To call SS?

[TiredMama90]

I need help.

My son is nearly 3. I cannot cope anymore.

We were given our notice on our old place as the landlord wanted to put the rent up (I told him I couldn't afford it). So we contacted another council as the council I was living in wouldn't help me due to me not being in the area long enough.

The other council took us as my partner lives here. We moved in together.

My sons routine has gone. Out the window.....poof.
He hasn't gone to bed at 7 since we moved (before he went to bed without so much as a whinge and slept through).

Now, he stays up, I then lie in bed with him until he falls asleep. If he wakes, I either go to bed or he comes and sleeps on the sofa next to me.

Partner has been in his bed for the last 2 months, whilst he's been in ours with me.

He cries for shit food. Refuses to eat his dinner, breakfast or healthy snacks.

He doesn't listen to me at all.

Tonight, I put him back in his bed (after having it decorated and carpet laid). Led him down, quietly talked to him, told him I wouldn't be laying next to him. He cried for a few minutes but fell asleep. Half an hour later he woke and cried for 40 minutes. I went to calm him but he screamed even louder, grabbed hold of me.

When I finally managed to get out, he ran and grabbed the door before I shut it. Did this 3 times.

I lost it and cried. I can't cope anymore! I need routine.

Your son is, I imagine, feeling very displaced and insecure.

Your job is to make him feel loved and safe.

I have a 6yo with additional needs and he needed to be sat with to fall asleep until about 3/4 months ago.

We do everything as he’s ready - we try, test, discuss etc but we don’t push.

No controlled crying, shut doors. Cuddles are frequent and not limited. Anyone who tells me he’s spoiled or that I’m making a rod for my back is told to ‘fuck off’.

You are his world.

If your partner can’t accept and support that she needs to go.

I get stressed more because my partner will say "don't pick him up, make him walk". "Don't cuddle him! You give in far too much". "Do not! Let him eat your dinner, he has to learn". "Don't let him sit all over you".

Your partner sounds very difficult, I work with parents sometimes who struggle with their children’s behaviour and 9 times out of 10 it’s because their expectations are too high and the child isn’t developmentally ready, and often if we take the stress away and talk to the children rather than order them things fall into place.

Once your dc feels secure in his environment he won’t need you to sit with him anymore and you as his mum will be best to judge that. Whilst he has someone moaning at him he won’t feel he can relax and move on to the stage of feeling like he belongs and settled.

I also genuinely believe if a child wants a cuddle they should get one, doesn’t have to be a long drawn out one but a cuddle of reassurance.

I know it’s frustrating for you to sit with dc while he goes to Sleep but it is a phase and he will develop.

I would not call SS but you may benefit from some community parenting support.

I would try

1. Gradual reduction of lights an sounds hour before bed.
2. Establish calm warm bath, then quite stories every night before bed
3. No screens in the evening/late afternoon
4. Let him read quietly with a flashlight in bed for a period or put in a quiet audio cd for him to listen to
5. Put on a gentle night light - perhaps one with ocean sounds (we have a great one - twilight turtle by b sleep)
6. Offer to leave his door open provided he's quite. Assure him he can stay up as late as he wants provided he stays in bed
7. Perhaps consider an award chart

I would not shut his door and leave him to scream. I would lay with him if he needed it or I would camp in his room reading a book quietly until he passed out from boredom. He is SO little, just a baby really. This will pass. You do need to control yourself, set the tone and help him not turn it into a battle.
4Why don't you take all the energy and fight out of it and let him sleep with you? I'm not being cheeky - that's what we did and it was a relief. Then we set up a cot and slept in his room to wean him out of our bed

Sorry about that last bit - when I first skimmed your question I thought it was about sleeping with you generally not bedtime battles.

www.home-start.org.uk/contact

Home Start are a charity that offers support for families - they might be able to help you. You can self-refer and they're very understanding and not judgemental.

