I’m cheating and I don’t know why...?

[ScrewedUpBad]

I’ve ended up in a situation that I have no idea what to do, or how to get out of...

4 years ago I met a man, who I instantly fell head over heels for. He was smart, funny, driven and we shared so many views. I was physically highly attracted to him- I genuinely thought this was the man I would spend my life with.
Within a year of us meeting, he left his whole life behind in a foreign country and moved to the UK to be with me. The plan was he would study for his chosen profession and I would support him for the year. At that point in my life, I was so infatuated by my love for him, I accepted with no questions asked.
Fast forward 2.5 years and he was still ‘studying’, but things had changed. He had become lazy, argumentative, demanding, and very little studying was actually happening. I began to resent him- I felt like I had a wife at home who I had to support, but he wouldn’t take care of my children (as they aren’t his children), he wouldn’t help with household chores- except for the cooking, and he had totally let himself go.
He had become lazy, slept a lot, overweight and I felt like he didn’t care about his appearance and if I found him physically attractive anymore.

I still loved him and cared for him. But I began to see him as a drain. And he still commanded respect from me- when I began to lose respect for him out of his own actions of feeling entitled and ‘comfortable’

My family, who I am close to, never liked him. They saw him as a scrounger and felt like he’d given up on the studying and had become comfortable in his position as a ‘cocklodger’ and that made the relationship even harder.
The man, let’s call him cocklodger (CL), began to see it all as a competition between himself and my family and it drove a huge wedge between everyone.

Finally, after 3 years, I snapped. I told CL I could no longer afford where I was and I made plans to move into one of my family’s properties. CL was furious as he knew he had no right to move into the property and felt I had chosen family over him. I still loved him at this point- but I felt like I needed to take drastic action to make things change.

So CL moved out, rented a room nearby and took whatever jobs he could find.
This was 6 months ago now, he has drifted from job to job. Arguing and eventually storming out of every single one. I am frequently phoned with requests for more money and I am also paying his car finance every month.

I realised when he moved out that I felt more relaxed when he wasn’t around. It was like a burden had been lifted. Things weren’t so strained with my family, I physically had less mess to clean up and I just felt... free.
What is odd though- is I still felt and feel like I love him.

Recently, we have had bad news in the family. I told CL about the bad news and he didn’t support my feelings, we argued and he blocked me. In that moment, I decided that things were over and that I needed to realise that life wasn’t all ‘one man or nothing’ as friends and family had pointed out.

I joined a dating app never expected anything to come of it. But one man caught my eye... we began talking and there was an immediate spark and connection.
We eventually met up and 6 weeks later- we are falling in love.

During this time CL has ‘unblocked’ me and is trying every tactic to win me back. He tells me he loves me and expects me to say it back... and I do. But it’s getting harder and harder to say it as my feelings deepen for the other man.

CL still asks for money from me weekly. I still pay his car. I haven’t seen him for the 2 months on my request. He thinks this is due to the bad news in the family...
He threatens to disappear- which scares me strangely. As he was once my everything and I still hold affection and love for him. But I resent him and I’m angry all at once.

The new man is completely different. He has his own house, his own car and job and I’m attracted to the fact he’s so selfish sufficient and drama free.
He is sensitive, caring and loving. He doesn’t make demands- I’m attracted to him- maybe not as I was attracted to CL in the first place, but that man is gone.

So, aside from my financial losses without CL- why can’t I let him go?

How can I still love him- a different love, when I am clearly falling for this other man?

I can’t make sense of the situation. And there is an element of fear. CL has been a dangerous man in the past and has made it clear- if I were to cheat- he would kill me.

So what am I doing?

Your poor children in this, you need to look at what they have been seeing. And not take them into a relationship with another man at this point.

I wouldn’t feel bad about bringing him to the UK, he can always return to his home country. You have done all that you can do.

You obviously need to break ties with the original guy but you are foolish for racing into another relationship

We eventually met up and 6 weeks later- we are falling in love

‘Falling in love’ within 6 weeks sounds a bit full on. Look at the huge mistake you made last time. You should slow things down and not rush into things. The fact you are lying to everyone and that ‘you don’t know why you are cheating’ makes you sound immature and impulsive.

