the first few years. Only recently have devices been an extension of oneself and a very personal thing.

wurly I’ve got friends in their 50s who’d be horrified by this. I don’t think it’s generational at all.

@wurlycurly

Agree with @AutumnRose1 it's nothing to do with a 'generational difference.' I am in my mid 50s, and married 32 years, and have had the internet for 20 years. Me and my DH have never EVER shared an email or a facebook or an Instagram account or a mobile phone etc....... The only things we share are netflix and amazon prime!

We are married, but are autonomous and independent people with different minds and different personalities and different hobbies and different friends.

It's nothing to do with what generation you're from.

Just "text"
You dont have to message on facebook

Can you talk to her on the phone instead?

There are other ways to communicate directly with her only, like anything other than fb

I could talk to her on the phone but my dad is always there and it can just be easier to use messenger. I often find that if I call she wants to have a pointless banal conversation. Using messenger stopped this and eased my mums anxiety about having to talk to me every day

As I said, in spite of my moan about when dad was dying, even my parents never shared a mobile phone or email address.

Well, we had a family phone when I was a teen but in those days that was just for emergencies in the car, not general chat.

OP do your parents’ friends know they are talking to both of them when they message?

X post “ I often find that if I call she wants to have a pointless banal conversation. Using messenger stopped this and eased my mums anxiety about having to talk to me every day”

I feel your pain. Long description of what happened in the Post Office type stuff?

Sorry, I didn’t mean people who are now in their 50s share! I am now in my 50s and don’t share! But when mobile phones were new me and my husband DID share a phone... phones were much more communal then. This is in the dying years of the last millennium.

Fair enough @wurlycurly

&
@AutumnRose1 - yes post office type stuff or trying to fein a relationship that doesn't exist. It's difficult to explain. It's all very superficial and void of any genuine emotional experience. She is very needy and clawing. I sound like a total bitch but she refuses to discuss anything of importance since I left her religion. It's the elephant in the room!

@AutumnRose1 - their friends of the same faith I suspect have the same set up. I don't think others would. They won't have a relationship with my dad.

Do you want a relationship with your parents OP?

I would manage it carefully. Sadly you have many years of this, quite likely.

@AutumnRose1 - I'm an ideal world I would however I think my mum needs mental health input and I don't even know where to start with my dad!

This has turned into the biggest drip feed post ever. Apologies!

OP you have my sympathy

I’ve always been annoyed at how emotionally needy my parents are/were but I suspect that’s the case with a lot of parents.

If I could turn back time, I would keep my distance. Certainly have a relationship but not the full on one I ended up having.

My dad is the same, there is nothing remotely abusive about it. If your mum wants privacy she could just change the password.

@Ameliablue - I doubt it would be as simple as that. I'm sure he would ask for the new password and she would feel she had to give it.

Neither will view it as abusive however on the backdrop of a high needs (I'd say cult) I do find it very uncomfortable.

YABU. They haven’t hidden this, and you knew they shared an account. It’s just common sense they share messenger too.

I'm in my mid 60s, I don't share any accounts and none of my friends do either.

The only people I know who share an account are in their mid 80s and also very religious and traditional. So I'll say it's less generational as such, and more about outdated gender/relationship attitudes.

I don't share an email or Facebook account but mine is on the iPad so is easily accessible. I don't think much of it to be honest. If I want a private message I call or text.

My grandparents (in their mid-eighties) don’t have Facebook, but they do share a phone and thus a WhatsApp account. They also share an email account.

They aren’t at all religious, and there’s certainly no gender/other power imbalance or abuse in their relationship.

It’s just that they find technology so baffling that one account is really quite enough for them. I don’t that they’d ever be able to manage two phones/WhatsApp accounts/email account - they struggle enough with one as it is.