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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really ashamed of myself.

76 replies

Lalalala02 · 03/01/2020 05:23

I did well in my A Levels and got into a good university. I was really optimistic at this point, I had relevant work experience lined up and enjoyed the subject. Then I got into an emotionally abusive relationship, got pregnant and decided to continue with the pregnancy, and had to drop out.

My DC is now three and I have started a self employed business which I earn the equivalent of a (minimum wage) part time job from. I’ve restarted my degree part time, but I can’t shake the feeling of shame and that I should have progressed so much more in life than I have. I know comparison is the thief of joy, but I see all of my previous uni friends moving on in life and progressing while I’m still miles behind.

I feel like I’ve lost the last few years of my life to the abusive relationship which drained a huge amount of my energy. By this point I’d planned to have finished my degree and be doing my post grad qualification, instead I still have four years left of my degree.

I do my best to not dwell on it - me and DC have an active lifestyle, see friends and family frequently and so on, yet I’m lying awake at 5am feeling shit about myself, and I can’t get rid of the feeling I’ve let myself down and that I’m not doing enough to better mine and DC’s life.

OP posts:
THAT90sBITCH · 03/01/2020 05:25

Studying with a child is hard work. Well done you for keeping at it!

You will get there in the end you just took a different path.

WatchingTheMoon · 03/01/2020 05:28

I understand. I had mh problems for much of my 20s, in and out of shit relationships, and never really established any kind of career. It bothers me a lot.

Breastfeedingworries · 03/01/2020 05:31

You took a different route to motherhood. In many ways you’re ahead of them. I think I’ve you’ve achieved a few of the big life changing things. like renting a house, having a baby, going to uni or owning a house, traveling the world falling in love. Whichever it is, it’s a huge life changing achievement.

If you’ve been to uni, fallen in love (although end negatively) had a baby, presumably rented somewhere, been to uni and back there now. Wow what a lot in a short space of time!

You have something amazing to show for your time. Well done, keep up the studying and when your life’s easiest because your little one is older, there circumstances will change. Xxx

BluebonicPlague · 03/01/2020 05:35

Sorry to hear what you've gone through. But it sounds as if you've made terrific progress in career and education - and you have a DC whom you clearly cherish.

I'm not voting on this as I don't think reasonableness comes into it. You should give yourself a break and not beat yourself up over decisions made (or not even noticed at the time) when you were younger - and give yourself a gold star for what you've achieved since.

Cactus1Cactus2 · 03/01/2020 05:36

You can't change the past

You can make short, medium & long term goals for your future

dustypots · 03/01/2020 05:36

your own business, studying and a child! whoa, sounds like you're a busy mama... Its hard not to compare our lives to others, the past regrets. live and learn. if you stay motivated you'll get that degree. Just don't feel like you have to do it all to keep up with others. Managing to be a good mum is enough. good luck :)

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/01/2020 05:54

Please think about what you have achieved. You’ve survived an abusive relationship. You’re only in your 20’s. Dropping out of university was a blip and you’re working to achieve your dreams whilst raising a child. Don’t underestimate your resilience.

Tinkobell · 03/01/2020 06:16

Meh. Life’s a long long story OP. You’ve barely started yours and actually already achieved and are achieving a lot of things many dream of. Ok, so not quite to plan, but so what? Ditch your early morning shame sessions, you’ve got an exciting road ahead of you!

MaudebeGonne · 03/01/2020 06:22

I guarantee that there is at least one person that you started Uni with who is looking at your life thinking “wow, Lalala is amazing. She is raising her child, running her own business and back at uni. All I have done is finish my degree and drift into a boring grad job that I’m not even sure I enjoy, but the money is decent.” You are alive, and learning and evolving all the time., don’t waste your time and energy thinking about the different ways your life could have unfolded. You are doing the best with what you have, and that is all any of us can do.

Shedidnt · 03/01/2020 06:34

Gosh don't feel ashamed of yourself! You've been thrown more curve balls than some and have taken them all and ran with them. You're doing just fine.

gingersausage · 03/01/2020 06:36

Shame is such a destructive emotion, but it’s quite common after an abusive relationship. Try and separate that from everything else you’ve achieved and be proud that you did it in spite of the abuse.

Your university student services should be able to help you access some counselling, which might be a good idea just to process the abuse and finally move on from it. Focus on the things you are doing well at (parenting, studying, your business) and not the thing you think you failed at. That failure wasn’t yours, it was his. He failed to be a decent human being, that’s all there is to it Flowers.

PenelopeSophia1979 · 03/01/2020 06:43

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Sparklybaublefest · 03/01/2020 06:43

Its your life op.
You are bringing up another human being who relies on you.
There is no shame.

