Birthday disappointment

[blissfullyignorantorinpain]

Now who do you tell when your own DH upsets and disappointments you so much. I have family and friends but I never say negative things about my husband with my family it's because I don't want them worrying about me and with friends it's because I am well embarrassed.
It was my birthday today, my H knows how precious I am about my birthday, call me childish but I am. It's only our third year of marriage and 4th of my birthdays together and he got me nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even a card from our baby. I'm so upset and can't hide my disappointment.
We argue often about our baby and routines what I feed him etc but I thought all this was normal. He keeps asking what's wrong. Because I'm struggling to keep a brave face. I'm just so shocked.
He "apparently" did have something planned for us but because we had lunch with my family for my bday he didn't want to go out again.
I'm only know starting to realise I'm falling out of love with him, maybe I have already.
Another thing which upsets me is no one in his family ever wishes me happy bday. And I know they obviously don't know when it is or don't care but on his bday I tell all my family to txt him.

Why are you expecting this year's birthday to be any different or better than last year? Your husband is a humongous prick! You seem to be more worried about what other people will think of you ending the marriage vs how hurt you are by his behavior! Are you going to post here next year as well,hurt and disappointed or are you planning on making a positive change in your lives? Put yourself out of your misery and leave the bastard!

oh dear i thought your return to the thread meant you sought RL support and left him. But nope he has done it again....he doesnt care, he has changed since you now have a baby. doesnt need to bother anymore. Speak to your family and stop hiding your unhappiness

If you are still together next year - and I hope you aren't - tell him in writing two weeks in advance. "For the last two years you have made my birthday utterly shit. I expect you to buy a card and present from our child and a card and at least four decent presents from you, not crap from the petrol station but proper presents. I expect you to buy me a nice birthday cake and take me out for a meal or to the pictures. If you don't do this, I will take it as a sign that you don't love me, and would rather be happy yourself than put in the effort to make me happy. And I will go and find someone who does love me."

🤣🤣🤣
Whatever you do OP, don't do this. It's just ridiculous.

Think about what you are modelling for your child. Is this what you want to teach them about what a healthy, loving relationship looks like?
Don't make this an annual MN post.

You’re worth more than this OP. You must know that. He sounds like a thoughtless prick.

Is this what you want for the next and best 40 years of life?

Happy birthday

"You regret marrying him"

You deserve better

Please do not post the same next year

This would be a deal breaker for me
Make 2021 your year - take control and issue ultimatums - he either shapes up or ships out
Believe me you will not regret it

While I understand why Flamed has suggested what they did, it unfortunately is a non starter.

If he doesn't buy anything he'll likely blame OP for it, because she 'ruined' it by asking him to buy stuff in advance. If he does buy gifts, then OP will always feel like he bought them because she forced him to. Neither option make her feel good. I've had this in the past and I felt as shit receiving nothing as I did receiving requested token gifts.

OP, I understand that it is difficult to contemplate leaving when you have a child together, especially. I'd consider couples counselling and if he isn't up for it, then I'd say you have your answer on what you need to do. If he is, give it a go and see how the next 6 months are. If he starts stepping up then play it by ear, but if he doesn't, I'd spend that time getting ready for a split (getting back into employment, looking at places to live, etc), and start proceedings to leave.

It's easy to just tell you to 'LTB' but I think sometimes you need to feel as if you tried everything to be at peace with the decision. Of course, if things ever became dangerous or worse than they currently are, an immediate split would be the safest option for you and your child.

Happy birthday and please, do treat yourself. Order yourself some things online that you'd like and a takeaway for one. Buy in nice chocolates and stuff for the bath. He'll likely throw a strop when your food arrives but he can be swiftly told 'well you didn't want to celebrate my birthday so I'll celebrate it myself'. Take yourself off to the sofa, fire on your favourite film. Let him huff and puff in another room and be on his phone, who cares how he feels. He can do one.

OP remember if nothing changes, then nothing changes.

Only he can change him. Only you can change you.

You don’t need to decide what to do right away. Investigate your options. It sounds like baby is over one from the information you’ve given and that you’ve given up your job.
Start by looking at your financial situation, the possibility of returning to work and what benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent.

You could also look into counselling. The chance to speak to a neutral third party may help you.
You sound like you have a close and living family. Don’t feel embarrassed about your situation. I’d be horrified to think a family member remained miserable when I could help them simply because of embarrassment.

You also might need to reset this idea that he does his fair share in your head. You’ve said he does the nights but also that he puts baby into bed with you and swans off to the spare room. Do you just mean he puts baby to bed? Really think hard about what he brings to your life and whether he is an active engaged parent or more of a Disney dad who does the easy stuff that gets all the credit from other people.

Wishing you all the best

Ex husband and I are separated, my birthday is Christmas Day but he still sends flowers on my birthday and takes our youngest two out to choose cards and gifts for me because he sees it as his responsibility as the father of our children. I do the same on his birthday. You really deserve better OP. Don't give him the chance to do the same next year.

He has shown you who he really is. You deserve more than this, don't stay with a man who makes you miserable. I stayed with my ex for years longer than I should have because I was embarrassed to "fail" at my marriage..........I wish I had known how much support my family would give me.
Please let this be the last birthday he spoils,

Go back to work and make sure you are in a position to support yourself. It sounds horrible but I also think that the balance of power in a relationship changes when you give up work or are on maternity leave. It sounds like he is exploiting the fact that you are vulnerable and that it would be hard for you to leave.

