To call SS?

[TiredMama90]

I need help.

My son is nearly 3. I cannot cope anymore.

We were given our notice on our old place as the landlord wanted to put the rent up (I told him I couldn't afford it). So we contacted another council as the council I was living in wouldn't help me due to me not being in the area long enough.

The other council took us as my partner lives here. We moved in together.

My sons routine has gone. Out the window.....poof.
He hasn't gone to bed at 7 since we moved (before he went to bed without so much as a whinge and slept through).

Now, he stays up, I then lie in bed with him until he falls asleep. If he wakes, I either go to bed or he comes and sleeps on the sofa next to me.

Partner has been in his bed for the last 2 months, whilst he's been in ours with me.

He cries for shit food. Refuses to eat his dinner, breakfast or healthy snacks.

He doesn't listen to me at all.

Tonight, I put him back in his bed (after having it decorated and carpet laid). Led him down, quietly talked to him, told him I wouldn't be laying next to him. He cried for a few minutes but fell asleep. Half an hour later he woke and cried for 40 minutes. I went to calm him but he screamed even louder, grabbed hold of me.

When I finally managed to get out, he ran and grabbed the door before I shut it. Did this 3 times.

I lost it and cried. I can't cope anymore! I need routine.

Admittedly, I am depressed.

I was put on new tablets over a year ago, until October, they had worked amazingly well.

Then we moved and I've had them doubled.

It's never his fault. I'm his mother, I should be ensuring he feels safe. Feels loved and cared for, no matter what I'm going through.

I certainly don't want to just "throw" my partner out because it's getting tough but I can't have my parenting questioned just because it doesn't suit her.

I was this little boys mother before me and her got back in contact.

We had a great routine. He woke at the same time everyday (albeit very very early), ate all his breakfast, lunch and dinner (of course still wanted his crappy snacks).

We worked amazingly on our own, in our own space.
He only slept in with me if he wasn't feeling well but always went back in his room with 0 issues.

I'm just at a loss due to the upheaval for all of us.

Childhood is confusing as it is for him. I can't imagine how he feels in regards to one day living near nanny and mummy being happy, to the next living away from nanny and mummy always being sad and frustrated.

I regret this move. We only did it because I wouldn't have got the place I did if it wasn't for my partner (local connection to the area).

It’s so good that you’ve been able to have a talk about this with your gf.
It’s absolutely right that she puts DS first too. If you are important to her then by extension your DS needs to be important to her too because you come as a pair and one of you is 3 and is struggling to get used to the massive changes he’s dealing with.

You don’t need to be in the middle of an upset gf who is pressuring you to rush through sleep training and sort out behaviour resulting from insecurity and unfamiliarity. These things can’t be ‘done’ to order to a deadline.

Hopefully with the pressure off your DS will start to acclimatise to his new life. What your DSIS thinks about co-sleeping is wrong - it’s way more common than she believes and your DM sounds to have a selective memory about the sleeping arrangements she had with your DB during his early years !

It sounds like you need some tlc and support too after all the turmoil and getting used to your new place away from family.

Try not to be hard on yourself. You’re going through a lot and you are exhausted mentally and physically. It will get better. This isn’t forever. Take whatever support you can get from HV and don’t expect yourself to be perfect.

That's good OP that she is understanding now, so tough

My sister (who hasn't had kids yet), likes to tell me how it's weird, "no one else does it!".

Apparently I'm "babying" him too much.

Op, I co sleep some night, and mine are a lot older... and he’s three he is a baby really. He’s just moved and had massive changes.
You gf needs to work on making attachments with him to make him feel secure. Not being strict, not yet anyway. Going to sleep on your own for a child is hard and in a new environment can be scary.

You’re doing a great job.. it’s those around who need to up their game.

