To call SS?

[TiredMama90]

I need help.

My son is nearly 3. I cannot cope anymore.

We were given our notice on our old place as the landlord wanted to put the rent up (I told him I couldn't afford it). So we contacted another council as the council I was living in wouldn't help me due to me not being in the area long enough.

The other council took us as my partner lives here. We moved in together.

My sons routine has gone. Out the window.....poof.
He hasn't gone to bed at 7 since we moved (before he went to bed without so much as a whinge and slept through).

Now, he stays up, I then lie in bed with him until he falls asleep. If he wakes, I either go to bed or he comes and sleeps on the sofa next to me.

Partner has been in his bed for the last 2 months, whilst he's been in ours with me.

He cries for shit food. Refuses to eat his dinner, breakfast or healthy snacks.

He doesn't listen to me at all.

Tonight, I put him back in his bed (after having it decorated and carpet laid). Led him down, quietly talked to him, told him I wouldn't be laying next to him. He cried for a few minutes but fell asleep. Half an hour later he woke and cried for 40 minutes. I went to calm him but he screamed even louder, grabbed hold of me.

When I finally managed to get out, he ran and grabbed the door before I shut it. Did this 3 times.

I lost it and cried. I can't cope anymore! I need routine.

You sound exhausted and really under a lot of strain, OP. Some kids really find change very difficult, and it sounds like your son's had a lot of change recently.

I wonder if he's picking up on all your stress and worry, too?

I think you need to consider your own peace of mind and happiness as a priority. Can you discuss this with your partner openly? How much pressure you feel, how difficult you are finding it? Parenting is so difficult sometimes, we all need a valve to express how hard it is!

And, this site is great for gentle help wth parenting issues:

www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/toddlers/helping-your-toddler-learn-to-put-himself-to-sleep

I agree with a PP who said , it's when you accept this is just what your DS needs at the moment is when it gets less stressful.

Your GF is just going to have to "suck it up" ,so to speak, for a while longer until everything settles back down, if she really wants the relationship to work.

Right now, sounds horrible but I just want to make himHappy & feel loved & secure

That doesn't sound horrible it sounds the most natural thing a mother wants to do.

You should parent how you want to parent, he is your child and you make the decisions. You sound strong and clear on what you want. Just follow your instinct and do what your DS needs 💐

Okay Op, I’m sure many of us cannot deal with a partner and a constantly stroppy child. I’m sure I would have happily kicked out my husband out of our home to concentrate on DS during difficult times. Unfortunately, that house is also the home of your partner so it is not fair to kick him out just because your child is as unsettled as any child would be in a new environment, let’s not forget why you move in the first place, you were unable to find a place you can afford nearer to your family, if you can’t yet, it is easier to try to sort things out rather than ending up isolated in a place away from your family.

You need some rest no doubt, an exhausted mum doesn’t make a good mum. Tell your partner that you need to focus on your kid for a week to sort things out, he just needs to get back into a routine and learn to sleep in his own room. This is not an either or or situation, you can have both the man and the little man living happily under the same roof, it is just a matter of putting a routine in place, there will be tears no doubt, but you will have a happier and calmer child when the routine is in place.

OP I think you know really what you need to do to do the best by yourself and your son and its not wrong to prioritise him.

Good luck

Wow tell your family to piss off and mind their own business with regards to your decisions.

If they have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

It's not unreasonable to try and get a bedtime routine sorted. It's not unreasonable to co-sleep - if it is something you and your partner are in agreement with.

Your son sees you as his security - you are his safe space - without a doubt he is anxious and nervous and you are the only person he is securely attached to.

It sounds to me like you might need some emotional support though - it sounds to be like you might be depressed.

TiredMama90 When my DD was 3 and my DS was 5, we emigrated. Took them from the UK, and away from literally everyone knew, all except my parents who came with us. All routine went out the window, and into a country where they didn't speak the language to boot. We expected problems, but not to the extent we got. Our DS settled down pretty quick, our DD did not. It sounds like your DS is suffering with anxiety and/or separation anxiety which wouldn't be surprising.

Everything is different, the house, the bedroom, who lives in the house, where other relatives are, there is no anchor for him except you. It will take time and patience but you can do it! Speak to a HV, your GP, or find some books on anxiety.

For my DD, we tried to skype family very regularly to show her they are still there, visit as often as we can, we tried to make our routine, her bedroom as close as possible to how it used to be. I would get calls from Kindergarten that she was naked and screaming and had been for 45 minutes, so I can totally appreciate how difficult it can be.

I just sat and cried. Poured everything out to my gf. She's agreed she needs to cut him more slack (she's no experience with kids).

Has said she will support me & expects me to put him first at all times.

I feel less pressure now but still overwhelmed with our new living situation. Being away from family.

I don’t know if you partner has kids but you need to explain to her that your DS has lost everything familiar and had a massive change.
If you can both help him come through that now you will all be much happier in the long run. If she continues to make you feel like you have to choose then you will put your baby first.

We had issues with sleeping, I put a
comfy chair in DS room and I held him to sleep, otherwise he would headbang and be up dozens of times a night. At first it was 40 minutes
every night. Now it’s 5 minutes and increasingly he wants a cuddle and kiss and straight to bed.

3 is young to have the door shut. Can you move the baby gate to his bedroom and leave the door open? Does he have a nightlight or a grow clock?

