Can’t get over being left by DH for a younger woman

[Flowerbombs6]

Last year DH (45) ended our marriage of 20 years. He’d been having an affair with a 25 year old woman and eventually left to be with her, after a year of going behind my back. We have one child together (conceived at 38 after IVF). Throughout our marriage, DH was rarely around due to focussing on his business which required him to work at home until the early hours and go abroad often. Money was tight and I was the one financially supporting us both, along with all of the mental support DH needed to encourage him to keep going with the business through hard times. We didn’t have holidays, no fancy things, rarely any quality time together... but I supported him because I loved him.

DH’s business became very successful and financially lucrative, he’s now taken a back seat from the day to day running of the business and is effectively semi-retired. Since leaving me for his new girlfriend, they’ve been on endless luxury holidays, have a beautiful house, fancy cars and he appears to be spoiling her with high end gifts left right and centre (I know all of this because embarrassingly, I can’t help myself from stalking her public social media pages). I feel as though his new girlfriend is getting to enjoy his best years, whilst I’m left to raise our DC at home with barely enough time exercise or do anything for myself and it really hurts. I’m in my 40s, not in great shape since having DC and lost my looks years ago. Meanwhile DH has shacked up with a stunningly beautiful woman half my age who has everything I don’t and are living a life of luxury.

Today DH dropped off DC after having her for a couple of days. DC told me that Daddy’s girlfriend is beautiful like a princess and asked why I didn’t look like her and whether that was why Daddy left us. It broke my heart and I can’t stop crying. AIBU for feeling sickeningly jealous of DH’s new life and for thinking that I’m never going to get over what’s happened?

" Proving your provided financially to get his business going, however, might well do. Play the long game! He brings up divorce, tell him you're not in a place to discuss things (this whilst you're waiting for the forensic accountant to work and interviewing solicitors). After you have all this sorted, that's when you apply to divorce. He can go through your solicitor when that time comes." - FOLLOW THIS ADVICE

The biggest mistake women make is trying to be nice. Don't be nice. Protect yourself and your child's future. Be the meanest bulldog. Don't move without a forensic accountant.

OW will have children and he will have a new family and YOU must be your child's warrior.

I'm so sorry OP. Been there except my ex-h left me for a much older, unattractive, narcissistic piece of shit. I am not sure what's worse. You WILL get there...please try and practice some self care and seek some counselling/therapy. That saved me and made me realise what a toxic pair they are and how much better off I am out of the marriage. I too am am now a single mum in the truest sense (50, with an 8 year old). I like it. You can get through it.

In terms of divorce. I would actually avoid an out of court settlement. The courts have seen twats like your husband a million times before and all the drip feeding about how things are financially fraught. It's bollocks and please treat it as such. Get yourself a good, ballsy lawyer. See a few. Keep the evidence about their prolific lifestyle as he is currently draining marital assets and in my case, that worked out to be the biggest mistake my ex-h made. He walked away with exactly zero because he'd spent his "share" and then some entertaining OW. I found all manner of things, including director's loans where 10's of thousands had been spent. He will need to submit full financial disclosure and so will she. Please don't allow this to continue for much longer...for your sanity and security, a good financial settlement and a divorce will give you the means to rebuild yourself. Good luck my love

Also YES YES YES to the advice about a Forensic Accountant. I didn't need one as my ex was a bit thick and I managed to obtain everything I needed. I also 100% agree with not being the nice, compliant wife. You will have to be hard and strong I'm afraid. He will be an utter bastard when he realises it's all coming home to roost and how much this is going to cost him.

Italian Greyhound If the OP were to take on an ailing business ,she would have to be careful or she could be liable for his debts! Probably a smokescreen though .Many wealthy men take this approach hoping to shield some of their assets. There was a woman Michelle someone ? whose DH would not pay up and went to prison .She has started a support group for others in her position. See a good Solicitor first though

Five things:

1. You need a bloody good lawyer. Someone who will go for the balls and fight to get you the best possible settlement - taking into account that you have kids, and that the success of his business was due to your financial support.

