I’m cheating and I don’t know why...?

[ScrewedUpBad]

I’ve ended up in a situation that I have no idea what to do, or how to get out of...

4 years ago I met a man, who I instantly fell head over heels for. He was smart, funny, driven and we shared so many views. I was physically highly attracted to him- I genuinely thought this was the man I would spend my life with.
Within a year of us meeting, he left his whole life behind in a foreign country and moved to the UK to be with me. The plan was he would study for his chosen profession and I would support him for the year. At that point in my life, I was so infatuated by my love for him, I accepted with no questions asked.
Fast forward 2.5 years and he was still ‘studying’, but things had changed. He had become lazy, argumentative, demanding, and very little studying was actually happening. I began to resent him- I felt like I had a wife at home who I had to support, but he wouldn’t take care of my children (as they aren’t his children), he wouldn’t help with household chores- except for the cooking, and he had totally let himself go.
He had become lazy, slept a lot, overweight and I felt like he didn’t care about his appearance and if I found him physically attractive anymore.

I still loved him and cared for him. But I began to see him as a drain. And he still commanded respect from me- when I began to lose respect for him out of his own actions of feeling entitled and ‘comfortable’

My family, who I am close to, never liked him. They saw him as a scrounger and felt like he’d given up on the studying and had become comfortable in his position as a ‘cocklodger’ and that made the relationship even harder.
The man, let’s call him cocklodger (CL), began to see it all as a competition between himself and my family and it drove a huge wedge between everyone.

Finally, after 3 years, I snapped. I told CL I could no longer afford where I was and I made plans to move into one of my family’s properties. CL was furious as he knew he had no right to move into the property and felt I had chosen family over him. I still loved him at this point- but I felt like I needed to take drastic action to make things change.

So CL moved out, rented a room nearby and took whatever jobs he could find.
This was 6 months ago now, he has drifted from job to job. Arguing and eventually storming out of every single one. I am frequently phoned with requests for more money and I am also paying his car finance every month.

I realised when he moved out that I felt more relaxed when he wasn’t around. It was like a burden had been lifted. Things weren’t so strained with my family, I physically had less mess to clean up and I just felt... free.
What is odd though- is I still felt and feel like I love him.

Recently, we have had bad news in the family. I told CL about the bad news and he didn’t support my feelings, we argued and he blocked me. In that moment, I decided that things were over and that I needed to realise that life wasn’t all ‘one man or nothing’ as friends and family had pointed out.

I joined a dating app never expected anything to come of it. But one man caught my eye... we began talking and there was an immediate spark and connection.
We eventually met up and 6 weeks later- we are falling in love.

During this time CL has ‘unblocked’ me and is trying every tactic to win me back. He tells me he loves me and expects me to say it back... and I do. But it’s getting harder and harder to say it as my feelings deepen for the other man.

CL still asks for money from me weekly. I still pay his car. I haven’t seen him for the 2 months on my request. He thinks this is due to the bad news in the family...
He threatens to disappear- which scares me strangely. As he was once my everything and I still hold affection and love for him. But I resent him and I’m angry all at once.

The new man is completely different. He has his own house, his own car and job and I’m attracted to the fact he’s so selfish sufficient and drama free.
He is sensitive, caring and loving. He doesn’t make demands- I’m attracted to him- maybe not as I was attracted to CL in the first place, but that man is gone.

So, aside from my financial losses without CL- why can’t I let him go?

How can I still love him- a different love, when I am clearly falling for this other man?

I can’t make sense of the situation. And there is an element of fear. CL has been a dangerous man in the past and has made it clear- if I were to cheat- he would kill me.

So what am I doing?

CL is not your child. He obviously can't look after himself and wants someone to take care of him so he can have an easy life. He needs to hit rock bottom to realise that he needs to pull his finger out and take charge of his own life.

I'm having similar issues with my ex. I FINALLY moved away (quite a long way) and now after a year of living it up, he's all partied out, sick of doing everything for himself and wants to come and live near and try and get the "family" life again. I'm right at the point of starting a new career and it's taken almost two years of clawing myself up to get to this point.

Makes me feel sick because I feel responsibility for him as my children's dad. I just want him to stay away so we can live separate lives. I have no interest in playing happy families with him.

But whether it is this man, or another man- at some point they WILL eventually meet a man in my life?

What makes you say this? Why are you so desperate to have another man living with you as part of a family? I've been will dp for nearly 2 years and I only see him when dc are at their dads or in bed. Before that I was single for 4/5 years. If things don't work out with dp then it could be years til I met someone else and even longer before someone was suitable be be introduced. They could be grown ups by then.

The falling in love after 6 weeks seems odd to me. I remember that feeling when much younger but I've learned, at that point people are rarely who you think they are and when you have dc to think about you need to be a lot more sensible and realistic.

Is CL actually British? Lots of people mentioning visas but I picked up on a comment where you said you were responsible for him 'coming back' to the uk.

Either way you need to cut him off and report anything. I definitely don't think the police is a suitable place for a violent and abusive man and if you know things that might prevent that happening then it's your duty to report not just ignore because you feel bad. It would be his fault for his actions if he didn't get in, not yours for reporting them

“Historically, he’d always played a game of name calling, screaming and then silence till I snapped and held out the olive branch so to speak. I just realised over summer that I couldn’t continue in this cycle of supporting someone else indefinitely abuse.”

You do not love him OP. You are in love with a lie. The big, fat lie he sold you to get himself over here. Once that was done, there was no need for him to pretend anymore. You are in the FOG.

Cut him off permanently and move on with your life.

OP take control. Your posts read like you think you don’t have any choice here but you do. Tell CL you won’t be paying for him any further and the relationship is over, block him and just STOP. At a certain point what happens to us is what we allow and you can make this decision for yourself.

