I’m cheating and I don’t know why...?

[ScrewedUpBad]

I’ve ended up in a situation that I have no idea what to do, or how to get out of...

4 years ago I met a man, who I instantly fell head over heels for. He was smart, funny, driven and we shared so many views. I was physically highly attracted to him- I genuinely thought this was the man I would spend my life with.
Within a year of us meeting, he left his whole life behind in a foreign country and moved to the UK to be with me. The plan was he would study for his chosen profession and I would support him for the year. At that point in my life, I was so infatuated by my love for him, I accepted with no questions asked.
Fast forward 2.5 years and he was still ‘studying’, but things had changed. He had become lazy, argumentative, demanding, and very little studying was actually happening. I began to resent him- I felt like I had a wife at home who I had to support, but he wouldn’t take care of my children (as they aren’t his children), he wouldn’t help with household chores- except for the cooking, and he had totally let himself go.
He had become lazy, slept a lot, overweight and I felt like he didn’t care about his appearance and if I found him physically attractive anymore.

I still loved him and cared for him. But I began to see him as a drain. And he still commanded respect from me- when I began to lose respect for him out of his own actions of feeling entitled and ‘comfortable’

My family, who I am close to, never liked him. They saw him as a scrounger and felt like he’d given up on the studying and had become comfortable in his position as a ‘cocklodger’ and that made the relationship even harder.
The man, let’s call him cocklodger (CL), began to see it all as a competition between himself and my family and it drove a huge wedge between everyone.

Finally, after 3 years, I snapped. I told CL I could no longer afford where I was and I made plans to move into one of my family’s properties. CL was furious as he knew he had no right to move into the property and felt I had chosen family over him. I still loved him at this point- but I felt like I needed to take drastic action to make things change.

So CL moved out, rented a room nearby and took whatever jobs he could find.
This was 6 months ago now, he has drifted from job to job. Arguing and eventually storming out of every single one. I am frequently phoned with requests for more money and I am also paying his car finance every month.

I realised when he moved out that I felt more relaxed when he wasn’t around. It was like a burden had been lifted. Things weren’t so strained with my family, I physically had less mess to clean up and I just felt... free.
What is odd though- is I still felt and feel like I love him.

Recently, we have had bad news in the family. I told CL about the bad news and he didn’t support my feelings, we argued and he blocked me. In that moment, I decided that things were over and that I needed to realise that life wasn’t all ‘one man or nothing’ as friends and family had pointed out.

I joined a dating app never expected anything to come of it. But one man caught my eye... we began talking and there was an immediate spark and connection.
We eventually met up and 6 weeks later- we are falling in love.

During this time CL has ‘unblocked’ me and is trying every tactic to win me back. He tells me he loves me and expects me to say it back... and I do. But it’s getting harder and harder to say it as my feelings deepen for the other man.

CL still asks for money from me weekly. I still pay his car. I haven’t seen him for the 2 months on my request. He thinks this is due to the bad news in the family...
He threatens to disappear- which scares me strangely. As he was once my everything and I still hold affection and love for him. But I resent him and I’m angry all at once.

The new man is completely different. He has his own house, his own car and job and I’m attracted to the fact he’s so selfish sufficient and drama free.
He is sensitive, caring and loving. He doesn’t make demands- I’m attracted to him- maybe not as I was attracted to CL in the first place, but that man is gone.

So, aside from my financial losses without CL- why can’t I let him go?

How can I still love him- a different love, when I am clearly falling for this other man?

I can’t make sense of the situation. And there is an element of fear. CL has been a dangerous man in the past and has made it clear- if I were to cheat- he would kill me.

So what am I doing?

You don't love him. You don't even like him. And no wonder. He's a prize cocklodger and is abusing you financially and emotionally. The other man has nothing to do with it. You're just using him as a 'reason' to break up with CL. You don't need another man or a reason. Wanting to do it for yourself if good reason enough.

Time to cut him loose for good. He brings nothing good to your life, only anxiety and distress. Time to completely disentangle yourself from him and his dysfunctional life.

If he's made threats to your safety, go to the police and report. Let him know that you've done this.

And with the money that you've saved from his car payments, get some therapy to explore what this is all about and how you can stop repeating the pattern in the future.

You are correct. I don’t like him. But I feel almost protective of him- like I need to look after him financially. Which sounds bizarre. As I don’t even know how I ended up in this situation.

There is an element of fear. I know everything he has done in the past. But I can’t even go to the police....

And there’s a very very very good reason for this.

Completely agree with PP.

CL is USING you. If not anything buy for his own financial gain. Who's name is his car finance in? If its his stop paying it immediately.

Like you said he is overweight, lazy and by sounds of it is a total cunt. He does t support you emotionally or in anyway possible.

Time you block him. Move on and focus your attention on the new guy who sounds like he has his shit together.

CL is not your problem.

I don’t have the answers for you . I never ever thought I’d cheat but I did once. It was because I felt totally alone and taken for granted. Mentally I’d moved on. He was such an arsehole he barely cared. And honestly I don’t regret it.

