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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel totally overwhelmed by my dad's offer to buy me a flat?

122 replies

Lizzie523 · 05/01/2020 17:22

Hi everyone, I'm 28 and come from quite a modest family but my dad recently came into a huge inheritance from my grandad. He has now offered to buy me a flat with this money so that I can enjoy it earlier in life.

6 months ago I came back from living abroad for 3 years and it has been a difficult transition - I am planning to spend the next year or 2 figuring out if I can be happy here or if being abroad is going to be my long term place. I now have a good job with a decent salary and am moving into my own flat that I will be renting in 2 weeks I feel I am rebuilding my life little by little which is good. I was very depressed last year and feel a fog has lifted.

But now my mum is putting pressure on me to look into buying a flat this year. We had a bit of an argument and I said I am not ready for the responsibility nor do I know where I will be living in 1 or 2 years as that is what I am figuring out. She sneakily said oh yes and when will you figure that out then. She said I dont understand you this is an amazing offer etc

It is a very generous offer and I may be able to make some decisions on it next year or the next, but I cannot deal with it right enough. Am I crazy? How do I handle this?

OP posts:

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/01/2020 18:11

Honestly you sound like a snowflake. Just get the bloody flat in your name, get yourself on the property ladder, and then live life how you want to. If you want to go abroad for a bit then you can always rent it out.

Thesuzle · 05/01/2020 18:12

If they are not attaching any strings, that it will be in your name, and they are giving with “warm Hands” the best way of giving inheritance
Then accept and be grateful

BlouseAndSkirt · 05/01/2020 18:14

If they are giving you money to buy a flat, what is the downside? It is security, and an income if rented out, if you do end up going abroad

Do you think they are doing this to encourage you to stay?

Or purely because it is the best way to use a substantial sum of money?

They are being really sensible. The money will not do anything except lose value if your Dad keeps it, and when he eventually passes it to you, a massive chunk could be deducted for inheritance tax. No doubt one lot of inheritance tax was already taken off your granddad’s money when it passed to your Dad.

I disagree that it is stressful buying when you have the money, and are already renting. You are a first time buyer with cash to put down, no pressure.

Buy somewhere that would be easy to rent out, easy to decorate and maintain and with no high service charges or ground rent.

It would be better for your Dad to give you the money to buy it rather than him buy and then give to you.

BlouseAndSkirt · 05/01/2020 18:16

What’s the big consideration?

Just buy the flat and rent it out straight away thru the agents you buy with if you can’t consider moving.

Why do you see it as complicated or a big consideration?

BigFatLiar · 05/01/2020 18:18

Go for it. May be worth checking on any tax implications of his gift.

GreenTulips · 05/01/2020 18:21

I think you need to remove the flat buying from the ‘staying put’

You won’t pay rent so can save, just put a small sum aside for repairs and ground rent, when you want to move on you can rent it out or sell if you decide to move permanently.

You have no idea what the next couple of years may bring but this gift gives you a lot more choices.

Herpesfreesince03 · 05/01/2020 18:22

Why are you waiting for him to potentially change his mind? You’re humming and hawing and acting ungrateful over an offer most people can only dream of! Just buy a flat. It’s not like you have to live in it forever. You can sell and relocate at any time, or rent it out and have a steady income for life. Stop faffing before he retracts his offer

FredaFrogspawn · 05/01/2020 18:25

Most parents would adore to be able to do that for their dear adult children and most young people would be weeping with gratitude at such an offer.

Something else is going on here...

Spitsandspots · 05/01/2020 18:25

If the pressures too much then it’s too much. Yes everyone else would love to be bought property but they aren’t in your head dealing with your thoughts and feelings ....BUT, as

I said i was concerned this would be their way of keeping me around and my mum said that isnt the case, if you go abroad again a letting agent can look after it etc

With them not adverse to you letting it out, it doesn’t sound like you have anything to lose. The rent could fund your travels.

raspberryk · 05/01/2020 18:25

I'd have bitten his arm off at this offer, are you crazy????

Dominoz · 05/01/2020 18:28

100% take it. If you decide to move somewhere else in time, you can rent it out, definitely do it.

catlady3 · 05/01/2020 18:29

Could you frame the conversation with them slightly differently? Say you're grateful and it's an incredibly generous offer, and you want to deal with it responsibly. I don't think buying any old flat just because you can is responsible, and it's not particularly respectful towards your dad. So maybe share again that you're overwhelmed and ask them to help you so you can accept the offer but in the right way. Iyswim.