What’s wrong with being single for a while?

I had this. I was with a guy who I was in love with and he was useless with money. He broke up with me and managed to worm his way back so although we weren’t together we were shagging and I was driving him around and providing financial support! Wtf was I thinking??! I felt too guilty and that he relied on me. In the end, with support from a friend, I realised the only way was a total cut. So I told him it was over and not to contact me again. Surprisingly enough he took me at my word, but if not I would have blocked. My life Improved vastly after this. He’s still a fuck up as far as I know but out of sight out of mind. Best thing I ever did and now my money And time is my own.

Sorry to say but it sounds like CL used to you to get over to the UK and a source of money. You shouldn't feel responsible for him.

Out of interest, what was he planning to 'study'.

Honestly I don't see what he's bringing/brought to the relationship. You say you love him and yet now you're falling for the new guy.

Dump CL. He's had plenty of opportunities to prove himself and clearly failed.

You need to finish with CL before concentrating on the new guy. It's not fair on new guy and if you're serious that you see a future with him, it's got to be done.

OP this is co-dependence - which means taking on too much responsibility for someone’s pathology - whether it is mental illness, addiction, immaturity.

You are addicted to ‘helping’ him and you’re not letting go of him as you should, telling yourself you’re responsible for him. You’re not.

He used you to come to the U.K., and then cock-lodged. That’s not a real relationship.

Cut ties, block him, end the car finance. If you don’t you will completely fuck up the relationship with a new man who deserves a lot better than this mess by the sound of it.

It seems like you pity him. You don’t want him to end up on hard times just because you don’t want to be with him. This is not good for your mental health. You don’t want to risk losing the new man. If the car finance is in your name, get the car back, sell it and pay off the debt. Or CL can take out his own loan to buy the car.

Get rid of CL even if your new relationship doesn't progress, he's using you.

Also cancel his car payment, what a scrounger he is!

It's revealing that you think this lazy, manipulative man who has made threats to kill you ought to become a police officer, and if you report the truth about his behaviour that this is somehow being unfair. If he is prevented from gaining a position of trust and responsibility, surely that is because of his own actions, not because you failed to keep them secret?

You know what you need to do - cut ties with CL, block him on everything and seek therapy to help you through it. And be very careful with this new guy - you barely know him and yet you are "falling hard" for the love of your life. Which is all the stuff you said about CL.

OP you seem to have a pattern of falling hard quickly. I echo a pp who said take time for yourself and think about this.

It sounds like cl isnt the kind of person the general public may want on the police force, albeit you haven't specified what he has done. So he has made his own bed there if he doesnt get in.

Tell both of them clear and to the point what is going on and take it from there.

Agree with all the aboves. Cut him loose. Log threats with the police.
6 weeks later- we are falling in love
dont rush things with this new guy. 6 weeks is very soon to be falling in love. Take a step back.

I’m sorry but your whole post just makes me want to shout GROW UP.

I felt like I had a wife at home who I had to support, but he wouldn’t take care of my children (as they aren’t his children)

I had to read your post twice to make sure I’d actually really seen the bit about having children. I don’t understand where your children are in all this, and why they get so little mention in your OP. Where is their father? What about the impact of all this on them? This is not just about you and your chaotic love life - children are implicated here and the instability is not good for them at all.

You misjudged the situation with this man in the intense falling-in-love period, became totally infatuated and forgot to ask any of the important questions about what really makes someone a decent person. Ok, that happens and you learn from it. But now it’s falling apart, and your response is to go on to a dating site and meet another man with whom you’re “falling in love” after 6 weeks? Of course he seems different and special - the last one probably did too, and people always do when you don’t know them! It sounds like a kind of an addiction to the rush of a new relationship. There’s a word for this, I can’t remember what it is, but it doesn’t bode well for developing truly meaningful, stable and fulfilling relationships. And as the PP said it really does sound like an unhealthy co-dependency that is stopping you from making good decisions.