If you are concerned for your safety then speak to the police ESPECIALLY if he volunteers for them they need to know the type of man they have in their midst.

CL made the choice to move here. Are you really so sure that things would have been any different if he had stayed in his own country? Had you moved there, you might still have ended up working and doing everything at home bar the cooking. I can only assume that you feel protective of CL because he chose to come here. It’s interesting you put the word ‘cheating’ in your title because, other than the financial support, what was left from the relationship? I think you should make it clear to CL things are over and then see what happens with the new man. I didn’t vote though because I was not sure if the AIBU was you carrying on supporting CL, not mentioning your situation to the new man, or wanting to have a relationship with the new man.

@Straycatstrut I had a similar situation as far as actually moving countries. He was so sure he'd move closer and win me back, all of a sudden was desperate for the family life he'd never been interested in before. (He didn't want that at all just wanted looked after) thankfully a series of events made it very clear that wouldn't happen so he quickly found an other poor woman to play nanny to a grown man child. As long as she puts up with him I have to have very little dealings outside of arrangements for the kids even though he's now 10 miles down the road. Hopefully yours will do the same. These men don't do well on their own so if you make it clear he'll enlist some other poor mug.

I think it's very wrong that your new man doesn't know. Does he think you're single?

Stop giving CL money and block him.

It’s not love. It’s fear, you’re scared of him and feel like you need to keep him sweet. You need to stop all contact and threaten with a restraining order. Also tell the new man about him.

I have sent the text explaining it is over.

I have blocked him on all social media, except normal text messaging.
For the reason of;

I don’t want him bothering my family in their time of illness and grief.
I don’t want him to turn up at my home and scare the children with his shouting.

Take back the car, if the finance is in your name, and you're paying for it, then it is yours - even if the car is registered in his name, a V5 is not proof of ownership and you can get a transfer on this easily.

CL is using you. Get rid of him, and if that means reporting to the police,then dont hesitate.

@happycamper11,

"he quickly found an other poor woman to play nanny to a grown man child"

This is probably already true of CL. Other than texts you haven't seen this man in 3 months, OP. I'd be very very surprised if he's not already in another relationship with another poor mug.

Men like them tend not to be alone for too long.

TellMeWho....

You are completely right. And I realised this over the summer when he became very very secretive over his phone. The phone in my name, which I pay monthly for.

I see you have messaged him and blocked him. Are you going to stop paying the car finance? Or are you going to take possession of the car?

Blocking him is fine. But you do have outstanding business with him so unless you communicate with him regarding the car, you will either continue to pay it (to protect your credit rating) and give him free access to your car. Or you will stop paying, have the car repossessed and your credit rating hit?

OP you sound confused about many of your feelings and motivations. This is because when we choose relationships we are driven by unconscious motivations and unresolved childhood patterns. This is why many people have a "type" and they are often the wrong type. You are attracted to this deficient man who cannot possibly meet your needs. Instead of trying to get your needs met in a relationship you are trying to rescue and look after him. Have a think about what you need in relationships. And why you are sabotaging this. Perhaps you have some kind of underlying belief that you don't deserve to have your emotional needs met ... or that you are unloveable and only if you give up all of yourself for someone else you can you be loveable?

If I transfer the V5 over to him (it’s currently in my name) can the finance be transferred over?

His credit is very poor and that’s why the finance is in my name.

The biggest thing here is your reluctance to go to the police. If he is “dangerous” he shouldn’t be volunteering as an officer, nor should he be joining as a paid officer. If you do nothing else, tell the police what you know. To sit back and watch him join the police, knowing what you know is irresponsible and immoral.

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre yes I suspect you are right - and sending just enough 'I love you's' to OP to get the odd bit of extra pocket money

The phone in my name, which I pay monthly for

FFS, OP. How the fuck did you allow yourself to get into this situation?

He is an ADULT man. An adult. A man. Unless he is deaf, dumb and limbless he is capable of finding work to support himself. School children in their teens tend to have part-time jobs to have their own spending money. Parents tend to want to teach their children to be financially independent. He is an adult man.

Will you be paying your children's phone bills when they are the same age as this man? I assume not.

Cancel all contracts you are paying for him. Let the phone be cut off. Let the car be repossessed. It will affect your credit rating, but that is a consequence of what you have gotten yourself involved in.

Take this as a very expensive life lesson. And in future, don't take on "projects". If a man is not your equal, or you're not his, walk away. And maybe listen to your family. They are looking in from the outside and capable of seeing what you can't because you're emotionally invested.

Block him on normal text too - after sending a final message of 'if you come to my home or contact my family in any way I will immediately report it to the police' and make sure you keep a copy of that

His credit is poor because he has no job and no money to build up a credit history. And you have facilitated that for years.

Call the finance company. They won't transfer finance into his name. They are guaranteed not to get it back.

Although they might transfer it into his new gf's name, if she wants to take it on for him

Can you just stop seeing men full stop for a while? How old are your kids? You seem to be lurching from one to another and your judgement is clouded. This new guy may not be all you hope yet you're already head over heels with him

Just put the brakes on and take some time out. You won't - but that's my advice

I have slowly realised in the last year everything you are all saying.

I literally paid his gym, his phone, his visits to his daughter who is in another country (and doesn’t know about me which is a whole other story), feeding costs, a roof over his head and his car.

He didn’t have an easy start in life- and it became almost my mission to ‘save him’

He changed with his ways- he is no longer that angry dangerous man and I don’t even know if he would hurt me or anyone anymore. I want him to hold onto the good that he now has inside him.

Christ you sound worse with every update. Where do your children figure in all this?