1. Following on from the first point, you need a very good forensic accountant. Find the right lawyer and they will probably know someone as they will have seen this situation before. The stalking of her social media might come in useful as its evidence of his means.

1. Do points 1 and 2 as soon as possible. Time is of the essence.

1. This isn't forever. Get the divorce done and get your settlement sorted. Once you have finances in place then you will hopefully be able to spend more time on yourself - as money buys childcare, cleaners, gym memberships etc.

1. Tell him nothing. Do not say a word about the divorce. Don't engage in any conversations about agreements, finances or anything - strictly about child access only. Go grey rock with him and ignore him. He is not on your team and you cannot trust him. He wants to settle out of court because that way he can fob you off with a shitty settlement and sail off into the sunset with the OW. Sadly for him this won't happen because you will do points 1-3!!

Fast forward 10 years and you will be happy, free, perhaps in a fantastic relationship and with an older child who is reasonably independent. He on the other hand will almost certainly be under pressure from the OW to have kids if they haven't done so already at that point. At which point he'll be looking at going into his 60s with a young family and all of the childcare and tiredness that it entails. The OW will be under pressure to not 'let herself go' because she'll know that he can't keep it in his pants. Doesn't sound like a recipe for long term happiness to me...

Take him to the cleaners for every single penny you can and start divorce proceedings.

If you ate6 still married you will be entitled to a divorce settlement. If you lived like a pampered princess you would look like her as well. Don't let them make you feel like shit

Your dd will possibly be ashamed of that comment for the rest of her life once she’s old enough to understand what she’s said to you. She really didn’t mean it. I promise you that. I still remember a time I hurt my mums feeling when I was 6. It’s always stayed with me and she did her best to hide it at the time.

Do your homework and get the best legal counsel you can. Make sure you get treated fairly. You owe him no kindness here.

Hire a forensic accountant. He will be hiding money, hence his BS comments about the business not doing well. Play the long game. Don't engage with him in any discussions about divorce, leave that to your solicitor.

Absolutely this. It is a solicitor's job to work on this for you and deal with him (via his own legal representation). Of course he wants a private settlement because it'll mean you get less than you would otherwise.

How fucking horrible is someone to cheat and then flaunt being well off while wanting the mother of their child to have less than they are legally entitled to?! You would think they might maintain a semblance of kindness, even if it's fake and only not to look like a total arsehole.

I would send him one clear message saying you have taken instruction from a solicitor and will now only communicate about your child while your solicitor and his discuss settlement issues. Then stick to this!!

No matter how hard it is (and how much he deserves it) this is the time to remove ALL emptive elements from your communications. If you want to tell him what a cunt he is, write it on a piece of paper then burn it. Do not let him manipulate you into playing the "mental ex" card, keep your dignity and focus on the long game.

You poor thing

Also, there is a thing with age gap relationships. My Dad remarried after my mum died. My stepmum is a truly lovely person but she's only 8 or so years older than me and I thought it was too much of a gap. My Dad is now 81 and she is nursing him through Alzheimers. They had only a very few years before this happened. OW won't be so much of a princess if this happens to her...oh no...she'll be off!

I can only echo what other posters have said.

The longer you leave getting a divorce the more time he has to a) spend what are joint assets on being a sugar daddy b) hide assets to prevent you getting a fair settlement.

So rather than focus on his new relationship (which is frankly an utter cliche and underpinned by his wealth) spend your energy on fighting back for yourself.

Definitely get a forensic account, screenshot the copious pre-settlement spending and hire a shit hot solicitor.

Do not come to "an agreement". You are entitled to much more than you probably realise given your support in building the business. He knows this and is trying to manipulate you - don't let him.

Once you've got your settlement you will then have the finances to get yourself in shape both physically and mentally.

You're still young and have a the opportunity to carve out a wonderful future from this situation.