Whilst you deal with the sleep issue I wouldn’t worry too much about the food. He won’t starve himself,
does it really matter if he eats beige crap for a couple of months whilst you sort his sleep? All of us who grew up in the late 70’s and 80’s lived on beige and we’re fine

You’re doing a great job! Hang in there it will get easier!

Your DS sounds just like my dd at that age, she was hard work and took hours to get to sleep (with me lying next to her), there were times I lost it, shouted, cried and it was a pretty shit time. She’s 16 in a few weeks and I can’t tell you that those early years were just a tiny part of the last 16 years, things did improve although she’s still hard work at times (in different ways), she’s a very intelligent child and highly strung, she’s also a very anxious child. Your doing the right thing by walking away when you feel stressed, leaving him to go into another room is better than shouting or getting angry with him. Things will get easier.

Cross posted. Excellent that your partner is being supportive!

Be kind to yourself, you are doing great!

It is normal I am afraid. You just need to persevere and you will get though it. Stay strong.

I think a lot of the stress is not coming from your Ds but everyone else who has an opinion.

Do you think if you were on your own in the flat he would be back in a routine by now.

The stress of having your gf wanting your attention doesn’t exactly create a stress free atmosphere in which you can do a stress free bedtime routine

That’s good to hear. Make sure you spend lots of time with him without gf too. I’m sure you have done it but talk to him about the new situation and tell him you will always love him and he is the most important person in the world to you.

OP, we moved down the road to a new house and it unsettled my two DC. This was an un expected move which we prepared the kids for as best we could in the time we had. School, local area etc have all remained the same. But it still had an impact.

I think everyone is expecting far too much from your DC. You have to prioritise your DC. Give them lots of reassurance and affection during the day. Do you talk about the changes that have happened with them? I've never been one for co-sleeping. Are you able to put a mattress on your DC floor so that you can lie with them in their room?

It is easy for everyone to be hard faced about your DC, but they're not their mum, YOU are and YOU need to do what is best for your DC. If it costs you your relationship, then so be it.

@TiredMama90 I remember sitting on my kids bedroom floor, slowly withdrawing each night, an inch or two closer to the door. I used to read my own book, which helped relax me.

It sounds like having no support from partner (and by extension, family) on your parenting decisions is a huge cause in your own feelings of dealing with this. Whilst I can understand your partner feeling frustrated over the sleeping arrangements, I think you need to explain to her that you need her support to feel better mentally in yourself and less exhausted. Do you think she could do that for you?

OP try not to be so hard on yourself - I have a 3 year old too and they are relentless creatures! Could it be that when you first moved you "gave in" to comfort him as you felt guilty (for want of a better word) about moving and now it's got to a point whereby he has learned to cry at bedtime to get what he wants? You're feeling stressed because you've had to move away from your family. Can you try putting him in his bed and sitting on the floor with your back to him. Whenever he gets out of bed, just return him without saying anything and you go back to sitting on the floor with your back to him? It will take time but you'll get there. Maybe a t-shirt you've been wearing thay day for him to go to bed with? I would also certainly recommend speaking to your HV/GP about depression. I vaguely remember them talking about delayed post natal depression and that people don't realise it can come on 2-3 years after the birth of your child. Good luck OP

Just seen your update, I'm glad gf is supportive, I think that will help you feel less isolated.

One step at a time, it will get better.

You sound exhausted

Going to sleep can be an issue for lots of children, whether they've moved house or not. My DS (11) was always clingy at bedtime, far more than DD. I'd definitely recommend a couple of nightlights and we also had a projector night light that rotated and projected animal shapes on the ceiling. It was pretty cool and we all liked it - think we ended up with two so we could swap them around! That was a great distraction, we'd lie on the bed (or I'd lie on the carpet) and look at the shapes while chatting. Sometimes I'd make up stories about the animals, etc. and he'd drop off.

We still keep his door open at night and he has a lamp that stays on. Don't beat yourself up about this, it'll get better.

All seems like normal behaviour to me. It's hard work being a parent. Contact your gp or health visitor for professional advice and a referral to local support services

I think you should take a step back from yourself relationship and concentrate on your son, like you said you can't please both and it is clearly terribly effecting your son.
Could you not ask her to move out and still be together until you have figured a routine with your son

Whatever else, it sounds like you’re exhausted and are more likely to lose patience at night if you don’t have a break during the day. Does he go to nursery? Do you get a break?

There’s an organisation called Home Start it might be worth contacting. They can’t do anything about your wee one not sleeping but you can be assigned a volunteer who can just support you a bit and take the pressure off.

Is your partner his Dad? I can't work out if you moved in for first time with your new partner?
If so it is likely something to do with that. Having someone else in house, not getting as much attention.
Do you leave DS alone with him?

I would make a bedtime picture-board of his routine, you could do it with photo's and make it with him.
Supper - bath - play - cuddle - story - bed or whatever your routine is and really try to stick to it - kids want routine, it makes them feel secure.
If he won't stay in bed, try putting a chair in the doorway for you to sit on and either read to him very quietly from there, so his room is still dark for sleeping or if you don't want to read more then try 'oxbridge fairy tales' on your phone and listen to those together until he drops off.
Eventually you can leave the 'phone on the chair playing the audio story whilst you nip to the loo etc - always come back but you will make these breaks longer and longer.
You must keep calm as shouting will upset him and he won't sleep then.
This stage WILL pass. Good luck.

Sorry just saw partner is female. Did you post a few months back saying new partner thinks you give toddler too much attention?