Remove the Stargate and leave the door open - my youngest has been (I suspect) claustrophobic from very early on. She never settled in anything with raised sides and even the pram hood had to be back when she was in it, she's 6 now and still panics of she's in a room with a closed door.

There's also the element that he knows there's a physical boundry that stops him getting to you if he needs too - perhaps taking that away will make him feel more secure.

You really do sound unhappy about your situation with gf and moving home was it discussed beforehand or was it a forced situation? Given the effect it's having on you and your son I'd be contemplating whether it's worth sticking around.

I am pretty sure you have posted about this before. Sorry but it's definitely not the right environment for DS. I don't believe a house move would have such a huge affect on his behaviour. I think DP being critical is the issue. I think DS is communicating with you the only way he can - he's not happy. DP is trying for whatever reason change your parenting style & it's having a negative impact. You need to sort this out ASAP - either stand up to her firmly or move out.

Ok. Say you called SS because your DC is displaying behaviour that is typical of 3 year old that has been uprooted from everything he knows and has little parental guidance, boundaries and routine. What do you expect SS to do about it?

Does your son have a special toy that he takes to bed? A cuddly toy? I had problems with my ds sleeping at that age & what worked for me was tucking him up with his cuddly toys & explaining to him that unless he went to sleep his toys couldn't do their job of looking after him, that they would all keep him safe & warm. Make it in to a game, let him kiss each one & give them a cuddle, involve them at bedtime story time, make him feel important to them & them to him, make up stories about them, give them names.

OP biologically children want comfort to sleep.
Please don't shut the door on him.
Could you get a king sized bed and you all co-sleep?
The only person you should people please is him.
Ignore all the "making a rod for your own back bs" comments from people, I get it all the time. I think they feel guilty for not responding to their dc's needs as they should.
Regardless, even though you're a single mother, you are living with your dp now. She needs to be on the same wavelength when it comes to parenting styles. If she cannot understand why a child wants to be near their mother then she has to go.

I have an almost 3yo who is very similar, we cosleep in his bed. I personally can understand why you want to shut the door, I always think my son sleeps deeper when its quiet and dark for him to fall asleep. We have had some big changes in last 6 months (moved away from grandparents who we lived with, new baby due any day) and he recently has been struggling at bedtime..especially since we got rid of the dummy.

Thankfully he is able to communicate with us and we discovered that his molars were coming in which was obviously unsettling him but also that he is scared in the dark. I think he has watched a couple of videos about ghosts on paw patrol. I really didn't want to go back to lying beside him, nor did I want him going to bed upset but I didnt want to go down the night light/leaving lamp on route. My DH got him a small torch in his stocking which has solved the issue, he just puts it on when I leave the room and I go in about 20 minutes later and switch it off.

The main thing is that you love him. Perhaps you are letting him rule too much so you need to establish boundaries. Call the HV team. They are not going to take him away because you clearly love him. You just need a bit of guidance and help. You can't get that here it needs to be from someone who can see his behaviour and help you make adaptations.

Hi op

There's no doubt you love your son and he loves you very much.

Personally I would tell your partner that you need a bit of a break to get your ds settled into his new surroundings first. Once he is happily settled and back into a new routine, then he will be more accepting to new people.

He needs you and only you to feel safe for a while. You have been his number 1 person since day one and he needs to be reassured that you still are.

Lay with him at night, let him eat off your dinner plate. If you are happy for him to. It's not weird I do this with my 3 year old most days and if that's what they need to feel safe then do it.

A tip I've learnt also is if I have a plate of veg etc and my ds sees me eating it, he will try to ' steal' a bit to try it. ( I don't expect he will grow up to be a bank robber by doing this ) he don't always, but sometimes gets curious as I'm eating it.

Most importantly just do what you need to to make you and your ds happy. It sounds harsh but other relationships will struggle if you and ds aren't settled first.

It’s sounds like your ds has an attachment issue.

He’s lost 2 people close to him, his home and now has to share the only person he has left with a stranger.

