Can’t get over being left by DH for a younger woman

[Flowerbombs6]

Last year DH (45) ended our marriage of 20 years. He’d been having an affair with a 25 year old woman and eventually left to be with her, after a year of going behind my back. We have one child together (conceived at 38 after IVF). Throughout our marriage, DH was rarely around due to focussing on his business which required him to work at home until the early hours and go abroad often. Money was tight and I was the one financially supporting us both, along with all of the mental support DH needed to encourage him to keep going with the business through hard times. We didn’t have holidays, no fancy things, rarely any quality time together... but I supported him because I loved him.

DH’s business became very successful and financially lucrative, he’s now taken a back seat from the day to day running of the business and is effectively semi-retired. Since leaving me for his new girlfriend, they’ve been on endless luxury holidays, have a beautiful house, fancy cars and he appears to be spoiling her with high end gifts left right and centre (I know all of this because embarrassingly, I can’t help myself from stalking her public social media pages). I feel as though his new girlfriend is getting to enjoy his best years, whilst I’m left to raise our DC at home with barely enough time exercise or do anything for myself and it really hurts. I’m in my 40s, not in great shape since having DC and lost my looks years ago. Meanwhile DH has shacked up with a stunningly beautiful woman half my age who has everything I don’t and are living a life of luxury.

Today DH dropped off DC after having her for a couple of days. DC told me that Daddy’s girlfriend is beautiful like a princess and asked why I didn’t look like her and whether that was why Daddy left us. It broke my heart and I can’t stop crying. AIBU for feeling sickeningly jealous of DH’s new life and for thinking that I’m never going to get over what’s happened?

Take that man to the cleaners! He is indeed quite the "walking cliché".

He knows the courts will look favourably on you.

@FruitcakeOfHate good advice, thank you, I’ll definitely be doing that. I’m certain that he’ll have found a way to hide some of his money. He has advisors around him who know how to twist things to work in his favour.

All the 'take him to the cleaners!' isn't helpful. The courts don't work like that, and you need what is fair considering the length of your marriage and your child. 'Feelings' don't hold up in court, it's about a fair and just settlement. Proving your provided financially to get his business going, however, might well do. Play the long game! He brings up divorce, tell him you're not in a place to discuss things (this whilst you're waiting for the forensic accountant to work and interviewing solicitors). After you have all this sorted, that's when you apply to divorce. He can go through your solicitor when that time comes.

Why have you not initiated divorce proceedings and financial proceedings, if you're worried he's dissipating assets? Have you been hoping he'll leave his new partner and come back to you? Sounds like you need to get your divorce sorted so you can get some closure and move on.

I'm so so sorry and I know exactly how you feel because I supported my husband of 20 years through thick and thin when he was unemployed and struggling, gave him a home when he lost his and sacrificed anything nice for myself during those years but the minute he started finally earning the big money he was off and messing around with younger women like my years of sacrifice meant nothing to him and tried to get half my house to boot (didn't get half as it turned out).
They are ungrateful swine and we are well rid of them.
See this as a blessing in disguise, this is your time, you can do what you want, when you want and make a decent life for yourself. If a pretty face is worth more than you or your child then he is not worth shit.
It's three years on for me and I couldn't be happier. Hang on in there.

I hope you get a great divorce settlement then I hope she bleeds him dry both financially and physically. Dh has several mid-aged friends who have younger gf, I think its looks tragic to see them together and just screams gold digger, for what other reason do young women see in older men other than for money and security? You don’t often see young, attractive girls with poor older men. When I was in my 20’s and older men would hit on me it made my skin crawl. I hope you find some happiness and contentment soon, please try not to compare yourself with her, she is obviously very ugly on the inside to do what she has and as we all know, looks don’t last.

When will it got him that the new woman won’t be a permanent fixture.

I worked with a woman like that. Even her friend said ‘she thought she was marrying a rich man but she still had to work - then she realised there were even more richer men out there’ (she was known to have affairs with progressively more senior members of the team as time went on).

She never had a good word to say about her husband and if you didn’t know it, you’d never guess she had a child.

This sounds exactly the same as one of my very good friends. Except the ow is similar age and the dc is nearly 15.
He is using every trick in the book to drag it out to give him time to hide assets so please don't delay but be prepared for things to be dragged out. He's just at the stage where he'll Have a court order to shape up but it's been 2 years to get to this stage.
Do you have access to funds to cover your own living in the meantime? That's sadly where my friend has really struggled. Totally agree with other posters you need to put you first.

Please stop with the social media stalking, all you are doing is hurting yourself. You've been through enough already, you need to be kind to yourself. All 25 year old's look like princesses - its all the false eyelashes and face contouring ;)

Also she won't want to look after a miserable old man which is what they all become eventually and will be off - you mark my words.

I'm nearly 50, OP, and I've seen a lot of women get screwed in divorce from men like this. They all hide money or attempt to because at heart, they 100% believe the money is entirely theirs and you did nothing. In fact, I'd say a forensic accountant is just as important as a solicitor. His little 'ho is nothing to do with you, he's a clichéd old spoony. She's just there for the cash. Focus your emotions and anger on getting a fair deal for you and your child.

OP how very awful for you. "AIBU for feeling sickeningly jealous of DH’s new life and for thinking that I’m never going to get over what’s happened?"

