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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL driving me insane.

85 replies

Rosie102 · 01/01/2020 22:46

To cut a long story short, I have a very difficult relationship with my MIL. For the past decade, she has made nasty comments about me and my family. It's never blatent and in front of my DP, instead she waits until we're alone and says things like, "Darling, where did you get that mascara? It makes SUCH a difference. I couldn't believe how you looked without it last week!" Or, "Do you know what, darling, considering where you started in life, you haven't done badly have you?!" She has nothing to do with my family, who she looks down on and regularly tries to slate in front of my children.

When I was suffering with PND, she told me to stop playing the victim card ("We could all do it, darling, but most of us battle on bravely.")

When I decided to stay at home with my youngest daughter instead of returning to work she called me financially naive and said that I was being unfair to her son who would now have to take the whole burden of providing for us.

Today she turned up and couldn't wait to tell me about how she's been meeting up regularly with my DP's ex. She was telling me what an expensive house the ex lives in, how hard she works and how great she's looking these days ("She always asks after you" she remembered to include when my DP walked in. Oh and, "I have no idea why she wants to go out of her way to meet with me. I mean, I just can't think."

These are literally just a handful of things that she's said. As the new year starts, I realise that I can't take another year of this. AIBU to want to sever ties with her (obv would never get in the way of DP or children seeing her) Anyone got any ideas about how to handle this difficult situation?

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Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 19:11

In my darker moments, I feel like finding the wife of the man she's shagging and giving her the heads up. Trying to be bigger than that though. Keep thinking she's gone low so I'll go high, but it is tempting...

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Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 19:15

Of course, she loves her other DIL (wife of her other son) as she's from a much more suitable background (pah, spit!) Speaks with a plum in her mouth and runs two successful businesses. That just makes me feel more shit.

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Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 19:16

Has loads of pictures of the other grandchildren and the other DIL up. We're relegated to behind the fireplace out of sight!!

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JellyNo15 · 02/01/2020 19:17

What a cow. However, these type MIL threads astound me. I would never want to make anyone my DS loves feel bad, but why do DIL's put up with it? Also if my DS let anyone speak to his DW in this way I would be very disappointed in him.

Glad to read you are going to stand up the her OP. I know if will be uncomfortable the first few times your challenge her but it gets easier very quickly the more you do it.

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 19:27

It has definitely been a bone of contention over the years that DH has not questioned her behaviour and supported me more. I think he has a difficult relationship with her. He was sent to boarding school at 10 and then went straight from uni into work so he doesn't have that typical mother/son bond you'd expect. It's all pretty formal between them.

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Jux · 02/01/2020 19:37

Love the suggestion of repeating her nonsense back at her. Do that. And as dh returns say "mil was just explaining what she meant by xxxx".

If dh doesn't see how horrible she is once you've done that a few times, divorce him Grin

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 19:39

I'll try it, Jux, and see what happens!

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Owlypants · 02/01/2020 19:56

Is your mil patsy from abfab?

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 20:08

She looks just like her, Owlypants: peroxide blonde hair, red lippy, loads of eyeliner. Oh and she's an old lush, too. She mocks me when I won't join her for drinks around the lunch table ("Oh, you old bore, come on!)

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Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 20:11

Maybe I should write down everything she says to me and turn it into a book. At least then I could make some money out of her. I could dedicate it to her!!

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Cocobean30 · 02/01/2020 20:16

My partner would never allow his mum to talk to me like this. Why are you letting him, let her treat you this way?

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 20:19

It does annoy me, Cocobean30. It's been the source of most of our arguments over the years. I'm starting to feel resentful that I'm not worth him standing up to her.

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FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 02/01/2020 20:25

Hang on a minute. You don't like her. DH isn't close to her. She will turn on your DC one day. Why exactly do you keep having her round? Forget pithy comebacks. Be out. A lot. Be busy. A lot. Be less afraid of being rude. She is rude to you. You can be rude to her. An eye roll and walking out of the room (removing attention) is the only come back you need on the rare occasions the twilight trollop must be in your company.

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 20:28

Good point. I'm not going to be bullied by her anymore. Time to take back control. Twilight trollop- love it!! Suddenly, she's seeming less threatening!!

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mummyway · 02/01/2020 20:37

Life is too short to endure her bs. Cut the poisonous bitch out of your life and have a happy life

mamansnet · 02/01/2020 20:47

I had this. DH was no help. One day I lost it and shouted at her, said I'd had enough of her nasty little comments Nd I wasn't putting up with it any more. Went LC for a year and she saw next to nothing of her DGC.

She's (almost) good as gold now. Just needed standing up to.

Cocobean30 · 02/01/2020 20:51

I feel for you @Rosie102 you deserve better than to feel like that. I couldn’t put up with it. Don’t feel bad about putting to yourself first if he won’t

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 21:13

Thank you

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brendansbuddy · 02/01/2020 21:23

I'd so like to come and have a quiet word with her. Shame her by being the grown up, her comments are not acceptable, she's rude etc.

trilbydoll · 02/01/2020 21:30

I rolled my eyes at an ex's mum once and she never spoke to me again. Turns out some people find it really offensive. Might be an easy win Grin

NoEffort · 02/01/2020 21:39

Buy the book 'The little house' by Philippa Gregory and tell her you loved it and felt like you really related to the characters and lend it to her to read.

It's actually a very cathartic read of you have awful in-laws (it was made into a tv programme as well) and it's great if you leave it laying around and the in-laws read the synopsis Grin

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 21:42

Thanks, No Effort. I'll get that!

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SandyY2K · 02/01/2020 21:54

If your DH can't get her to stop and you're not quick with comebacks, you need to avoid spending time alone with her.

When she asks to come over, tell her you already have plans.

If she wants to pick the DC up, tell her you'll let her know when it's convenient.

Ppl like her behave that way because they get away with it. My BIL tried this with me once and I put him in his place. He's never done it again.

Unfortunately my DH is very non confrontational and just told me to ignore him.

Truth be told BIL behaved that way to me because he knows DH wouldn't say anything...he would never do it to other BILS wife.

He knows not to mess with me now.... or say any nonsense about me.

You need to fight fire with fire. If you bow down and be a doormat you'll get trampled on.

Alternatively, you can tell MIL it's best she only visits when DH is around, as she makes you feel uncomfortable.

Shelby2010 · 02/01/2020 22:13

How about keeping a little notebook on you. When she makes a nasty remark, don’t say anything just smile & take out the notebook & write it down. When she asks what you’re doing just a breezy ‘Nothing!’.

Rosie102 · 02/01/2020 22:21

Haha. Like that one!!

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