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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So frustrated of conversations with DC like this. AIBU or is DC.

120 replies

Garbosdinner · 03/01/2020 20:21

I keep getting in to little squabbles with DC because I think we are both not explaining ourselves correctly. I'm not sure who is at fault, if anyone. It happens a lot.

For context they went out this morning shopping with a friend (in London). I've spoken to them once and stayed in what's app contact for the rest of the day. Here is tonight's exchange over what's app.

[03/01, 19:29] 🙄: Where are you

[03/01, 19:58] ××× ❤: We went to the other Westfield’s

[03/01, 19:58] 🙄: The question was ... where are you now

[03/01, 19:58] ××××❤: We went to the other Westfield’s

[03/01, 20:00] 🙄: The question was... where are you now.
How can you not see that your previous answer could mean that you was at the other Westfields but you are now at kings cross.
I ask again.. where are you now.

[03/01, 20:00] xxxx ❤: Then I would have said that I went to the other Westfield’s and now we’re at kings cross

[03/01, 20:03] 🙄: Why on earth would you have said that? I asked where you are now.

[03/01, 20:04] xxxx ❤: And I said we might go the other Westfield’s so I said we went to the other Westfield’s

[03/01, 20:05] 🙄: Yes you did indeed. But then I asked you where you are NOW.... 'we went to Westfields' implies you was at Westfields but that you are no longer there!

OP posts:
waterrat · 03/01/2020 22:03

I understand it's frustrating not to get a clear answer - but when I read your OP I thought you were talking to a much younger child.

He's more or less an adult - it's not appropriate to pester him about where he is. If he isn't answering clearly I would just either ask a simple question like - I need to know where you are because X or leave him alone and accept he doesn't feel like talking to you

I mean - I know this is real old git chat but I'm 42 and when I was 17 thank god there were no phones so my mum couldn't whatsapp/ text or call me at any time.

HoldMyLobster · 03/01/2020 22:05

The boy is using American English. The mum is reading it as UK English Hence the miscommunication.

What is the boy saying that is 'American'?

Original poster
Garbosdinner · 03/01/2020 22:28

We have a lovely relationship! He has just got home and showed me all the things he has bought.

Yes he is 17 and yes I need to know he is safe. I only ask him to turn on location when he is abroad without me, so don't feel comfortable with that when he is just on a day out.

Is it really so odd to keep in touch with your child when they are out ? It was hardly regular contact.. over the last few years contact while he is out has massively reduced to minimal contact.

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 03/01/2020 22:29

It's obvious (to me) that it is you that is the poor communicator OP. I honestly don't understand how you didn't 'get' what he was saying.
Or, if you did, why you felt the need to push for a more 'acceptable' response despite actually knowing what he meant.
That kind of pedantic behaviour would be very tiresome

BreatheAndFocus · 03/01/2020 22:32

I found the replies confusing, OP. I wouldn’t have been totally clear where your DC was at that moment.

But I think sometimes with teens you have to bite your tongue and reply positively while trying to get a straight answer eg “Ok. That’s nice you went to the other Westfields : ) Are you still there now?”

I’ve found any hint of disapproval or scolding or serious questioning only prolongs the tortuous conversations, so you have to choose your words carefully while getting the info you want.

ainsisoisje · 03/01/2020 22:35

I think his reply was clear where he was but you pushed him to spell it out and reply in your terms.

Original poster
Garbosdinner · 03/01/2020 22:40

His reply really wasn't clear to me. If it made any sense I wouldn't have had to ask him again!

Maybe it's my brain.

OP posts:
Cleoscats · 03/01/2020 22:44

Yabu

lilgreen · 03/01/2020 22:48

I find similar text conversations with my teen DDs. It feels like we have so much opportunity to communicate and yet we still miss the mark. My pet hate is 5 texts in quick succession instead of using punctuation !!

lilgreen · 03/01/2020 22:50

His first reply wasn’t clear and you got annoyed which caused unnecessary aggravation but I get you, it drives you mad sometimes.

Greenpop21 · 03/01/2020 22:51

I agree with @BreatheAndFocus as texts can come across very bluntly without vocal tone so you almost have to be extra positive at times.

Kalifa · 03/01/2020 22:56

What is “other Westfield’s? How many are there close to each other?

Anyway, whatever it is, your kid said they were there.
I think you are terrible....
I wouldn’t like to be certain people’s kid.

NearlyGranny · 03/01/2020 23:05

I have a friend like this! She invited us for dinner, so I messaged asking her for her new address and what time she wanted us to arrive and she messaged back with two suggested items we could bring!

I think the issue with friend and your DC is that they don't actually read the message! They see the sender and assume they know what you'll say.

You could do that screenshotty thing of forwarding the same question with your DC until they get it. I just retyped for friend though.

Some people! 🤷🏻‍♀️

ferntwist · 03/01/2020 23:08

DC is being cheeky and trying to be a smart arse. Sorry PPs, OP is not BU.

Turquiose · 03/01/2020 23:17

Had similar with mine the other day. Couldn't work out if she would be staying there or coming home there for dinner. Think she just wanted to get off the phone and back to her mates. We also have a good relationship but sometimes hard to work out esp when she mistypes when she's in a hurry! Frustrating but funny too.

GeorgeTheFirst · 03/01/2020 23:22

Why didn't you just reply "are you still there?"

Turquiose · 03/01/2020 23:22

I have been known to send a 'whaaa?!' in response with a silly emoji or a? that works as I get a clearer response plus a silly emoji back like a 🐊 or a vegetable! 😂

BIgBagofJelly · 03/01/2020 23:25

YABU. The problem was that there was a slight miscommunication (happens all the time) which you then unnecessarily propagated by stubbornly repeating your wording rather than just rephrasing like a normal person.

Convo should have gone:

03/01, 19:29] 🙄: Where are you

[03/01, 19:58] ××× ❤: We went to the other Westfield’s

[03/01, 19:58] 🙄: Ok but where are you now, at Kings Cross?

[03/01, 19:58] ××××❤: Yup at Kings X now x

Would have been much quicker but you tried to prove a point instead of just clarifying what you meant.

Ellisandra · 03/01/2020 23:30

It’s a bit of a clumsy reply, but it was fairly obvious what he meant - and you only needed to ask more directly to check. You made a mountain out of a mole hill.
You don’t use question marks yourself, so you expect him to work out it’s a question - just as he expects you to work out that saying where he chose to go, means he’s still there. Both as bad as each other!

mokapot · 03/01/2020 23:30

That’s all you needed to do!! Grin

So frustrated of conversations with DC like this. AIBU or is DC.
mokapot · 03/01/2020 23:31

Oh no. My emoji speak didn’t pop up 🤦🏾‍♀️

mokapot · 03/01/2020 23:31

Oh ffs...it did 😝😝😝

poorbuthappy · 03/01/2020 23:35

Is it just a select few of us then who when we ask where are you now expect an answer as to where they are now not where they were hours ago?
Blimey.

bumblingbovine49 · 04/01/2020 00:07

His initial reply would have made me think he didn't want to tell me where he was. If I was in a good mood, I'd have said ' and are you there now?', then he could.confirm or if he gave another evasive answer I'd have assumed he really didn't want to tell me andd would have just asked when he would be home
However if I was in a bad mood or maybe already annoyed with him my replies we would have been similar .

adhdme2019 · 04/01/2020 00:11

He’s 17? Did I read that? Hmm

I think his first reply makes it perfectly clear where he is but it is awkward wording.

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