I’ve ended up in a situation that I have no idea what to do, or how to get out of...
4 years ago I met a man, who I instantly fell head over heels for. He was smart, funny, driven and we shared so many views. I was physically highly attracted to him- I genuinely thought this was the man I would spend my life with.
Within a year of us meeting, he left his whole life behind in a foreign country and moved to the UK to be with me. The plan was he would study for his chosen profession and I would support him for the year. At that point in my life, I was so infatuated by my love for him, I accepted with no questions asked.
Fast forward 2.5 years and he was still ‘studying’, but things had changed. He had become lazy, argumentative, demanding, and very little studying was actually happening. I began to resent him- I felt like I had a wife at home who I had to support, but he wouldn’t take care of my children (as they aren’t his children), he wouldn’t help with household chores- except for the cooking, and he had totally let himself go.
He had become lazy, slept a lot, overweight and I felt like he didn’t care about his appearance and if I found him physically attractive anymore.
I still loved him and cared for him. But I began to see him as a drain. And he still commanded respect from me- when I began to lose respect for him out of his own actions of feeling entitled and ‘comfortable’
My family, who I am close to, never liked him. They saw him as a scrounger and felt like he’d given up on the studying and had become comfortable in his position as a ‘cocklodger’ and that made the relationship even harder.
The man, let’s call him cocklodger (CL), began to see it all as a competition between himself and my family and it drove a huge wedge between everyone.
Finally, after 3 years, I snapped. I told CL I could no longer afford where I was and I made plans to move into one of my family’s properties. CL was furious as he knew he had no right to move into the property and felt I had chosen family over him. I still loved him at this point- but I felt like I needed to take drastic action to make things change.
So CL moved out, rented a room nearby and took whatever jobs he could find.
This was 6 months ago now, he has drifted from job to job. Arguing and eventually storming out of every single one. I am frequently phoned with requests for more money and I am also paying his car finance every month.
I realised when he moved out that I felt more relaxed when he wasn’t around. It was like a burden had been lifted. Things weren’t so strained with my family, I physically had less mess to clean up and I just felt... free.
What is odd though- is I still felt and feel like I love him.
Recently, we have had bad news in the family. I told CL about the bad news and he didn’t support my feelings, we argued and he blocked me. In that moment, I decided that things were over and that I needed to realise that life wasn’t all ‘one man or nothing’ as friends and family had pointed out.
I joined a dating app never expected anything to come of it. But one man caught my eye... we began talking and there was an immediate spark and connection.
We eventually met up and 6 weeks later- we are falling in love.
During this time CL has ‘unblocked’ me and is trying every tactic to win me back. He tells me he loves me and expects me to say it back... and I do. But it’s getting harder and harder to say it as my feelings deepen for the other man.
CL still asks for money from me weekly. I still pay his car. I haven’t seen him for the 2 months on my request. He thinks this is due to the bad news in the family...
He threatens to disappear- which scares me strangely. As he was once my everything and I still hold affection and love for him. But I resent him and I’m angry all at once.
The new man is completely different. He has his own house, his own car and job and I’m attracted to the fact he’s so selfish sufficient and drama free.
He is sensitive, caring and loving. He doesn’t make demands- I’m attracted to him- maybe not as I was attracted to CL in the first place, but that man is gone.
So, aside from my financial losses without CL- why can’t I let him go?
How can I still love him- a different love, when I am clearly falling for this other man?
I can’t make sense of the situation. And there is an element of fear. CL has been a dangerous man in the past and has made it clear- if I were to cheat- he would kill me.
So what am I doing?