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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL driving me insane.

85 replies

Rosie102 · 01/01/2020 22:46

To cut a long story short, I have a very difficult relationship with my MIL. For the past decade, she has made nasty comments about me and my family. It's never blatent and in front of my DP, instead she waits until we're alone and says things like, "Darling, where did you get that mascara? It makes SUCH a difference. I couldn't believe how you looked without it last week!" Or, "Do you know what, darling, considering where you started in life, you haven't done badly have you?!" She has nothing to do with my family, who she looks down on and regularly tries to slate in front of my children.

When I was suffering with PND, she told me to stop playing the victim card ("We could all do it, darling, but most of us battle on bravely.")

When I decided to stay at home with my youngest daughter instead of returning to work she called me financially naive and said that I was being unfair to her son who would now have to take the whole burden of providing for us.

Today she turned up and couldn't wait to tell me about how she's been meeting up regularly with my DP's ex. She was telling me what an expensive house the ex lives in, how hard she works and how great she's looking these days ("She always asks after you" she remembered to include when my DP walked in. Oh and, "I have no idea why she wants to go out of her way to meet with me. I mean, I just can't think."

These are literally just a handful of things that she's said. As the new year starts, I realise that I can't take another year of this. AIBU to want to sever ties with her (obv would never get in the way of DP or children seeing her) Anyone got any ideas about how to handle this difficult situation?

OP posts:
Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 16:11

Hate the way she calls me darling as she's stabbing me in the back. Enough's enough.

OP posts:
flouncyfanny · 02/01/2020 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 16:39

**Or get either emigration forms for Australia/NZ and leave them on the coffee table; or some Stannah stairlift/Retirement Village etc brochures for her and hand them to her "Not getting any younger, or nicer, are you Darling
🤣🤣 Love it!! Am so doing that!!

OP posts:
Elieza · 02/01/2020 17:54

@WatchingTheMoon has a good plan. That should shut her up.

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 18:01

She's hot such a high self-esteem, she doesn't really get sarcasm. If I told her she was funny, she'd think I meant it and agree. She's seeing three different men atm, one of whom is married. Think she's a narcissist who can't empathise. As long as she's OK, she's not bothered.

OP posts:
Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 18:01

**Got, not hot, sorry.

OP posts:
Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 18:02

All of this at 75.

OP posts:
Fr0g · 02/01/2020 18:03

she was probably like it with the ex wife when they were together.
Miserable old toad.

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 18:04

The married guy is 52 (not that that's really relevant but just for the record)

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 02/01/2020 18:07

Being nasty and seeing your reaction feeds her ego, it's sad that some people seem to need that to feel good about themselves but there it is. You either need a shitload of confidence and a very thick skin so she doesn't get the reaction she's hoping for or a really sharp tongue and a talent for a witty comeback so she ends up the butt of the joke. Failing that it's NC and save yourself the effort but ideally you need DH and DC onside too for that, I wouldn't want my DC around her without me there to ensure they weren't being exposed to the same thing. You're right to tackle it though, you shouldn't have to put up with this for another year Flowers

Gwilt160981 · 02/01/2020 18:08

Just tell your husband you refuse to socialise with his mother. Stand your ground.

user1498572889 · 02/01/2020 18:14

Next time she says something that belittles you or puts you down laugh out loud and say ohh MIL you are such a cunt then laugh again. You can then sit back and watch the explosion.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 02/01/2020 18:21

Wait until she does her next nasty comment then try the following:

"I know most people don't bother to pull you up on this behaviour because they don't think your capable of better, but I really do have faith in you you know. I think if you tried and practiced you might even be a little teensy bit ...likable?"

FraglesRock · 02/01/2020 18:26

When do you see her, why does she get you alone so much?

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2020 18:28

Start calling her the Elderly Trollop then! (I usually object strongly to ageism, but I'm prepared to make an exception in this case)

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 18:37

FraglesRock, she comes to mine when DH is at work on the premise of wanting to picks the children up from school so we're alone then. When we're at hers, she'll find a reason like, "Darling, come and give me your honest opinion about this new dress" (cue: I'm upstairs alone with her with DC and DH in the kitchen out of earshot. She's really clever and manipulative. Granted, though, I have facilitated this behaviour by going along with it. 2020 will be different though.

OP posts:
Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 18:38

Elderly trollop about sums her up!!

OP posts:
Happyandglorious · 02/01/2020 18:43

Mil, I am saying this with care and respect. I will not continue to have you in my life if you are rude to me or about me.
You do not have to pretend to like or repsect me. But you do, from now, need to be polite.
I am not going to give examples, dredge up the past or be drawn into an argument or fight. I am not going to tolerate you going behind my back and complaining about me to my husband.
I am telling you now that this is it. I will not be disrespected anymore.
Respect me or our relationship is over.
Said in low voice. Get up and leave if she cries.

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 18:46

Great advice Happy and glorious, thank you.

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Happyandglorious · 02/01/2020 18:48

I am so irritated on you behalf @Rosie102

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 18:51

Thank you. Every time I see her I feel like I'm being psychoanalysed. It really is starting to affect my self-esteem.

OP posts:
Rollonspringtime2020 · 02/01/2020 18:56

Remind her that sexual active with multiple partners requires regulars sti check ups and would she like you to go with her for moral support? Then remind her she actually hasn't got any morals...
She won't repeat that conversation to your dh will she?

EscapeTheCastle · 02/01/2020 18:57

Everyone's giving examples of snappy comebacks. Are these possible in the heat of the moment?

Like the OP I'm never ready for my MIL killer blows.
In Indiana Jones he responds with "HA HA HA....son of a bitch" , maybe the the HAHAHA part would give us enough time to devise the response.

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 19:02

Her nasty jibes still take the wind out of my sails 12 years later. My family are just nice, decent people who treat people fairly. I've not been used to mind games and manipulation. Still don't get it. Thank God, I suppose.

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 02/01/2020 19:03

Stop letting her in, tell the kids to get their stuff and go, any questions from her is met with, sorry we're in a rush.

But I love a pp message to her