None of this sounds good. I suggest postponing the falling in love, explaining to this new guy that you need to sort yourself out before entering a new relationship (if I’m he’s a good guy he’ll respect that), and committing to some intensive therapy for a good year without getting involved with anyone. But I doubt very much you’ll do that, because the excitement of a new man will be too much to resist. And the chances are that this pattern, with all its drama and destructiveness, will repeat.

I don't get why this is so difficult - CL has moved out, you have no children together - by all intents and purposes you've split up anyway. Send a text saying th relationship is over and if he continues to contact you you will report him.
As an aside, I'm a police officer and previously a Special (is this what he is doing?) and I can tell you we don't want people of his ilk joining, there's enough to contend with. Don't let him use the vetting process as a barrel to hold you over.

You are not cheating on CL because you are not in a relationship with him. He is free-loading off you still.

Don’t feel responsible for him. It was his decesion to move here. He’s a grown man and is responsible for himself. He needs to accept that things change.

Don’t give him any more money. While he’s got you to prop him up, he won’t stay in any job.

Also, don’t jump straight from one relationship to another. Take things slowly with new bloke.

What would happen if you tell cl you have met someone new?

Does CL have the right to remain in the UK?

I wouldn't be paying for his car if you no longer want to be with him and I would definitely report him to the police for the death threats. Your priority should be the safety of yourself and your DC. He doesn't sound like anyone I'd be happy to have as a member of the police service.

I have no idea whh you would feel as you do about such an unpleasant man. He is the person he has now shown himself to be, he was never the wonderful man you thought he was. You have been duped.

I hope you don't lose the decent man you've met. You need to ditch one of them and I know which one I'd choose to ditch.

@ScrewedUpBad You need to get this moved to 'Relationships.'

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

I can’t go to the police as he volunteers for them with a view to join. I see this as his only route in life to stay ‘straight’.

All the more reason to go to the police then. He is a selfish, nasty, controlling and abusive piece if shit. The very last thing that should happen here is someone like him being given the power, authority and access to vulnerable people that comes with being a police officer.

Bollocks are you responsible for him. That’s your female socialisation talking.

He won’t be working for the police at all if he has a dangerous past.

If a man threatened to kill me I would tell the police immediately, it’s very serious. I would also not put any further details about my life on social media.

who I instantly fell head over heels for.
and I’m attracted to the fact he’s so selfish

Is there a pattern here where you fall very quickly for men who are emotionally unavailable or unsuitable?

But exploring that can wait. Safety first.

CL has been a dangerous man in the past and has made it clear- if I were to cheat- he would kill me

What does this mean? When did you find this information out.... before or after you moved him into your children’s home?

I agree your op sounded like the start of a novel, all very dramatic. This is not difficult. Block CL, dial it down on the new guy and focus on your kids for a while. Tell CL you will be making one more car payment then it's down to him, as are all his other expenses. The rest of his life is his problem, not yours. It really is that simple but you have to choose the drama free option. It can feel very exciting to be 'torn' between two men, feel wanted, needed etc but read you op as if someone else had written it and what would you do?

I feel like I brought him back to the UK

Sounds more like he used you to get to the UK and as a meal ticket.

During this time CL has ‘unblocked’ me and is trying every tactic to win me back.

Nah, probably worried about his status to remain or that the gravy train will dry up.

Cut all ties with CL. You are already half way there. Finish the job. If you don’t want a big drama/stand off, map out all your points contact (calls, text, Fb, WhatsApp, car finance, x, y, z). Write a short timeline and block/remove yourself one by one.

Don’t see him, don’t contact him, don’t reply to anything.

You're falling in LOVE after 6 weeks?

I would see that as a massive red flag for you. 6 weeks is nothing and you're willing to say you love him? You barely know him.

You met this CL whilst he was abroad and fell head over heels with him too. It didn't work out so well.

Consider why you need to love someone so much and why a man is necessary before you've even sorted out and properly finished your last relationship. It's a bit needy and in all honestly never ends well.

Take the car back and end things. You don’t even like him and no wonder he sounds awful! Do you really want your children growing up thinking it’s okay to be finically abused? I would drop the dating too, not sure how you can love someone you barely know after 6 weeks. Focus on yourself and your kids.