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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can’t get over being left by DH for a younger woman

192 replies

Flowerbombs6 · 30/12/2019 12:47

Last year DH (45) ended our marriage of 20 years. He’d been having an affair with a 25 year old woman and eventually left to be with her, after a year of going behind my back. We have one child together (conceived at 38 after IVF). Throughout our marriage, DH was rarely around due to focussing on his business which required him to work at home until the early hours and go abroad often. Money was tight and I was the one financially supporting us both, along with all of the mental support DH needed to encourage him to keep going with the business through hard times. We didn’t have holidays, no fancy things, rarely any quality time together... but I supported him because I loved him.

DH’s business became very successful and financially lucrative, he’s now taken a back seat from the day to day running of the business and is effectively semi-retired. Since leaving me for his new girlfriend, they’ve been on endless luxury holidays, have a beautiful house, fancy cars and he appears to be spoiling her with high end gifts left right and centre (I know all of this because embarrassingly, I can’t help myself from stalking her public social media pages). I feel as though his new girlfriend is getting to enjoy his best years, whilst I’m left to raise our DC at home with barely enough time exercise or do anything for myself and it really hurts. I’m in my 40s, not in great shape since having DC and lost my looks years ago. Meanwhile DH has shacked up with a stunningly beautiful woman half my age who has everything I don’t and are living a life of luxury.

Today DH dropped off DC after having her for a couple of days. DC told me that Daddy’s girlfriend is beautiful like a princess and asked why I didn’t look like her and whether that was why Daddy left us. It broke my heart and I can’t stop crying. AIBU for feeling sickeningly jealous of DH’s new life and for thinking that I’m never going to get over what’s happened? Sad

OP posts:
Blanketed · 30/12/2019 16:20

The best revenge is happiness. Karma will put this to rights OP when his ow becomes bored or moves onto someone her own age.Or he becomes bored realising that he has nothing in common with her. Midlife crisis what a saddo! By then you'll be sorted. Your dc will see the situation for what it is. At the moment your dc is trying to logically work out what's happened. It doesn't change the way dc feels about you. Don't forget that social media is just a face and people only post what they want others to see. They're not going to post miserable photos after all are they? Might not be as rosy as it seems. How can she trust someone that she got with whilst he lied to his wife? I'd be worried that he'd do it again. So good riddance I say. Screw him for everything. One day this'll seem like a blurry distant memory.

BaolFan · 30/12/2019 16:24

Good points about getting evidence from social media now, because when he finds out that you're using this as evidence of financial means, she'll block you straight away or set everything to private.

GinDaddy at this point all you are doing is derailing the thread which is very unfair to the OP. If you have an issue with how a poster has addressed you then perhaps that's best taken elsewhere.

Pollyhops · 30/12/2019 16:27

What an arsehole. I hope karma hit him hard, until then I hope your lawyer does.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 30/12/2019 16:31

Play nice, on the surface of it. Be friendly, be calm. Pretend to be reasonable....

Whilst you get all your ducks in a row. Enough cash in an account he cannot access, to pay legal fees and living costs. Get a good solicitor. Get evidence, copies of paperwork

He won't play nice. He wants to keep it "out of the courts" for his own benefits. He is a dock, you owe him nothing.

You owe it to yourself to get everything you can.

Focus on that.

girlygirl98 · 30/12/2019 16:32

Get everything possible in the divorce. Start playing very mean. Get yourself a makeover. Your boobs done. Whatever and don't let him drag you down. She'll just rinse him and leave him in the end

Djchickpea · 30/12/2019 16:34

He has shown you who he really is. A selfish shallow shit. You've been set free

gromberry · 30/12/2019 16:38

God, what an absolute shit. Thanks I know it must feel v difficult not to, but I would try to go cold turkey on the insta stalking. It achieves nothing except making you feel like shit.

Could you try to focus on trying to introduce some things to your life that make you feel happy and more confident? I like prev suggestions like haircut, but also maybe a new hobby, new friends? X

Bookiewook · 30/12/2019 16:42

Focus on protecting yourself in the divorce, which you need to prioritise. Funnily enough business always seems to be bad when a divorce is in prospect, don't fall for it. 20 year marriage = you are entitled to 1/2 that business or the equivalent in assets. Lawyer up and know your rights.

Don't waste your energy worrying about this woman (girl) and her looks, you're old enough to know better (and I mean that as a compliment). Looks fade, and it seems clear why she is with him. More fool him. It feels tough now and may feel tough for a while, but your future can be bright and filled with love with someone who won't take advantage of you in this way and will love you for who you are. Be thankful for those years in which you supported him - they mean that you can now support yourself and your DC.

