Birthday disappointment

[blissfullyignorantorinpain]

Now who do you tell when your own DH upsets and disappointments you so much. I have family and friends but I never say negative things about my husband with my family it's because I don't want them worrying about me and with friends it's because I am well embarrassed.
It was my birthday today, my H knows how precious I am about my birthday, call me childish but I am. It's only our third year of marriage and 4th of my birthdays together and he got me nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even a card from our baby. I'm so upset and can't hide my disappointment.
We argue often about our baby and routines what I feed him etc but I thought all this was normal. He keeps asking what's wrong. Because I'm struggling to keep a brave face. I'm just so shocked.
He "apparently" did have something planned for us but because we had lunch with my family for my bday he didn't want to go out again.
I'm only know starting to realise I'm falling out of love with him, maybe I have already.
Another thing which upsets me is no one in his family ever wishes me happy bday. And I know they obviously don't know when it is or don't care but on his bday I tell all my family to txt him.

Does he normally get you something on his birthday?

How old is your baby? Have you have a proper conversation about your arguments and how they're affecting you? I think it can be normal to bicker more in the early days while finding your feet and tired etc. But you need to be open and honest about your feelings

Oh I’d be hurt too. It sounds like you put more into the relationship than him. Do you know what he had planned?

YANBU that is lazy as hell to not even write a card.

I’m not big into birthdays but I’d be upset about this. Sorry OP

I'm sorry you've had a bad birthday

It's crap that he hasn't even got you a card or anything at all. When he asks you what's wrong - tell him! Tell him how you feel, don't stew on it and don't do anything for his birthday.

With regards to his family not messaging you Happy Birthday - I don't think you can blame him for that. If you have to tell your family to message him Happy Birthday it doesn't really mean anything because they're having to be told to.

I honestly think he's done it on purpose, possibly jealous about the attention you are giving the baby.
I'd tell him straight, if he doesn't start treating you better you're off. Sometimes you just need to spell it out.

The thing I hate more than anything is the terrible crappy excuses men throw out in situations like this
‘well I was going to X’
‘You didn’t give me chance to Y’
‘If you’d just been patient’

It’s actually a form of gaslighting and perpetuates this idea what women should just wait around and be grateful for the scraps they get. My ex used to have me waiting and waiting endlessly but the moment I mentioned something - he’d been just about to do it but now I’d ruined it 🤔😡!

He probably didn’t have anything planned OP and he wasn’t going to surprise you later on, he just didn't want to admit that he’d not bothered.

I’m sorry you are having such an awful birthday.

I think this would be the end of a relationship for me. He knows how important it is and in all honestly, even without knowing that he should have covered the basics of a card and gift. He has either done it on purpose or else he doesn’t care. I’m not surprised you are falling or have fallen out of love with him.

Do the same on his birthday. If he asks wheres my card and present, tell him it's obviously with your gift/card.

That’s shit. Sorry OP

Why are you regularly arguing about the baby? What’s controversial about when you feed him? A baby brings a lot of changes but arguments aren’t normal.

Definitely don’t get him anything for his. Did he say why he got you nothing? That’s so weird to me. If my DH did this, I’d be so upset.

I do want to end it. I just want to run as far as I can from him. I hate him right now I've seen a completely different side to him recently.
Normally he goes all out for my birthday, puts a lot of thought in and buys me lovely things. So this is the polar opposite of what I was expecting.
I know he's using the family lunch as an excuse. Because I asked him so many times if he had anything planned we wouldn't go to family lunch and he said no we'll go. He ruined the lunch for too. Came back and I've felt so unwell and still had to make us dinner.
He asked and I told him how upset I was of his comments from last night which were "I don't care about birthdays, I'm not taking a day off work just for a birthday again" this was a result of the argument last night where I said he didn't have to come to the lunch if he didn't want to. As soon as he got there he made it pretty obvious he didn't want to be there. He even offered not to go but then still came! I wish he hadn't. He's really let me down.
He does that a lot makes me angry and then turns it all around on me.
I'm embarrassed now because I know tomorrow my family will ask what we did after lunch and what surprise he had waiting for me.

buy yourself something and when his birthday comes along also do nothing...

It sounds like he has changed, was this before or after you had a baby? What do you think is behind him changing?

I would speak to your family. I think they have probably guessed he is a dick. You will need some support moving forward.

My family have realised today there are problems. They kept asking what was the matter and I kept brushing it off saying we are both tired because of baby. Which is also true.
He's just very over bearing and controlling with regards to everything with the baby asking a lot of questions and telling me what to do constantly when I pull him up on it he says he is the father and he is hands on himself too which is again true he does all the night shifts and says a should be grateful.
He always puts baby in bed with me and buggers off in spare room which is also upsetting me. He's constantly on his phone and I'm struggling with what to do now. We've had our problems but nothing that I thought was major.

This would be a dealbreaker for me too op. How many more years can you carry on like this for? It's bad behaviour on his part. I doubt he had anything planned at all and where is the card from him and one from the baby saying "happy birthday mummy" he must realise he has to do this as a bare minimum.

I’m so sorry OP. You must be feeling wretched.
To not mark your birthday in any way is horrid and unkind.
You have suggested that there’s more to this than meets the eye. You’ve also said that he makes you feel guilty by turning it around into you.
You need to talk openly and freely with him. You can’t go on feeling like this.

I know. Really tbh all I wanted was a card from baby saying happy birthday mummy. I would've been content with just that. When I said mummy shouldn't have to cook on her bday and when she's ill he suggested we get chippy which I don't want because he's already put on a lot of weight so I just cooked us something. I've gone to bed early to avoid him and lo and behold he's put baby with me so I won't sleep properly and he's in the spare room.
This is just so out of character for him and I'm flabbergasted.
But when I think of everything I have to put up with I'd love to leave. But how would I cope financially? I've left a well paid job since having a baby and he's the main earner now.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this op he sounds vile tbh

No advice but I just wanted to say

happy birthday

I’m sure your little one thinks you’re a wonderful and dedicated mummy

God op!! That's awful! He sounds pathetic and jealous. One thing that struck me from your op is you saying you have no one to sound off to in real life. I think you need more support and perspective.

He actually sounds emotionally abusive with his gaslighting behaviour about lunch. Your baby will grow up with him as a model of a man. Listen to your gut.

first of all Happy Birthday

Do you have one person in your family you could talk to? could you visit your parents for a week or two, for example?

Then think about how you could manage (you are on maternity leave, can you go back sooner than you planned?) if your parents support you would you be ok?

How old is your baby?