@blissfullyignorantorinpain

I know. Really tbh all I wanted was a card from baby saying happy birthday mummy. I would've been content with just that. When I said mummy shouldn't have to cook on her bday and when she's ill he suggested we get chippy which I don't want because he's already put on a lot of weight so I just cooked us something. I've gone to bed early to avoid him and lo and behold he's put baby with me so I won't sleep properly and he's in the spare room. This is just so out of character for him and I'm flabbergasted. But when I think of everything I have to put up with I'd love to leave. But how would I cope financially? I've left a well paid job since having a baby and he's the main earner now.

I don't think it's out of character.

He's got you trapped (he thinks)

It's who he is.

Now I've seen your update I stand by what I said.

Are you back at work?

Happy birthday OP sorry it’s been another disappointment

Hi blissfullyignorantorinpain this is so sad to read. The rest of us can see that he has checked out, thinks he can get away with whatever he likes - telling you you're "lucky" to have him FFS - thinks he has you over a barrel because you've stopped work and he has the well-paid job. He is blatantly testing you.

I reckon he will ramp things up as time goes on. The more you seem to have thrown in the towel (I'm sorry but I'm sure it's what he thinks) the further he will take it.

Last year you were upset, told him so and he accused you of starting an argument.

You need to find some confidence from somewhere, get in touch with friends from the job you had or whatever, find a way of getting back in. Doing a refresher course: anything. Your family may help with childcare .. find a really good nursery. You can do this. Don't give in to him. It's all too easy just to keep ambling along but in the long run it is nothing but bad for you and your child.

Fuck him with his controlling ways.

So you write the original post a year ago saying that your husband had done nothing for you for four years in a row for your birthday. It’s now a year later and no change. What exactly did you think would happen? You said a year ago that you don’t love him and you’re saying you wish you hadn’t married him. That’s fair enough but you’re still there. If you’re going to be complacent then nothing will change. Everyone on here advised you a year ago not to put up with it,leave,etc but you haven’t. You might be one of those people who’s happy to be in a boring relationship so you can moan about your husband. If you’re not then do something about it. Only you can but I have a feeling you won’t. See you next year

Oh and Happy Birthday for the next 1.5 hours. What a shame.

I'm amazed your still there a whole year later...

I think it's a bit OTT just over a card. Seems more is going on in the relationship. My birthday is tomorrow, I already know it is going to be crap, firstly the actual date of my birthday is rubbish in itself, secondly my husband usually goes out after Christmas to get me presents, I tell him to do this, things are in the sale then! However, this year we've gone into lockdown so what he would usually do isn't going to happen. This time a year ago I was celebrating my birthday and New Year in America, this year my birthday will just come and go. I am just glad I'm well and healthy

If you truly regret marrying him then the first thing you need to do is go back to work. You said in a post a year ago that you left a well paying job. Well, it's time to try and find another one. You'll be surprised at what financial independence (or at least your own salary) will do for you. I know it's a hard time to try and get back into the workforce, but the sooner you start the sooner you'll get there.

You don't have to be unhappy. And I think this huge upset over your birthday is a symptom, not the 'disease' itself.

If he were truly a good husband, one who treated you well and was an equal partner, his forgetting your birthday (no matter how you like them) wouldn't be as big a deal as you make it to be. You'd be able to look at him in totality and think "Well, he doesn't make as big a deal about my birthday as I'd like, but he is a truly wonderful man and husband and makes up for it in every other department".

@blissfullyignorantorinpain

No I don't think it will be any different. Especially as last year I kicked up such a fuss and he still doesn't show that he cares. He does do his share of parenting and does the nights. That's not the issue. It's like others have said. Just getting a happy birthday would've been nice. His reasoning was that he forgot and "you know I've had a lot on my mind". He's always got a lot on his mind as he never stops stressing. Also it's the same excuse he used last year. Don't know what to do. I hate thoughtless ppl. Especially considering this guy showered me with gifts and kindness before we had a child. He's changed and doesn't prioritise me anymore. I don't want to let him see me cry or upset. And I also don't want to hear him say why is it such a big deal etc because it's very belittling. I regret marrying him.

Well forget his birthday. Forget his family birthdays. Forget New Years meals. Forget Sunday roasts. Forget he was meant to go to his hobby. Forget anything of value to him.

@Dita73

So you write the original post a year ago saying that your husband had done nothing for you for four years in a row for your birthday. It’s now a year later and no change. What exactly did you think would happen? You said a year ago that you don’t love him and you’re saying you wish you hadn’t married him. That’s fair enough but you’re still there. If you’re going to be complacent then nothing will change. Everyone on here advised you a year ago not to put up with it,leave,etc but you haven’t. You might be one of those people who’s happy to be in a boring relationship so you can moan about your husband. If you’re not then do something about it. Only you can but I have a feeling you won’t. See you next year

She doesn't say that he had done nothing for 4 years. Her second post

Normally he goes all out for my birthday, puts a lot of thought in and buys me lovely things. So this is the polar opposite of what I was expecting.

Why are you still with him? You posted last month that he grabbed your neck in front of your 2 years old and you were advised to leave. You have a great job and a good support with your mum so why don’t you leave instead of putting up with this? What do you need to leave?

Leave. Whose house is it?

Just rtft.

Please op, speak to your family and friends. You should not be embarrassed by his actions. He is abusive and abusers thrive because their partners cover for them. This will get worse. If he truly believes that he is in the right, he will have no issue with you speaking to others about this. My guess is that if you speak up he will be furious and mortified.

Your family love you, you have options. Please stop this now. It would be so sad to see the same post after another year has passed.