I've got 2 children 2 and 3, niether have ever gone to bed early or easily, they usually end up in our bed if they aren't already at the start of the night. I don't really understand why you are so upset? If he wants you stay with him and cuddle him then do that. I'm currently lied on my bed with both my children FINALLY asleep either side of me. Maybe I'm just used to it and don't really ever get an evening with my husband (it's usually one of us in with either child reading and cuddling them until God knows when). They are only little for a few years, stop stressing over this 7pm thing and go and sit with him.

I've no idea what you are anticipating SS are going to do with a toddler who doesn't subscribe to your routine and timings?!

Lots of good advice on here. Purely in terms of helping your DS feel more settled, I'm just going to chuck some ideas out:

• Something that smells of you in his bed (a t shirt you've slept in, etc)
• a photo of you by his bed (also lots of family photos up around the flat)
• A picture schedule up in the kitchen that you put together each day so he knows what's going to happen
• A kitchen calendar where you write on it when he'll be visiting nanny / aunty, you can count down the "sleeps" together
• find your new local playground / shop, and go there, on foot, a lot. It helps to build a sense of his new world (and you can take photos to put on your schedule ). Also by popping out on a lot of short errands, you get to come home again, over and over. Each time you come home again, it helps build security.

I have an almost 3 Yr old who for the last few months has slept through in their own bed about twice. Most nights they end up in with me, fighting sleeping, wriggling about, hitting into me etc etc basically driving me crazy. I'm so tired and I have another baby.
I remember my friend and brother had this same moan around the time their children were 3.

It seems its common phase.
Try to accept it and look at it differently it won't last forever.
They are still so young and just need us for a little comfort and one day they will be mortified with the idea or snuggling you in bed.

Lower your expectations at bed time and be more at peace with it. Your child has had a big upheaval moving house it's a bit stress for us adults it will be so overwhelming to your child.
Make a point of playing in their bedroom during the day, maximise how comfortable they are in the room. And lots of extra snuggles.

Maybe try lying together in their bed with stories during the day.

Do you have anyone other than your partner who could maybe baby sit one night to let you get a little break or night out?

Be kind to yourself.

Please don't shut the door on him!

You sound a bit rattled by the move so imagine what he might be feeling!
This too shall pass.
What does your daily/weekly routine look like? Does he attend nursery? Do you work?

Do you make sure you get plenty of 1 on 1 time with him so you can have little chats about his day/his thoughts/ what he's feeling - I know it sounds odd but it really does help.

Is it routine he is unsettled about or the fact he has moved in with a stranger as well as moving away from everything he knows. I get needing somewhere to live and desperate times and all that but, my first thought was in regards to a new person as well as the move rather than the move alone. Routine should be easy enough to get back into hit he needs to feel safe and happy in his new room.

It doesn't matter if routines have to be suspended at times. Most of us have periods where it's just about getting through. I know some will disagree but if it comes to it, let him sleep when he's tired where he wants, let him eat what he'll eat. Just take the pressure off till things are more settled.

Moving has really been a shock to him.
Cuddle him. Love him. Reassure him. Help him decorate his new room.
But please please do not shut the door on a toddler simply crying because his world has suddenly got all muddled

Although nearly 3. He can't talk yet. He's very behind as he has a hearing problem (waiting on grommets).
He understands most of what I say though.

He is most likely unsettled as at the start, my gf would only stay at the weekends, he knew she would eventually leave. Now she comes home every evening. We spend all but 3 hours of the days together (unless it's half term).

He enjoys pre school but usually hates it when I drop him off.
Settles quickly though.

Generally follows me everywhere I go within the flat. It's rare he sits and waits for me to come back (unless he's eating).

I keep telling everyone that it won't last forever but get told "how he is raised now, is how he'll be when he's older. You are setting him up for failure. Making a rod for your own back".

Pressure from others.
I just want to raise him MY way!

Glad you've talked to your partner, OP.

still overwhelmed with our new living situation. Being away from family.

Can you do Skype, phone calls, more visits to make up for that?

