Can’t get over being left by DH for a younger woman

[Flowerbombs6]

Last year DH (45) ended our marriage of 20 years. He’d been having an affair with a 25 year old woman and eventually left to be with her, after a year of going behind my back. We have one child together (conceived at 38 after IVF). Throughout our marriage, DH was rarely around due to focussing on his business which required him to work at home until the early hours and go abroad often. Money was tight and I was the one financially supporting us both, along with all of the mental support DH needed to encourage him to keep going with the business through hard times. We didn’t have holidays, no fancy things, rarely any quality time together... but I supported him because I loved him.

DH’s business became very successful and financially lucrative, he’s now taken a back seat from the day to day running of the business and is effectively semi-retired. Since leaving me for his new girlfriend, they’ve been on endless luxury holidays, have a beautiful house, fancy cars and he appears to be spoiling her with high end gifts left right and centre (I know all of this because embarrassingly, I can’t help myself from stalking her public social media pages). I feel as though his new girlfriend is getting to enjoy his best years, whilst I’m left to raise our DC at home with barely enough time exercise or do anything for myself and it really hurts. I’m in my 40s, not in great shape since having DC and lost my looks years ago. Meanwhile DH has shacked up with a stunningly beautiful woman half my age who has everything I don’t and are living a life of luxury.

Today DH dropped off DC after having her for a couple of days. DC told me that Daddy’s girlfriend is beautiful like a princess and asked why I didn’t look like her and whether that was why Daddy left us. It broke my heart and I can’t stop crying. AIBU for feeling sickeningly jealous of DH’s new life and for thinking that I’m never going to get over what’s happened?

What you've experienced and your inner pain doesn't give you the right to tell me to shut the fuck up.

Actually, I think you'll find that ANYONE can tell you to shut the fuck up.

Sorry to hear it, OP. Keep your pride, though. You sound like a decent, thoughtful person, worth a hundred of your ex and his floozy. If your DD is asking that kind of question, it is time to give her some answers. They need to be age-appropriate but they do not need to hide the reality of what those two have done, and what constitutes a beautiful person. Hoping 2020 brings you better things.

What you will find once your head is in the right place and you've become accustomed to the situation is that your rose tinted glasses fall right off and the cracks in the relationship become very obvious.
It wasn't until my husband left and I had recovered from the initial grief and anguish that I realised actually what an awful person he was and what I had been putting up with all those years.
I must have been blind before.

So many cliches on this thread,

Yes, him, the same tired ol' spoony path.

Just remember that when you first got with him she was 5 🤮

OP I've been in a similar position. You weren't stupid, you were very very loving and committed.

One thing I've found is you need to really feel your anger, really allow it to flow through you, or it'll hold you back. I had to fight my instinct to "be nice", you might too.

Just to add, that was a brilliant description ScreamingLadySutch Let's ignore any dickheads who dismiss it.

nobody ever gets divorced because they want to.

thankfully wanting to is exactly why so many couples do divorce!

You can't trust him again OP.
It always turns me working in a male dominant environment how even the nicest men can turn their back and fight their ex like she is a stranger.

Actually, I think you'll find that ANYONE can tell you to shut the fuck up.

to be fair, on an anonymous forum, telling someone to shut up has absolutely 0 effect on anyone

@Emeraldshamrock

I agree with you that this behaviour is shitty to say the least.

One of the most bizarre things is when certain men act as if someone put a gun to their head and told them to provide DNA for children, and then suddenly the whole thing becomes a massive inconvenience and the mother becomes an enemy.

I may have some issues with the indiscriminate bashing and vindictive caustic curse-fuelled nonsense thrown my way as the token male on the thread, but I agree 100% with your post - why do men do this? Why invalidate a whole period of your life where the person that was meant to be your best friend and partner, suddenly becomes an inconvenience?

Emeraldshamrock I've noticed the same and I can't understand it - I get falling out of love (though I never did with xh ) but suddenly to hate the ex wife -why? Some kind of misguided loyalty to the brand new partner? A feeling of having been stitched up? Misogyny in action? Why??

ffs, get to a solicitor soon and get what you are entitled to.

