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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really ashamed of myself.

76 replies

Lalalala02 · 03/01/2020 05:23

I did well in my A Levels and got into a good university. I was really optimistic at this point, I had relevant work experience lined up and enjoyed the subject. Then I got into an emotionally abusive relationship, got pregnant and decided to continue with the pregnancy, and had to drop out.

My DC is now three and I have started a self employed business which I earn the equivalent of a (minimum wage) part time job from. I’ve restarted my degree part time, but I can’t shake the feeling of shame and that I should have progressed so much more in life than I have. I know comparison is the thief of joy, but I see all of my previous uni friends moving on in life and progressing while I’m still miles behind.

I feel like I’ve lost the last few years of my life to the abusive relationship which drained a huge amount of my energy. By this point I’d planned to have finished my degree and be doing my post grad qualification, instead I still have four years left of my degree.

I do my best to not dwell on it - me and DC have an active lifestyle, see friends and family frequently and so on, yet I’m lying awake at 5am feeling shit about myself, and I can’t get rid of the feeling I’ve let myself down and that I’m not doing enough to better mine and DC’s life.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/01/2020 09:46

I think you're being really hard on yourself!

You got out of that relationship, you're raising your child, you're studying and you're self motivated enough to start your own business!?

Blimey. Be proud of yourself.

Could you speak to your GP about feeling low? Or perhaps you're just knackered!

Be a bit nicer to yourself. Being in an abusive relationship can smash your self esteem to bits. And it can take a long-time to rebuild. Maybe consider some counselling?

Insideimsprinting · 03/01/2020 09:46

No one intentionally gets into an abusive relationship. As far as your pregnancy goes, that's just one of life's curve balls.

Stop being so hard on yourself, you havent lost hope and you're back on course. Give yourself a break op.

BoomZahramay · 03/01/2020 09:51

Oh, lose the shame! For women, it's all a swap anyway. Career, then kids. Kids, then uni. Doesn't matter. You'll all be in roughly the same place at 40.

Everyone else will have their snakes and ladders too. They just haven't come across them yet because you're all so, so young.

Relax. Enjoy. Repeat.

Mummadeeze · 03/01/2020 09:55

You have plenty of time still to forge a good career and I have no doubt you will as having the courage to leave an abusive relationship when you have a child is a great testament to your strength of character. Be proud, enjoy your freedom and look forward to your future. You are in control of your destiny.

Winesalot · 03/01/2020 09:57

Beau2019

Anyone telling you that it is backwards cannot think outside the lines. This maybe great if you are a neurosurgeon or such. Otherwise, if it works for you grasp it with both hands. Good luck.

seltaeb · 03/01/2020 10:11

You definitely should not feel ashamed. Anyone can be wise with hindsight but you can only move on from where you are now and the fact that you have resumed your studies when you are a single parent with a young child is hugely commendable. I am sure you are a great role model for your child.

Chocmallows · 03/01/2020 10:18

YABU but only because you are unfairly judging yourself. Don't judge yourself on the people who continued their course, focus on where you are - and with a DC!

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/01/2020 10:20

I think you are pretty amazing.

You're out of that relationship.
You have a son who is loved and taken care of.
You have a job.
You're studying for a degree.

So many things to be proud of, unfortunately, your self-esteem is so low you don't realise this.

Just keep moving forward (most people only manage that some of the time no matter what it looks like to others). Use the support your university offers and get some mental health support and a benefits check.

UpsyDaaaisy · 03/01/2020 10:22

You are right about the comparison, but it's so difficult not to! I was in an abusive relationship during uni and fell pregnant, i was lucky in that I was 7 month's pregnant while graduating. However I'm no get ahead in my job/career then I would be had I dropped out. My DS is 2 and I'm living with my mum in a soul destroying part time minimum wage job! I didn't do a vocational degree subject so to now progress in my career I'd need to do future study. It's not how fast you get there it's about (trying) to enjoy the journey. We all take different paths in life, it shouldn't make us any better or worse than the next person x

UpsyDaaaisy · 03/01/2020 10:23

Further*

Lifeisabeach09 · 03/01/2020 10:26

You have the next ten/twenty years to build your career/business.
Don't feel ashamed. You've just decided to have a child before establishing yourself.
I did too but was older than you.
Having a child will make you more determined to achieve, in your case.
When you are 35, your child will be 15ish....whereas a lot of women will be just having kids. This is still young!!

BraveGoldie · 03/01/2020 10:29

I agree with everyone - sounds like you are doing brilliantly - that's not to dismiss how very hard it must be feel, but you have achieved so much. Yeah - others who seem to have sailed through might have had it easier so far and be ahead in some ways. But I bet you are way in advance of them with wisdom and life experience and tenacity!

