Were they rude? Or am I over-thinking it?

[zingally]

This concerns my older sister and her fiancée. She is late 30s, he is mid-40s, and both are on the autistic spectrum but not officially diagnosed, but both live independently, hold down good jobs etc. Sister openly admits she's on the spectrum and understands she sees the world differently. Her fiancée doesn't/can't/won't acknowledge it, and his poor behaviours/social mis-steps are always someone else's fault.

For Christmas, I asked my mum to make me up a hamper of foody bits as my present. She did as requested. Went to a lot of trouble to decorate a box nicely and filled it up with a mixture of food items, household bits, and a couple of jokey items that she wrapped up. I really enjoyed looking through the hamper, unwrapping the bits and bobs and it was just nice all-round. It was just mum and I for Christmas day, so sister and fiancée didn't see my reaction to the hamper.

A few days later, sister and fiancée turn up, and mum has done a hamper for them as well. They hadn't asked for it, but neither of them told mum what they wanted, so she just did the same as she did me.

They both sat down on the floor to open it, mum hovering over them expectantly, expecting a bit of a pleased fuss, like I'd made.

Sister was virtually silent, fiancée just went, "Oh, sponges, I've got loads of them." They spent maybe a minute poking through it, didn't say thank you, and then just went back to their seats on the sofa. Mum looked a bit disappointed, but didn't say anything.

My question is, would I be wrong to say anything to my sister like, "did you thank mum for the hamper?" I just know that mum put a lot of work into it, and their response was underwhelmed, bordering cold.

I KNOW they're both autistic, and social norms pass them by a lot of the time, but they're reasonably functioning, established adults, and SHOULD know how to behave appropriately to a gift that someone has obviously put time and effort into. But is it my place to raise it with them? I know the answer is probably "not your problem", but I'm very protective of mum (more so since my dad died in 2017) and hate seeing her disappointed by my sister.

There is more to unpick, like I feel that my sister hasn't pulled her weight in supporting mum since dad died, or while he was ill in the year before he passed. And I totally see that is a contributory factor as to why I'm cross about something like a Christmas hamper. It's a little bit the final straw in a long like of annoyances!

Isn't your dm used to her dd being like this?

My dd tends to thank people properly later once things have sunk in. She's not brilliant at hiding disappointment but tries her best.

She is high functioning and holds down a really good job. She also knows there are times when a brief 'thanks very much' is appropriate (especially with people who don't know her well).

Loads of sponges. Victoria sponges or face sponges?

Absolutely fine. I'm a teacher and mainstream school have lots of pupils who are on the spectrum but independent like your sister. We have a lot of training and the thing that always sticks with me is a comment made by a woman with Aspergers who came in to talk to us about what the world looks like from her pov. She said 'Don't teach me to be sociable, teach me to be socially acceptable'. Your sis needs to know that the socially acceptable thing to do would have been to have said thank you for the gift. It might not have been to her taste, but it was made with thought and love.

Your mum must be used to this, no?

@phoenixrosehere regardless of whether or not the sister was happy with the present or not, surely she should say thank you and act as though she is happy about the effort mum went to? Just because it's not what she specifically asked for, doesn't mean that manners go out of the window?

Who gives sponges as part of a Christmas present unless specifically requested

I mean, I’d probably remember to say thank you but I’d need to process my confusion first.

Depends on how she normally reacts to receiving gifts. I’m guessing you’ve been present during present opening before, so if she has generally in the past been polite and grateful when accepting a gift, then there’s absolutely no excuse for her to behave differently on this occasion. And I would call her out on it if she tried to pass off it being down to autism if she tries to justify being rude this time, when she hasn’t previously.

@RunningAwaywiththeCircus

Actually my Niece has autism but her parents aren’t as rude, self righteous or condescending like you.

Sponges do sound shit though
my thoughts exactly.

As usual, 'autism' seems to be an excuse for everything these days!!
This is why I'm asking, if there's no diagnosis, who exactly decided they're autistic?

Tbh I'd be annoyed if I had an autistic child and I was reading this thread, neither of the people in the OP have been assessed or diagnosed and it's all guesswork on the OP's part.

It's like when someone posts a thread about their lazy/ignorant/gobby DH/DP and the armchair experts jump to on to suggest they're autistic/Asperger/"on the spectrum".

Sister was virtually silent, fiancée just went, "Oh, sponges, I've got loads of them." They spent maybe a minute poking through it, didn't say thank you, and then just went back to their seats on the sofa.

Sounds like they were confused by the gift. Would it have been better if they had given a thanks that was obvious that they weren’t keen on it? Seems either way, your mum would have been disappointed regardless if they had said thank you or not.

Tangential to the question, but, a PP recommended Atypical - it has not been well-received by the autism community and shouldn’t be looked to as a good example of representation. It has no autistic people on the production team. I’ve only seen bad comments from the community.

Anyway, I wouldn’t say anything to your sister. YANBU to be annoyed but it’s only going to make more of a problem.

Works both ways though doesn't it? Sister might have looked at the sponges and thought it was some passive aggressive dig from your mum. It is a weird unexpected gift to receive. I got a hamper, mine was full of jam, butterscotch biscuits, lemon curd etc. If there had been sponges I might have also been bemused 🤪

If your sister is mid-30s isn't your mother used to this sort of thing?

I am NT and tbh I would be a bit confused by a gift of sponges and other household items.

Maybe just leave it.

So you wanted a hamper, you were delighted when you got what you wanted. For whatever reason your mum decided to give them the same present - which may or may not have been something they wanted. If someone gave me sponges I would also be a bit 'meh'. A thank you for any present is expected. But as someone who lives with a teenager on the spectrum, his interests are so specific he really would not be overly enthusiastic about a gift that was so completely unrelated.

I think it would be wise not to step in OP. Your Mum will be used to this and while it's hurtful she will have learnt to deal will these things over the years. I have a teenage daughter with ASD and I know what to expect and yes it can be upsetting sometimes, but I get over it. I have taught my daughter to say thank you - but it's never instinctive so once in a while she forgets. I bought a gift at Christmas that I thought she'd love and got a very disappointing response. Yet since Christmas she has used the item repeatedly and constantly raved about it. Your sister may realise the value in the gift afterwards even if she didn't quite get it at the time.

@misspiggy19 you know it’s a spectrum right? I hope you’re not as patronising and know-it-all to your niece’s parents.

OP im autistic and terrible at receiving gifts that i don't like. Although i have like a "script" in my head so i think to myself... "you have received a present, say thank you". I can and will say thank you, but cannot hide being underwhelmed by the gift. I know in hindsight that this comes across as rude, but only after it's been pointed out.

YANBU to quietly mention to your sister and her fiancee that they should go and thank your mother even if they didn't like it

YABU to expect them to react normally or appreciate a gift that is unusual and probably unwanted (it's not something with gift receipt that can be returned for monetary value either)

Logically, to me, that gift makes no sense and i wouldn't be happy to receive it. But i would force myself to thank someone for it and try to smile (cant fake one for the life of me and it looks cold, robotic and obvious)

Obviously i dont speak on behalf of autistic people, just speaking from my own experiences

I don't see the relevance of how you reacted so positively to your present as it was exactly as you requested. Your sister and her fiance should have said thank you. Perhaps they did later when you were out of earshot. You have no idea if they are both autistic.