You still love the man you met which you think could still come back. He might, he might not, even if he does come back to who he was, it might not be with you.

Saying that, don't make the mistake thinking that new man is perfect. 6 weeks is nowhere close to know how a person really is. It's very easy at this point to put a lot of effort and energy into being perfect.

What you can't do is continue hanging between the two of them. You need to make a decision whether to end your marriage or not very quickly or try one last time to work on it. As you describe it, the former is more likely to be the right decision for you, but no stranger can really tell you.

Just read your update.

Why can't you go to the police? Has there been physical abuse?

If yes then even more reason to cut your losses.

The car finance is all in my name.

I can’t go to the police as he volunteers for them with a view to join. I see this as his only route in life to stay ‘straight’.

If he loses this- he loses everything.

What would you go to the police about?

Take the car back.

Op if you’ve been a cocklodgee for years you just end up feeling as though you have a child where the burden of care doesn’t leave you if you split up.

I had a cocklodger once. I left him and it actually was hard to stop caring about his money problems etc etc. He was also v manipulative.

Please cut ties completely it’s the only way.

What he loses or doesn't lose is neither your responsibility or problem. It's his and his alone.

You have no control over how he behaves and can therefore take no responsibility.

He alone is responsible for sorting his life out. Or not.

Get some therapy OP. There is more going on here for you. This isn't about an affair or your relationship with CL. This is about your relationahip with yourself.

Good luck

Cut ties. Take back the car. If he wants to join police let him crack on. He needs to take the responsibility. You dont love him or like him. Move on.

You need to ditch the dickhead once and for all. It’s not your problem where he lives or anything after you telling him to leave you alone.

I also feel for the new guy. I assume he has no idea about your ex. Do the decent thing and tell your ex to go for good and either commit to the new guy or let him go. It’s not fair on him!!

Yes, I feel responsible for him. I feel like I brought him back to the UK, I feel like I’m responsible for his studying difficulties and I feel like I am responsible for looking after him financially. And this burden is very hard to break away from.

I’m supporting him when I don’t like him very much. He is loud and argumentative, and drove a HUGE wedge between my family and myself.

We are going through a terminal illness in the family and I feel like I wasted years protecting CL from their views and so separated myself from them.

The new guy has no idea about the CL.

And I really don’t want to hurt him. It’s odd, we’ve somehow found a connection that I didn’t think was possible.

I am falling head over heels in love with him and the feeling is mutual.

The fear and worry over cutting ties with CL is both the burden and the fear of what he may do.

And yes, as a pp pointed out- the grieving of the loss of the man he once was.

You're not responsible for him at all
Stop paying for the car, tell him its over and block him. If he threatens you or is violent then call the police regardless of his volunteering with them.

Don't be a mug anymore op

I read an eyeopening thread on here last year about women with boyfriends from the Middle East and Eastern Europe who do this exact thing just to get visas.

I'm not saying that is your situation, but it sounds similar, and they seem to go for a certain type of woman who needs love but won't "wake up" and stop the money because they are cut off from family and friends.

It's so difficult to recognise what's going on when it's happening to you. Everything said here is completely right. You need to imagine what you wrote was about another person, what would you advise them to do?

Remember how good it felt when you moved out. It will feel even better when you cut the ties completely.

Do you really want this abusive person joining the police? Seriously you need to report his behaviour so they can protect you. Women die from their ex partners. All the time. Your DC do not deserve to grow up in this situation and you need to protect all of you.

The new guy may or may not be all he seems. You need to perhaps have some therapy to understand yourself, and why you're tolerating an abusive man before you can really move on and choose a partner or, stay single. You don't need another partner to end the relationship you have and no, to be honest, the relationship ended when you moved out. You just haven't accepted that yet.

What abiut taking responsibility for yourself.
What would it take for you to move distance yourself.
You dont need a new relationship you dont need anyone to function and breathe untill you start taking some pride and believe in yourself this will happen again and again .
Thank heavens you dont have s child for him .
Wake up

He is responsible for all of the decisions that he made- not you. You didn't put a gun to his head, he made a choice and unfortunately it didn't work out. That's all.

You are responsible for the choices that you make and right now you are choosing to allow him to cause all of these problems in your life. Why? Who knows. You probably don't even know. But that's what you're doing.

Just as he needs to take some responsibility for himself, so do you. Once you do, you'll realise the power and agency you have to change things.

I think the fact that he is looking to join the Police is every reason to report him to them if he is as dangerous as you say. He may lose his volunteer position and hope of joining but it's far better than him becoming a manipulative and dangerous serving police officer.

He has made lots of bad choices, the main ones being not studying and getting lazy and entitled. Now unfortunately he has to live with the NATURAL consequences. That's right, you are not dishing this stuff out, it's just cause and effect. So you explain that you don't want to be be with him for the above reasons, he blew it, and obviously now as he is an adult, he needs to pay for his own car and house and life like everyone else.

You are cheating on both these men.

If you want to continue the stupidity with CL then have the decency to let the new guy know .

What would you go to the police about?

The threats to kill OP.