To think that I could be autistic?

[Strugglingfemale]

I know Aibu might not be the best place but posting for traffic/experiences.

I'm 37 and I've struggled my whole life socially. Mainly anxiety but can get a bit depressed too. I've been reading up about autism in women and some of it seems familiar. Especially the bits about copying other people's behaviour in social situations.

These are some of the things I struggle with.

I can't cope with lots of people. I always just thought I was an introvert/anxious, but I get totally overwhelmed in groups. I'll avoid situations socially, even with family if there are too many people because it all just becomes like a big buzz of noise.

Same with work, I work in a team and although I like everyone individually, I can't bear it when the whole team is in, much prefer it when a few are on annual leave even if it means I'm busier as there's less people to deal with.

I'm pretty noise intolerant.

I really really struggle with any changes to plans. To the point it totally messes with my head my brain can't process it and I can even get angry or upset.

I struggle to relate to most people, so at work people with be chatting about what's in the news usually celeb gossip or tv like Love Island or the Royal Family and I just wonder why are they going on about this stuff it's pointless.

I've got a real thing about clothes and shoes, i do like to dress fashionably but comfort has to come first, I can't stand feeling restricted in my clothing. I will often look at peoples feet just say a woman in high heels, or someone wearing hard shoes with no socks and I get a bit fixated thinking how uncomfortable their feet must be.

When I was a child/teenager I was never interested in the typical stuff like boy bands and would just pretend.

I'm fine chatting to people and make small talk, but often feel it's quite pointless and I'm just saying what I know I should say. I can also be quite literal and offend people really without meaning to, to rectify this I will just not speak or just stick to safe conversations. I also think I take people literally I seem to remember every thing people say.

There are probably loads more examples but it's getting a bit long now.

Getting a diagnosis is helpful because then you can be offered the correct help/medication and coping strategies. I'm currently waiting for a diagnosis appointment not for autism, but I used to loathe the thought of a 'label' but actually, if I can get the right help and manage my mental illness its better than going through the motions and not knowing. Best of luck OP, do what you feel is best for you

I have done the test and similar tests, I always get slightly over the threshold

• in this case 37. I am beginning to think I am autistic.

I always plan things to the nth degree. So if I am visiting a city I'll work out what I want to visit, how to get from one thing to another, where to have a coffee, where to eat, and I'll download the menu in advance and pick what I'm going to eat. But I'll still manage to be late leaving to visit it, I really struggle with time - i find it so hard to estimate how long normal things take and time just alwaye runs away with me. I wonder if anyone else finds this?

Interesting about remembering what people have said - I find I am very focused on particular people, I either like people or I completely ignore them, its just too much physical and emotional effort to talk to people I'm not interested in. But if I like someone I'll remember so many silly conversations and feel like a stalker, I'll meet someone a few years later and say 'I changed the recipe as you dont like mushrooms do you' and they will look at me like I'm crazy.

I am not tactile at all and just cant hug people other than my husband and kids, it feels so awkward I just stand there like an idiot.

I always find I have a 'male brain's in tests eg more factual, less emotional and a lot of my friends are male.

I become slightly obsessed with obscure subjects and read up on stats on them. I did stats at uni, and have a job in a related field.

I also struggle with changes of plan especially if I'm not in control of them (when I visit my husbands home country and him and his friends are all making plans in their native language and I cant contribute and we were supposed to eat in one town but suddenly we're going to a different town to meet different friends - things like that really stress me out even though it doesnt make any difference to me and I struggle to articulate why.

At work I really struggle with small talk and the 'sales' type aspects but somehow I muddle though because technically I'm very good. I really really struggle with creative things eg brainstorming and I can't do role plays. I am described as 'blunt' often and very stubborn. I dont have loads of friends but the few I do have are very low drama, straightforward and once I'm friends with someone I seem to be friends with them for life.

I haven't yet pursued a diagnosis as it feels like it would be taking resources away from someone who really 'needs it', and I'm not sure what difference it would make day to day other than feeling more like it isn't my fault or I would fit in better if I tried harder. Also I cant justify the money privately.

I went to the GP and asked for referral. He asked me a couple of questions as to why I thought I might have ASD, then referred me. Letter within 2 weeks that I'd been put on the waiting list, phone call only a few weeks later, offering an appointment for assessment. Got my diagnosis within 3 months of referral, aged 38.

For me, it was just a relief knowing what is wrong with me. I've struggled badly all my life, can't cope with so many things, really don't understand people and don't fit in socially. I've previously been diagnosed with a lot of other conditions - comorbidities, as I now know - but the lightbulb moment only came when my youngest was flagged up at preschool, he'd always been so much like me. I did the test online (not the one on this thread - it was a very long detailed one which gives scores for several sub traits) and scored very high, that's when the puzzle pieces started falling into place for me.

My life hasn't really changed since the diagnosis (as PPs said there's no support or anything after diagnosis) but I understand myself better as a result.

My adult DD was diagnosed last year; she went private. I strongly believe both my adult DS's are also on the spectrum and they have a different dad to my DD.

I did the online test 3 times and the lowest I've scored is 35; the last time I scored 40. I think I've learned to adjust to and cope and my main area of difficulty is the social communication side, my tendency to take things literally and dealing with change,, even things like having to take the same route to work everyday or I feel overwhelmingly upset. The sensory stuff is not so strong for me. I've always had high levels of anxiety and used to have awful panic attacks when in unfamiliar situations and places.