As pp's have said, play the long game and you'll come out of this stronger and happier. Leave him to his princess, he'll come to realise he lost a Queen

Sending you a huge hug.
What your Husband did was dreadful. It’s not fair and it’s not right. I would feel exactly the same as you .
However , you can’t change what he’s done , he’s an arsehole. Now you need to move forward with your life and make the best of what you can. It’s tough , I’ve been there , but you can do it xx

OP, he's a cunt and you dont have to deal with him anymore. There's a plus. Once she's bored she'll find someone else her own age. She also has no morals so dont feel jealous of that.

Remember, he's the enemy now. Dont be nice and dont believe a word he says. You put in the hard graft so it's time for your reward.

No doubt it is cruel and horrible.

He hurt you at the time, but please don't let him hurt you now! And waste the rest of your precious life.

Women are often told by men that they are worth nothing at 40+ . It is not true! It is a great age!

If you want to date again you have loads of options. There are plenty of people coming out of their first marriages, and young men LOVE older women. You could get a young man too.

Look at two things for inspiration - kate garraway is incredibly good looking at 52.

And look at the story of Paul hollywood - he ledt his wife for a younger woman, and it did not work out with the younger woman.

Dont let him take your mental health NOW. Get all the money that you are entitled to, you have your precious child, you have a good life ahead of you. Also if you feel a little insecure - the gym is great for your body and mental health and to meet new people. Love to you

She’s there for the money. Take him to the cleaners!

DH is currently being difficult about the divorce and has told he he wants to reach an agreement outside of court.

Hahahahahahahahaha.

No.

You need to file for a divorce asap and freeze the assets. Otherwise he will fritter it all away! Then, you should book yourself a nice holiday too.

In time your DC will realise that he's a total arse. As will his younger model. And if they have kids together, then he will be the old knackered down trodden one, whilst you will have passed that stage in your life as your DC gets older. It's tough right now. But it won't always be this way.

I might be tempted to tell him I was happy to settle (verbally only - don’t write anything down) and then go to my solicitor so as to catch him unawares. Be nice and reasonable in every way, until he gets the letter telling him you’re playing hard ball.

Bastard.

The other thing OP, when men like your H come up against professionals (SHL) who have seen it all before and don't take any nonsense? And the thought of dealign with a judge?

They become meek as lambs.

Its like those old boarding schools that know children inside out and actually better than us, the parents. We get divorced once. The specialist family firms live think and breathe divorce. My SHL included things I never even imagined - inflation, shares, pension, increase in bonus shares as the children left education, life insurance, the Will being tied down -

they were worth every penny of their horrible fees. DO NOT scrimp on professional advice, trust us on this one.

It's clear why she is with him. As he owns his own business you need to act quickly with divorce proceedings before he buries everything in the business.

Today DH dropped off DC after having her for a couple of days. DC told me that Daddy’s girlfriend is beautiful like a princess and asked why I didn’t look like her and whether that was why Daddy left us.

Ouch OP. Is your daughter 7? If so, I think she’s old enough to be encouraged to think about this a little. Ask her, why do you think Mummy doesn’t look like OW? What does OW need to do to look like that and does Mummy have time to do those things? Also maybe show her some photos of yourself when younger. Ask her, what do you think OW will look like in 20 years?

Unfortunately our culture has a lot of beautiful=good nonsense embedded in it (see: all fairy tales ever) so you need to get her thinking critically about that. Ask her, does the way OW looks mean she is a nice person?

With regards to looks of the OW, I’d just say, “Yes, [OW’s name] is very lucky with her looks. What are the important things, though? That we’re..?” And remind your DD that good looks aren’t a virtue.

@Devereux1

Superb post

I really feel for you OP. I can't give you any better advice than you already have here, these people have given fantastic advice.
Just here to offer some kind words really. I truly hope everything goes well for you and your daughter. You will get over him fairly quickly I would imagine if all goes well with divorce etc.
Good luck with everything