MrsExpo · 05/01/2020 18:30

If they buy a flat for you in your name, you don't actually have to live in it if you're more comfortable renting at the moment. Buy the place and rent it out as extra income, then if you do move back out of the country, you can continue with that arrangement. To own a place mortgage free is a huge benefit.

KTheGrey · 05/01/2020 18:30

You should seriously be looking at some counselling, because having hang ups about turning down an opportunity to set you up for life seems purely self-sabotaging. Try and find out why you can't graciously accept a gift that could literally change your life.

SmellMySmellbow · 05/01/2020 18:30

Yeah you need to have a word with yourself. You can buy a flat (without huge consideration) then rent it out and go abroad while it brings you a nice income each month to travel with. I can see why your mum is exasperated at the thought of you spending dead money on rent for the next year or two when you could be saving all that cash for something else.

HerRoyalNotness · 05/01/2020 18:32

If it feels overwhelming ask your dad to help you through the process. Decide on an area and start looking.

Money you’d normally use on rent you can put it straight into a savings account for your future, for emigrating, moving to a family home, anything really!

Rachie1973 · 05/01/2020 18:33

Give your head a wobble love! You’re being offered a no strings attached gift that most people would give their right arm for.

PhilipJennings · 05/01/2020 18:37

OP listen, you can accept the offer but not for now. There's no harm in doing that, and it's best to really take your time before investing in a property to get to know the area that suits you best and how you will want to use it. For example, there are some areas more popular with renters and some you might prefer if you wanted to stay in it yourself longer term.

Tell them you'll take it, but you need some time to settle in first and get to know the area as a potential buyer and you don't want to rush things. Tell them you need about six months to see how living your life is going to go here first and it woulddn't be wise to commit to anything before then. In the meantime you can always say you've signed up for a rightmove account (and browse a few places with your mum if it keeps her happy - you could even ask their advice on creating a search so that you can see the kind of properties at a glance e.g. "2-bed with parking in AB1 postcode").

In my experience it takes a very long time to get a good view of what you want, where you want it and to be able to visualise it from floor plans - really take your time on this. There is not even that much on the market right now, so you really don't need to rush in, you may decide that you might like to live on or near X street and wait for properties there to come up.

WaxOnFeckOff · 05/01/2020 18:39

In your position then, i would view it simply as an investment and get your parents to choose something, and rent it out via an agent and simply collect the rent and put it towards your own rent. If it's not somewhere you think you'll be wanting to live then it's really irrelevant if you choose it?

In years to come you can sell it on and choose something yourself when you know where you want to live. They'll possibly be able to pick up something with tenants in situ and then everyone is a winner.

percheron67 · 05/01/2020 18:39

Wonderful opportunity. Accept this gift from your Pa. It will mean you will always have security and a home.

Thehagonthehillwithtinsel · 05/01/2020 18:43

You need help with your mental health if it stops you taking opportunities like this.
You can let it if you move and it will give you a small income and a bolt hole if you need it and security,not having the temporariness of renting.

Member869894 · 05/01/2020 18:43

I think you need to reframe your thinking. A property in your name gives you freedom as opposed to responsibity. You can live in it, rent it out, sell it, whatever you like. I would grab this opportunity with both hands

Oldishusernewname · 05/01/2020 18:46

You're not being unreasonable at all to be stressed by this, I understand completely! Take your time, get your head round it and see how you feel in a few days. If there's nothing ropey going on with your parents (like they will hold it over you or expect obedience forever) then it's a wonderful opportunity for you, hopefully with a bit of time to adjust you will make the most of it!

Good luck

ICouldHaveTinsillitis · 05/01/2020 18:49

We don't know if there are strings attached or not. Is it enough money to buy outright, or just for a deposit - maybe OP will have to get a mortgage. This would be quite different.

OP, is your Dad in a hurry to get rid of the money? Maybe he could wait 6 months / a year, to give you time to make more decisions, get settled in your head etc? While it's a very generous offer, it needs to be what you want, not just what they want.

Nifflernancy · 05/01/2020 18:50

@ GrumpyHoonMain what a nasty thing to say. I hope you don’t have any loved ones in your life with mental health problems, as you would be no use to them.

OP It is a great opportunity etc, but if you have struggled a lot with depression and anxiety then you have to put this first. Owning a property is a lot of responsibility and it is overwhelming for some people, especially those who are already struggling with depression and similar.

Is there a particular timeframe your parents are looking at? When would the money actually be available? And of course it depends if it would definitely be no strings attached.

Don’t let anyone push you into making such huge decisions quickly and you’re not an idiot (as some have suggested) for just jumping straight in.

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