AIBU to feel totally overwhelmed by my dad's offer to buy me a flat?

[Lizzie523]

Hi everyone, I'm 28 and come from quite a modest family but my dad recently came into a huge inheritance from my grandad. He has now offered to buy me a flat with this money so that I can enjoy it earlier in life.

6 months ago I came back from living abroad for 3 years and it has been a difficult transition - I am planning to spend the next year or 2 figuring out if I can be happy here or if being abroad is going to be my long term place. I now have a good job with a decent salary and am moving into my own flat that I will be renting in 2 weeks I feel I am rebuilding my life little by little which is good. I was very depressed last year and feel a fog has lifted.

But now my mum is putting pressure on me to look into buying a flat this year. We had a bit of an argument and I said I am not ready for the responsibility nor do I know where I will be living in 1 or 2 years as that is what I am figuring out. She sneakily said oh yes and when will you figure that out then. She said I dont understand you this is an amazing offer etc

It is a very generous offer and I may be able to make some decisions on it next year or the next, but I cannot deal with it right enough. Am I crazy? How do I handle this?

You are totally within your rights to take some time over this!
Why not say you'd just like to start renting this year, see how you like the area, then start looking at flats in 6 months' time? A nice compromise. Or if 6 months sounds too soon, just agree to "later this year" - you never know, you might get your head around it sooner than you think, especially if your job goes well and you like the area etc
But don't feel that it is a forever home - this is just a first property to get you on the ladder. If it goes wrong, you can always sell again. Try to find up-and-coming areas, so you can upsize as and when you're ready.

To all those saying ‘just rent it out!’ it really isn’t that simple. As a first time buyer you’re very unlikely to get a BTL mortgage, unless your parents names are on it too, and then it comes with conditions.

If OP is buying the flat outright with her inheritance - it’s irrelevant as she doesn’t need a mortgage.

(It’s not actually true that you’re ‘unlikely’ to get one - the lenders are just more careful - higher deposit, more research into you).

If she can afford a flat in London she won’t have a problem renting it out if it’s near transport links, decent schools and shops (same for most affluent uni towns in the SE).

If she absolutely refuses to buy, the second best thing would be to hand the amount to an investment service (like Brewin and Dolphin, Hargreaves Lansdown) to invest, so she can reap the income.

I really wouldn’t take advice from someone who was too ‘terrified’ to get on the property ladder before they were 30.

You are crazy and should be commited if you're too crazy to take up this wonderful offer from your loving parents. Who quite naturally would love to have you around. Parents are not here forever. (Mine are both late and I'm only in 40s.)

You selfish self absorption is off the chart.
Will your millenial acquintances overseas congratulate you on this? I bet in their hearts they'll think your mad. Or poss they'd be ok with it !!! only to return home in their 30s to their trust fund, properties and handed on a plate high powered career.

As a first time buyer you’re very unlikely to get a BTL mortgage, unless your parents names are on it too, and then it comes with conditions.
Not relevant to someone buying a property outright.

Gosh OP there are a number of variables here, i think it would be best to stop viewing it as an emotional decision and focus on it transactionally. Before anything else you need to find out the terms of this offer, will you be the outright owner, is it money towards a mortgage or cash buying of a property etc.

There are a number of restrictions on gifting of monies for a mortgage or property in your name when the money originates in someone elses bank account. Your DF will need to go through a solicitor and provide his financial info and letters of trust declaring the money/deeds are a true gift, not a loan, and he will not seek an interest in them in the future. Itwill not proceed without this so he needs to be comfortable with that. A conveyancing solicitor will require a great deal of evidence to support the gift, bank statements, evidence of the trail of the money used, how he got the inheritance etc. Money laundering regs are very tight now.

I think before you stress out about travel you need to confirm with him his exact intentions or even visit a solicitor to run over how it would work for you and receive legal advice. You will be obligated to do so anyway, if you are receiving it and on a mortgage.

If it is a property in his name you can live in you can have a deed of trust drawn up to protect your right to live in it. Find out WHAT the opportunity is here before you stress over it and go from there. If you owned outright and were solely on deeds, you can do what you want with it and your parent's opinion is neither here nor there! Far too large of an opportunity to squander IMO, when you are better placed to sensibly work out HOW it could be made to work rather than being avoidant because its challenging. ( and i say this as an anxious person)

On another thread today are people who bought at 20 who are mortgage free by 45. That gives you such freedom. Even in meantime, while paying mortgage.

Go for it, buy one in an area you like at the moment, but you can always rent it out if you decide to travel again or even move. I'd take the money whilst it's offered. But I would make dead sure it'll be in your name and not just in your dads name and you live rent free. You need to make sure wherever possible that the flat will be yours to Dow with as you wish. Nothing worse than gifts with strings attached

I have anxiety and depression and was in the situation before of moving from somewhere dreadful and unsuitable to somewhere much much better and I still got incredibly anxious about it all and ended up having a really stressful move, because even though it was making things better it was still a lot to deal with all at once.

If it's going to be 100% yours then you'd be daft to turn this down. And a bit ungrateful really. If that is the case you just need to warn your parents that at some point in the future you might decide to go abroad again and rent or sell it. But if this is truly intended to give you a big boost to own property they'll be fine with that.

I think you're over-thinking this, OP. It's a flat, not a life-changing commitment to something.

Think of it as an asset, like a savings account. Talk it through with your parents, find out how much money they're willing to spend and where you can buy a flat outright for that sum with plenty of rental opportunities. If you don't want to live in it, rent it out right away.

Buying and renting out property are common transactions and all the necessary information is easily available. Your parents won't want to waste their money so they'll help you with everything. It'll be fine!

