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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So frustrated of conversations with DC like this. AIBU or is DC.

120 replies

Garbosdinner · 03/01/2020 20:21

I keep getting in to little squabbles with DC because I think we are both not explaining ourselves correctly. I'm not sure who is at fault, if anyone. It happens a lot.

For context they went out this morning shopping with a friend (in London). I've spoken to them once and stayed in what's app contact for the rest of the day. Here is tonight's exchange over what's app.

[03/01, 19:29] 🙄: Where are you

[03/01, 19:58] ××× ❤: We went to the other Westfield’s

[03/01, 19:58] 🙄: The question was ... where are you now

[03/01, 19:58] ××××❤: We went to the other Westfield’s

[03/01, 20:00] 🙄: The question was... where are you now.
How can you not see that your previous answer could mean that you was at the other Westfields but you are now at kings cross.
I ask again.. where are you now.

[03/01, 20:00] xxxx ❤: Then I would have said that I went to the other Westfield’s and now we’re at kings cross

[03/01, 20:03] 🙄: Why on earth would you have said that? I asked where you are now.

[03/01, 20:04] xxxx ❤: And I said we might go the other Westfield’s so I said we went to the other Westfield’s

[03/01, 20:05] 🙄: Yes you did indeed. But then I asked you where you are NOW.... 'we went to Westfields' implies you was at Westfields but that you are no longer there!

OP posts:

katewhinesalot · 04/01/2020 00:15

I'd have been confused too.

Scbchl · 04/01/2020 00:18

He made complete sense to me. He is at the other Westfields.

Butchyrestingface · 04/01/2020 01:46

His message was perfectly intelligible to me.

Any confusion could have been easily cleared up by asking “are you still there?”

ActualHornist · 04/01/2020 12:50

This thread is hilarious! Hark at all the mothers who never get even the slightest bit cross with their teenage offspring, while they both use absolutely perfect spelling and grammar via text message.

‘We went ‘ is not an answer to ‘where are you now?’.

Original poster

Garbosdinner · 04/01/2020 17:52

@ActualHornist

OP posts:

XXcstatic · 04/01/2020 18:08

His first answer means that he is at the other Westfield. He's texting, not writing a dissertation. I might have double-checked he was still there if I was about to drive miles to collect him, but his meaning is clear to anyone not trying to be pointlessly pedantic.

lilgreen · 04/01/2020 18:26

@ActualHornist couldn’t have put it better!

ConnorRipley · 04/01/2020 18:30

You asked your question in the present tense and he replied using the past tense, and it was an indirect answer to a very direct question. DH communicates like this sometimes and it drives me mental.

Howgreenwasmyvalley · 04/01/2020 18:44

God knows how you think we managed with our teenagers before there were mobile phones. We didn't have a clue where they were, and I would have hated it it if my parents were constantly wanting to know where I was.

Reallybadidea · 04/01/2020 18:56

I find it pretty odd to be in such close contact with a 17yo who is out shopping, in this country, with friends. I thought you were going to say they were 13 or 14. I have a child the same age - if he's driving then I ask him just to let me know when he arrives safely. Otherwise I just ask for a rough eta.

I'm astonished by the whole conversation tbh. You came across as deliberately obtuse, petty and unnecessarily antagonistic.

lilgreen · 04/01/2020 19:02

To be fair to op it was 7.30pm and in London, I would be checking where my 17 yr old was too. She wasn’t demanding his return.

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 04/01/2020 19:04

In context I think his replies are more logical and coherent than yours, certainly. I also think "are you still there?" would've been an easier way to acquire the specific information you wanted.

lilgreen · 04/01/2020 19:09

It’s all so easy in hindsight!

amaryl · 04/01/2020 19:09

I think the dyslexia is very relevant
That’s the type of response I get to every question
Text or otherwise!

Original poster

Garbosdinner · 04/01/2020 19:16

I hadn't been contacting him all day. Read up the thread.

I was absolutely being pedantic and antagonistic because I was sick of our conversations being played out like this. All he had to do was say where he was.

If keeping tabs on a 17 year old out with a female friend in London is over the top, then so be it.

The reason I wanted to know where he was because if something happened I'd know his last location (ish) and I was picking him up from the station so wanted to gauge a rough time.

Seriously, when did being in contact with your kids become wrong? We message loads a day.. equally.

OP posts:

lljkk · 04/01/2020 19:31

I wondered WHY you're asking where he is, was he late, were you trying to plan for when he'd eat his tea, why did you need to know at 7:29pm? I find you get better engagement if there's a reason why you want to know, beyond "I expect to keep tabs on you." Tabs = control.

Will you insist on keeping such close tabs on him after he turns 18?

When the first phrasing fails then try something that requires a simpler yes/no answer. Ie, could have had convo

[03/01, 19:29] 🙄: Where are you

[03/01, 19:58] ××× ❤: We went to the other Westfield’s

[03/01, 19:58] 🙄: So that means you're at Kings X! Kaydoke

[03/01, 19:58] ××××❤: No. I meant the other Westfield’s [not Kings X]

[03/01, 19:58] 🙄: Ah. Thx.

user1498572889 · 04/01/2020 19:31

Why do you need to know where he is? I just used to txt mine “are you ok” if the answer was yes I was happy. He is a teenage boy if that’s the sort of conversations you have with him I am not surprised you are butting heads. Give him some privacy.

Newmumatlast · 04/01/2020 20:04

Tbh some of your responses to people in this thread are a bit snipey for no real reason. Similarly rather than being pedantic you could've clarified your first question as other posters have said, it being clear from your DCs response that there was a miscommunication/you weren't getting the response you required

Reallybadidea · 04/01/2020 20:12

I hadn't been contacting him all day. Read up the thread

Is that aimed at me? It isn't clear...
Assuming it is, then I didn't say you'd been contacting him all day. I said 'close contact'. I do think that you messaging him a couple of times and him phoning you 3 times, along with your absolute insistence upon knowing his location is excessive. Why would something happen to him? It used to be normal for 17 year olds to go out for the day without parents knowing their precise movements.

It's not 'wrong' as such to message your child obviously. But he's nearly an adult and IMO you don't need to "keep tabs on him". No idea of the relevance of his friend being female either.

chergar · 04/01/2020 20:31

I cannot understand this conversation at all, it makes no sense.

Unless the "where are you?" Was meant as "I thought you would be home by now and you aren't, where are you and why are you late?"

Dcs response "we went to other Westfield's" then makes sense as it has added time on to the journey/outing.

Your response should then have been "when do you think you will be home?" Or "are you still there?"

Asking the same question repeatedly isn't going to give you a different answer, clarifying what you meant might.

It all seems a bit blown out of proportion though.

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