When I frame my life experiences through an ASC lens so much makes sense to me and I am considering whether to seek a referral for screening and then assessment if it's indicated.
So I identify with alot of what has been said here, OP, especially with feeling on the outside, wanting to be part of but unable to deal with people.

"I too think I am autistic as I can relate to SOME of what you describe"

I hate this!!!

You can have a bad back or feel sick it doesn't make you pregnant!!

To be diagnosed on the autistic spectrum you have to tick all the boxes.

I did find it hard for the first GP I raised this with to take me seriously.
Because I dared to be self diagnosing and they implied I can't have struggled that badly in my youth with my collection of qualifications and whatnot. However, once I got past that hurdle it was a slow but predictable path to diagnosis.

#not all the boxes.

Hi op, I'm in my late 30's and am on a waiting list for an NHS assessment. There's some brilliant Facebook groups for autistic women that I've found to be very supportive. Socially I really struggle and I've found it much harder to mask as I get older. I'm only able to work part time now as my anxiety gets really bad otherwise. I'd definitely recommend seeking an assessment even if it's just to help you to gain a greater understanding of yourself.

My husband had suspected for years he was autistic, at 45 he went to the gp was quickly referred to a phyciatrist. Had a very informal chat about his life and experiences then received a diagnosis. He hasn't really felt the need to tell anyone but has made him much more comfortable in his own skin.

Some behaviours, at the higher end, that get people labelled as autistic, and by extension 'wrong' or 'disabled' in Britain are considered perfectly normal and even actively desired in other cultures.

You don't get labelled as autistic, you get diagnosed. And there is no "higher end" of the spectrum. That's not how the spectrum works. If you are diagnosed with autism then you are by definition disabled, because in order to get the diagnosis it needs to have a "significant affect on your functioning in everyday life."
All high functioning autism means is that the person doesn't have a learning disability, it says nothing about the severity of the person's autism or how well they function (or don't) in day to day life.
I'm sick of people who propgate the whole "Aspergers is just being different, not disabled" crap.
We aren't all super high functioning math or computer geniuses, we don't all have special interests or talents we can make a living out of.

You don't get "labelled" as being autistic because of a few behaviours, you get diagnosed because you have impairments in the three areas of the triad of impairments.

Not much to add, but something that interests me: you might want to look up the possible cultural reasons for autism. Some behaviours, at the higher end, that get people labelled as autistic, and by extension 'wrong' or 'disabled' in Britain are considered perfectly normal and even actively desired in other cultures. Look it up.

Wow. Autism is not fucking cultural.

You know I'm some cultures marrying 12 year olds is ok, so should be consider that 'normal' here too

I can't even find the right words to explain how offensive you are but I would advise you stay off the thread and not derail it so ridiculously.

I was assessed a few years ago & told it's "probably just social anxiety." Except the reasons they gave me for not diagnosing ASD were things I struggle with, I just didn't know how to express that in a way that they would understand because, umm, I have difficulty understanding & expressing myself a lot... The letter they sent me afterwards was completely different to what they told me at the time & didn't say that I met some of the criteria, the man definitely said that to me!

They were clearly comparing me to criteria based on boys with no awareness of the differences in presentation in women. I'd like to go private but it'll take a while for me to save up enough to do it & I can't honestly see a time when there won't be more pressing demands on my finances.

If you don't like the phrases 'higher end' and 'lower end' of the spectrum, how would you prefer to describe the very clear differences between, e.g. a non-verbal 20 year old in nappies, and the people posting on this thread?

The idea of the spectrum is that different things affect people differently. I have what many would call a 'high functioning' DS, I hate that term. Often he is anything but high functioning. It depends what you are asking him to do.

If you want to differentiate between someone who is non verbal and someone who isn't you can quite simply say just that.

Autism" is a very broad 'condition' or whatever you want to call it

OP I'm sorry for derailing here but this kind of shit is damaging.

My daughter was diagnosed last year. It has made me question a lot about myself as we share a lot of traits esp the sensory issues.
We are learning a lot about her but I only started to think about myself when she told me how she didnt like to look into peoples eyes. I have never told anyone, not even my husband, but I dont like doing this either as I feel like if I do then they might see into the window of my soul - a bit hard to explain.
I just took that AQ test and got 29.
I am highly empathetic and I dont know of it's possible to have too much empathy? I absorb it from everyone I meet and it is physically and emotionally exhausting.
I dont know if I know who I am really. I have spent the last few years trying to work it out.

My daughter is 'high functioning' but currently so crippled with anxiety and communication issues that she is anything but. It isnt a helpful label tbh.

I know what you're getting at I'mGoingTo, take no notice of the aggressive attitude of some posters.

Wow. Some of the people on this thread are so reactive and simply downright nasty.

Some of the people on this thread are so reactive and simply downright nasty.

If you mean me then yes, of course I'm 'reactive'

My autism isn't a fucking cultural difference.

I know what you're getting at I'mGoingTo, take no notice of the aggressive attitude of some posters.

You know what they are getting at

Interesting how the posts I reported have been deleted.

Autism isn't a cultural difference