Social media is not your friend. Delete your own accounts if you can't resist checking hers. Use blockers so you can't sneak on. Block her profile so that you can't see it without deactivating it. There are lots of tricks I have used - we all find this hard but ignorance really is bliss and the alternative is hellish. Focus on real life, friendships, your family, your DC. Whoever recommended exercise was on to a winner. Eat healthily and take care of yourself. I haven't been in your shoes but heartbreak is the worst. It does get easier with time and your perspective will shift so that one day you will realise it is not the loss that it feels now. Life has a funny way of catching up with people like your husband. All the best and stay strong.

gromberry · 30/12/2019 16:43

Btw, she will be 40 when he is 60. Can't see her sticking around...and by then you will be in a happy relationship with a much nicer man and not giving him a second thought

GinDaddy · 30/12/2019 16:48

For all the tens of people offering the crumb of comfort that "she'll leave him when he's older" stuff ...

I'm not sure this is really a reassurance.

Maybe he knows this already, maybe he's being reckless and just out for what he can get while he can, and doesn't want an ersatz wife or replacement partner.

scaryteacher · 30/12/2019 16:49

Just to cheer you up OP, my Dad did the same thing (db and I were adults) for the second time, (Mum and Dad stayed together after the first time). She wasn't that much younger and was a family friend (or so we thought). Anyway, it didn't last long as dad died just after he turned 60. Mum is still going strong, sees her grandkids and has a good relationship with us all. Who won there?

Booksandwine80 · 30/12/2019 17:39

@girlygirl98

“Get your boobs done”

Really?! Hmm

girlygirl98 · 30/12/2019 17:47

Lol just what I did when my first marriage ended. I think a bit of levelling up is nothing to be ashamed of

Booksandwine80 · 30/12/2019 17:48

@girlygirl98

Sorry, not meaning to minimise your own experience but in general it’s not good advice Flowers

BaolFan · 30/12/2019 17:50

@girlygirl98 if that's what makes you happy then fine, but not everyone feels the need to carve themselves up just so that they 'measure up' to someone else.

JustASmallTownCurl · 30/12/2019 17:59

@girlygirl98

I think people have flagged what you said because it implies that OP will be "higher value" or get "revenge" by having a new set of tits.

That would be exacerbating the opinion that women are worth more with bigger / new tits.

Each to their own but trying to piss off an ex by making lifelong decisions about your body isn't a great idea.

She isn't in competition with the OW, she's starting a new life Smile

Tistheseason17 · 30/12/2019 18:03

OP - you had hope before which is why you waited.

Your hope for what you had is gone - but now you need hope for the future you can provide for yourself and your family.

Be extremely 2 faced with him and say how you'd love to sort things out and on the other side get that lawyer and forensic accountant. My mother stole hundreds of thousands from my dad but he refused to get the evidence and she now lives the life of riley and he has struggled financially. Only trust your lawyer - not your Ex DH's - they lie to get what they want.

Draw inspiration and confidence from everyone on this thread who has posted in support of you! You go for it - life will get eminently better!

girlygirl98 · 30/12/2019 18:33

I meant more like she should indulge herself do whatever would make her feel good. Not compete. Sorry if I came across flippant about surgery!

Lippy1234 · 30/12/2019 18:42

girlygirl98 I don’t think you did come across as flippant. Quite a few posters have suggested the OP doing something for herself whatever that may be. I think anything that takes her mind away from what the STBX and other woman are up to and builds her self esteem can only be a good thing.

JustASmallTownCurl · 30/12/2019 18:52

Sorry if I came across harsh @girlygirl98 that makes perfect sense put like that. I would certainly be having a fucking nice holiday - you're right, each to their own x

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/12/2019 18:54

Flowers. You’re still married to this piece of garbage. I’d have been demanding a divorce the day he walked out and making damn well sure I got every single penny I was entitled to. Why the fuck should she be lavished with what should be your luxury.Angry. With the greatest respect where’s your back bone.
The thing is she won’t stay 25 forever.
He’ll leave her for a younger ‘model’ when she gets into her 40s. She’s more to be felt sorry for, really.

ButtercupGirI · 30/12/2019 19:00

It says alot about someone who will date a married man with children. I am not convinced she will be hanging around when he lost half of his assets through divorce.

Goodmum1234 · 30/12/2019 19:01

Screenshot every single Facebook post and photo tonight before she gets wind and blocks you. Go back as far as you can. Also, you must Then print off directly from the Facebook account (not screenshots as they are digital back ups) so that you get a kind of ‘date stamp’ at the bottom of each photo and comment that is printed. It proves the date and time. File away.
I had to do this but because of a greedy bastard of a step mother and the barrister insisted upon this for use as evidence in a court of law.
Hope that helps.
I’m disgusted so please use your upset and anger today and channel
It into being prepared! Wish I was your friend, I’d help you nail the bastard

Fr0g · 30/12/2019 19:11

sounds ghastly - go and see the film 'Marriage Story' to get prepared for shit hot lawyers!

hope things work out well for you

VeniceQueen2004 · 30/12/2019 20:12

Urgh @GinDaddy if you don't have anything remotely useful or insightful to say DFOD. You're just being deliberately and ponderously tedious. Or at least I hope it's deliberate or you have a lot of glazed-over faces to look forward to at dinner parties.