To feel really ashamed of myself.

[Lalalala02]

I did well in my A Levels and got into a good university. I was really optimistic at this point, I had relevant work experience lined up and enjoyed the subject. Then I got into an emotionally abusive relationship, got pregnant and decided to continue with the pregnancy, and had to drop out.

My DC is now three and I have started a self employed business which I earn the equivalent of a (minimum wage) part time job from. I’ve restarted my degree part time, but I can’t shake the feeling of shame and that I should have progressed so much more in life than I have. I know comparison is the thief of joy, but I see all of my previous uni friends moving on in life and progressing while I’m still miles behind.

I feel like I’ve lost the last few years of my life to the abusive relationship which drained a huge amount of my energy. By this point I’d planned to have finished my degree and be doing my post grad qualification, instead I still have four years left of my degree.

I do my best to not dwell on it - me and DC have an active lifestyle, see friends and family frequently and so on, yet I’m lying awake at 5am feeling shit about myself, and I can’t get rid of the feeling I’ve let myself down and that I’m not doing enough to better mine and DC’s life.

Gosh please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are getting on the right track now and are still so very young. Some people would take decades to move on from that or indeed never.

I firmly believe that life sets us on a difference course from what we planned but it’s all part of life’s journey.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself! You are doing amazingly! I didnt go to uni until I was 22 because of my DD and I know what you mean t watching other people progress, however, 10 years on I have 2 degrees, my dream job and a beautiful 11 yo. I have no regrets.

So you’ve found the strength to leave an abusive relationship, started your own business, gone back to your studies AND you’re raising a child. Sounds like you are knocking it out of the park, and can hold your head up high.

OP you should feel proud of yourself not ashamed! You’ve escaped an abusive relationship and now you’re working, studying and bringing up a child. Most people would struggle to do 2 of those simultaneously, you’re doing 3! Try to look forward not back, your future is a very long time and it’s what you make it, and you’re taking the steps to make it great.

You are still young. You'll have life and university experience when your done.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Give yourself a 5 year plan concentrating on studies and the baby.
Starting a small business too might be juggling to many balls one could slip.
Concentrate on the 2 most important things for your future studies and your DC.
Life is only starting for you. You're on a different but manageable path.

Seems to me that life is about learning lessons, and evolving as individuals.
We all have our own path- there is no " right" or " wrong"

In time, you'll see that you developed strength of character from your abusive relationship, and becoming a young mum. I would lay money that time will come when you realise that all your friends are struggling to learn lessons that you have already learned.
We all have our own path.

There is no benefit in beating ourselves up over the past. None of us woke up one day and thought "I think I'll f*ck up my life today!" We all make the best choices we can - but, sadly, some of those choice turn out very badly. We cannot turn back the clock and make different choices. We cannot change the past, but we can change the future - starting with today.

We can grieve the hurt and loss we have suffered. We can work on understanding ourselves better, discovering how and why we made the decisions we did, so that we can avoid making the same ones again. We can start building a new life for ourseves - something it seems you have already begun.

I'm sorry for your pain. Underneath the self-blame is hurt, disappointment and anger; try to get in touch with these feelings and channel them into a determination to build a brighter future. Good luck!

your own business, studying and a child! whoa, sounds like you're a busy mama.

Thats to be proud of not ashamed of!!!

You have done amazingly!
I used to teach for a while, and the students I feel most proud of are those who struggled but I now see holding down steady jobs. Overcoming adversity is far more note worthy than just hanging on to the conveyer belt.

If you can find time, some counselling might help. Help you explore why you feel like this, any self esteem issues and make you even stronger for the future.

I totally understand this.

I was the first in my family to go to uni. I fell pregnant, left and then had my three kids in quick succession whilst my pals were all graduating/ beginning their careers.

What you are doing is hard, and worthwhile. There will come a point you are able to go back to what you were doing, or pursue another goal. I found after some time, seeing my happiness as a parent and in my relationship helped me measure being successful in a different way.

I chipped away at my degree for NINE years doing a bit here and there, and finishing with Open Uni. I was so embarrassed it was so far from my original plans I didn't even go to the graduation. Now I'm annoyed at myself for that - I worked bloody hard with three young kids to finish it.

I ended up doing a Masters and am now in a professional job (am a teacher). I ended up where all my pals are, except I have the family under the belt too.

It all works out the way it's supposed to. You're doing GREAT.

Best bit of advice I ever had was 'What is past help should be past grief'. I think it comes from 'The Winter's Tale'.
It has become a bit of a mantra for me that I remind myself of. It has really helped me to move on at various times. It applies to so much in life - people we hang on to when relationships are over, how we become overwhelmed by grief at times for a long time after a death, negative emotions, work, perceived injustices that cause resentment or envy, despair over past things in our lives that we go over again and again in our minds. It is all wasted energy that achieves nothing and is often really self-destructive.
Al you can change is your now and your future so use your energy positively and do that. The past is gone. You have a child with all the love that brings, and a future to build with your child- many would envy you, some will never have that. You can't know what other people's lives are really like. Just enjoy now and look forward. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

You seem to have a fixed idea of what success is - the conventional path of A Levels, uni, graduate job, then partner, house and family. You are taking a different path and because this wasn’t ‘Plan A’ see this is as a failure. I wonder if this reflects your family expectations?

