Page 18 | DH is refusing to buy me medicine

bloodyperiod1 · 2020-01-01T22:13:45+00:00

DH (as in dickhead right now) is at a mates house 10 mins away, and has refused to buy me paracetamol for my cramps, my period is due next week and I always get these awful cramps before my period. It hurts, I can’t sleep. Kids in bed, corner shop down the road from me and he says I should wait til he gets home, and he doesn’t know when he’s leaving. Shop is closing 11pm. He’s got a car and it will literally take him 2mins to come here. AIBU to think he’s being inconsiderate? [sad]

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 14:59

@paranoidmum2 from the other side, though, do you not think that maybe he was annoyed by the formula because it's drilled into us that breast is best and he didn't get any say in whether the baby was switching to formula?

I agree 100% that a woman's body is her own and no man gets to force a woman to breastfeed if she doesn't want to, but he said he'd get formula in the morning if she was certain. If you refer back to my post at 09:52 you'll see I was in a similar position and was grateful DP didn't just run out and get formula when I asked him to.

People also didn't comment so much on the formula thing because that wasnt posted til the next day, but if you refer back you'll see the majority of posters did acknowledge he was a twat for that.
Not sure one fallout justifies calling him an abuser though (although, yes, I acknowledge one punch or slap would make him an abuser)

Lweji · 03/01/2020 15:08

If the OP could have got paracetamol within 10 min from her husband, which would probably sort her pain within 30 min, why should she go for the trouble of a warm bath first?

Him being a dick, then sure, try something else, including sleeping pills.

What I did reply to, in terms of alternatives, was this (which is basically saying that taking pain killers or a bath is the same, the bath being better):
"I would really recommend a warm bath and a hot water bottle. It’s a much nicer way of reliving the pain than paracetamol or Nurofen"

"It doesn't work for me, as much as I would love it to."

Another commenting that paracetamol can be good for period pain (it's for me) but saying that ibuprofen is better (for me). - so not trashing suggestions of ibuprofen

A third pointing out to you that paracetamol is not "pretty ineffective", and a forth showing the NHS doesn't actually say it.

So, hardly " just busy trashing any suggestion whatsoever other than paracetamol, because that’s what works for you."

PanicAndRun · 03/01/2020 15:12

I have yet to meet a man that has had "breast is best" drilled into him.

pallisers · 03/01/2020 15:16

If she's responsible for doing the weekly shop she sounds rubbish. There's certain things you don't run out of and formula is definitely one of them. It's the babies only source of food. It's like letting your cupboards get completely bare

I think AIBU would shut down if people were taught proper comprehensions skills these days.

The breastfed baby was struggling to get enough milk in the middle of the night. The mother wanted him to get formula so she could try feeding him formula. That prince among men refused.

But let's say she did run out of formula and he refused to get some on the basis "you are responsible for the weekly shop and were rubbish at it and you need to have personal responsibilty" and goes back to sleep leaving her with a hungry baby. That's ok is is?

Greggers2017 · 03/01/2020 15:21

@pallisers I'd refuse if somebody wanted me to go to the shop in the middle of the night. She wanted formula, so I'm presuming she already had bottles and a steriliser, you'd struggle to buy those in e middle of the night.

My midwife gave me the perfect piece of advice when I was pregnant with my first and it was to have a box of those ready made bottles in just in case of any issues. I've stuck by it with all my children. They were a godsend when I got rushed into hospital with mastitis and DP had to
Look after the baby.

Walkaround · 03/01/2020 15:22

Lweji - saying something doesn’t work for you as much as you would love it to is trashing it. As for how quickly her dh could stop what he was doing, get to the corner shop (she doesn’t say how far away the corner shop is - it’s “down the road” from her, not down her road, and an unknown distance from the friend’s house), buy paracetamol for her, drop it off and see how she is and then get back to his friend’s, is an unknown quantity. He might actually not have been in a fit state to drive, anyway, so that would be a considerable walk. And I would not want to drop off painkillers for my spouse and then bugger off again, anyway - the phonecall would have ruined my evening, as I would have worried about my dh. And that is why I personally would think twice before I contacted my dh and asked him to get me painkillers and would try other things first.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 15:29

I have yet to meet a man that has had "breast is best" drilled into him.

Did your DH not attend your antenatal classes then? Because every woman I know whose partner went with them to antenatal classes and/or midwife appointments is on board...

paranoidmum2 · 03/01/2020 15:38

@GiveHerHellFromUs

@paranoidmum2 from the other side, though, do you not think that maybe he was annoyed by the formula because it's drilled into us that breast is best and he didn't get any say in whether the baby was switching to formula?

I don't think so no. I think he was annoyed that OP proved him wrong that all she needed to do was 'keep trying' because she went out the next morning to get formula.

I agree 100% that a woman's body is her own and no man gets to force a woman to breastfeed if she doesn't want to, but he said he'd get formula in the morning if she was certain. If you refer back to my post at 09:52 you'll see I was in a similar position and was grateful DP didn't just run out and get formula when I asked him to.

He said he would get formula, but he didn't. Just as he told OP he would bring her paracetamol, but he came home at 1.30am without paracetamol.

People also didn't comment so much on the formula thing because that wasnt posted til the next day, but if you refer back you'll see the majority of posters did acknowledge he was a twat for that.

I don't think a majority of posters have acknowledged he was a twat for not buying formula.