You can be immensely proud of having escaped the abusive relationship and of looking after your DC so well and of persevering with studying and your business venture. You sound amazing!

Kudos to you, OP!

LadyLightning · 03/01/2020 10:37

You are entitled to feel however you feel and shouldnt feel bad about yourself for feeling sad or comparing yourself to others. However, you are still young, life is not over and you are clearly someone who has some insight and ability (or you wouldnt have gotten into uni or out of your relationship). so, be kind to yourself, think about what you want going forward, in 10 years, 20 years etc etc. Life is not over yet!

Angliski · 03/01/2020 10:58

Op you have set up a business- most businesses take a good three years before you can get decent money out of them so you are on track. I’m twenty years older and my three year old business is just moving from min wage salary to paying dividends. So you are on track! Focus on how you can grow and expand it - the freedom to work for yourself and determine your hours and future is terrific for working around family commitment and study. Sounds like you have the foundations of a really good life design. Does the business feel like it has viable growth? I can understand that comparison around money- but if it has potential, then focus in on that.

damnthatanxiety · 03/01/2020 10:58

Shame is a waste of time and energy. Why shame? You haven't done anything to be ashamed of! Shame is for when you have been appalling. You haven't. You have just taken a route you hadn't planned for but that is not shameful - tbh, it's normal.

damnthatanxiety · 03/01/2020 11:02

Oh, and remember, people won't likely be doing the same job/career all their lives. Whatever they are doing now is unlikely to be what they are doing in 15/20 years and most likely will be completely unrelated to their degree. So you really are not 'behind' anyway!

ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 03/01/2020 11:54

I understand how you feel, I always wanted to be a children's nurse, started doing Health and Social care in college, then ended up getting a flat with my ex and quitting college to get a job, then we had kids and I always regretted not staying in college.
After 15 years me and my ex split, my 2 DC's were 10 and 3 and I enrolled onto an access course and now I'm in University studying children's nursing and about to start my first placement on Monday!
I feel that even though I'm older this was the right time and feel more ready then ever.
You are going to be great, be proud of yourself!!

KarmaStar · 04/01/2020 00:05

for you op,you have nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of.
Look at what you have achieved!
Looking back is fruitless.
Your past has made you the strong,independent person you are with a dc you love.
You are carving out a future.
If say you have done extremely well for yourself.
Don't live by could haves or should haves,they are irrelevant.You are where you are and that's as good a place as any.
Look at all of your positives and look forward,draw a line under the past and let it go.
Wishing you every success.🌺🌺🌺🌺

KarmaStar · 04/01/2020 00:06

I'd not if say!

rudolfsquiffy · 04/01/2020 00:31

You are on your own path, don't let comparison with others tell you what it is supposed to look like.

Wouldn't life be boring if we all did the same thing at the same time.

You've achieved things other haven't, in emotional growth especially. Be proud.

Boom45 · 04/01/2020 00:47

My mum dropped out of uni, met my dad, went back to uni, got pregnant with me, dropped out again, went back to uni, graduated, did half a post grad, had another baby, finished her post grad.
She ended up with 5 kids and as CEO of a large organisation. Dropping out to deal with life shit isn't failure, its another step on your road

BrummyMum1 · 04/01/2020 01:21

I went through a tough time at uni and fell behind in my studies. It might not seem like it now but the life experience you’ll bring to future employment plus the determination to succeed motivated by your DC will set you above your peers. It might feel like you’re failing now but hang on in there, you’re on the right track.

Italiangreyhound · 04/01/2020 02:07

YANBU to feel how you feel.

However, you have your child, your business and you will get your degree.

Can you get counselling so you can heal better from this awful abusive relationship? Talk to your GP> You are doing brilliantly.

Italiangreyhound · 04/01/2020 02:09

And YADBVU for being hard on yourself or feeling ashamed! Because you are doing brilliantly.

(It's a hard one to answer, you are entitled to feel sad at wasted years BUT you should not feel ashamed.)

mathanxiety · 04/01/2020 02:37

I have a friend whose life took the same initial trajectory as yours. She stayed in the abusive relationship and is only now, in her fifties, trying to muster the courage to leave.

So well done for leaving and for having the gumption to get back onto the track you left. I agree with many other posters that there are university friends of yours who are in awe of you, and if they're not now they will be the more of life they experience. One day they will have a child or two and will think of you facing the world on your own with a baby in tow, and will take a hat off to you.

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