I wonder if you could access some counselling via your GP or local organisation. I think talking frankly with an impartial person who can challenge some of your unconscious assumptions might be useful to you.

FWIW I went straight to work when I was young as my DP didn’t approve of further education. I did well and had a good/lucrative career, then the expected marriage and children, but I always felt a failure as I didn’t have a degree like my colleagues. When I was 50 I went to uni and now have an MSc. I’m proud that I worked for it and achieved it and it’s certainly helped with my imposter syndrome but it doesn’t bring me the same happiness my DC do.

Setting up your own business, studying at degree level and looking after a child. You're doing great. You shouldn't let this negative feeling ruin things. Be proud of your achievements

You should be proud of yourself! Abusive relationships are so easy to get into but so hard to get out of. The easier options would have been to stay in the relationship and/or have an abortion but you have taken the more challenging route and have a beautiful child to show for it who can grow up in a stable environment without having to witness the abuse. That's amazing x

Not only that but instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself or doing the minimum to get by you are getting back on your feet, have started your own business and are studying. I think you are awesome. Hold your head high.

If you were my daughter/ sister/ friend I'd be absolutely brimming with pride at what you've achieved in the face of adversity.

Could you maybe look into doing the freedom programme or a course of CBT through your GP so that you're able to reprogramme that critical internal voice and instead begin to see what we're all seeing?

You sound brilliant @Lalalala02
Keep up the great work.

Life's not a race. Don't buy into this nonsense idea that you have to go to university straight out of school. Basically schools just encourage it as it makes THEM look better.

You now have so many invaluable life skills due to your experience being a mother, and running a small business. You also know you have the strength to get out of a terrible relationship and support you and your child.

Universities love 'mature' students. Someone who goes back into education is doing so because they're driven, they're doing the degree because they want to. A ridiculous number of younger students are only there because they've been pressured by school/family and haven't looked at other options.

I teach people who go to uni later in life - many a lot older than you by the sounds of things. All you have done is have a kid first then uni - most people do it the other way round. But that means they need a career break or loads of time away from their kids while they build their career. Your DC will be older by the time you get out to work, so you will have less hassle at that point. My mum had my brother when she was 20, and me 5 years later. She went to Uni when were older and is now a Professor - there is nothing wrong with doing it that way round! You sound sensible, stop beating yourself up.

So in your very short life you've:

1. Got really good A levels - I assume it took lots of hard work
2. Got into a good university and started a degree - again hard work
3. Had and raised a DC - rewarding but hard work!
4. Extricated yourself from an abusive relationship - cannot imagine how difficult that must have been
5. Started your own business - can't have been easy
6. Re-started university whilst raising your DC and running your own business - where do you find the time?!

Christ you've done more in your life than I have and I'm twice your age! I'm exhausted just thinking about what you've achieved.

You are amazing OP

You should be proud of what you’ve achieved op, you are trying your best for yourself and your daughter, don’t be hard on yourself

I came here to find that Kerning has already beautifully written what I wanted to say.

Blimey OP you set yourself high standards.
Relax a bit, you are achieving so much.

When I read your post, I did not see anything there to be ashamed about. So, your path is different to your uni friends. You are managing parenthood, study AND a business!!!! And hopefully completely out of the abusive relationship. I hope you have a great support system so you can also take take of yourself in this time.

Nothing to be ashamed of in taking the path you have with a child you love. Plus, if you keep your eye on the finish, even if it takes a few more deviations and longer than you think, you will get there. Even if your business remains as a small business that sustains you for study and being present for your child, it is successful. (And even if the business fails, and I hate that word, you have plenty of experience from it.) Sometimes, the journey is just as important as the end result.

Take heart in knowing that 20-30 years you will look back and realize that your path was just different to the conventional approach.

Yabu to be so hard on yourself x

Op you have achieved SO MUCH you should be proud of yourself! Please do not think you are behind any of your friends. Financially you are at a different point but then also family wise you are at a different point to them. There is so much stigma attached to doing things one way (Uni, job, marriage, family) but this is not the ONLY WAY!

Neither you or your friends are in front or behind of each other, you are all at different stages in your life. Be proud of where you are, you are doing amazing. And remember there is no 'right way' of doing anything anymore.

I dropped out of Uni completely, went straight into work, I don't earn a huge amount but I'm comfortable, bought at house at 27 with my partner and now at 28 planning a family and don't plan on getting married before any of this. I am also planning on going to go back to uni after I've had the baby - people may say this is backwards but this works for me! Good luck and remember you will get to where you want to be and it will all be worth it

You are doing so well and your tenacity to stick with it against the odds is admirable.
You will have learned so much from that bad relationship that you won't make the same mistake again.
Perhaps looking at it more positively will help.
You are young and have had a setback, and those that haven't will seem to progress faster, but they haven't taken time out for kids yet, you'll be in a job and being promoted, whilst they may be on mat leave.
Look at what you have gained and be proud of your achievement.
I'd be proud if you were my dd.
Good luck to you