You are not being at all unreasonable but I think you need to work out a plan to get what you can for yourself from this sad little man.

Firstly, remember that the business is part of you, you supported your dh and you need to get as much as you can from the business for you and your child.

Take the advice here and explain to your child that your husband is living his life how he wants but perhaps point out how you had to go without many things due to building the business. Now you can also enjoy the good things and get yourself into whatever shape you want to, or are able to, not for your ex (the scummy bastard) but for yourself. Let your righteous anger drive you on to get into shape if this is what you want.

Soon enough your dh will twig that this woman is with him, almost certainly, for the wrong reasons. Once you get a good sized chunk of the 'family assets' will he be able to live the high life? Maybe not.

Let your anger drive you to get the best for you and your child.

I'd also stop with he social media (unless it helps built a case for exactly what assets your ex has) and just focus on your future. You are 40 something, I am assume, and you have a great future. It is there for you, but you will not realise it if you are stuck thinking about your evil ex.

The clear message for your child is your husband left because that is what he wanted to do, having sucked a fair bit of the life out of you, it's not something nice to emulate. You need to keep it relatively neutral but you need to ensure your son knows your dh was the one who left, not because of you, but because of himself.

Hopefully his penis will rot and drop off, she will leave him when the money drys up for something younger. Take him for everything hes got op.

If he has his own business it’s so easy for him to make it look like it’s not doing well and hide money. Not easy to get a fair settlement or maintenance in these circumstances.

If he is semi retired, then you need a SHL for a £££££ financial settlement.
Contact Sinclair Gibson in London. sinclairgibson.com/practice-areas/family
they will eat him for breakfast.

Look at his filings at Companies House and get a forensic accountant.

He wants to pretend he is 20 years younger? Fine, go for it but he has got to pay. She was in nappies when you were supporting him building up that wealth.

It hurts so much but now is the time to be tough OP. Unfortunately he is one of those who isn't connected, replaces people and has moved on and is not giving you a second thought.

So now you need the UK Courts bless their hearts to tell him what his obligations actually are.

Thank you everyone for such kind messages. DH is currently being difficult about the divorce and has told he he wants to reach an agreement outside of court

Yes I bet he does, don't fall for any of that shit. Take him to court, get what the judge considers is fair not what your ex thinks is fair. Don't be swayed by threats either.
Get the divorce started via a good solicitor, there is nothing your ex can do to stop it. Get in there first.

He is a shit

I'm not surprised you're upset though, with everything that's happened, and with your childs comment, it's got to hurt.

She will lose her looks though eventually. I imagine in 15 years time, she will look a lot different and either be single or shaked up with a pensioner while her friends are in their 40s.

Concentrate your anger on getting the best divorce settlement you can. Its absolutely disgusting he can be so shallow to try and get out of paying what you're due when you supported him for years and years

I know how tough it is but for your own mental health step away from social media. You've got this and in time it'll get easier

You can also claim those holidays as dissipating family assets.

" He’s been dropping comments here and there about the business not doing too well at the moment (which I know not to be the case) so I can see exactly where it’s going. The rate he seems to be spending out on his new girlfriend I’m concerned there won’t be much left. Time to find a good lawyer."

Screenshot all the spending you can see and talk to a solicitor about what you can do to prove. If the business 'is not doing well' 9in his addled mind), could it be signed over to you. After all, what to lose if it is 'not doing well'! If he running it into the ground maybe it needs a fresh manager, would you feel able to take it on? You could pay him a percentage advantageous to you both that allows you control.

Don't let on anything you are thinking or planning. Don't give him any heads up. Time to be as business savvy as humanly possible.

Just a thought, was the need for fertility treatment you or him, or both of you? I am thinking if she starts pushing for kids you need to be sure your assets are protected.

Lawyer first OP- don't decide or agree to anything until you have legal support.

The reason he is buying her all these lavish gifts is because the guy is nearly 50 and she is in her 20's. I imagine he is trying his best to keep her interested before she flounces off and leaves him for a younger man. OP, you will be happy again oneday. Im so sorry.

@ItsReallyOnlyMe "I've been through similar and am now 'out the other side'. I am so sorry for you too.

"What I tried to do with my DC was to make our home a happy one - no drama - and I was always there for them no matter what. That matters to them a lot more than being beautiful (which I'm sure you still are anyway). That policy has worked for us as they are now at university and I have a fabulous relationship with both of them. This is not the case as with their father. There are consequences to behaving badly - not that he'll realise that yet as he's so busy acting like an idiot." This is excellent advice.

Your ex is a very selfish man and your child will see this in time even if they cannot see it yet.

As someone once said "Dont get mad ,get everything!" Please see a good Solicitor ,and get what you are owed after a long marriage and supporting your husband in his business .Children just say what they think with no filters sometimes ! They love you but dont understand .My own DC when small ,compared me to a model on TV ! I was very flattered but at 5feet in my bare feet and ordinary didnt take it too seriously!

Don't settle out of court

That's his way of pretending to be nice whilst wanting to keep his assets to himself, assets which you helped him accumulate through years of supporting him as his wife!!!!!!!!!

She won't stay with him when she is in her 40s and him in his 60s.