He doesn't deserve to be shoved in his room & have the door shut on him. He didn't sleep with his door shut for over a year (because a stair gate wouldn't allow the door to close).

You’re right, he doesn’t so STOP doing it.

What is wrong with staying with him whilst he falls asleep? What it wrong with helping your 3 year old to feel secure? He’s not long out of the baby years.

Your partner is not important here; your child is. If you don’t make your partner understand it you will fight her throughout your boy’s childhood.

You must always be on his side, as there’s no one else who’ll be more committed to your child than you.

I'm a pathetic people pleaser. I do things to make sure others are happy too, even if they haven't specifically asked.

But then I wake up and realise I'm only making my son & I, unhappy.

He deserves better & much much more.

He's not a bad child, certainly not unruly & definitely doesn't "rule to roost". He's simply cheeky, mischievous & incredibly curious.

He needs to hold my hand whilst he sleeps. I have to squeeze it otherwise he grabs my hand & makes me press his arm. He is terribly clingy, 99% of the time, I don't mind but the other 1% admittedly it becomes tiresome.

I get stressed more because my partner will say "don't pick him up, make him walk". "Don't cuddle him! You give in far too much". "Do not! Let him eat your dinner, he has to learn". "Don't let him sit all over you".

Your partner is not his parent.. Jesus Christ put your kid first fs. You keep coming back to the thread with excuse after excuse, do things your own way and stay with your son until he is asleep, let him fall asleep to the tv if that will help. He doesn’t feel secure or settled, you have to make him feel that way in the new place. Start putting him first because at the moment it seems like you aren’t.

Christ. Kick a mother whilst she's down

Thanks for your help.

OP, not sure if you can as new around here, but please feel free to message me. Sounds like maybe you’re struggling a bit and need a helping hand! Children are hard work sometimes and it’s ok not to have it all perfectly balanced

I have a child with hearing impairment and he's 2 1/2. He sounds a lot like your child - he's very attached to me and I think part of the reason why is because he can communicate with me better than anyone and we are very closely bonded as a result. I lie with him when he falls asleep, I run to him when he cries. That isn't making a rod, the rod is the insecurity that creeps in when they think you won't be there for them when they need you.

Your partner doesn't sound like a great step parent in the making OP, I'm sorry because I know you're vulnerable and worried and I don't want to be horrible. But you don't have a DS problem, you have a DP problem. She needs to respect that your child will always take priority and you will always be there for him no matter what.

And as for the food, just let him eat what he wants. If that's toast 3 times a day then so be it. They put vitamins in bread and pasta and all sorts now

Maybe it's the move? They are well aware at 3 where their home is/was. Probably unsettled.

On the other hand my 3 year old is behaving exactly like this at the moment going to bed at usual bedtime, coming in to my bed every night, refusing to eat meals and being defiant. So I think it could also be normal 3 year old behaviour. I 'love bomb' ( not sure if that is the right word) mine when I sense he is unsettled

• not going to bed

Op I've got a grandson the same age. I can try to reassure you that this is normal behaviour. Especially if you have moved him away from his nan! I do have some advice which I've said to my dd on nye.
Don't raise your voice (there's no reason to shout at a 3yo)
Be calm always regardless if he is crying or upset.
Be open and loving 100pc of the time. Do not close any doors on him their is definitely no reason. If he doesn't settle go to sleep with him (I usto pretend I was sleeping that always worked ) listen play cuddle don't let anyone get in the way of your bond with your DS that's very important. Poor boy he has moved and that is enough to feel for him. I say to my dd to treat my GS like he is a king which in my eyes he is. Give him what he wants and encourage healthy eating. Don't feel like a failure if he doesn't eat his dinner. Treat him like he is the best person that has ever walked the earth. (As all sons are to their mums) respect him completely! You can do this op no need for hv ss you can do it in a calm and grown-up way.

Listen to fligglepige that's right on the nose. You have a dp problem not a DS problem.