So what, for some people buying a property isn’t about money. It’s about having a home. I didn’t want to buy until I was sure I’d want to be somewhere long term, because I don’t want to contribute to the housing crisis by becoming a landlord. Sure, that won’t change anything in the grand scheme of things. But I fundamentally don’t believe in homes being a profit making exercise. It was far more important to me to live my life the way I wanted, experiment, move around, before thinking about making such a massive commitment. Sounds like the OP is of a similar mindset. There’s nothing wrong with approaching life differently and having different priorities to purely financial ones

OMG are you mad? Take the offer, buy a property, you can always let it via a letting agency if you dont want to live there afterwards.

An opportunity others can only dream of, please dont squander it.

There will be people your age who would love an offer like this. People who don’t think they will ever be able to get on the property ladder.

If this is a no strings attached offer of enough cash to buy a property outright, I really would take it. None of the restrictions on buy to let etc will apply, because there won’t be a mortgage. You won’t be tied to this country because you can let it out and have it managed by an agent, or your parents.

When you decide where your life is longer term, you will either have a home to come back to, or the money from a sale which will fund another purchase, or whatever you want.

It’s long term security and you don’t need to be tied to it here.

@dodgeballchamp Stop turning this into something about you. Some of us are trying to point out that buying a property, whether it's your own home or as a rental, isn't the huge deal she thinks it is. Thousands of people do it every year, it isn't as hard as she thinks, as long as they get legal advice and a good estate agent.

I say this as someone who's bought a house and stayed in it. Nothing to do with contributing to the housing crisis...although if no one was willing to become a landlord, where would people who'd like to rent for a few years (as the OP was planning to do) live? In non-existent social housing?

I don’t want to contribute to the housing crisis by becoming a landlord

Please explain how the OP buying a flat and renting it out for someone like her to live in would contribute to the housing crisis?

Foreign investors buying up property and leaving it empty, people buying second homes and leaving them empty 48 weeks of the year, I can see how that contributes to a crisis.

But not letting her flat out while she lived in another.

Handle what ? Being mortgage free or rent free ? Bloody hell your life must be all that if you couldnt handle having a flat you owned outright

It was far more important to me to live my life the way I wanted, experiment, move around, before thinking about making such a massive commitment. Sounds like the OP is of a similar mindset. There’s nothing wrong with approaching life differently and having different priorities to purely financial ones

Is it such a ‘massive commitment’? It’s just a house. You’re not getting ordained.

It’s fine to be unsavvy about money as long as you’re well and can work to keep a roof over your head. If anything happens to your health, or when you’re old! that’s the point at which people regret lack of financial planning when they were young. Being ill or old without much in the way of equity is tough.

Having recently rented and owned, I felt far more restricted and trapped by the rental by a long shot.....the managing agent wanting to drop in at little notice for ‘inspections’, service visits for the boiler and burglar alarms all stacked up into the tenancy period, deposit return stress etc etc...I hated it! I felt so much freer once I was in my own home, doing what I want when I want.
I realise that depression is the thief of decision, but I don’t see this as the big deal that you do, it’s just a flat OP. You can do what you want or choose with it. I think you have other issues with your family and parents relating to control and feeling controlled. I would try and seek therapy or CBT to talk this through.

@dodgeballchamp

did you rent while you were saving up to buy? Can you see how that would not be possible if there were no landlords? The impact of buy to let on the housing market is more complicated than that....it is not - in itself - a problem.

I'm unclear OP if he's buying it outright for you or essentially giving you a deposit.

I am not quite sure why(!) but I can imagine feeling very stressed about this in your situation - like you're getting control back after things feeling outside your control last year and now they want to change your plans, somehow removing that sense of control you have gained. I'm not sure if that's the issue. It's just what I think I'd be feeling (and having people tell me I'm not being rational too, which is fair, because from the outside it's not rational).

Here's the thing though, just because you agree to go ahead, doesn't mean you'll find something immediately anyway. Looking will be stressful. The whole idea isn't your plan. However, as others have said, this ultimately isn't about the bricks and mortar as much as it's about giving you a security you can't actually imagine right now.

A friend of mine has a small flat. She left to go a live abroad and gave adventures. She left indefinitely but rented her flat out. Her mortgage was being paid and the property retained its value. When she decided it was time to come home (elderly parents), she gave the tenants notice and had somewhere to come back to.

I've another friend who never owned a place and she went away for a couple of years. When she returned it was a bit of a stress (understatement) finding a job in order to rent a place.

I can absolutely imagine this being panicky about this situation right now, and probably your DM isn't helping by pressuring you (which is probably just because she doesn't understand why you'd not be over the moon), however, take a bit of time out and mull it over.

What's the worst thing that could happen?
How could you avoid that?
Is there a way this could feel good for you - what exactly is the problem and can you get around that?
Do you need to write a kind of brainstorming list of the problems and look to see how/if they can be solved?

Just make sure if you go ahead that it's actually in your name solely and that in any future relationship you retain 100% ownership.

Dont get a flat. Get a house in a cheaper area. Flats come with service fees, ground rent and lease hold normally.

AmICrazy literally nobody on this thread is empathising with the OP. She’s been called a whining snowflake, to give her head a wobble etc. I understand why she feels as she does and I’m offering her an alternative viewpoint because I recognise a lot of my own experiences in what she’s said. How am I turning it into something about me any more than the people saying ‘oh if this was me I’d bite their hand off!’ At the end of the day it’s the OP’s choice but I don’t think she’s silly or pathetic for feeling the way she does.

I would say no for the time being with a view to reconsider in x months/years.

My parents wanted to do the same. I refused and really pleased I did.