MIL driving me insane.

[Rosie102]

To cut a long story short, I have a very difficult relationship with my MIL. For the past decade, she has made nasty comments about me and my family. It's never blatent and in front of my DP, instead she waits until we're alone and says things like, "Darling, where did you get that mascara? It makes SUCH a difference. I couldn't believe how you looked without it last week!" Or, "Do you know what, darling, considering where you started in life, you haven't done badly have you?!" She has nothing to do with my family, who she looks down on and regularly tries to slate in front of my children.

When I was suffering with PND, she told me to stop playing the victim card ("We could all do it, darling, but most of us battle on bravely.")

When I decided to stay at home with my youngest daughter instead of returning to work she called me financially naive and said that I was being unfair to her son who would now have to take the whole burden of providing for us.

Today she turned up and couldn't wait to tell me about how she's been meeting up regularly with my DP's ex. She was telling me what an expensive house the ex lives in, how hard she works and how great she's looking these days ("She always asks after you" she remembered to include when my DP walked in. Oh and, "I have no idea why she wants to go out of her way to meet with me. I mean, I just can't think."

These are literally just a handful of things that she's said. As the new year starts, I realise that I can't take another year of this. AIBU to want to sever ties with her (obv would never get in the way of DP or children seeing her) Anyone got any ideas about how to handle this difficult situation?

Your husband doesn’t get to throw you under the bus to be sneered at and used as entertainment by his shit mother because he ‘doesn’t like confrontation’. So fucking what? you don’t like being treated like scum by his mother. There’s no need for you to have the woman in your life, if your feeble, pathetic husband needs to have her in his life, fine, great, he can see her in his own time, away from your property.
There’s no need to allow this for one second. And no need for the witty retorts, which’ll just feed her craving for drama and attention.

You have my sympathies, my mil is an absolute cow to me.
I have recently been reflecting back her rude comments and whilst they haven't stopped completely, she does appear to be reigning it in a bit.
For example, i was wearing a coat the other day and she commented on it, then followed it up by saying 'well of course, you can't do it up' (i can, but her comment was implying i was too fat). In the past, i would have been too gob struck by her rudeness to say anything, but that time, i looked her square in the face and asked her what she meant by that comment. Everyone fell silent and she was forced to mutter something, but the point was made that no longer will i let her rudeness pass.
Next time, i might just calmly say 'now, now, be polite', like you would to a naughty toddler.

Could you possibly give her a slap when no ones looking

does sound like a narcissist. they are v difficult to deal with. no sense of contrition, about anything , ever. its all about power, control, being top-dog.

another trait I've noticed is they disrespect professionals, anyone with a skill, or particular knowledge, expertise. they dismiss them as a lot of charlatans, could do as well/ better themselves, just after her money. never consult anyone or take, seek advice.

does any of this ring a bell. if so, I think you really have to go LC, if not NC. it can be draining.
the fact that she upset your son, a young child, her DGS, and then mocked his distress is typical of narcissism. gas-lighting, refusing to take responsibility, mocking others' feelings. this is toxic stuff.
she might be amusing to her GC at the moment, like abfab, but as they grow and express their own opinions, and resent how she speaks to you, that will change.
she wont brook any opposition.
its fascist in character. might is right. and she keeps the upper hand. by any means. no scruples. doesn't care.
keep your distance. go LC. and ? get your DH to read this thread.

the fact that she upset your son, a young child, her DGS, and then mocked his distress is typical of narcissism

Wasn't that a different poster?

As always, I find cold and sneery a useful response to this kind of bullshit.

Look dead in her eyes and say, in a tone of disgusted, cold, surprise, "what a rude thing to say." Then turn and walk away.

The key is not to be emotional, which feeds them, but to be a bit haughty/disapproving/removed. Appalled by her manners, not hurt by what she's said. Act as if she's just intentionally burped at the dinner table.

I cannot understand why you are letting her hi jack your life when your DH is at work. Start 2020 and tell her with the kids starting back at school with a new schedule and your new year plans she can no longer just turn up whilst DH is at workand don't back down.

Feing exercise plan, studying, volunteering anything to keep her away. Arrange for her to come to dinner when DH is there, or meet her for a walk when DH is there. Put an end to being alone with her. She is not your friend, she uses you to make herself better and put you down.

If she complains, say 'but DARLING I am freeing you up to spend more time with all your men and to hang out with the ex'

The mascara or anything to do with your appearance 'but it's so easy to stray into bad drag queen terrority when you get older isn't it DARLING'

You're right KC225, no more hijacking! Have shown DH this thread and he's agreed that he needs to support me more in this. Thanks everyone for the great advice.

My FIL is like your MIL when I won’t drink, and after years of this, I just say ‘oh, it’s just empty calories and I’d rather have more of MIL’s lovely cake/ lunch/ dinner’.

(It’s a bit mean, as he is now quite portly, but as he still rates women on whether he’d ‘give them one’ or not, I feel less guilty than I should...). And then I have a restorative pint of wine after they go; I’m not cutting my nose off to spite my face 😉.

She’s vile.

Repeat her nasty comment back to her as a question with a quizzical look so she has to explain herself. She might be really brass-necked and not answer, in which case you either keep looking at her and smiling until she caves, or say “I don’t understand?” to prompt her again to explain. When she has explained you either say “gosh, well, that wasn’t very polite” if she’s been ballsy enough to spell it out, or you carry on with “no, I’m sorry, I’m not following” until you force her to either change the subject or say to your face that she was being a bitch.

Do it innocently and with a smile, and I guarantee she’ll give it up sharpish.