Of course he’s going to be showing distressed behaviours.

He needs love bombing, lots of cuddles and co sleeping for as long as he wants.

Could you get a house swap back to old area?

Your ds is little more than a baby. Bless him, he’s so tiny. He’s looking for love and reassurance from his one constant, his mummy. And the new scary lady in his mum’s life is stopping this from happening and he doesn’t have his nanny around either.

I’m really cross at your partner. She isn’t the parent. She reminds me of my SIL actually. She does have a child. But hers is a few years younger. She constantly expected my dd to constantly act like a quasi adult when she was about 6 because my dd was big and her ds was little. No, my dd was not big. At the time she was still closer to being a baby than a teenager.

Your ds will grow in his own time. For now, you really cannot spoil him or give him too much attention. My dd slept in her bed no problem. Then at 7 something happened and I co slept with her until a few weeks ago. To put that into context, she’s 11. Japanese children aren’t expected to sleep alone until about 8.

I agree with love bombing your ds right now. If you give him loads of love, cuddles and affection along with co sleeping I bet he will be a lot easier to handle. And if that means your relationship with the scary lady flounders, that will be the price. You cannot please everyone. As an adult, your partner should be at the back of the queue.

40 miles is not far, how often do you or they visit? Can you facetime/skype? Get them to record bedtime stories? Otherwise he may be fearful he may not see them again.

You need to be firm about food and bedtime. Do you eat together, all the same. Don't biy food you don't want home to eat. Does he have a preschool place yet? That may establish routine and social group. Do you plan to work?

OP you're not happy where you are, are you? Have you thought about moving back?

I wonder if this is as much about you (sad and anxious) as about your son?

I'm planning to move back as soon as is possible.

Also trying to get back to work.

This move was forced. We were happy as we were. I was happy on my own, living with just my son for a long time.

He slept in my bed with me last night. I slept soundly for the first time in weeks, why? Because I let every prior issue, go.

I know what I need to do & that's make sure my son is feeling loved & secure.

Good luck to you both, OP.

Hi @TiredMama90 I'm sorry but I think your gf needs to take a step back. I'm sure it's difficult on her, sharing her home with you and a child that isn't hers, but the crux of it is that he isn't hers, and she actually doesn't have a say in how you parent him. Your ds needs to come first, even before yourself let alone your partner. It's great that she wants to support and help you but she needs to do that but accepting your decisions on parenting and not criticising them, especially in front of your son. It's understandable she wants to spend time with you on a night, and you her, but fundamental your son needs you on a night, not her. Prephaps it would help to have a double bed in each room rather than presumably a single in your son's room. You could lay down with him til he falls asleep. Then spend time with your gf, snuggle and even go to sleep in the other bed, and then if he wakes up and needs you you can join him in his bed? I lay down with my lo of a similar age to yours until they are sleeping. Then I go off do whatever and go to sleep in my bed but oftentimes my lo will wake in the night and come into my bed, that works for us as my partner and I don't live together. But if we did I'd likely get a double in Los room and join them if they wake up.
I struggle a lot with my temper too, especially if I'm tired. You aren't alone. But the more of a battle you make bedtime and food into the more you'll anger yourself by your son's reaction. I recommend you read gentle parenting books by Sarah ockwell Smith. She has one on eating as well as raising a toddler

Thank you for all your help everyone.

I will take all of your suggestions & try them.

I am so grateful.

OP you sound so lovely and your son is lucky to have you. Everyone knows best before they become a parent don't they? And even those with children don't know what's right for your child the way you do.

I'm glad you had a good talk with your partner, hope she is able to keep in mind what she has said and that things look up for you soon

Quick update:

Thank you for all your help again.

Partner has decided to move out for a while (we both agreed to this).

This way, I can sort a routine for my son & make sure he's settled first.

She will only be around the corner so they can continue building their relationship.

good luck to all of you!

Sounds like a great start. Best wishes OP