Sounds absolutely rubbish op, I can understand why you are so upset. I'm sure your DD loves you and wouldn't swap her mum for a princess any day of the week.kids say thoughless things but you sound like a great mum and a kind loving person. You don't deserve to be in this situation but sadly life isn't fair. Try and move on, value yourself, get a good haircut and make time to pamper yourself , even something simple like a good book and a bubble bath or a walk in the countryside. Make sure you get everything you can financially from the divorce, as you are main carer of DD you might be able to get more than 50% get good advice from a solicitor.
If any consolation his new relationship may not last , 25 years is a big age gap to bridge and I'm guessing the luxury lifestyle is the main attraction for his new partner! Try and move on, he doesn't deserve you. Good luck

Perhaps he won't see her for dust when you have at least half of everything, including his pension.

OP - keep track of absolutely everything. Screen shot social media photos of holidays. Screenshot anything which shows money has been spent. Do,it now because when th divorce proceedings start, you’ll find yourself blocked. Keep a diary of time spent on holiday, weekends away etc.

You will need a good settlement and you should,not be left in a financially precarious position whilst he lives it up. Look around the house for any evidence of stocks, shares, Premium Bonds, savings accounts, pensions. Photocopy and keep the copies with someone you trust (and be aware that people do switch sides or wives say things to husbands and it will get back to him). You will need them if he starts pleading poverty. Ask about Global Maintenance Orders as these are much harder to get out of than spousal and child maintenance. Download business accounts and download details of his property (or rental costs of property close by).

You need to find your self preservation mode because as long as you are in poor me mode, the easier it will be for him to take advantage.

Finally, my ex walked a way with a lot and has spent many years not paying maintenance and generally sticking two fingers up at me. He lives a very unhappy life as far as I can make out, regularly asking the children about my friendships and relationships (which I keep very separate from my ex and social media) and seems really angry that I am OK. It has taken a long time to get there and I admit to a level of bitterness from a financial perspective, but our kids know who looks after them and which side their bread is buttered and somehow that’s all the revenge I’ve ever needed.

Take care. You can do it.

Oh my gosh. Children have no filter so there is no malice in what she said. I know it’s not the be all and end all but screw him for everything you can. Heal, and then move on. It really is his loss, she has nothing on you, honestly

@Drabarni

Yes, absolutely 👏🏻

She’ll leave him when he loses it all in the divorce, so make sure to get a top barrister and fleece his ass. Then he’ll be sad, alone and broke and he’ll deserve every bite of his just desserts.

Sorry everyone, but men minimising this desperately painful life experience gets me going.

Kate Blanchett: "Never argue with a woman over 40. They are full of rage and sick of everyone's shit".

Sounds like you’re still married. If so, this is good news. You will now feel no sorrow for him when you get the best lawyer you can afford and take him to the cleaners. She’ll probably go off him when he’s lost half his money, house and has to pay out a shed load of money for at less the next 10 years.

" I didn't realise we had to directly experience everything in life in order to pass comment on it. "

Are you for real? You got uncomfortable listening to the pain of abused women urging another abused woman to stand up for herself and her child ...

and decided to call it 'bitter'? Really?

IF you are worried about that man (new pussy, younger body, lets call a Thing a Thing, People!), don't. He will financially recover within about 6 years. Wealthy men are always attractive and can get new life partners.

Her? Not so much. Abandoned women make up the majority of the aged poor. Which is why we are urging her to stand up for herself and her child.

Just telling you some sociological facts here

Joining the chorus telling you to get the most shit hot lawyer you can afford and get your fair share of the money he earned, basically off your back.

Young children are often brutally honest, but are somewhat fickle and naive. They'll soon put the pieces together that the new girlfriend might be more objectively beautiful than you, but is a shitty excuse for a human being on the inside who doesn't have their best interests at heart at all. That subjectively, you are far far superior than her in all the respects that actually matter. They'll also realise what a piece of work your soon to be ex husband is for allowing this to happen and then trying to deprive you all of a decent settlement.

Agree with the others about a good divorce settlement being the way forward, but also take screen shots now of any evidence you can from social media because you can bet your life as soon as he realises where your information is coming from he’ll get his girlfriend to shut it down.

Did I say I got uncomfortable? Did I say I was worried about the OP's ex in the slightest?

You are projecting from your own painful experience and I am sorry for your pain, but for god's sake leave me out of this - I made a comment, you addressed it, move on. No need for "facts", I'm up on my sociology and I have every sympathy and respect for the OP.

You are owed half the value of his company. Get a professional valuer (forensic accountant or similar) to say what it is worth. 6 x operating profits plus cash less debt. Could be more. Check accounts on companies house. Watch out for him draining the cash on holidays with his girlfriend. Half that holiday money is yours!!!!!