Not sure one fallout justifies calling him an abuser though (although, yes, I acknowledge one punch or slap would make him an abuser)

Maybe you need to have experienced silent treatment to understand. My ex would do something wrong, and then would engineer an argument so he could not speak to me and the thing that he did wrong was glossed over.

pallisers · 03/01/2020 15:48

@pallisers I'd refuse if somebody wanted me to go to the shop in the middle of the night. She wanted formula, so I'm presuming she already had bottles and a steriliser, you'd struggle to buy those in e middle of the night.

Seriously? Your baby is crying, your partner is really upset. And you refuse and roll over and go back to sleep. How do you think your partner will feel about you? How do you feel about yourself? How will the next morning be "Hi love did you ever get back to sleep or is junior still screaming with hunger - oh I see you went out yourself and sorted it. great"

I suppose you are married to someone with similar values so it isn't a problem. OP doesn't have the same values though which is going to mean endless stress for her.

PanicAndRun · 03/01/2020 15:54

In contrast, OH delivered formula ready made bottles at 4 am in the hospital. He didn't even get to come and see us or spend time with the baby as it was outside visiting hours. Entirely fair enough. He delivered, went back home,slept some and was back at 9 am with food for me.

Baby was crying,I was crying and the midwives had been fairly reluctant and rather fussy about giving me two bottles that were now empty. That was enough for him and he's not even a "perfect" partner,far from that.

paranoidmum2 · 03/01/2020 16:02

And I'm guessing when he has 'manflu' OP's DH expects to drop everything.

Lweji · 03/01/2020 16:27

@Walkaround
So, you've made up a narrative in your head, and you're sticking to it, regardless. Ok.

Walkaround · 03/01/2020 16:43

Lweji - pot and kettle.

feelingverylazytoday · 03/01/2020 17:20

I just wouldn't call for paracetamol, I'd be embarrassed
So would I, tbh. Obviously it would be different if it was a real emergency, but this isn't it.
As far as the formula goes, obviously slightly different as it as for the baby, but I would think you should be prepared for any situation, and keep a couple of bottles and some cartons of pre prepared formula in the cupboard, just in case. Like if your baby needs it on a Sunday night and all the supermarkets are shut. But that's down to both parents.

Greggers2017 · 03/01/2020 17:43

@pallisers what I'm saying is the OP should have been more organised. You get list after list of what to get to prepare for a baby. If she had bottles why did she not have milk?
There is always the chance that breast feeding can fail or face difficulties.

Walkaround · 03/01/2020 17:58

This is your narrative, Lweji: “If the OP could have got paracetamol within 10 min from her husband, which would probably sort her pain within 30 min, why should she go for the trouble of a warm bath first?”

There is no point banging on about the dh being selfish and not wanting to put himself out for his spouse if you do not expect her to give any consideration to his point of view, or are just happy to dismiss it regardless. Care and consideration cuts both ways. Whether jumping straight to phoning your spouse and asking him or her to get you paracetamol immediately is reasonable or not depends, imvho, amongst other things, on the importance to the other party of the night out, how easily interrupted the evening is, and whether it might actually just ruin the rest of the night out for the other person, not just on how (unrealistically) quickly you think they can get it to you. It also depends on how genuinely bad the pain is, and the fact is, the OP was not in agony all night and calling the out of hours doctor, she simply went to sleep.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 18:01

If she had bottles why did she not have milk?

Because you can express milk and bottle feed baby so you don't necessarily need formula just because you have bottles

paranoidmum2 · 03/01/2020 18:38

@Greggers2017

what I'm saying is the OP should have been more organised.

But not her husband?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 18:46

Oh @paranoidmum2 I meant to reply to you earlier. You're right, I've never been in a relationship where someone created arguments and then ignored me as a form of punishment and I'm sorry you have been through that.

In that case I completely understand where you're coming from in terms of stonewalling, though OP only gave that one example of him ever doing it so I kind of gave him the benefit of the doubt because I think everything's difficult with a new baby and people get tetchy about weird things.

PanicAndRun · 03/01/2020 18:52

The lengths some people will go to minimise,excuse and dismiss shit behaviour from men.

pallisers · 03/01/2020 18:53

@pallisers what I'm saying is the OP should have been more organised.

that's not all you were saying. You said you would refuse to go out to get formula in those circumstances. Obviously this is the relationship you and your husband have forged but in many relationships this would be so deeply unkind to an upset mother and baby that it would sour things forever.

And yeah maybe she should have anticipated her baby would have a meltdown in the middle of the night and she would desperately want to give him some formula. Maybe not. When I breastfed I had bottles because I expressed but didn't have formula in the house. But the idea that my husband would be justified in going back to sleep leaving me with a screaming baby I was struggling to feed ... do people really think it is ok to live like that?

paranoidmum2 · 03/01/2020 18:59

@GiveHerHellFromUs thank you for your understanding, I hope it was just a one-off for OP. Yes, it’s a horrible existence, death by a thousand cuts, as they say.

CrisisCrunchie · 03/01/2020 20:11

Sorry, but I think YABU.. you should have basic meds that you might need in the house for times like this..
expecting your DH to cut short his time with his friend because you didn’t plan ahead is both controlling & kinda pathetic really

CaptSkippy · 03/01/2020 20:15

Or we have higher standards for.oureselves and believe in personal responsibility.

It's like I am listening to Margaret Thatcher's ghost.

Creepster · 03/01/2020 22:17

"...what I'm saying is the OP should have been more organised.

When a woman is in pain, stuck at home, without a car, with three sleeping children, and a partner who refuses to help her, it is not the time to tell her she should have been better organized.
Srsly? Don't you think she effing knows that if she had been better organized she would not have married and procreated with a man like this??
It is cruel to kick people when they are down.