EuphorbiaHemlockthe1st · 03/01/2020 06:45

You are bringing up a fun three year old, running a small business single handed and studying at uni - you aren't behind your old schoolfriends you are way out in front of them!!!! Keep your head high and look forward to the future you are so young and have an exciting life ahead of you.

Shedidnt · 03/01/2020 06:46

Penelope. I suggest you get therapy for your anger.

Coughy4u · 03/01/2020 06:47

Jeez Penelope that escalated quick Shock

MyOtherProfile · 03/01/2020 06:47

You're doing so well. You got out of the abusive relationship, which not everyone manages to do. You're getting yourself back on track to your goals plus you have your DC, which is wonderful. It's hard in the early hours to think straight but I hope that as the day dawns you will realise how well you're doing. You clearly have a bright future ahead for you and your child.

Dontdisturbmenow · 03/01/2020 06:47

Lalalala, what you learn as you get older is that living life is not always about reaching your goals, but just making the best and enjoying what destiny has thrown at you.

A family member fell pregnant at 18 the first time she had sex. He was foreign and left, she never saw him again. She decided to keep the baby. At times, she wondered what would have happened if she'd had an abortion as she had a promising career in front of her, but life is such that she never had another child and she has been so thankful that she made the decision to keep her beautiful girl who brought her so much happiness.

A friend of mine also got pregnant at 18. She just managed to get her A levels. I met her at work when her child was 5 years old. 1 year later, she got her BA and enrolled for a MA, working FT. She then got an amazing job working in some sort of statistical analytical consultant. She later met her husband and had a girl. She took some time off and now is working on a contracted basis and doing very well at just 40.

You have plenty of time to do more with your life, but be proud of what you are achieving and enjoy the choices you've made. You might find that some of your friends struggle to conceive and would give their career for a baby. Some might give up work to raise their kids, then end up as a single parent and wish they'd never given up their career.

So much happens in life, but what matters is to make the most of it as it enfolds. If you feel you could do more, make a list of what you want to accomplish this year and take small steps towards these goals.

Coughy4u · 03/01/2020 06:49

If you dwell on shame and let it consume you it will stop you from achieving your goals. To go ahead you have got to stop looking backward.

Dont look at what others are doing, disconnect from fb or ig or whatever.

Listen to the sunscreen song.

TwistinMyMelon · 03/01/2020 06:58

Are you in medical school perchance?

Whatnameisgood · 03/01/2020 07:10

I didn’t have my first child until mid 30s and spent 20s and early 30s doing the whole careeer thing. Looks very tidy on paper but I get 15 years less with my children/grandchildren than you do. That makes me start to feel really sad sometimes if I let it but I can’t change the past so don’t dwell. My point is, the big positive is you get so much more time with your child, now and as an adult, seeeing them grow and be an adult. That’s amazing!

armitasp · 03/01/2020 07:11

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have achieved plenty and are pushing yourself to achieve even more. You shouldn't feel ashamed in the slightest. Give yourself a pat on the back and keep going.

TheFurryMenace · 03/01/2020 07:18

Dear OP, failiure is not the falling down, it's the staying down, and you have clearly not done that! You've had a child young - I wish I'd done the same. I faffed around in dead end jobs in my 20's, and focused more on (dead end) boyfriend and having a good time. In my thirties I decided to go to uni so put off trying for a baby until I'd finished my degree. This ended up in me having fertility problems and ivf. I had a beautiful girl at 40, and have a decent job now, albeit part time . My mother died before I got pregnant so never met my lovely girl. I do regret my choices in my twenties as it had a knock on effect, which meant my child is an only child and I had no support from my lovely mum who would have loved my daughter to bits. I wish I'd put aside the uni to focus on having a baby, so I took the opposite path to you! I think you're amazing to be running your own business, studying and bringing up a child. You are probably way more mature and driven than many of your peers! I think you will do great things...

gerispringer · 03/01/2020 07:27

Had 2 kids before I went to uni and don’t regret a thing. I’m now a young GM.

Sushiroller · 03/01/2020 07:27

Dont beat yourself up. Its futile. Focus on what you have.

I did everything pretty much "correctly" good grades, good uni, (an eventually) good job.... somewhat naively I assumed I'd find my future husband at uni or first year at work and by mid 30s we'd have kids I'd be part time... blah blah blah. It didnt happen. And some of my "good jobs" which be and my focus due to no partner were truly hellish but I wouldn't address it because I didn't want to fail at that too.

15+ years later I met someone wonderful, we are happy but the reality is I'm older to the point we may never have kids.

Basically if you want God to laugh. Tell him your plans... because it never pans out how you think it will.

You should just focus on making the best choices you can now.

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