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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL driving me insane.

85 replies

Rosie102 · 01/01/2020 22:46

To cut a long story short, I have a very difficult relationship with my MIL. For the past decade, she has made nasty comments about me and my family. It's never blatent and in front of my DP, instead she waits until we're alone and says things like, "Darling, where did you get that mascara? It makes SUCH a difference. I couldn't believe how you looked without it last week!" Or, "Do you know what, darling, considering where you started in life, you haven't done badly have you?!" She has nothing to do with my family, who she looks down on and regularly tries to slate in front of my children.

When I was suffering with PND, she told me to stop playing the victim card ("We could all do it, darling, but most of us battle on bravely.")

When I decided to stay at home with my youngest daughter instead of returning to work she called me financially naive and said that I was being unfair to her son who would now have to take the whole burden of providing for us.

Today she turned up and couldn't wait to tell me about how she's been meeting up regularly with my DP's ex. She was telling me what an expensive house the ex lives in, how hard she works and how great she's looking these days ("She always asks after you" she remembered to include when my DP walked in. Oh and, "I have no idea why she wants to go out of her way to meet with me. I mean, I just can't think."

These are literally just a handful of things that she's said. As the new year starts, I realise that I can't take another year of this. AIBU to want to sever ties with her (obv would never get in the way of DP or children seeing her) Anyone got any ideas about how to handle this difficult situation?

OP posts:
Summercamping · 01/01/2020 22:49

Yanbu, life is too short. You need to be very clear with your dh what has been going on, and how much stress it's putting on you. Is he aware of any of this?

GreenTulips · 01/01/2020 22:50

Do you know what, darling, considering where you started in life, you haven't done badly have you?!"

Considering where I started in life?

Repeat her questions, this is because now she has to have an answer, not you, you don’t have to answer to her or justify your decisions.

Cherrysoup · 01/01/2020 22:52

Repeat what she says when your dh comes in the room. Is he aware of her comments and does he stand up for you?

Dogsaresomucheasier · 01/01/2020 22:54

It will be very difficult to cut contact while partner and kids maintain it. Can you give as good as you get?
Isn’t it wonderful that she still notices details like mascara at her age!

katy1213 · 01/01/2020 22:55

You know what, darling, considering where you started in life, you really are extremely ill-mannered?

LagunaBubbles · 01/01/2020 22:56

Your post is all about your MIL but lacking in information about your DH, what does he think? Is he supportive?

RickOShay · 01/01/2020 22:58

I’ve go one of these. She ruined this Christmas. She’s so coy and look at me, but don’t look at me.

Have you told your dh? You need him on your side.

frazzledasarock · 01/01/2020 23:01

Why would you want your children to be exposed to such a poisonous old witch?

Cut ties and be happy.

Shesalittlemadam · 01/01/2020 23:05

@RickOShay What happened? Not meaning to derail OP's thread

RickOShay · 01/01/2020 23:15

@Shesalittlemadam
Oooh well, it’s a long boring story Grin
Basically she looked after ds1 and 2 a few days before Christmas. 10 and 12 years old, very rare occurrence due to bag behaviour. We were gone for about 3 hours, middle of the day, when I got back ds2 was practically in tears, bottom lip wobble, saying he wanted to go home and Granny had been mean to him. Talking in the car on the way home it turns out that Granny had called him disgusting his name (it rhymes), as a joke, then said oh he’s in a sulk he’s in a sulk.
I couldn’t quite find my festive spirit after that.

Marcipex · 02/01/2020 00:12

I think they need calling out.
‘Why were you so spiteful to ds?’
‘No it isn’t funny, it’s unkind and childish.’

‘Why are you belittling my family?’
‘Yes you were, don’t pretend to be stupider than you are.’

Only, be prepared for fake crying, and cry loudly yourself at the same time.

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 02/01/2020 02:29

You gotta master the art of instant comeback by either repeating it back in a question or using her statement as a statement:
I don't know why she wants to see me...
I can't think of a reason why either.
Oh don't be so sensitive
Then don't be so rude.
It's not fair on my son that you don't contribute
Oh he's more than happy with my contribution, thanks
You have done so well considering your upbringing
What do you mean my upbringing?
Keep on and on until she stops

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 12:03

DH pretty passive and non-confrontational. Has tried (albeit half-heartedly) to ask his mum to stop being nasty. It gets better for a week or two and then she reverts back to type. He's had a life of her manipulation and put-down comments. She's mean to him too.

OP posts:
RickOShay · 02/01/2020 14:41

@Rosie102
This sounds so familiar Grin
What’s she like with your children?

Rollonspringtime2020 · 02/01/2020 14:44

Tell dh he can see her alone - you intend to protect your dc from her venom so they will be staying at home with you.
Practice your death stare in front of a mirror.
We are nc with ils due to being arse holes.
*them not us.
It ain't the law to have to see them op....

SandyY2K · 02/01/2020 14:57

You need to get sharp or play deaf. Alternatively, don't be alone with her. If your DP leaves the room...find an excuse to leave too.

Make yourself busy and unavailable when she comes over.

Or try telling her what a good hob she did raising DP... as he clearly has made a great choice in you as a partner.

She won't know what to say...she either has to agree...or says she didn't do a good job.

When she makes those snide remarks...just say... your amazing MIL...I was telling some friends about you and they didn't believe the things you come out with. I must record you next time as proof.

They say I'm.a saint for putting up with it.
Then saunter off with a smile.

Elieza · 02/01/2020 15:28

She’s clearly trying to get shot of you and get the ex back with her son.

I’d steer well clear. I’d also be careful about leaving dc with her in case she poisons them too.

DH would be better avoiding too!

alexdgr8 · 02/01/2020 15:31

i was going to suggest surreptiously recording her, to share with DH, but maybe it is better to avoid as he is intimidated by her too.
how about a swift Naff Orf, when she comes out with snidey comments.
if she protests, say what do you expect from a guttersnipe. and walk out.

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 15:49

She's nice to the children. They love her!

OP posts:
brassbrass · 02/01/2020 15:57

Forget over thinking it. She is no longer worthy of your time. You now no longer entertain her on your own. That is the minimum your DH accepts.

She is only around when your DH is and you make sure you are not alone in the room with her.

If she starts with the snidey comments you both need to challenge her together and say it's inappropriate to say xyz. She's getting away with because you allow her to.

Rollonspringtime2020 · 02/01/2020 16:00

They will wonder why you allowed yourself to be bullied when they understand her dogs and insults. Hardly an example of dealing with bullies.

WatchingTheMoon · 02/01/2020 16:03

I think with someone like this I'd just say "God you are FUNNY" every time she says anything. And then laugh.

Let her see that she's not bothering you at all. She'll get bored eventually.

alexdgr8 · 02/01/2020 16:04

another tack would be to play up the guttersnipe narrative.
considering where you came from, you mean when we got turned out of the workhouse for disorderly conduct, and we went a-begging, and my sister sold kisses to sailors.
who'd have thunk I'd be living so daintily now with gentry like your son, esteemed MIL. I thank heaven for my undeserved good fortune.

sprite25 · 02/01/2020 16:06

'oh darling, do fuck orf' would be my response every time she said something followed by a sarcasticly large smile. I understand people have to try and keep peace in families with members they see often but for christ sake why let someone be such a bitch to you?! And as for your husband he needs to stop being such a wet blanket and tell her she's either nice to ALL of you or shes not welcome

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 16:10

Thanks Sprite25, you're right. I'm taking control of this shit.

OP posts: